If someone is going through a difficult time in their life, they could come to believe that they are being victimised. When this happens, they could end up feeling hopeless, and as though they have no control.
Alternatively, they could look into what is taking place and then look into what they need to do to move forward. As a result, they are likely to feel a sense of control, and this means they are going to have a radically different. Meaning How they feel is going to be effected by how they have interpreted what is taking place. What this shows is that a big part of how someone responds to something depends on the meaning they attach to it. This is why one person can act as though the world is against them and another can act as though it is just another challenge for them to overcome. While it may take a while for them to move forward, it won’t define them. Identity Thus, the experiences they have are not going to cause them to disconnect from life; they are still going to be able to embrace life. They could see themselves as someone who is capable of overcoming what life throws at them. However, if they feel like a victim, it will be a lot harder for them to embrace life. They could feel the need to do everything they can to avoid life; with this being a way for them to stop bad things from taking place. Defined If they were to look in the mirror, they could see someone who is a victim, and this means it will have become their identity. It might not matter what is taking place in their life, as they could always have the same outlook. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they are unable to experience life differently. On one hand, experiencing life in this way is causing them to suffer, but on the other hand, it is something they are attached to. A Brief Experience When one doesn’t have a victim mentality, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t ever feel like one; what it can mean is that they are able to move through this stage. It is then something that arises within them, and then through having the right response, it won’t end up defining them. There could be times when they are victimised by someone or by a group of people, but they won’t get caught up in what happens. If they can do something about what happened they will, but if they can’t, they might soon move on. One Outlook When one sees themselves as a victim, they are only going to be able to see life in one way. It is as if they are wearing glasses that have one filter and people who don’t feel like victims are wearing glasses with another filter It then won’t matter what other about people say to them, as they are not going to be able to change their outlook. In order for them to do this, they will need to take off their glasses, so to speak. A Common Experience If someone was to observe their life for a short time, they might see that not only do they feel like a victim because of their interpretations, they might also see that ‘bad’ things happen to them on a regular basis. Through seeing this, they might be able to empathise with how the other person experiences life. They could be like a magnet for problems, and no matter where they are or what they do, something bad could happen. It can then be easy to say that they are worse off than others, and this is why they feel like a victim. Stepping Back If one was to step back from their experience, and to reflect on what is taking place, they may start see that their adult life reminds them of how they experienced life as a child. During these years, they may have been victimised by their caregivers and they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. The years have passes, but they are still seeing life in the same way, and this is why they feel as though they have no control. It could be said that their child self is defining their life, and this part of them is in a bad way. Boundaries These early experiences would have stopped them from being able to from boundaries, and this is why they feel as though the world is against then. Through having them, it would allow them to feel as though it is safe them to exist. By not having them, they feel exposed, and it will be normal for them to believe that other people want to harm them. Other people can then be seen as having control over them; with this being a reflection of how they experienced life as a child. One Approach If one was to look for answers on how to let go of their victim mentality, they might come across information that says they need to change their beliefs. Along with this, they might also be encouraged to change their behaviour. Through doing this, they will no longer see life in the same way, and it will then be possible for them to experience life differently. However, taking this approach won’t allow one to process the emotional pain they experienced as a child. Processing This pain won’t disappear by thinking differently or by behaving in new ways; it will need to be processed. As this takes place, one may find that their beliefs and behaviour changes naturally. The pain within then is likely to relate to their unmet child needs, and one way for this to be processed is through crying. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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It is not uncommon for someone to say they are busy, and while this could be how their life is during certain times, it could be a way of life. In this case, it won’t matter what time it is or what day it is, as they will have things to do.
