To have needs is part of being human and this means that it is not something to be ashamed of. Yet, just because this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with their needs, and this can cause them to come across as being needless.
They then act as if they don’t have needs and this is going to mean that they are going against their true nature. The ideal will be for one to feel comfortable with their needs and this will allow them to get them met.
If the options above don’t apply to someone, then there is the chance that they will come across as being needy. One then doesn’t hide their needs, but it won’t matter how much they receive, as it won’t be enough.
It would be easy to say that some people are needless and others are needy, but this is not the case. One may come across as being one may, but it doesn’t mean they won’t swing to the other side of the spectrum from time to time.
Just because someone acts a certain way in one environment, it doesn’t mean they will act in the same way in another. How they feel is also going to have an impact on how they behave. So it would be an oversight to say that someone is always the same, no matter how much they have identified with certain type of behaviour.
If one is with someone they feel comfortable with, they may come across as being needy. But if they were with someone who they didn’t feel comfortable with, they may come across as being needless.
Their need for approval could cause them to be focused on the others needs and to come across as being needless. Yet it could also depend on how well they know the other person and in what stage of the relationship they are in.
It doesn’t matter whether someone is a man or a woman, as this is not something that only applies to one gender. How someone looks also has no bearing on whether they are needy or not. One could be classed as ‘attractive’ or they might not, but that is irrelevant.
When someone looks a certain way, it is as easy to assume that they have it all together. But just because someone looks good, it doesn’t mean they have it all together, far from it. While they may look a certain way, it doesn’t make them immune to the challenges of life or mean that they had a healthy childhood.
When some women meet a guy, they are going to come on strong and although they could say that this is because they like them, this might not be the complete truth. It might not matter whether the guy comes across as distant or not, as it might not have an effect on their behaviour. If they are with the guy, they might settle down or they could still act in the same way.
So if a woman acts in this way, she could also be described as being clingy. The man may enjoy the attention in the beginning as it will give him a sense of control and enable him to get his needs met, but as time passes, it could be too much.
He then ends up pulling away and as this takes place, it could cause the women to push even further. Her intention is to bring the man closer, but her behaviour has the opposite effect. However, this could all take place without the woman realising what part she is playing in what is happening (and what may have happened many times before).
In the past, this may have meant that a woman turned up at the man’s house or where he worked without being asked, but this is no longer necessary. Instead, a woman can call, use social media or some kind of app in order to maintain contact, and this means that she doesn’t need to be in his presence to make him feel overwhelmed.
What this can show is that the woman doesn’t believe the man will stick around and her behaviour is then a way for her to stop the man from leaving her. And because of how she feels on the inside, there is the need for constant reassurance.
Yet, although a woman feels a certain way, it doesn’t mean that her reality matches up with how she feels. This means that the man may be distant, but it could also mean that she is unable to realise the man is not going anywhere and ends up projecting how she feels onto him. It is then a self-fulfilling prophecy and she ends up sabotaging her interactions and relationships with men.
If they didn’t feel as they did on the inside, they wouldn’t behave in the same way; their behaviour is then a way for them to regulate how they feel. On the inside is likely to be the fear of being abandoned.
It is said that one can’t be abandoned as an adult and that this is something that can only take place as a child. So if one fears being abandoned as an adult, it shows that they are carrying childhood pain.
Just because one looks like an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like one. Physically one will usually grow with age, but their emotionally body doesn’t work it the same way. This means that one can end up being emotionally stuck at a certain age.
During her younger years, she may have been brought up by a caregiver that was emotionally and/or physically unavailable. Feeling abandoned was then part of her childhood and until this pain has been dealt with, she will continue to do everything she can to avoid having to face how she felt as a child.
To be abandoned during these years would have felt like death and this is because one wouldn’t have had the ability to regulate how they were feeling or to detach from the experience. And as one was left, there can also be the fear of being smothered.
Being clingy can then push people away and create distance, but the distance that is created could be familiar and therefore what feels safe at a deeper level. If one was to attract someone who was available, it could feel uncomfortable. So although this dynamic creates pain, it is what one is drawn to because of what happened during their childhood.
If a woman wants to put an end to this and to experience life differently, it is going to be important for her to grieve her unmet childhood needs. As the pain of her past is processed, she will feel different and this means that she will be attracted to different men.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper
Aristotle once said that human beings are social animals and although this was said many, many years ago, it may as well have been said yesterday. Some of the environments that humans live in are different to how they were in the past, but this hasn’t changed the fact that humans need each other.
