As human beings, we are interdependent and although someone people can come to the conclusion that they are independent, this is just an illusion. They may well be able to support themselves financially, but they are still reliant on other people paying them money. This is clearly different to one person being dependent on other people for money. In this instance, it is a one way process and one is not giving anything in return. When one is being paid for what they give, a mutual exchange is taking place. So this is a sign of that one has developed themselves to a certain degree and can give and receive in this area of their life. To be able to receive through giving is going to make one feel empowered and important. That is unless they are doing something they don’t enjoy. In this case, even though they are getting paid, they might not feel too empowered about it at the end of each day or the end of the week. In some cases, this might make them want to be paid for doing nothing; as they are so fed up with getting paid for doing what they don’t enjoy. Emotions And while one is interdependent on others when it comes to making money, the same applies to their emotional security. In order for one to feel emotionally secure and centred, it will be important for them to have support around them. This is generally going to include: friends, family, colleagues and their partner or lover. Each of these people will play and import role in how one feels; with some playing a bigger role than others. Here one will feel emotionally nurtured and nourished through spending time with these people and having them in their life. And as one is receiving this from others, they will also give this in return. Give And Take So this whole process is about giving and taking, it is not one sided. These relationships would be described as being interdependent and not dependent. This means that although ones emotional state is enhanced through being around these people from time to time, it is not completely defined by them. One still has a sense of emotional autonomy and this allows them to be by themselves and away from people without their being a sense of inner unrest. Unless one is facing some kind of loss instance, then their will naturally be a greater need to have other people around. A Metaphor Similarly to how one can have something to eat and once they have eaten, they can go about their day. Food is unlikely to be on their mind once they have eaten, they can focus on the task at hand. After a while, once their hunger returns, they can think about having food and then take the steps to have it. This would be an example of interdependence. The Absence When this doesn’t exist, one is going to find it hard to be away from someone or from a certain group of people. So in the case of food, it would be like one eating and then experiencing all kinds of distress until they can eat again. Their mind is then consumed with all kinds of thoughts and the need to eat again will be extremely high. These persons emotionally state will be completely defined by what is taking place externally. And they won’t have the ability to regulate or sooth themselves from the inside. Space Each one of us is going to want to have our own space and to do our own thing and so it is going to be impossible for one to always be around the same person or people all the time. Space is needed and after a while of being apart, one will want to come together once again. For someone who is emotionally dependent on another, this natural need to separate is going to be a challenge. The Experience So to use the example from above: to be away from someone won’t be like eating and then having a break from eating, before eating once again soon after. It will be like eating once and then coming to the conclusion that one won’t ever eat again. There is naturally going to be a lot of anxiety and fear involved for this person. And along with this could be feeling of being: abandoned, alone, cut off and rejected. As well as feeling powerless, hopeless and that one is going to die. Confusion Now, as one is physically separate and doesn’t need to rely on anyone in particular in order to survive, this whole experience could be confusing. Physically one is no going to die if they are away from someone, but their emotional experience could make them feel as though they are going to die. So if ones physical age is overlooked and one just takes into account on what is going on emotionally, they will soon see that there is a big difference. What they could see is that they still feel like baby or a small child. Childhood As a baby and for a few years after as a child, one is emotionally dependent on their caregiver/s. The ideal is for one to break away from their caregiver’s and to experience themselves as being physically separate. Through this process taking place, one will develop the ability to manage their emotions. For this to take place, one will need to have a caregiver who is emotionally aware and in tune. If they are out of touch, there will be greater chance of this process being sabotaged. One common occurrence of having an emotionally cut off caregiver, is that ones emotions will not be regulated or mirrored; either through them being physically or emotionally absent. Separation When this process doesn’t take place, one is then unable to complete this important part of their development. And when this happens, one can end up being stuck at this stage and will then continue to see others as they saw their caregivers. It will then be necessary for one to emotionally separate form their caregiver’s as an adult and as they do this, they will be able to maintain an inner balance and a sense of consistency when other people are not around. Awareness The above is just one potential reason as to why one is emotionally dependent. If one still feels like they did as a child when people are not around, then they may have an emotional build up. So these will need to be released and this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. And as well as allowing one to release these, they will also receive the mirroring and attunement that they didn’t get growing up. These two elements will allow one to become emotionally separate.