This could be how they have been for most of their life, or it could be a relatively new experience. Through living life in this way, they are not going to have much time to think, and they are likely to experience a lot of stress. Approval But regardless of what the consequences are, it doesn’t mean that other people will always notice what is taking place. This is partly because they can believe that being busy is a ‘good’ thing, and they could also be just as busy. They are then experiencing life in the same way and it is not going to stand out. The feedback they get from others could validate their behaviour, and this can cause them to believe that they are doing the ‘right’ thing. Two Options One reason why being busy all the time is often seen as a ‘good’ thing, is because hard work is often valued in today’s world. This is not to say that being busy means that someone is working hard, as they could simply be wasting time. Yet when someone is busy working, they can be seen as living their life in the ‘right’ way. If someone isn’t busy, they can be seen as though they are not doing enough, or that they are lazy. Guilt Therefore, if someone isn’t busy, they can end up feeling guilty, and it will then be normal for them to feel though they are doing something wrong. Staying busy can then be a way for them to avoid how they feel, and while this will lead to approval, they are going to be ignoring their own needs. Human beings are not machines, and even if they were, they would still need time to rest. While it could be said that we are all here to make a difference in some way, it is still important for us to look after ourselves. Burnout In the short-term, someone might not notice how being busy all the time is affecting their life; but as time passes, it could soon catch up with them. If they were to pay attention to their feelings, they might soon realise what is happening. However, if one is busy, they might not have time to pay attention to how they feel. The information their feelings provide is then going to be overlooked, and they could then carry on as normal. Time Goes By It could then start to have an impact on their physical health, and this may mean that they end up going on some kind of medication. During someone’s early years, they may find that they are able to handle the stress of always being busy. This is unlikely to be the case as they get older, and they can then find that it is no longer possible for them to live life in the same way. The longer someone lives in this way, the harder it can be for them to step back and to re-evaluate their life. Stepping Back If someone was to step back, it will give them the chance to look into why they always need to be busy. At first, there might be resistance, and their mind could find a way to stop them from taking a closer look. What they could also do is take the time to reflect on when they first started to experience life in this way. In the beginning, they might find that nothing comes to mind, and it will then be important for them to be patient. A Recent Occurrence When someone has only just started to experience life differently, it is naturally going to be a lot easier for them to find out why their life has changed. They may find that they changed after a relationship came to an end. Staying busy will then be a way for them to avoid the pain that they experienced during this time. The pain is still going to be in their body, but through being busy, they can come to believe that is had disappeared. Divided As a result, they are no longer going to be a whole human being; they are going to be living on the surface of themselves. Their body can then be seen as something they need to control. This could then mean that their relationships also suffer, and this is because they are going to be out of touch with how they feel. The interactions they have with others could lack depth, and all the time they are unable to get in touch with how they feel, it will be a challenge for them to experience intimacy. Not Enough What can also play a part here is if someone feels as though they are not good enough; it will then be a challenge for them to just be. Their need to be busy all the time is then a way for them to feel as though they are enough. However, no matter what they do or what they achieve, they are unlikely to be able to change what is taking place within them. The only way for them to do this will be for them to face themselves. Justification As a result of what is taking place within them, it can be normal for them to create a life where they need to be busy all the time. Perhaps they find that they are unable to make ends meet, or that they have certain deadlines to meet. Through being out of touch with why they are experiencing life in this way, they can justify their behaviour. It is then not that they want to live in this way; it is that they have to live in this way. Awareness If someone is in this position, and they want to experience life differently, it will be important for them to find out why they are running away from themselves. During this time, they might need the assistance of a therapist and/or some kind of support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If someone wanted attention in the past, they would have had to be around people. Nowadays, this is no longer necessary; the only thing they need to do is to use social media.
It is then possible for them to receive attention for something that relates to their own life, or they can receive attention for something that doesn’t. As a result, it is going to be a lot easier for someone to receive attention. Two Ways When it relates to the former, someone could share a picture or a video of themselves. In this case, the feedback that they receive can cause them to feel good about themselves. If, on the other hand, it relates to the latter, they could share picture with a quote or a video of an animal. While the feedback they receive can also allow them to feel good about themselves, it might not have the same impact. The Difference For example, if someone was to share something that didn’t relate to them, and their ‘friends’ didn’t respond, it might cause them to feel down. They could wonder if their ‘friends’ still like them, for instance. However, they were to share a picture or video of themselves and the same thing happened, they could wonder if there is something wrong with their appearance. In this case, it could be said that there will be a greater impact, and this is because it is connected to them. The Suggestion This is one reason why it is often said that someone should share more things that don’t relate to them than things that do. Through doing this, they are not going to be putting their self-esteem on the line, so to speak. They are sharing things because they like them, and not because they are looking for a response. Therefore, if their ‘friends’ don’t respond, they are not going to be effected in the same way. Emotional State When someone is going through a challenging time in their life, it can also have an effect on not only what they share, but on how often they share things. A recent breakup can cause someone to change their profile picture. Along with this, they could end up posting ‘positive’ quotes, and these quotes can be a way for them to regulate their current emotional experience. The feedback they receive from others can then serve as validation, and this can have a positive effect on their well-being. The Real World While it can be relatively easy to receive attention on social media; it is not always as easy in the real world. However, if someone is famous or even classed as being attractive, it might be normal for them to receive attention no matter where they go. But through using social media, it can give someone the chance to receive attention no matter how famous they are, what they look like or if they are around others. Another way of looking at this would be to say that the average person can feel like a celebrity without needing to be one. Normal As a result of what they share, it can be normal for them to receive attention, and because they can share things whenever they want, they can also receive attention whenever they want. Yet if they rarely receive attention in the real world, it can be harder for them to handle day-to-day life. No matter how much attention they receive, it could pale in comparison to the attention they receive on social media. They may then want to avoid the real world, and to spend as much time as they can online. In The Beginning At first, they may have just wanted to feel better about themselves, and then as time has passed, it could have consumed their whole life. To receive attention from time to time is then not going to be enough; they will need to receive it all the time. This could end up being an obsession, and other areas of their life could end up being