They don’t just need each other in order to survive; they also need each other in order to thrive. It is then not just a matter of survival; it is also about their ability to function at their best.
If one has always been around others, they might not realise how much they need them. This is because they have always been there and one doesn’t know any different. However, if one was to spend time by themselves and to live in complete isolation, they would soon realise how much they needs others.
It would be the same if one was to stop eating for a short time, they would soon start to feel hungry. And if they allowed time to continue to pass without eating, it wouldn’t be long until they were malnourished.
What this comes down to is that human beings are interdependent, and while some people may try to live without others, their life is going to be greatly diminished. There are going to be times when people want to be by themselves, but this is not the same as if they were to spend the majority of their life by themselves.
One’s sense of self for instance, is similar to a plant in that it needs the right nutrients in order to exist. If one was to pour oil onto a plant, it would soon die off; just as if one started to spend their time by themselves or around people who invalidated them, their sense of self would start to erode.
There are certain films where the characters are independent of their environment and one of those is superman. He is not governed by the same laws that human beings are and yet when he is around kryptonite, he starts to lose himself.
Human beings on the other hand will begin to lose themselves if they are around the wrong people or if they were to spend too much time by themselves. And like a seed that needs the right conditions in order to grow, one’s sense of self also needs the right conditions.
If one had to be around someone in order to feel good, they would be labelled as being dependent but if they didn’t reach out to others when they felt bad, they would be labelled as being counter dependent. Ideally, one will reach out to others when they can’t regulate themselves.
Yet, just because one has the ability to regulate themselves, it doesn’t mean they won’t need others. And this is because one’s nervous system will be regulated through being around others. Through being in the presence of others, one can end up feeling better.
The Monkey Mind
So if one spends too much time by themselves, it is then not going to be much of a surprise if they start to feel down or depressed. As one’s nervous system can be regulated through being around others, it is not only going to have a positive impact on how they feel, it is also going to affect how they think.
When one is around others, it is generally going to mean that their attention is divided between what is taking peace within them and what is taking place without. But if one is by themselves, their mind can come up with all kinds of things and it is going to be a lot harder for one to take a step back, and to see what reflects reality and what doesn’t.
Being around others is vital but it is not a case of anyone will do; as one could be around the wrong people and end suffering, just as they would if they spent too much time by themselves. So as there are so many benefits to being around others, it can be hard to understand why someone would isolate themselves from others.
However, as humans are hard-wired to be around others, when they avoid others it is going to be a clear sign that something is not right. One is experiencing inner conflict and this is stopping them from reaching out to others.
One thing that can cause one to isolate themselves from others is toxic shame. When one is carrying toxic shame within them, they are going to feel the need to hide. For if they were to be seen, it could cause others to realise how worthless they are and to therefore abandon them.
As one feels this way, they are going to be out of touch with their need to connect and focused on doing everything they can to protect themselves from others. They are going to feel as though they are less-than others and that there is something inherently wrong with them.
Although this might be normal for them and how they have experienced life for quite some time, they weren’t born this way. There would have been a time in their life where they experienced some kind of abuse and while this could have been during their adulthood, it is likely to be what happened during their childhood that had the biggest effect on them.
During these early years, one could have experienced some kind of abuse and this could have been: verbal, physical, emotional and/or sexual. This then left them with the outlook that they don’t belong in the world and as they are so flawed, they had better hide in order to avoid further humiliation.
In the beginning, one would have felt as though there was something wrong with them and as time passed, it would have become their identity. It was then no longer a feeling or a belief; it permeated their whole being.
This means that on one hand, one will need to face and release the emotional pain that they have carried for all these years, and on the other, they will need to be affirmed by others. If one was only affirmed, it might not go in and that’s because of how they feel, but as these feelings are dealt with, it will be easier for one to see that there is nothing wrong with them. One can be assisted here with the support of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper
While men and women are both human, they are often portrayed as being radically different. It is clear that they are different on the outside, but what is not as clear is that there are differences when it comes to their brain structure.
One outlook is that these differences are due to genetics, and there is another view that says these differences are the result of socialisation. This means that men and women are not that different, what have made us different are the environments we have lived in.
However, regardless of whether it is nature or nurture or a bit of both, there are generally differences. For instance, women are often seen as the ones who want to settle down and have a relationship and men are not.
The Modern Day
But although this has been the case for so long, as times have changed and gender roles are no longer as defined, it is not always this black and white. In the past, men were seen as the bread winners and the women were the ones who stayed at home; yet in today’s world, it can be the other way round.
There is less pressure for men and women to act in a certain way and it is now a lot easier for them to be who they want to be. This doesn’t apply to every part of the world of course, but it is something that is taking place in the west.