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There are some people who believe just about everything that another person says. And then there are others who go to the other extreme, who question and doubt everything they hear. With other people having a balance between the two; so they don’t believe everything that comes out of other people’s mouths and they don’t doubt everything either. In this case, one is going to listen to what they feel or sense is true in the interactions they have. Extremes will be less likely and each moment will be judged accordingly. This is not to say that one will never be deceived by another, what it does mean is that there will be less chance of this happening. Gullible To believe just about everything that comes out of other people’s mouths means that one is going to be labelled as gullible. And to be this way is going to make one vulnerable to all kinds of things. These could be fairly minor occurrences or it could result in one being completely taken advantage of. So one could lose their centre for short time and at the other end of the spectrum, they could lose their house. And as the world contains all types of people, there are going to be people out there who will try to get everything they can from another and this will be done in a way that leaves one feeling used and even abused. These might be described as con artists or experts at manipulation. Once they have come to the conclusion that another person is easily influenced and open to believing things without doubt, they will be the perfect target. But it doesn’t even have to be this bad for someone, as the people they call their friends and even their family, could also take them for a ride. Anger To be taken for a fool over and over again is going to cause one to feel a lot of anger and resentment towards another and this might spread out towards people in general. This could cause one to see everyone in the same way and to wonder who can actually be trusted. There could be the expectation that there is someone just around the corner who will either use them in some way or will at least try to. But while some people will notice that there is a pattern involved, some people may end up being caught up in each occurrence and not see the bigger picture. It could be that they were brought up in an environment where there was very little deceit. And so they assume that everyone in the world is the same. Hidden Agenda The other option of seeing everyone as having a hidden agenda or acting from a place of malicious intent is not going to create a good experience on this earth. One could suffer from mild, to extreme paranoia and it will be difficult to trust anyone. It will then be part of life to always be on the lookout and to have a heighted sense of awareness. This is going to take a lot of energy and make it hard for someone to be able to relax and to let go. Normal However, if one was brought up in an environment that was full of deceit for instance, they may have ended up believing that everyone is the same. So even when this is not the case, their mind is still perceiving reality in the same way. Certain associations will be triggered and the ability to respond to the present moment then becomes impossible. Life is then being lived as a reaction and as a projection of the past. The Ideal So the ideal is for one to be able to be in the moment and to respond accordingly, as well as having a few ideas as to what the signs of deceit are. There is plenty of information out there when it comes to spotting people who lie or how to deal with manipulative people for instance. And while one can consume lots of information and arm themselves to handle and even to avoid deceitful people, there is another ability that already exists and doesn’t need to be learnt. For some people this will be classed as a: gut instinct, a knowing or intuition. This is not something that is only available for a certain type of person; it is something everyone has. But while everyone has it, it doesn’t mean that everyone is in touch with it. The Body When one is in touch with their body, they will be able to listen to this source of information and guidance. And this has nothing to do with the brain in one’s head; it is to do with one’s body. The mind runs on ideas about life, where as the body is at one with life. So this means that one’s body is connected to others and there is no separation at this level. But the mind is not relating to reality in the same way; the mind is disconnected. Example If one only listens to the words that are being spoken and the actions that are being made, then the mind is being engaged and everything could be taken at face value. For example, another person does something that is kind or generous and then the mind will come up with a number of associations as to what this means. So if this doesn’t relate to a kind on generous act, it is clear that these associations are going to be positive and one is going to respond favourably to this person as a result. The Real Agenda The body on the other hand is not responding to associations like the mind, it is responding to what kind of resonance or energy this person is sending out. This means that their true intention is going to be picked up and this might not be picked up directly. It could be just a bad feeling or a sense that something is not right. One’s mind may not understand what the reason is, but their body is telling them loud and clear. And this means that the body’s message could be dismissed and denied. Disconnected But while one could deny what their body is telling them, one might not even be aware of their body. They may have become cut off from their body and primarily live in their head. The reason for this is probably because it feels safer there, but while this is so, it sets them up to be deceived by others. The body’s wisdom is not being utilized and this is a big loss and makes one far more vulnerable than they would be if they were in touch with their body. It then won’t be possible to tune into what is behind the words or the good actions. And along with this disconnection from one’s body, is likely to be the disconnection from ones emotions. Emotions play a big part in allowing one to know if something is right or not. There may have been a time in one’s life where they were taught to deny what was taking place within them. And this then set them up to depend on what was taking place externally. Awareness Being able to listen to one’s body is vital when it comes to knowing what someone’s true intentions are. For some people, this may mean gradually bringing their awareness into their body and doing this until it becomes natural. This could mean getting involved with something like yoga or martial arts. And for others it may mean that they have an emotional build up that needs to be looked at. Because until these trapped emotions are released from their body, they will continue to be pushed into their head. If one finds that they have a pattern of: attracting or being attracted to people who are deceitful, then letting goes off their emotional build may put an end to this. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be useful for this process.
While someone can be by themselves, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will feel lonely. To be on their own and away from others could be something that they enjoy; with one feeling energised by it. However, there are other people who can be by themselves and this makes them feel incredibly lonely. In this case, they are unable to enjoy their own company and the experience makes them feel cut off and isolated from other people. But although this could be seen as one simply being with others and feeling connected and being by themselves and feeling disconnected, it is not always this back and white. Inner Experience As it is possible for one to be around other people and to still feel as though they are alone. Similarly, to how one can spend time by themselves and feel completely connected and at peace. This goes to show that it is not so much about what is going on externally, as it is about what is going on internally. And is likely to include: emotions, thoughts, sensations and beliefs. With these combining to create a powerful inner experience and one that will define how one does or does or not lead their life. Scenarios This is going to create certain patterns in one’s life and these could take place without one even being aware of them. One possible option is for one to always be in a relationship with someone and this doesn’t have to be a fulfilling one. As long as one is with someone and not by themselves that may well be good enough. For another person, it might be that they can’t avoid feeling alone and although they would like to be in a relationship, they can’t seem to get this far with another person. Another option would be for one to alternate between