neglected. Their whole sense of who they are could be defined by how much attention they receive, and if they don’t receive it, they could feel completely worthless. Another Perspective It would be easy to say that social media is to blame here; however, it could also be said that this is not something that just happens. In order for someone to be enticed, they would need to be looking for something. If they were comfortable with themselves, they wouldn’t need to receive attention all the time. It could be said that social media can stop someone form looking into why they need attention, and from taking the steps they need to take to bring this need into balance. Attention It is human nature to want attention, and while someone will need a lot of attention during their formative years; this shouldn’t be the case as the years pass. Yet even though one looks like an adult, they can feel like a needy child on the inside. If their early years where a time where their needs were generally met, their inner child shouldn’t have the need to receive constant attention. But if their needs were rarely, if ever, met during these early years, this part of them can take over, and they can then have the need to receive constant attention. Conclusion When someone experiences life in this way, social media will be the ideal platform for them to receive what they didn’t receive as a child. Bearing in mind that in the beginning of someone’s life, they need other people’s attention in order to survive, and as a way for them to realise that they exist. Yet although one can feel like a child, they are now an adult, and this means that other people can’t fulfil their unmet childhood needs. These are needs that need to be mourned, and as this takes place, their need for attention may begin to subside. This will allow them to develop the adult part of them, and through doing this, they will be able to give the child part of them the attention that it needs. When this happen, they are going to be regulating themselves, and this can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one wanted to buy something in the past, they would have had to go out and get it; nowadays, this is no longer necessary. The only thing one needs to do is to go on their device, and once they have found what they want, there is a strong chance that it will even be delivered.
As a result, one can have something without needing to go out into the world. One could buy something in this way because they are too busy to go out, or it could come down to the fact that they want to relax instead. Control Through having this option, it means that one has more control than they did before, and their time can then be used in other ways. On one hand, this time could be used in ways that will enhance their life, and on the other hand, it could be used in ways that don’t. If one was to play games or to browse the internet, for instance, it might allow them to experience some downtime. But at the same time, these kinds of activities could have the opposite effect, and one could wonder where their time has gone. A Personal Decision Ultimately, one can decide how they will use their time, and even though one person might think something is a waste of time, it doesn’t mean another person has the same outlook. If one is not causing harm, it shouldn’t matter what they do. Along with having the ability to buy something online, one can also meet someone online. Therefore, the time that they would have spent looking for someone in the real world can be used in other ways. Caught Up However, although one can save time, there is also the chance that one could spend just as much time looking for someone online as they would in the real world. When this happens, one could end up neglecting other areas of their life in order to meet someone. Not only can this take place through spending time on a dating site; it could also take place through going on endless dates. For example, one could invest a lot of time in someone and come to believe that they are a match, and once they have met them, their whole outlook could change. Mismatch If this takes place, the idea they have of someone is not going to match up to what they are really like, and this is likely to be frustrating. This could be a sign that the other person was putting on an act. Yet this might not be the case, and it could be said that there is always the chance that this will happen. When one meets someone in person, they are going to be in their presence and when they talk to someone over a screen or over the phone, this is not going to be the case. Information Through being in their presence, one can pick up information that they wouldn’t pick up on if they were only hearing their voice or reading words on a screen. This information can also influence them at a deeper level, and this means they might not even be aware of why they feel the way they do around them. If one doesn’t feel comfortable in the other person’s presence, it could be because they are not right for them; however, it could also be a sign that they are triggering something that one has disconnected from. When this happens, their need to get away from the other is going to be a way for them to avoid what has been triggered within themselves. Self-Awareness How one responds to what is taking place within them is likely to depend on how aware they are. If one believes that their inner experience is being caused by the other person, they are unlikely to take a deeper look at what is taking place. But when one is able to see that the other person is only triggering what is already within them, it will give them the chance to pay attention to how they feel. Through doing this, it will give them the opportunity to grow. Intention However, regardless of whether they face what is within them, it is going to be clear that they are looking for a relationship. They are not going to be on a dating site because they have got nothing else to do. There are going to be other people who use dating sites for other reasons, and one reason could be because they are looking for attention. When this happens, the impression their profile creates is not going to match up with their true intention. One Step Further This is not to say that they won’t message people back, for instance, as they could still do this. They could even talk to people on the phone, and they might even go on a few dates. Through doing this, it will allow them to receive even more attention, and they might not even think about the effect their behaviour is having on others. Based on how they behave, other people could get the impression that they are looking for a relationship, but this is going to be nothing more than an illusion. Attention If one needs attention, it could be a sign that they have just been through a breakup, and through getting certain responses from others, it will then allow them to feel good about themselves. There is also the chance that they are in a relationship that isn’t going to plan, and other people will then be used to give them the attention that their partner is not providing. One might also find it hard to feel good about themselves without other peoples approval, and in this case, a dating site can be seen as something that can be used to make them feel good. Either way, one is going to be consumed by their need for attention and out of touch with the impact their behaviour is having on others. Behind A Screen One reason why one won’t think about how their behaviour is affecting others can be because they are behind a screen. On one hand, they are not going to see how other people are responding, and on the other hand, they are unlikely to be emotionally connected to what is taking place. Whereas if they were around real people, it would give them the chance to see how their behaviour is affecting others, and they are more likely to have an emotional response to what is happening. Through being behind a screen, one can then be oblivious to consequences of their actions. Awareness It would be easy for one to say that this kind of behaviour is harmless; but if they are using a dating site for attention, they are going to be deceiving others. If one was to put themselves in other person’s shoe, and to think about how they would feel, it might give them a different perspective. Another approach would be for them to look for another way to receive attention, and this could also be a sign that they need to work on themselves. Through doing this, they might no longer need to receive so much attention.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
When someone experiences loss, their whole experience of life can change, and when this happens, it is not going to be possible for them to carry on as normal. The thoughts in their mind and the emotions in their body can be different, and the meaning of their life could also have altered.