As men and women contain both the masculine and the feminine within them, this is one example of how people are embracing their true self. A woman no longer needs to act ‘like a woman’ and a man no longer needs to ‘act like a man’.
It would be inaccurate to say that men and woman have always acted a certain way, as there have always been differences. Yet in the past, there was more pressure and this pressure is gradually disappearing.
However, even though the labels that each gender are given don’t always reflect reality, it doesn’t mean that they will no longer be used. Through labelling one gender as being a certain way, it stops people from having to think and from taking responsibility for what is taking place in their life.
For example, if one’s experience with the opposite sex is always the same, it might be normal for them to take this as evidence that they are all the same. Another approach would be for them to look at what is taking place within them and to see what part they are playing. This is because one is not simply an observer of their reality; they are the co-creators of it.
Women are often seen as emotional creatures and men are often seen as having a more logical approach. This can create the impression that women are unable to be logical and that men don’t have the ability to relate on an emotional level.
Based on this, women have emotional needs and men don’t; what they do have is physical needs. It is then normal for women to want a relationship and for men to just want sex.
If a woman comes into contact with a man who is only interested in fulfilling his physical needs, it can be seen as normal. It is then black and white, and that’s all there is to it. This could be something she has always experienced and each experience could validate the outlook that she has.
Maintaining the outlook that all men are the same is not going to allow one to attract men who are different. And while some men may act as though they only have physical needs, it doesn’t mean all men are the same.
There are going to be men out there who are in touch with their emotional needs and some who are not. If they are not in touch with their emotional needs, it is going to be a challenge for them to be intimate with a woman.
Instead, one could end up having sex as a way to experience intimacy. Their heart is not going to be open, but it gives them an instant experience of feeling connected to another. The illusion of intimacy can then be created but one is likely to feel empty shortly after.
Just because someone needs something, it doesn’t mean that they feel safe having it. On one side, one could have the need to experience intimacy and on the other, one could fear intimacy.
They might find that when they start to get close to another it is overwhelming or one might not even get this far. In the beginning it might be fine, but once things start to pick up, they might feel the need to pull away.
What’s going on?
So as one has the need to experience intimacy but also fears it, it could be heard for them to understand what is going on. Yet, if one was to take look at how they mothers treated them during their childhood, they might soon realise why they feel as they do.
This could have been a time where one was used by their mothers to take care of their needs and this would have caused one’s needs to be overlooked. On one hand, their mother may have been self-absorbed and on the other, they may have been smothering.
Out of Touch
So when one did receive attention, it would have been for their mothers benefit and not their own. And as their mother was out of touch with their needs, one would have felt smothered and trapped by her attention. When this wasn’t the case, they may have been emotionally and/or physically abandoned.
Their mother wouldn’t have been able to see them as being separate; instead, one would have been seen as extension of their mother and there to meet her needs. This is also likely to have been a time where there was too much energy being directed towards them by their mother (and sometimes the wrong type of energy), and this may have been due to the fact that their mother was single or emotionally disconnected from one’s father or the man that she was with.
This can then set a man up to fear being smothered on one side and to fear being abandoned on the other. The fear of abandoned can then cause them to come on strong, but the fear of being smothered can then cause them to pull away soon after.
While one is no longer a child, the emotional experiences of the past will have remained trapped in their body. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group can allow one to face and release these emotional experiences.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper
In some shape or form, music has been around for thousands of years and while there are styles around today that weren’t around in the past, it still has the same effect. When it comes to making music today, electrical equipment is often used and this has allowed people to create sounds that didn’t exist before.
This is the case when it comes to the mainstream music, but the there are still many styles that don’t rely on modern-day technology. There are also styles that merge new technology with technology that has been around for a while.
There is something out there for everyone, no matter what style of music they enjoy listening to or whether they like a number of styles. If one likes a number of styles, their mood could also define what they listen to.
The fact that there are many different styles matches up with what could be described as the age of choice. No matter what one desires in life, there is likely to be more than one choice available.
And while more choice is often seen as better than having less choice, one can be better off with less choice. However, this can all depend on what it relates to; as there are going to be certain areas of life where this is a good thing and where it is neither good nor bad.
One could be offered a number of choices and because there are so many, they could end up finding it hard to make a decision. This could cause one to do nothing or if they do something, it could take them a lot longer to make a decision.
More choice can then lead to inaction and even cause one to feel overwhelmed. But when it comes to music, one is likely to listen to something and then decide if it is right for them or not. And if it doesn’t hit the spot straight away, it might take a short while.