the two patterns above. So they could be in one relationship after another and then have a period of being by themselves. Or they could primary be by themselves and then have a relationship with another on the odd occasion. Regulation In the first example one can regulate their feelings through being with another person. And at the same time, this doesn’t mean that one won’t feel alone in the relationship; as they could still feel as they do when they are by themselves. When it comes to the second scenario, one could be more in touch with how they feel. Or they might use other means as a way to regulate how they feel. So one person is likely to use their primary relationship to change how they feel and the other may use different kinds of escapes to numb their pain. Relationships When one has this experience of feeling alone, no matter if they are with another or by themselves, there is going to be the potential for compromise to occur. A bit like going shopping when one is hungry; one often ends up buying anything and doesn’t always think about whether something is actually suitable or not. It could mean that one finds themselves in a relationship that will enable them to heal this challenge. But they could also find that they are in a relationship that is dysfunctional, unhealthy and abusive. And one could end up playing the role of the perpetrator or the rescuer or they could be the person who ends up as the victim and the one who is rescued. It is then not an adult to adult relationship where each person is on the same level, one is above the other. Casual Flings If one doesn’t have long terms relationships with another to avoid feeling lonely, they may just settle for short term encounters. And while this may not be very fulfilling, they still enable one to avoid having to fully face their feelings. The Alternative This is clearly not the ideal way to live and yet one may not know that there is an alternative. The emotional experience can be so strong that one ends up being controlled by it and doesn’t have the chance to do anything else. Under The Fear So one person can have a fear of being alone and does all they can to be in a relationship. And another person can have the same fear, but never manages to get into a relationship. On the surface this could be seen as one person having more confidence than the other and this allows them to actually get into a relationship. Whereas the other is not confident enough to get in to one in the first place The person who has a tendency of being in relationships is likely to have a strong fear of being abandoned; as well a feeling of being engulfed existing at a deeper level. And the person who avoids them is likely to have a strong fear of being engulfed. The feeling of being abandoned is also going to exist, but the fear of being engulfed will be a lot stronger. Causes It might be hard to understand the reason as to why these feelings are so powerful and that is until one comes to see that these feelings originated when they were completely dependent on their caregiver/s. The mind often forgets about these early years and everything can then appear to be one big mystery. But how one feels is likely to be normal, based on what took place all those years ago. Childhood Ideally, one would have had a caregiver that was emotionally aware and attuned to their needs and wants as a child. This doesn’t mean that one needed the perfect caregivers/s, what it means is that they were good enough. When this is not the case, the chances are high that one will either be abandoned as a child or that they will be engulfed or both. This may have been a regular occurrence or it may have happened a few times, but the consequences can be the same. To be abandoned at this age will feel like death and that is partly because one hasn’t got the ability to regulate their emotions at this age. Being engulfed is likely to lead to one feeling the same way and they may well have had moments of being abandoned also. And as ones caregiver were out of touch with how one felt, their emotions would have ended up being pushed out of their awareness and ended up being trapped in their body. Awareness The above is just a rough guide and what it emphasises is the fact that although one has physically grown up, emotionally they have stayed the same. And all the time these feelings remain trapped in one’s body, one will continue to create the same reality. To be by oneself and to feel at ease will not be possible either, as these feelings will create the illusion of being separate and cut off. One way of dealing with these trapped feelings and emotions is to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Here, one will face them and gradually release them.
During the first few years of one’s life, they are emotionally dependent on their caregivers. And so it is vital that they are not left alone for prolonged periods of time, because if they are left it can be extremely overwhelming and therefore traumatising. But this doesn’t mean that one’s caregivers had to physically leave them in order for one to feel abandoned, as they could have been nearby. So they could have been physically present, but emotionally absent. What matters is having a caregiver that is emotionally aware and in tune. When this doesn’t take place on a consistent basis, it is highly likely that feeling of being abandoned is going to arise. And this won’t just be on the odd occasion, but on a regular basis. One could have been left on the odd occasion or just a few times and yet this was traumatising. And this may been an experience that has stayed with them ever since. So it doesn’t need to be something that took place on a daily basis for someone to suffer. But there are also going to be people who were more or less left altogether. Being left was then a way of life for this person and this meant that one would have suffered immensely. When their caregiver was there, they could have ended up making one feel smothered, engulfed and trapped. As a result of being emotionally unaware and cut off from themselves. Death As a baby and then a young child, one hasn’t developed the ability to handle their emotions. This part of them has not been formed yet and so they are reliant on their caregiver to regulate how they feel. To be left at this time in one’s life would not only have created feelings of being abandoned in ones chest, it would also have included feelings of being powerless and helpless in their stomach. At the bottom of all of this would be the feeling of death. This experience would be experienced as though one was going to die. So being neglected at this age is no laughing matter and not only will it cause problems for someone during the experience, it can also go onto define their whole life. Time passes, environments change and different faces appear, but this pain will still be there. Healing That is unless one was able to heal this trauma and truly move on from what happened. However, this is often the exception as opposed to the rule in today’s world. If ones caregivers left one during their early years, then it is unlikely that they would have been there to validate and to allow one to process how they felt. Some people can seek help in later life and work on this pain through the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Awareness can play a big part, as it can be easy for this kind of trauma to control one’s life and for one to get stuck; not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. This whole process can also take a while, as if one was abandoned a lot as a child, they might not be in a good way. So as to how long it will take to heal can vary from person to person. It is not a black and white scenario; as each person is unique and responds to things differently. Years Go By Ones childhood can seem like a distant memory and one can be completely cut off from those years. But although time has passed and one has physically changed, it could be a very different story when it comes to ones emotional development. They could live in their head and be cut off from their emotions. This is done to protect oneself from pain; it is rarely something that one chooses to do, it just happens naturally. So it is highly likely that everything that one felt during those years is still trapped in their body. And all the time it is there, one’s life will continue to be affected by what took place all those years ago. As well as the feelings that were created by the experience, there will also be the beliefs that one’s mind formed as a result. Beliefs It is unlikely that one will have formed empowering beliefs if they were abandoned on the odd occasion or as a regular occurrence. Through this taking place, one could come to the conclusion that they are: worthless, have no value, are unwanted, don’t deserve to exist, and are unworthy of another’s time and attention and that they are invisible for