This could be a sign that a loved one has passed on, or it could be because a relationship has come to an end. This could also be an experience that one goes through after losing a pet, among others things. Ideal If one gives themselves the time go with what is taking place, it will give them the chance to integrate what has happened. While this could be something that will take a number of months, it could last for a number of years. What this comes down to is that human beings are different, and how one person respond to something is not necessarily going to be how another responds. The important thing is that one listens to themselves. Individual Journey Ultimately, one is on their own healing path, and no one else can walk this path for them. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that one has to do everything by themselves. It will be in their best interests to reach out for support; with this support, it will make this process a lot easier. Without it, one could end up suffering in silence, and they could also end up getting stuck. Support Through experiencing loss, one is unlikely to feel as strong as they usually do, and through being around supportive people, it will make up for what they have temporarily lost. This is not to say that these people will need to do anything, as it might just be enough for them to be around. Their presence could be more than enough, and while this could be from friends and/or family, it could also be from trained professionals. Not only can they provide support, they can also play a part in one finding meaning again. Meaning If one feels as though their life has lost its meaning, they could feel as though life is not worth living. Therefore, through being around other people who are living a meaningful life, one can gradually begin to realise that their life is worth living. One is then being exposed to another way of experiencing life, and this could be how they used to experience life. Their presence is unlikely to allow one to find meaning straight away, but it can gradually have an impact on them. Down If one has hit rock bottom, they could end up coming across as a different person, and while they might want to return to how they were before, this is not going to be possible. They are going to be in a lot of pain, they will need to go through it. This is not to say that one has to be consumed by ‘negativity’, as they can have the intention to heal thesmevles. However, what it does mean is that one will be embracing how they feel as opposed to deny what is taking place within them. No Resistance Through being able to face how they feel and not having the need to experience life in a certain way, it will also mean that one won’t need to resist what is taking place. The pain can come to the surface, and it will then be possible for them to face it. One way this pain can be processed is through crying, and there may be times when one can cry for only a short while. Yet it doesn’t matter how long one can cry for, as long as they allow themselves to do it. Up and Down There can also be moments when one feels better and then moments when they feel worse. What this comes down to is that this is not a linear process, and if one expects it to be, they are going to create unnecessary pressure on one hand and additional pain on the other hand. Another way of looking at this would be to say that this is a time of surrender, and through this, one will gradually be able to heal themselves. This doesn’t mean that this is a completely passive process though, as one will need to stay on track. Resistance However, while the ideal will be for one to surrender to what is taking place within them; this is not going to happen if they always need to be ‘positive’. They will need to disconnect from what is taking place within them, and to force themselves to have ‘positive’ thoughts and feelings. If they were to face their grief, they could end up feeling guilty, and they may believe that it would cause them to attract ‘bad’ things into their life. Also, one could believe that their thoughts are causing them to feel ‘bad’, and it will then be necessary for them to ‘think Positive’. The Heart The pain that they are experiencing is primarily going to be coming from their body, and it could also be said that their heart has been broken. Thus, even though one’s thoughts can create their feelings, their feelings can also create their thoughts. If one was to deny what is taking place within them it might allow them to feel better in the short-term, but it is likely to set them up to suffer in the long-term. The pain will stay in their body, and it could only be a matter of time before other symptoms begin to appear. Awareness This shows that positive thinking can stop one from being able to grieve, and when this happens, it is being used in the wrong way. During the giving process, it is vital that one gets the support they need; trying to run away from how they feel won’t solve anything. The assistance of a therapist and/or support group might be needed here.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
The mainstream media has been presenting images of people that have been edited for years, and as time has passed, social media has also allowed people to present images that have been edited. As a result of this, someone can go from being manipulated by the media at one point in time, to being the ones who manipulate others at another.