When one wakes up in the morning, they might want to listen to a certain style and then when the evening arrives, it could be another style. Yet, this could also depend on how one feels when they wake up and what they have to do once they have woken up.
If one wants to relax in the evening, they are unlikely to listen to the same kind of music that they would listen to if they were going to have a workout or even a night out. One can then change their mood through listening to music or find something that matches up with how they feel.
The music one listens to can give them the support they need to move through a challenging day or a challenging period in their life. And although they are unlikely to be listening to something that was made for them, it can validate their experience.
It then doesn’t matter whether one knows the story behind the song or why it was written, as it is just what they need to hear at this time in their life. One doesn’t need to be going through a challenging period in order to be validated though, as they could be falling in love or have just achieved something significant.
There is how one feels before they listen to song, how they feel as they are listening to the song and how they feel after a song has finished. Based on this, one could come to the conclusion that if they feel different after a song, it is because of the music.
However, while one is going to be effected by what they listen to, it could also be triggering what is already within them. Music is then not just a catalyst, it is also a trigger.
One could listen to a song and end up feeling sad, down or even depressed. Now, if one was to listen to a song that was about a break-up or some kind of loss, it is only natural for one to feel effected by it. This would simply show that they have empathy and are in touch with themselves.
After a while, this feeling may soon pass and one should soon feel as they did before. But, this might not happen and one could end up feeling down for quite some time or they could listen to the song, feel down and then feel fine shortly after.
In both of these cases, it could be a sign that one is carrying trapped grief in their body. What they have listened to has then reminded one of what they need to look at and then process.
If one hasn’t experienced any kind of loss for a while, they might wonder how this is possible. Their mind might not understand what this pain relates to and yet their body is carrying the pain.
The mind forgets, but the body remembers and this could be grief that one has carried for many, many years. It could relate to a loss in their adulthood and/or it could relate to what happened to them during their childhood.
Music can then be seen as a valuable tool when it comes to gaining a better understanding of oneself. This grief can be faced and released with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
Oliver J R Cooper
Long before the internet was available; people could watch TV, listen to the radio or read a paper in order to find out what was taking place around them. As a result of this, people were able to find out about things that they wouldn’t have known about before these options were available.
One would have felt more connected to the world, as opposed to feeling isolated and cut off. But while one’s experience of life was changed through this, it also caused them to experience reality in a way that they wouldn’t have experienced it before.
Taking a Back Seat
On one side, one is being informed about the world and this has the chance to increase their awareness. But on the other, one is hearing about the world through another source and not through their own eyes.
This is not to say that others can’t be trusted and that one should always be suspicious. What it comes down to is the fact that one is not always going to find out about what is happening, they are going to be times when one finds out about what others what them to hear.
Two people can be in the same place and have the same experience, but it doesn’t mean their inner experience is the same. And this is because there is what happens and then there is how one interprets what happens.
So while one could expose themselves to the media and come to believe something about the world, it might have nothing to do with the world. It could simply be a reflection of what the media want people to focus on, or it could true based on how the event has been interpreted.
Lost In Translation
Through how the news is presented, it is easy to come to the conclusion that one is simply being informed. The news is then like a picture that one might take of a certain area and this means that is purely a snapshot of what is happening.
However, when it comes to what is taking place in the world; it is rarely going to be a snapshot. What it is often going to be like is when one translates something into another language and then back and then back again, and ends up with something that is completely different to the original.
So although one can feel as though they are more in touch with reality, this could be nothing more than an illusion. This is similar to how one could no longer go outside and yet through watching programs on nature, come to believe they are completely in touch with nature.
One is disconnected, but they have come to believe that they are connected. Yet, unless one starts to do cut down on their exposure to the mainstream media (and finds other sources), thinks for themselves and goes out into the world, they’re going to continue to be disconnected from the ‘real world’.
A New Source
As time has passed, one can not only end up being disconnected from what is happening in the world, they can also end up being disconnected from what is happening to their ‘friends’ and family. Social media has allowed people to be the reporters of their own lives, and this has given them the opportunity to reveal certain parts of their life and to hide others.
One can then go onto their social media account and believe they are finding out about the people who are their ‘friends’ and family, but this could be far from the truth. Instead, one might just be finding out about what these people want them to find out about.
There is then what the media presents and how people present themselves. When it comes to the media, the intention could be to make people see life in a certain way, focus on one thing as opposed to something else or to make them behave in a certain way.
How people present themselves could be to influence others in the same way as the media does, but it is often going to be so that they look good. One’s intention is then not to manipulate others in the same way the media does, it is to create a certain image.