instance. If one was left by their primary caregiver then it is not going to create the idea that one has any value or that they are important. So to have ‘negative’ beliefs would simply be a by product of these early experiences and this means it should not be taken as a reflection of their true nature. Ultimately, the mind can believe anything and it doesn’t have to be true. If these beliefs were taken at face value, it would make sense to just remove them and to create better ones. But to do this would not deal with the original trauma in one’s body. So it would be a half measure at best, and one could end up living in their head for the rest of their life; never fully embracing their body and all that this brings. Feelings When these feelings remain trapped in one’s body, they are naturally going to control how one feels and also how they behave. The people one attracts and is attracted to will also reflect these feelings. One could do their best to always be in a relationship to avoid feeling abandoned ever again or they could avoid relationships in general to avoid having to face these feelings again. One person is then highly aware of their feelings and the other has become cut off from them and could be emotionally numb. They could also alternate between the two and vary depending on who they or are not with. Some people can end up being very needy and others can appear needless. To be left for long periods of time as a baby and a child, can cause one to close up and although they need attention, it could be something that they fear. Especially if they were either: abandoned or smothered and engulfed when they were younger. These are just some of the potential consequences that can arise. Awareness Part of being abandoned can be a sense of loss and grief, as well as the other feelings. And these trapped feelings and emotions will need to be released from one’s body. A therapist or a healer who will allow one to face them and gradually release them is probably the best option. Not only will the feelings be released from one’s body, they will also receive the mirroring and attunement that they didn’t receive all those years ago from their caregiver/s. And this is a big part of the process; because one is reparenting themselves as an adult.
It doesn’t matter whether one is a man or woman, as they can both be walked over by the same or the opposite sex. And while this could relate to someone being physically walked over, in the majority of cases, it is not that extreme. But that is not to say that the damage is therefore less severe. It might take a while for the damage to appear, but it can be just as bad in the long run and even in the short term, depending on what happens. What it refers to is one having their boundaries crossed by another person. And these can cover the following areas of one’s nature: intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual. But let’s not create the impression that one is a complete victim here and has no choice as to whether other people compromise their boundaries. Permission In order for this to happen, one needs to give the other person permission. Now, this could be given unconsciously and happen out of one’s conscious awareness. However, if one has this happen from time to time, it is unlikely to cause too many problems. As human beings we are not perfect and neither are we meant to be, so there is inevitably going to be moments where one slips up and doesn’t to what they need to do. What will create difficulties is when this has become a way of life for someone. A Way Of Life And in this case, when a man has a pattern of letting women walk all over them, it is going to be a big problem. One could have become accustomed to it and even dismiss it, but it is not going to allow one to have healthy or functional relationships with the opposite sex. Other people could wonder why they are putting up with this kind of behaviour and yet the man may have come to the conclusion that this is how life is. They may have experienced some women who are not, but as it is so common, the ones who are not end up being filtered out. Resistance There is going to be resistance and a sense of frustration on some level. And although this could be covered up and hidden from time to time or as way of life, it won’t go away. If this pain is covered up or released through different kinds of escapes for example; one could end up putting up with it for the foreseeable future. But if they embrace this pain and use it in a constructive manner, then change can occur and one can move beyond this challenge. Awareness will be the key, as will finding the right information and support. The Experience So for one to have a woman walk all over them is not going to be too pleasant. And while this could relate to one area of their life, it could affect them in all areas. The urge could be there to overlook what women are doing or to react to it and become violent, and yet this won’t deal with the problem. This could be something that causes them problems in their: intimate relationships, with family members, friends or colleagues for instance. When they are around them, their whole sense of self could erode and they then end up going along with whatever the woman wants. It then won’t matter if they agree with what is going on or if it is causing them to compromise themselves. They don’t stand up for themselves and they don’t hold their ground. Their behaviour makes them look as though they are walking doormats. Self Respect The women in this person’s life will be used to getting what they want regardless of if the man wants the same thing. So this may give them a sense of power and control, but they are unlikely to respect the man. An in order for the man to put up with this kind of behaviour, it is clear they don’t respect themselves. What truly matters to them is pleasing a woman, all the while displeasing themselves. This means that the man is engaging in self harm and this is a sign of inner conflict. Conflict At a conscious level, a man is unlikely to feel comfortable with being walked over. However, at deeper level, it is what will feel comfortable and safe. The mind is going to create a story as to why this is happening. And this could cause one to create an identity of being a victim and having no control. But the real answers are in one’s body and not in their mind. So at one point in their life, they would have been in an environment where being walked over was normal and this then became associated as what is safe by their ego mind. Causes And this could have been an environment that one was in as an adult, but it generally relates to their childhood environment. So how one was treated by their mother will often define what they put up with from women in later life. This can also include what their sister was like, if they had one and other females that were around at the time. The men that were around at the time will also play a big part. If they were walked over, then this can be taken as an example of how to behave around women. The Mother Figure During these years, their mother is likely to have had boundaries challenges herself. And this then caused her to be unaware of how her son was responding. The love that she gave could have been conditional and therefore they had to do what they were told to avoid being abandoned and harmed in some way. At such a young age, being abandoned feels like death. It was not possible for them to be themselves and to be loved for who they were; it was based on certain requirements being met. So they learnt from an early age that they could only survive by pleasing others. And being walked over could have been something that they had to experience for many, many years. Consequences These early experiences or ones that were similar would have created certain beliefs and thoughts. But before these were formed, there would have been an emotional experience. And if ones mother was unaware of that fact that she was training her son to be walked over in life, she was probably completely oblivions to what feelings they were having. So these would have had to have been pushed out of one’s awareness. And when it comes to a man standing up to women as an adult, these feelings will be triggered and stop them from being able to hold their ground. The feelings will cause the man to project the past onto the present and to perceive women as being in control of how they feel. Awareness In reality, all they are doing is making these repressed feelings come to the surface. While a man may not be a baby or a child any more, they can still feel like one and therefore behave like one. So these feelings and emotions that have been trapped in their body every since, will need to be released. When this happens, one will start to feel that it is safe to stand their ground. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face them and gradually release them.