Focus This is not to say that they would realise what is taking place, as they might only be concerned about creating a certain impression. Through doing this, it could increase the amount of approval that they receive from others. Their well-being could then improve, and the effect their pictures might be having on others could be the last thing on their mind. What is also going to play a part here is how secure someone is. A Matter of Degree On one side, there are going to be people who heavily edit their pictures, and on the other side, there are going to be people who don’t. When they do, their pictures might not look anything like the originals, and when they don’t, there might not be much of a difference. If one finds it hard to accept themselves, they could have a greater need to edit their pictures. But while this may well lead to approval; it doesn’t mean it will have an effect on them, and this is because the approval they receive wont relate to what they actually look like. A False Image The responses that other people give them will be the result of the false image they have presented. Therefore, one might feel good when they are getting these responses and soon after, but there could be other moments where they feel completely different. Also, as they receiving approval through changing their image, it can make it even harder for them to accept themselves as they are. Whereas if one only made a few minor changes to their pictures; it would be easier for them to accept the feedback that they receive. Attached Yet when one is attached to an image that they have created, it is not going to be easy for them to let it go. In their eyes, this could be who they are, and the rest of their life can then be a reflection of the false-self that they have created. Other people could then see that they are out of touch with their true-self, but it might not be possible for them to realise this. All the time this false-self allows them to receive positive feedback, they are unlikely to change. The Real World While social media gives one a platform where they can present their false-self, it doesn’t mean that this is the only avenue. It is also going to be important for them to maintain this image at all times. In their day-today life, they will need to come across in the same way, and while this might be relatively easy, it might not. What this comes down to is that although one can edit their appearance online by pressing a few buttons, they can’t do the same thing in real life. Looking Perfect In this case, one won’t have to do much in order to look perfect online, but the same can’t be said when it come looking perfect offline. As a way to experience more control, one could end up having some kind of cosmetic surgery and/or procedures that are non-surgical Nowadays, these kinds of options are not only more accepted, they are also more affordable. However, even if one believes that they look perfect, it doesn’t mean they will always have this outlook. Change What is seen as the perfect look at one point in time is not necessarily going to be seen as the perfect look at another. Life is in a constant state of flux, and this is why perfection is nothing more than an illusion. Yet when it comes to what human beings perceive as perfect in the same or the opposite gender, it could be said that there will certain commonalities.. Along with this, what one person sees as perfect might not be same as what another person sees as perfect, and their outlooks could also change as time passes. Two Extremes When one has the need to look perfect it can be because they don’t feel comfortable with their appearance. Therefore, through creating the perfect appearance, it will then be possible for them to feel comfortable. One then sees themselves as being on one side of the spectrum, and through making a few adjustments, they will be end up on the other side. If one was ask other people what they thought about their appearance, they may find that other people don’t see them in the same way. Positive Feedback One might be told that there is nothing wrong with how they look, and others might say that they look attractive. The feedback they receive might not have an effect on them, and they could then carry on doing the same thing. But if they are able to take step back from themselves and to put their appearance to one side, they may find that their need to look perfect is a way for them to avoid how they feel. The painful feelings within them are then kept at bay through receiving positive feedback from others. Toxic Shame If they were to get in touch with how they feel, they could end up feeling worthless, and this could be how they have felt for most of their life. When one feels this way, it is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame. This could be a sign that one has experienced some kind of abuse, and this could have occurred during their adult years and/or during their childhood years. As a result of what happened, it would have caused one to create a shame-based identity, and as way to avoid the pain within them, they would have created a false-self. Awareness If they were to let go of this false-self, they would end up having to face the pain that is within them. In order for them to get in touch with their true-self, they will need to process the pain that they are carrying in their body. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Self Development: Can Self Development Condition People To Believe That It's 'All In The Mind'?8/11/2015
Nowadays, it is not uncommon for people to read books on self development, and while they can be looking for ways to change what is taking place within them; they might be looking for ways to become more successful. There is also the chance that they are looking to improve a number of areas of their life.