There is who one is in person and then there is who they are on a screen, and just because one is behind a screen, it doesn’t mean they are unaffected by what takes place. In public, one is going to experience certain social pressures and these pressures can also be experienced on social media.
And as one can want to look their best in public, it is only natural that they are going to want to look their best on a screen. This is not to say that everyone is creating a false impression; what it means is that how someone comes across is not always going to reflect reality.
Not only can one find out about what others are doing on social media, they can also find out about what is happening in the world. One no longer needs to think about life or to find out about what is happening– it has already been done for them.
However, when it comes to social media, one is not simply observing what shows up. What shows up on their screen is going to be influenced by what they have clicked on.
Mirroring the Mind
It has been said that people don’t simply see things; they see what they expect to see. And unless one expects to see something (and this relates to expectations that they are not aware of), they won’t see it.
Social media has then mimicked how the human brain works and this is because a lot of what one sees corresponds with what they have clicked on or ‘liked’, for instance. And as Social media influences how one views reality, it is also going to affect how they feel.
The first thing that one can do is to step back and to realise that what they see on Social Media doesn’t always reflect reality. To see how what they see on a screen is often appearing because of what they have clicked on in the past.
And while one might think they know another person through what they share, it might not reflect what their life is like beyond the screen. With this is mind, one can see social media differently and not as something that defines their view of reality.
Oliver J R Cooper
If one was to go for a walk in nature, they would soon see that everything relies on something else in order to survive. One is not going to come across anything that is independent of its environment; what they will see is interdependence.
When it comes to a tree for example, it could be said that it is independent. This is because it stands by itself and it is not connected to other trees. Yet, if the tree was not rooted into the ground, it wouldn’t last for very long and it would soon fall down.
So one could look at the tree from a distance and come to the conclusion that it doesn’t need anything else in order to survive, but upon closer inspection, they would soon realise that this is nothing more than an illusion. The tree has no choice other than to accept the fact that it depends on this environment - there is no alternative.
However, while a tree can accept this, the same can’t always be said for human beings. This means that they can go against their true nature and try to live as if they are completely independent; one is then their own island and they don’t need anyone else.
If one has this outlook, it is likely to mean that they would rather struggle and even suffer, than to ask for help. Reaching out to others is then not a normal part of life; it is something they must avoid.
A Different Reality
This is going to be what is normal for some people and perhaps it is how their life has always been. It is then not so much that one has made a conscious decision to go against their own nature, as it is that one has been conditioned to live this way.
There are then going to be others who are able to reach out to others and to rely on them. In their reality, this could be what is normal and how their life has always been. And as they feel comfortable embracing the fact that they need others, their life is likely to be a lot easier.
This doesn’t mean that one doesn’t do anything for themselves, it means that one reaches out when they can’t do something for themselves. One is coming from a place of empowerment and not disempowerment.
If one didn’t do anything by themselves and then relied on others, this would be a sign that one is no longer interdependent, they are dependent. On one side can be someone who tries to do everything by themselves and on the other can be someone who doesn’t do anything by themselves.
During the beginning of one’s life, there would have been a time where they were dependent and a time where they were the opposite (also known as counter dependent). These are normal stages, and providing one receives the right care, they will grow out of them.
When one is in the dependent stage, they will need to receive the right attunement, and when they are in the opposite stage, they will need to be able to break away and then to come back (and this will be a scenario that plays out for a while). After this, it is said that one will move into independence and then into interdependence.
A Different Perspective
It would be easy to say that someone who is dependent needs to ‘grow up and to stand on their own two feet. Just as it would be easy to say that people who try to do everything by themselves should stop being so stubborn and ask for help.
Yet, if one is dependent on others, it is likely to be a sign that they still feel like a child at an emotional level. It is then not possible for them to act like an adult, because they don’t feel like one. And if one tries to do everything by themselves, reaching out to others is unlikely to be something that feels safe.
What this all comes down to is that human beings have needs and while one can fulfil some of those needs by themselves, they can’t fulfil all of them. And how one’s caregivers responded to one’s needs is going to have a big on impact on how one responds to their own needs.
If their caregivers ignored their needs, there is the chance that one will ignore their own needs. It can also make one believe that they have to take care of their own needs and that it is not possible for others to meet them.
During these years, reaching out might have caused one to be harmed, rejected, abandoned and/or shamed. These early years then conditioned one to go against their true nature and set them up to see their needs as being bad.