In today’s world it is not uncommon for someone to hear that exercise is vital when it comes to leading a happier, healthier and even a longer life. So if one takes part in some form of exercise a few times a week, then their life will change for the better. And it doesn’t take a genius to realise that regular exercise is going to enhance ones experience of life. Along with this will be a good diet; to make sure that one gets the right nutrients into their body. These are two things that human beings have always had to do, but awareness has recently increased due to people’s health and physical condition becoming progressively worse as time has passed. And as things have got so bad, exercising and eating well has become essential. As the years have gone by in the western world, life has become more sedentary. Through the use of technology, certain things have become easier and requite less effort. Many, many years ago for example, humans had to hunt for food and exercise was part of this process. But now, food can be brought, so this removes the physical side of the equation. The Physical Body So as we have a physical body, engaging in some kind of exercise is important and so is eating the right food to fuel the body. However, to say that exercise alone or exercise with the right nutrition is enough to lead a happy and fulfilling life is an oversight. There are often sports stars in the media, people who are in peak condition, who are suffering from depression or something similar. This shows that being happy and eating well is not necessarily enough. Even though that is what the media typically churns out and what a lot of people come to conclude as the truth. The Intellect Another area that one can develop and work on is their intellect. And this is something that generally gets developed in the west, that’s not to say that every does this to a high degree, just that the option is there. So even though one might not go too far with this area or have the intention to increase their intellectual capabilities, they are likely to have been exposed to a certain degree of education or information from the moment they are born. And education is obviously paramount when it comes to moving away from ignorance and to empower individuals, as well as a society as a whole. Freedom can come about through people having the right information, just as enslavement can come about through people having the wrong information. The Limit But the intellect can only get one so far and it won’t always lead to someone becoming happier and fulfilled. An over developed intellect can often be a consequence of one suffering emotionally. In some cases, people who are incredibly bright suffer when it comes to relationships. This can be because their intellectual development has overtaken their emotional development, and as emotions are a vital part of relationships, they are out of their depth. So having a well developed intellect is incredibly important, but it is not everything and it is not meant to replace emotional development. One can be very bright and be able to think themselves out of most challenges, but they could still suffer emotionally. Logic or thinking rationally is only going to get one so far is they are overwhelmed by emotions or are carry a lot of emotional baggage for instance. Emotional Growth When the media talks about what it takes to experience wellbeing, emotions are often nowhere to be seen. And this plays a big part in keeping emotions of the fringe of life and as something that can be overlooked without too much trouble. However, there are people in the world who are emotionally together and they are not majorly intellectual or obsessed when it comes to exercise. But this doesn’t mean that they are therefore living a mediocre life. They can have relationships that are deep and fulfilling and feel fulfilled and happy in life. Through being in touch with their emotions, building relationships is going to be easier than if they were emotionally dead, but intellectually advanced. And when one is not emotionally stable and at ease, there is often the need to do more and just being becomes a lot harder. Forming relationships with no emotional awareness is going to be a real challenge. In fact, if one is suffering emotionally, it can be hard to enjoy life no matter what their physical shape is or how intelligent they are. Individual Responsibility But in most cases, unless one forms a healthy relationship with their emotions during childhood or takes matters into their own hands as an adult, they never will. The education system doesn’t teach people how they work or on how to deal with them. And once one is in the ‘real world’ they are unlikely to receive any guidance. Society doesn’t show people how to deal with them directly, what they do is show people how to avoid them; with their being many options available. To Be Heard And when emotions are not dealt with, they can end up building up in one’s body and this can cause one to be emotionally stuck. These emotions that are causing so much pain and confusion could have been stuck in one’s body since they were a baby and a child, as well as having built up over their adult years. What they often need is to be heard and not to be covered up or avoided. When they are faced, heard and released, one can begin to feel lot lighter and more at ease with themselves and to form a healthier relationship with their emotional nature. And as we are emotional beings, this is not mean to be an additional thing or a bonus area of life, but a relationship that is healthy and functional for all of us. One that is as important as eating, drinking, exercising and educating the mind. Awareness If one feels that they are emotionally unstable or stuck and that their intellectual development has exceeded their emotional growth, then it could be due to trapped emotions in their body. And these can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who allows one to face them and gradually release them.