Along with this, they might watch videos and go on different courses, and if they get tired of reading books, they could listen to audio books instead. This shows how accessible information is in today world. Dipping In When one starts to look for answers, it might not be long until their life starts to improve. Once they start to see the results that they are looking for, they might decide to take a step back, and to carry on with the rest of their life. If they were to experience an inner or an outer challenge in the future, they could soon get back into it. In this case, self development is not going to become a part of their life; it will simply be something they look into at certain times. A Way of Life Alternatively, one could find what they need and instead of taking a step back soon after; they could continue to look for answers. This could be because they have more challenges to work through and/or it could also be a sign that it has become way of life. When it is who they are as opposed to something they do, it is not going to be possible for them to dip in and out. It could then be said that they are committed to gaining a better understanding of themselves, and that they want to continually improve their life. Support If one is in this position, there is a strong chance they will spend time with people who have the same outlook. Through being around these people, it will give one the chance to share what they have learnt, and for them to be inspired. Whereas if the people they spent their time with were not into self development, they may have to deny this part of themselves when they are around them. Instead of being inspired by the company they keep, they could end up feeling discouraged. Growth It can then be easier for one to grow, and through sharing their views with others, it will give them the chance to see if there is another way of looking at something. After sharing something, they might find that someone else has the same outlook, or they may find that they have a different outlook. One can then listen to what they have to say and decide if it would be a good idea for them to change their perspective. They are there to support each other, and if one finds it hard to stay motivated, they can also help them with this. Different Outlooks If one has read a number of different books, for instance, they may have come across a number of different outlooks. One can then identify with one outlook, or they can take the time to reflect on what they have read and come to their own conclusion. Having said that, there is also the chance that one could continually find that people have the same outlook, and this could then cause them to believe that there is only one approach. One could then try this approach and find that their life improves, or they could find that their life doesn’t change at all. Going Down the Wrong Path When one’s life does improve, it will be a sign that they have come across the right information, and it then won’t be a problem. They are not going to be wasting their time, energy, or money, and it could be said that they are on the right track, so to speak. However, if one’s life doesn’t improve, it could be a sign that they have come across the wrong information. But because so many people have the same outlook, it could be a challenge for them to realise that they need to try another approach. Personal This could then cause one to believe that there is something wrong with them, and this could then suffer unnecessarily. Even though one approach will work for some people, it doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. What this comes down to is that human beings are not all the same; if they were, ‘a one size fits all’ approach would work. When one can step back and see when something isn’t working, they can use their energy to find something that will. A Common Outlook If one suffers from anxiety, feels down, attracts the wrong type of people and/or has obsessive thoughts, for instance, they could end up being told that it’s ‘all in their mind’. Therefore, in order for one to change what is taking place within them or who they attract into their life, it will be important for them to look at what is taking place in their mind. Through changing what is taking place, it should allow them to change how they experience life. While this approach may work, it might not, and this is because the body also plays a part. The Body When one struggles with anxiety, it could be a sign that they don’t feel safe in their body, and this can mean that they are carrying trauma. If one feels down, it could mean that they are carrying trapped grief in their chest area. If one continually attracts the wrong of type of people, it may mean that one is carry trauma and/or has some emotional processing to do. When one has obsessive thoughts, it could be sign that they have an emotional build-up. Going Deeper What this shows is that what is taking place in one’s body can influence their mind, as well as their life. Yet all the time the body is overlooked, it can cause one to look for answers in a place where they can’t be found. Along with this, one can also take on what their caregivers and ancestors were unable to deal with, and this is done out of loyalty. As a result of this, the cause of their problems are not going to be found in their mind, and neither are they going to be found in their body. Awareness When one is carry trauma and/or has and emotional build-up, they can be assisted by a therapist/and or a support group. If on the other hand, they are carrying what doesn’t belong to them, they may need to have a family constellation.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
In today’s world, what is taking place externally is generally given more attention than what is taking place internally. This then means that it can be normal for some people to focus on their appearance and to ignore what is taking place within them.
Point of Focus Someone can then going to focus on how they look, and they might not even realise that they also have an inner world. However, all the time they are focused on creating the right impression, it is unlikely to be something that they are concerned about. Through placing their attention on how they look, there is also the chance that this will lead to approval. The people they are close to and the ones they come across may give them positive feedback. Encouragement Through receiving this kind of feedback, it is going to cause them to feel good about themselves. Pleasing others is then going to be seen as something that allows them to experience good feelings. It will then be important for them to maintain the appearance they have; if they don’t, it is likely to have a negative effect on their well-being. What this can mean is that they can only accept themselves when other people do. Obsessed If this is the case, someone could end up being obsessed with their appearance, and other areas of their life could then be overlooked. All the time they rely on others people’s feedback to feel good; they are not going to want to neglect their appearance. When their appearance is not as it should be, they could end up experiencing anxiety, and it is then not going to be possible for them to experience inner peace. But as soon as they receive the feedback they need, they may soon begin to settle down. Up And Down During those moments when they receive positive feedback from others, they could feel as though they are on top of the world, and this could be an experience that stays with them for a short while. However, when this doesn’t take place, they could feel down and as though they have no value. It is then going to be a challenge for them to experience emotional stability, and this is because they could be used to swinging from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other. The pain within them is then going to be something that gives them the motivation to look good. Alternatively Another option would be for them to look at why they need other people’s approval in order to accept themselves. This would mean that one would have to face how they feel, and while this is likely to be painful, it would give them the chance to change how they experience life. If they were able to accept themselves, they would no longer need to be obsessed with their appearance. This is not to say that they would end up going from one extreme to the other and neglect themselves; what it means is that they would be able to embrace