So when someone comes across as though they don’t need anyone, it is likely to mean that they are protecting themselves from having to face how they felt during their early years. And due to what happened one could be carrying a lot of pain in their body.
Unless this pain is dealt with, one will attract others who reflect their past or they will project their past onto others, or both. It is going to be important for one to change their outlook when it comes to their needs and to gradually develop their ability to trust others.
There will be the emotional pain that needs to be released and one will need to receive the positive regard that they didn’t receive as a child. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
Oliver J R Cooper
If someone was asked what comes to mind when they think about social media, they might say ‘Selfies’. These are rarely pictures that people just take and then share; they are pictures that are usually altered so that they look right and after this has taken place, they are shared with their ‘friends’.
The point of focus is not on simply taking pictures; it is for one to ‘look right’. It then doesn’t matter how they feel or whether the image reflects their current experience, what matters is that one creates the right impression.
Eating a Meal
Another way of looking at this would be to imagine that one is eating a meal and this is not something they enjoy eating, it is something that they don’t like. The normal response would be for one to show how much they don’t like it through their facial expression and then to stop eating it.
If, on the other hand, one continued to eat it and pretended that they were enjoying it, they would be going against themselves. This would show that one is more concerned about gaining others approval then they are with eating something they enjoy.
Point Of Focus
It could be said that when one is not going against themselves when they take a selfie and that when they eat something they don’t enjoy, they are. However, it is not so much about one going against themselves as it is about one ignoring what is taking place within them.
Being approved of by others is then one’s highest priority, and this means that their needs will be secondary. It could be said one is taking care of their needs by being approved of by others and it will take care of certain needs, but it is also going to mean that one has to ignore certain needs.
The feedback that one receives is the result of them fulfilling certain conditions and unless one fulfils these conditions, the positive feedback will soon come to an end. One is then receiving approval for the image that they present to the world and the person behind the image is then nowhere to be seen.
One is then receiving approval and this will enable them to feel good but at the same time, it is not for who they are, it is for what they do. This means that one is not just being objectified by others, they are objectifying themselves.
One’s feelings are then put to one side and the only thing that matters is how one comes across to others. As one is likely to be disconnected from how they feel, they might not realise that there is another way to live.
And that one doesn’t need to constantly seek approval from others and to be who others want them to be. That it is possible for one to feel good without the approval of everyone they meet and how one’s worth is not defined by others.
While Selfies are one example of how one’s image is seen as the most important part of them, there are many others. What it comes down to is that one’s looks good in the eyes of others. So there is how one looks physically, but then there are also other standards that are set.
This could mean that one believes they have to: wear the ‘right’ clothes, have been to the ‘right’ countries, drive the ‘right’ car, have the ‘right’ education, know the ‘right’ people, believe the ‘right’ things and even support the ‘right’ charities. The list goes on and these are just a few examples.
It would be easy to say that social media has caused people to be obsessed with their image, but this would be wide of the mark. This is something that existed before social media was even invented.
What this shows is that there are other factors involved and one of those factors is the kind of childhood that one had. When one is caught up in how they look in the eyes of others, it shows their sense of self is not fully developed.
Sense of Self
In fact, it could mean that one doesn’t have a self of self and this is why they are obsessed with their image. Just because one looks like an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like an adult. When one is born, they see themselves as an extension of their caregiver (and everything else for that matter) and this is because their sense of self has not been developed yet.
So providing they receive the right care, they will start to develop a sense of self and to separate from their caregiver. Yet, this doesn’t always take place and this can stop one from developing a sense of self and emotionally separating from their caregiver.
Instead of one having their needs met and their feelings validated by their caregivers, one can end up having to put their caregiver’s needs first and having their feelings ignored. And their caregivers may have also been disconnected from their true self and been focused on looking right.
At this stage of one’s life, receiving their caregiver’s approval would have been a matter of life or death. When one doesn’t get their needs met and has to fulfil their caregivers needs, their true self is going to remain undeveloped.
Playing a Role
The person they think they are is then a role that they had to play in order for them to survive. And as this is likely to have been a time where it didn’t matter what their needs were or how one felt, doing what they can to please others is going to be normal.
As one’s caregivers ignored their true self, one can end up doing the same thing. The approval that one looked towards their caregivers for as a child is what they now look towards other people for as an adult.
Beyond the need to look good all the time is likely to be the feeling that one is not good enough and that they would be abandoned if others found out who they really are. This is the result of one being brought up in an environment where they were not supported for who they were; the only way they could survive was to be who others wanted them to be.
They are then carrying toxic shame and until this has been dealt with, one will continue to hide their true self. One will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and it will be important for them to be affirmed for who they are.