If defence mechanisms were mentioned, it is likely that regression would be spoken about and this is because it is one of the more common ones. But no matter what defence mechanism is used, they all have the same purpose. With the purpose being that they allow one’s mind to avoid the emotional pain of the body. Although defence mechanisms could be seen as bad things, without them one wouldn’t last very long. They allow one to keep pain under control and to regulate what happens to them. Without them one would end up being overwhelmed by pain and life would be unbearable. However, one can have a tendency to use one defence mechanism more that they use another or even have a few that they use as a way of life. And the reason that they have become accustomed to using a certain one can depend on numerous factors. Their childhood will play a big role, as will the people that they spend their time with and the society that they live in. so the ones they use will typically be what one feels safe with and to use others would be associated as not being safe. The Build Up So even though one will need to use these from time to time and could have certain ones operating in their life constantly, the more pain that has built up within them, the more defences they will need to have. If these defence mechanisms were removed even momentarily, all kinds of pain could arise and this might be too much for someone to cope with. At least if they didn’t have the right support around them. One might need to undergo a number of sessions with a therapist or a healer. But with that aside, it is clear that defence mechanisms are similar to the dams that keep water at bay. And just like how water would shoot out if the dam wasn’t there, emotional pain would appear in the same way if these defences were not in place. Short Term One could have a tire that goes flat and as a way to handle this problem, they use the spare. But while this has short term benefits, it is often not meant to be used constantly. A new tyre will be needed. And although defence mechanisms do have short term benefits, when they are used in the long run it can lead to problems. The mind can come to the conclusion that everything is fine and yet the body will still be carrying the emotional pain that appeared through a certain event or a number of events taking place. Control These defence mechanisms allow the mind to experience a sense of control. And this is not done through the mind working with ones emotions and being with then, but by trying to control them or through denying their existence. But although the mind can believe that it is in control by avoiding emotions and therefore the pain that they can create, the whole process is can cause one to become more and more out of control. And yet these defence mechanisms can stop one from realising that this is what is actually happening. What is happening in one’s body and what is taking place externally can then seem random and as happening to them, as opposed to being created by them. As Time Passes At first, one might be able to deal with this emotional pain without too much trouble, but as time passes and the years go by, it is likely to become out of control. The cracks will start to appear in one way or another. One could then end up engaging in a lot of projection and what they are not willing to face within themselves; they end up seeing in other people. Here, one can feel that they are being victimised by external factors, but the world is just reflecting back what is going on in their body. Regression When it comes to regression, one is returning to a state of being that feels safe. So there will be an external trigger of some kind and based on how ones ego mind interprets this, one will end up feeling a certain way and therefore act in a way that feels comfortable. This will happen automatically and without one having to think about it. As an adult this is not going to be ideal, as one is likely to regress to a childlike state. So although they are physically an adult, emotionally they will feel like child. And this is not going to be a child that is happy and full of life. Childhood It could be the result of what has happened throughout one’s life, but one childhood years are often the primary cause. So during ones childhood, something would have happened that was traumatic or there could have been an accumulation of miner experiences that were traumatic and this caused them to feel certain emotions. And if these were allowed to be faced and released there wouldn’t be a problem. But as they were not released, they will have stayed stuck in one’s body. And whenever one is in a situation that reminds them of this early event, they will return to how they felt all those years ago. The Experience This could be something subtle and doesn’t necessarily need to be something significant. All it could take is: a certain look or vocal tone, smell, temperature or a word and one has regressed. They could then end up feeling: hopeless, helpless, vulnerable, ashamed, scared, abandoned, rejected, alone, humiliated and powerless amongst other things. Awareness So all the time these trapped feelings and emotions are in one’s body, it is going to be a challenge for one to be an empowered adult. One might find that they regress during certain moments or that their life is full of these moments and they generally feel out of control and disempowered. These will needs to be faced and released. And this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face them and gradually release them.
When one thinks about the people in their life who support them, their friends will typically come to mind. Ideally, these will be the people who one can turn to for advice, encouragement and acceptance for instance. So one is able to be themselves around them and doesn’t feel the need to wear a mask or to put on an act. Who they are is enough and one will also have the same outlook towards their friends. And while they are accepted for who they, there will also feel that they can grow and continue to develop without being rejected. This is not necessarily going to be something that will be vocalised, but one will sense it and come to know that it is so through how their friend or friends behave. Connection In the beginning of a friendship, one is going to see the other person as being completely separate and as another person. A certain amount of comfort and trust will need to form before one sees them in another way. And this can happen almost instantly or it can take a while to develop. As time passes and one feels different towards the other person, how they see them will change. They might no longer be seen as a separate person. This doesn’t mean that one has completely lost their boundaries and become enmeshed to them or has unhealthy narcissism; it is just a natural consequence of feeling close to another. One can then relax around the other person and no longer needs to have their guard up or to have a heightened sense of awareness, as they might have done in the beginning. This is an essential part of having a relationship with another, if one didn’t open up, then it wouldn’t be possible for a connection to take place. Two Outcomes Now, there are going to be two outcomes through one opening up to another person. On one side there is going to be the opportunity for one to experience a deep connection with another humans being and one that will support them, just as one will support their friend. And to have even one true friend is priceless and not something that should be taken for granted. And part of being open and dropping ones boundaries means that one is going to seek approval and acceptance from their friend and this often taken place unconsciously. Ones identity can often end up being partly defined through having this person as their friend. This is not negative per se; it is just part of being human. We often identify with external things and this partly