other areas of their life. More Than an Object It would then be possible for them to see themselves as more than just an object that exists to please others. In the short-term, their life could end up getting worse, and this is because they will be facing themselves as opposed to running away from themselves. Yet as time passes, they should begin to settle down, and to realise that their value as a human being doesn’t depend on the approval of others. What this shows is that even though one will experience pain, it won’t last forever, and that there is a reason why they are experience this pain. False-Self When one needs the approval of others in order to accept themselves, it is likely to be a sign that they are out of touch with their true-self. The pain that they experience when they face themselves can then relate to their false-self. There is the chance that one has been out of touch with their true-self since they were younger, and this means that they may believe it is who they are. The pain that they experienced through not having their needs met during these early years can then stay within them, and this pain will need to be processed. Into The Body Through processing this pain and getting in touch with their true-self, they will be able to settle into their body. They then won’t need to be stuck in their head, and they can then be present. However, when one doesn’t process their pain, it can be normal for them to live on the surface of themselves. As a result of this, they can end up living in their head, and their attention is then going to be on other people. Caught Up Thus, one is going to be thinking about whether other people accept them or not, and they won’t be able to relax. It is then not going to be possible for them to live in the moment, and there are going to be people who pick up on this. Some people may find that although one is physically there, it is as if part of them is somewhere else. This is then going to stop one from being able to connect to others, and they could even come across as rude or aloof, for instance. Missing out What this shows is how one can miss out on life through being caught up in what they look like. It will be a lot harder for them to experience a deeper connection with others, and this can cause them to experience even more pain. Awareness If one is in a position where they are obsessed with their appearance and it is then a challenge for them to live in the moment, it might be necessary for them to reach out to a therapist and/or a support group. Through their assistance, one can process the pain that is within them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
When someone is experiencing some kind of inner pain or drama, they can take a closer look at what is taking place and start to look for solutions, or they can focus on what is taking place around them. Through placing their attention on something or someone else, it can allow them to avoid their own life.
However, even though one is going to be neglecting their own life, the people around them might not notice what is taking place. This is partly because they could end up being seen as ‘selfless’. Model Behaviour Their behaviour can then be seen as an example of how someone should be, and this can allow them to receive positive feedback. Through receiving this kind of feedback, then can end up believing that they are doing the right thing. Therefore, even though one is avoiding their own life, it is not something that they need to be concerned about. It can be something they can feel proud of, and if they start to experience problems, they can think about what they have been doing for others. Enabling On the surface, it could look as though one is having a positive effect on others; yet if they were to take a closer look, they might find that is not the whole story. There is the chance that they are stopping people from doing what they need to be doing. As a result of this, one be disempowering others, and they are then going to stop them from being able to move forward in their life. It can then be normal for other people to become dependent on them. Self-Image Based on how the other people see themselves, they might believe that it is not possible for them to handle life without their help. If they have this outlook, they are not going to want one to change. Another way of looking at this would be to say that it is more like a parent-child relationship. The other people may have felt incapable for most of their life, and due to what is taking place within them, they going to be drawn to people who come across as strong. Empowered Individuals If one was to come across someone who was going through a challenging time in their life, for instance, the other person might appreciate their support in the beginning. Yet as time passes, they are likely to realise that one’s behaviour is going to keep them stuck. One will then need to change their behaviour if they want to stay in contact with them. Unless one takes a step back, focuses on their own needs and no longer sees the other as someone that needs to be ‘rescued’, it may only be a matter of time before the other person walks away. Disconnected If one has focused on others for most of their life, it could mean they are out of touch with what is taking place within them. They can know all about the needs of the people around them, and their needs can be a mystery, However, just because they are out of touch with what is taking place within them; it doesn’t mean it won’t have an effect on their life. All that they are unwilling to acknowledge can end up being projected onto others. The Saviours When one is disconnected from what is within them, it can be normal for them to be out of touch with their shame. As a result of this, they can come across as shameless, and this means that one can end up believing that they are more-than others. They are then the ones who have the ability to save others, and they might not be able to see why they are drawn to certain people. The reason they are drawn to these kinds of people is likely to be because it reminds them of what they have disconnected from. Example If one believes they are above others, this is likely to be a sign that they feel as though they are below others. The image they present is then nothing more than an illusion, and all the time they avoid what is taking place at a deeper level, they will continue to be drawn to people who act as though they are below others. One is then going to be out of touch with how they feel, and the people they spend their time with can be in touch with how they feel. The feelings that they express can then be a reflection of the feelings that one has disconnected from. Up and Down The false-self that one has created in order to avoid how they feel will allow them to feel good about themselves. If they were to let go of their false-self and to embrace their true feelings and needs, it could cause them to experience extreme pain. Therefore, unless one has some kind of crises or an experience that makes them revaluate their life, they might stay the same. When this happens, the pain they experience through facing themselves won’t be as strong as the pain they would experience if they were to stay the same. Intimacy All the time that one is out of touch with their true-self, it is going to be a challenge for them to experience intimacy. They are going to be playing a role, and it is not going to be possible for them to feel connected to others through playing a role. If they were to get in touch with their true needs, they might start to feel uncomfortable, and this is because they might feel ashamed of their needs. Rescuing others can also be an indirect way for them to fulfil their needs. Awareness But while being there for others can be a way for one to fulfil their own needs, it is unlikely to work. One can end up feeling let down, and as though the other person is not giving them what they deserve. If one wants to rescue themselves instead of trying to rescue other’s, it will be important for them to step back from what they have been doing. The pain that is within them will need to be processed, and this is something that can take palace with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While some men are able to break away from their mothers, there are other men who are unable to do this. When this doesn’t take place, not only is it going to cause the men to suffer; it is also going to cause the women in their life to suffer.