Through this process, one will gradually develop their sense of self and no longer need to look perfect in the eyes of others. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
Oliver J R Cooper
There are going to be moments when one looks back and remembers someone who treated them well and then there are going to be moments when this isn’t the case. This could mean that one looks back and ends up feeling angry and this may not only relate to one person, it could relate to a number of people.
It might not matter if what is making them angry happened a few months ago or even a few years ago, as one can feel as though it is happening now. And while one may be going over the experience now, this could be something that happens on a regular basis.
A Regular Occurrence
Time has passed and yet, one doesn’t feel any different. And like a dog with a bone, one is unable to let go of how they felt as a result of what has happened to them. This could be an emotional experience that comes up every now and then or it could have taken over one’s life.
However, even if one’s attention is not completely consumed by what happened, it doesn’t mean that it is not having an effect on their life. The fact that one does get caught up in what happened could be enough for them to stay stuck on in the past.
Yet even though the past is having a negative impact on their life, it doesn’t mean that one is able to move on from what happened. In their mind, letting go could mean that one is letting the other person off and that what they did was acceptable.
Based on this out outlook, letting go is not an option - it is something that must be avoided. While one doesn’t feel good through holding onto what happened, letting go is not something that sounds any better.
If one was to step back from what is taking place within them, they could end up feeling trapped. But at the same time, this can depend on how attached one is to what is happening within them. If one is completely consumed with anger and resentment, it might not be possible for them to see how the past is controlling them.
Although one may feel a sense of control though holding on to what happened, they have actually lost control. What happened would have caused one to experience pain and through holding on, they are allowing this pain to continue.
One of the things that can cause a garden to be out of shape is when weeds grow. Now, in order for one to remove the weeds, they would need to dig them up or to use weed killer (if this is possible). What one would not do if they wanted to remove them, is to water them or add some kind of fertilizer.
It won’t matter if one is a gardener or not, as this is going to be relatively obvious. Yet, when it comes to holding onto past hurts, the same level of understanding is often absent.
One could have a chocolate and then put the rest away, and this could be something that takes place once a week or even month. If one was to eat one and then carry on until the whole box is finished, they could begin to adjust to the higher intake and this could cause them to crave more.
And how one feels when they hold onto a grudge can follow the same route. In the beginning, one might have felt angry and resentful, and this may have been a new experience for them. But the more they felt this way, the more they adjusted to feeling this way and it then become an emotional experience that their body and mind needed to experience.
A Familiar Experience
As time passes, this becomes an emotional experience that is familiar and this means that it feels safe. It then won’t matter how destructive it is, as it is going to feel comfortable.
So if one was to stop feeling the same way, they may start to experience withdrawal symptoms. What this shows is that their mind and body have adjusted to something that is unhealthy.
However, when one is caught up in how they feel, it is not going to be possible for them to step back and to see how their life is being affected. Through being aware of how one feels, it will give them the opportunity to see what is happening.
Holding onto what happened is not harming anyone else; the only person it is harming is oneself. So not only were they affected by what happened, they are continuing to hurt themselves due to what someone else has done.
On The Inside
It is clear that this is an inner experience, but what is not always as clear is the damage that can be done. When one feels resentful, they can feel as though they are getting back at the other person.
But how they feel towards another person is taking place in their body and mind, and this is where the damage is being done. This is why it is important for one to be emotionally aware, or they are not going to realise this. What they might become aware of down the line are the health problems that can arise through holding onto the past.
Anger and resentment are going to be feelings that one is used to experiencing when it comes to holding a grudge, but these are likely to be a cover up for how they feel underneath. So it will be important for them to process how they feel at a deeper level.
This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Another approach that is often recommended is for one to write a letter to the other person about how they feel and then to burn it.
Oliver J R Cooper
There are many things that people want in today’s world, and one of those things is to be happy. But although this is what people want, it is not always that they receive. Someone can feel as though it is impossible for them to fulfil this need and that they would have more chance finding the end of a rainbow.
However, when one is happy, it doesn’t mean that they are doing something that fulfils them. It could simply mean that they are drinking alcohol, or that they have taken drugs. One then feels happy due to what they have consumed, and when this experience comes to an end, they could soon feel unhappy.
This would be a sign that their life is not fulfilling and that one feels completely disconnected from what matters. One could feel as though life has no meaning and that they need to take things in order to feel happy.
There are then going to be other people who are happy and this will be because of the kind of life they are living. This doesn’t mean that they constantly feel happy and always have a smile on their face, it means that they are connected to what matters.