allows us to form a sense of who we are and who we are not. Support To seek approval and acceptance from a friend is not necessarily a bad thing; this could be classed as healthy approval and acceptance. What wouldn’t be healthy is if one was to seek approval from everyone. Having this approval can allow one to feel stronger and to be able to have handle life better. That doesn’t mean that one is dependent on their friends, it means that ones life is enhanced by having them and are therefore interdependent. So when one feels down or like they just want to throw in the towel, their friend is there. Or during times when they have achieved a success or overcome milestone, they are also there. No matter whether one is on an up or experiencing a down, the same support is available. And when things are neither are or down and are simply neutral. The Challenge However, when one has lowered their boundaries and formed their identity around being friends with someone who no longer supports them or enhances their life, there could be problems. The other person may play a big role in how one sees themselves and although they are no longer on their side, it can be hard to either break way or to limit the time that they spend around them. One will not always be aware of how one of their friends or friends in general are limiting them, it could all be taking place without them realising it. And this is why friends can be gift or they can be a curse, and this description may even sound a bit extreme. The need to break away could create feelings of guilt and fear. A Metaphor When one loses something in their house they are typically going to have certain places where they look. And if it is not in these places then they might end up giving up and forgetting about it. But, there could be place where they don’t think to look and all because they don’t expect it to be there. After this area or place enters their mind, they are soon reunited with their lost item. And friends can be very similar to this. As one has been friends with someone for while or even a short time and has lowered their boundaries; they can end up being oblivious to how they are affecting their life. So although one can feel stuck in life and unable to move forward, what doesn’t occur to them is that it could be due to being friends with someone. Stuck One is then stuck and they have switched off or they might know about the damage that is being done. It could be that one has changed and their friend is not willing to embrace that change, and so they still try to make them embody the role that they used to play. So one might find that they return to how they were around this friend. And all the time this side of them is being supported, they are unable to fully grow into how they now see themselves. If one has changed, one may find that their friend comes on stronger as a way to make one behave as they did in the past. We all have an energy field or an aura and ones field influences others and another’s field influences them. And at one point in time, their friend’s field may have uplifted, validated and inspired by them, but as time has passed, it now leaves them feeling: drained, invalidated, weak, controlled, trapped and/or disempowered for instance. Awareness This is not to say that one blames their friends or simply gets rid of them. People grow and change at different rates and each one of us has a different path to walk. And so who one feels connected to at one point in their lives may change as time passes. One may need to reflect on how they feel around them and to listen to their body. To see if they are being nourished by their presence or if they end up feeling malnourished. If it is the second option, them one will need to utilize their boundaries. And to limit how much time they spend with them. As one lets go of the friends that don’t support them, they will begin to attract people who do. This might not happen straight away, but if one is active and makes an effort to meet people, it will happen.
While one can have grown into an adult and therefore left their childhood behind them, it doesn’t mean that they have completely moved on from those early years. Ones childhood influences them in ways that are obvious and in ways that are more or less oblivious. It is a time that plays a massive role in who one will become; either as a direct result of what happened or through or through one using what happened as a catalyst to be more. In one way or another, these years are fundamental and cannot be overlooked. And these years become even more significant when one was abused as a child. However, just because someone was abused during these years, it doesn’t mean that they want to admit it or that they even realise that it took place. There will be people who are aware of what happened and these people may find that although they do have fairly accurate understanding of what took place, they are still unable to move on. So although each person is having a different experience, ultimately they are all in the same position. And either consciously or unconsciously, they are all stuck in the past. The Block We all have a body and a mind and these are often out of sync with each other. The mind sees what it wants to see and believes what it wants to believe; this is the world of illusions and ideas. Conditioning is a product of the mind and it can be programmed in a whole host of ways. When it comes to the body, there are no illusions about reality. It is in the here and now and doesn’t have ideas about reality; it embraces reality for what it is. Although the body cannot be programmed like the mind, it can carry emotional baggage due to the mind not wanting to face it. So the mind is not interested in the truth, the mind is more concerned with avoiding the pain that may arise through connecting to the body or about maintaining a certain identity. The body on the other hand is all about the truth and has no interest in lies or illusions. Conflict And this can lead to conflict: with the mind trying to contain the pain that exists in the body and the body trying to break free from the minds control, in order to release the pain. It is then not possible for harmony to exist and for them to work together, they are fighting each other. As human beings we have a wide range of emotions that can be experienced and the ideal is to feel safe expressing each and every one of them. But in today’s world, some emotions are seen as acceptable and others as unacceptable, so one ends up denying parts of their emotional nature. If we were primarily thinking beings this would be fine, but the truth is that we are emotional beings first and foremost. So to completely deny ones emotions and to only pay attention to ones thoughts is going to create problems sooner or later. Child Abuse And this is a big part of why moving on from child abuse can take so long. If one felt comfortable expressing their emotional pain in relation to what took place all those years ago, then healing could start to occur and this is not to say it will happen overnight, but it will happen at a rate that one feels comfortable with. The body is then being able to release what has been stored there for many, many years. A bit like a stream that was blocked for so long, it can now flow and do what it is supposed to do. The Mind But the mind can get in the way and stop this flow from taking place. And while the body wants to release the emotional pain and heal itself, the mind will stop this process from taking place. This can be due to the mind being conditioned to believe that some emotions are inappropriate. One can have formed an identity that relates to them never being angry, having needs or being sad for instance. This could be the result of what their caregivers imposed upon them during their early years. Guilt And although they were abused, they could have been made to feel as though they deserved it. So if one was to embrace their