However, if a man has turned his back on women altogether, they could to be the only ones who have to tolerate what is taking place. Whereas if they still had relationships with women, it is going to mean that their life will also be affected. In The Beginning When a woman meets a man who is too close to his mother, it might not stand out, and this can then cause them to get attached to someone who won’t be able to commit to them. Therefore, in the early stages it can be normal for the woman to believe that she has met the ‘one’. But as time passes, this could be nothing more than an illusion, and she might begin to wonder what she has got herself into. Yet if she has been with men who are like this in the past, she might see certain clues. Emotionally Attached The longer she stays with the man, the harder it will be for her to leave, and although other people could also tell her to walk away, part of her might believe that she can change the man. In this case, staying with him is not going to be a waste of time, as it will be seen as something that will work out soon enough. One approach might be to suggest that he takes a step back from his mother for while, or another option would be for him to see a therapist. On one hand, this could be something that their partner is open to, and on the other hand, it might not be. In The Short-Term If they were to go along with their suggestions in the beginning, it might only be a matter of time before they start to behave in the same way. This could then cause the woman to get annoyed and to say that she is going to walk away, and their partner could say that they will change. The same thing could happen all over again, and the women may see that it is in her best interests to end the relationship. As much as she may want the man to change, it will be important for her to face up to what is actually taking place. A Pattern When a woman finds that she continues to attract men who are like this, it will be important for her to look at what is taking place within her. The reason she continues to attract men who are unavailable could be because she is also unavailable. Therefore, although she may believe that she is ready to find the one, part of her might not be ready. It might then be a good idea for her to work on her self-awareness, and it might also be a good idea for her to work with a therapist. Conflict When a man losses a woman as a result of being too close to his mother, there is a strong chance that he will suffer. But even though he will suffer, it is not going to be enough for him to change. The pain of breaking away from his mother is then going to be more painful that it will be for him to lose a woman. What this shows is that his mother’s needs are going to be more important than his own needs, and it won’t matter how much pain this causes him. Needs There is also the chance that he won’t even be aware of his needs or his feelings, and this is then going to make it hard for him to connect to other women. Yet when it comes to his mothers needs, he is likely to know exactly what they are. One way of looking at this would be to say that he doesn’t have a self of self, and this is because he is enmeshed with his mother. His mother is likely to see him as an extension of herself, and not as a separate individual. Self-Absorbed If a woman was to talk to his mother about what is happening, she might not be able to see what the problem is. The fact that her son is unable to live his life is then going to be overlooked. At a deeper level, his mother could believe that her son is there to look after her, and this could be a sign that she has experienced a similar dynamic. Perhaps she was too close to one of her parents, and as she hasn’t questioned and worked through what happened, the same experience is being played out all over again. Breaking Away When a man gets to the point where he is no longer willing to sabotage his life in order to please his mother, it may be important for him to reach out for support from a therapist and/or some kind of support group. One of the most important things will be for him to develop a sense of self, and to do this, he will need to get in touch with his needs and feelings. This will also be a time where he will begin to develop boundaries, and this will give him the ability to stand his ground when he is around his mother. He is likely to be carrying a lot of emotional pain within him, and this is going to be the result of not having his needs met during his younger years. Processing One way this emotional build-up can be released is through crying out the pain that is within him. Through processing the pain, being affirmed by others and changing his behaviour, he might be able to gradually break away from his mother. However, there is also the chance that this approach won’t be enough for him to break away. He could find that he has a strong need to stay loyal to his mother, and no matter what he does at a mental or emotional level, for instance, it is not possible for him to live his life and to experience inner peace. Loyalty When this happens, the child part of him may be holding on, and this can then stop him from being able to break away. This part could also have the need to remain loyal to his father, and this is because if his father was available, he wouldn’t have needed to be the surrogate spouse. If one was to live their life, it could cause the child part of them to feel guilty, and as though they are betraying not only their mother, but also their father. This part of them would have taken on their caregivers problems out of love, and as way to give something back to the people who gave them life. Awareness This will show that one’s life is still being defined by the child part of them, and that they are taking responsibility for something that doesn’t belong to them. Ultimately, the man is not responsible for his mother. Another way would be for the man to ask themselves if they would want their child to sabotage their life in order to please them. Through thinking about this, it may allow them to see how crazy this dynamic is. One way to let go of the need to be loyal will be for them to have a family constellation, and this is something that can place in a workshop or through a one-to-one session.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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