true feelings they would end up feeling guilty and ashamed. This guilt is then like a lock that stops them from embracing their feelings and in turn, keeps them stuck. But while the guilt can feel legitimate and based on the truth of what took place all those years ago, it is irrational and was based on manipulation. Fear Another thing that can stop one form embracing their emotions is the fear of what may happen. To express them could cause them to regress to how they felt all those years ago; so to embrace them could feel like life or death. However, all the time that one is controlled by this fear and unable to get in touch with that is going on in their body, they will remain stuck. Trapped Emotions The emotional reactions that one had as a child during the abuse would have ended up staying trapped in their body. Without someone being there to acknowledged and validate ones emotional experience, they would have ended up being pushed out of one’s awareness. So one’s mind may have moved on from what took place, but their body remembers everything and until these trapped feelings and emotions are released, it will continue to respond to life based on what happened many years ago. Awareness The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be necessary for one to let go of what has remained trapped in their body. One will need to feel safe and that they are not going to be judged for anything they reveal. There needs to be complete openness in order for one to really let go. If one feels judged or that some things are not acceptable, then they will hold on and this could sabotage the process. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Physically men and women are very different; with a woman being an example of the feminine and a man being an example the masculine. But while this much is true, on the inside they are both made of masculine and feminine traits. And for a long time, men generally behaved in ways that were masculine and women behaved in ways that were feminine. However, as time has passed, women have become more masculine and men have become more feminine in some cases. As men oppressed women for so many years, this is not much of a surprise. And this can be seen as a natural reaction to being dominated for so long. Men are then facing the consequences of what their ancestors did and after having a sense of supremacy for so long, are getting a taste of their own medicine so to speak. But whether this outlook sits well with someone or not, it doesn’t take much effort to see that the old roles have changed in a lot of cases and this change needed to take place. However, when change does take place, things often get worse before they get better. So it has all gone from one extreme to the other. And the next stage is surely for men and women to embrace both sides of their nature. Preference It is often said that people are more masculine or feminine in nature and while this could be true, it doesn’t mean that rejecting the other side is normal. Both men and women might prefer to be more masculine or feminine for instance and with this being how they define themselves. And just like how some people prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate, this is to be expected. But when someone has completely rejected their masculine or feminine side, then something is not right. Normal Through people rejecting one side and becoming firmly rooted in the other, it can then seem normal for people to only have one side to their nature. In the past this could be put down to their gender and as men and woman’s behaviour has changed so much, this no longer fits. Something else is at work and this is going to be due to a combination of factors, such as: childhood development, friends and society. Each of these will play an important role in whether one embraces or rejects each side. Meanings And each of these sides has different benefits to one’s life and this means that one side is no better than the other; they both have their uses and are meant to complement each other. Competition can only arise when there is lack of harmony between the two: in their natural state they will be in harmony. The masculine is going to relate to ones assertive nature; their ability to take action and to stand up for themselves. Saying no, giving and having boundaries are also a part of this. Having the courage to go after one’s dreams and to speak their truth is another expression. These are just some examples and there are many others. On the other hand, the feminine refers to ones vulnerable side and this also relates to emotions and to being passive and going with the flow of life. Here, one in simply ‘being’ and not ‘doing’ and they are receiving, as opposed to giving. Having a lack of boundaries and saying yes is also part of the feminine. And there are numerous other aspects to the feminine. The Rejection To always reject the other side is going to create problems in ones life and create an imbalance. And of this has become an identity, it could be a challenge to accept that one has both sides within them. This doesn’t mean that one is weak for having them or that one side one is better than the other; they are both as important as each other. And a big reason as to why one would reject one side is because this is what feels safe. Now, one might not consciously realise this, but at a deeper level, it is likely to be the case. Consequences And when one is not comfortable with their masculine or feminine side, their outer reality is going to reflect it back to them. This is going to be through people and situations that make them feel uncomfortable, irritated and even cause extreme fear. One might find that there are certain things that annoy them or make them feel uneasy and this could be around the people from the same gender or the opposite one. Whenever one is around people who are assertive or angry, they could feel a bit tense and feel the need to protect themselves or to get away. Or one could be around people who are overly emotional or passive and end up feeling angry or the need to tell them to pull themselves together. And while these may appear to be nothing more than external problems, if one was to take a closer look they would see that they are being reminded of what they have rejected within them. Causes So the society one is brought up in will play a big role, as will the kind of people that one spends their time with. And what is often the biggest factor in whether one embraces or rejects a certain trait within them will be what took place during their childhood. What they were allowed to express then becomes what they identify with; this could primarily be through encouragement or through the use of fear. People often mimic what their same sex parent was life, so if a man had a mother who was masculine and father that was more feminine, then he could become more feminine in nature. Or if a man had a father who was more masculine and a mother who was more feminine, he could mimic his father. And if a woman had a mother who was more feminine and a father who was more masculine, then she could turn out like her mother. Just as a woman could have a mother who was more masculine and turn out just like her. The only way one could survive in the family system was to go along with the role that they were given. Awareness These are just examples of what can cause one to be as they are; they are not the absolute truth. If one doesn’t feel safe when it comes to standing up for themselves or in expressing their emotions, no matter what their gender is, then they might be due to an emotional build up within them. And so they might need to seek the assistance of therapist or a healer to release these trapped emotions. Or changing ones behaviour may be enough; what one needs to do can all depend on how much of a challenge this is.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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