Through being connected, one is then able to live a life based on what matters to them. Their life is then a reflection of their needs, and as one is living their ‘truth’, it is possible for them to feel happy.
Out of Touch
Yet, if one was not in touch with their needs, their life would be completely different. They could end up believing that life has no meaning and the only way for them to feel happy is to find things that will stimulate their senses.
When they see other people who are happy, they could come to believe that they have something that they don’t. One could end up feeling like a victim or that they are unlucky. And if one has never been in touch with their needs, this could be seen as normal response.
When one is in touch with their needs and what is taking place externally reflects their needs, they are going to feel happy. This means that one is not simply looking for the outside world to make them feel happy; they are playing their part through being in touch with their inner world.
If one wasn’t aware of what was going on within them, they are then likely to look outside for meaning and fulfilment. But unless one is aware of what will make them happy, it might not matter where they or what they do.
One thing the Media likes to do is to make people believe they will be happy if they buy a certain product. And while this product may make one feel happy for a short time, it will soon wear off.
Although another person can ask questions and be an example, it is not possible for them to know what one’s needs are. The only person who can find this out is oneself.
So if one is disconnected from themselves, it is only natural for them to look outside for answers. It could be that they have never been around anyone who has encouraged them to look within.
One could come across someone who is happy and believe that if they did the same thing, they would also be happy. But just because someone else is happy doing something, it doesn’t mean that one will be happy doing the same thing.
People are conditioned to want certain things and while this is good for the economy (and the people who are creating the products); this might be as far as it goes. The underlying message is that if one buys what is being sold, they will end up feeling happy.
However, this conditioning might be nothing more than a continuation of what they experienced whilst they were growing up. And due to what happened during the beginning of their life, it then set them up to fall for the illusions that society creates.
There are going to be some people who are have always been in touch with their needs and others who have developed this connection later in life. Then there are going to be others who have never been in touch with their needs.
When one is in touch with their needs, it could be due to how they caregivers responded to their needs. If, on the other hand, one is out of touch with their needs, it could mean that one’s caregivers ignored their needs.
It is also going to be important for one to be in their body, and this will enable them to tune into their needs and feelings. And while one’s needs and feelings could be seen as separate, they are interconnected.
For it is one’s feelings that will let them know if they are doing the right thing and therefore, if their needs are being met. So if one doesn’t know what their needs are, they might have trouble knowing how they feel.
This could mean that needs to deal with the emotional pain that is stopping them from being in their body and as this takes place, one will start to connect to their needs. One might also need to take the time to focus on what matters to them and to step back from their conditioned.
The assistance of a therapist or a healer can allow one to release the emotional pain within them and they can also provide attunement that one may need to be able connect to their needs.
Oliver J R Cooper
When one comes across someone who is successful, it can be easy for them to come to the conclusion that they have always been this way. And this is partly because one is not going to be aware of what they had to go through to get to where they are.
One could assume that this person has always experienced life in the same way or that the other person is ‘lucky’. This can then lead to the impression that this person and anyone else who is successful for that matter is different or ‘special’.
Yet while the mind can create all kinds of ideas, it doesn’t mean that these ideas reflect reality. What is taking place in one’s mind could match up with reality but at the same time, it might not.
If one was to drive or walk by a house, they would see that at one point in time, this house didn’t exist. Through looking closely, one will see that the house is made up of many different materials.
The foundations had to go in and then brick after brick would have been laid. Now, if one hadn’t seen this process take place and just saw the end product, they could believe that the house just appeared. In most cases though, an adult is going to realise that the house didn’t just appear and that it had to be built.
During those moments when one is building their own empire or developing a certain skill, and placing one brick on top of another so to speak, it is likely to take place without many people knowing. However, once they reach a certain point, this may soon change.
The kind of attention they receive can depend on what they are developing. If one was to make it as a sports star for instance, they would receive more attention than if one was to make it as a builder.
It would be easy to believe that a sports star is more important than a builder or someone else who is not glorified in the same way. The most important thing is that one works on what matters to them and what fulfils their own needs, and not on whether other people will approve of what they do.
This is not easy to do, especially if one has a strong need for approval and wants others to acknowledge them. To be seen and accepted is something that every human being desires at some level, but it is not going to be possible for one to be seen and accepted by everyone.
Some people are going to be successful in areas that won’t bring them wide range exposure and not many people will know about it. And then there will be others who end up on the front page of a magazine or on a stage, for example.
How valuable something is doesn’t depend on how many people are drawn to it, what matters is that one follows their own truth. And if they feel the need for everyone to see and accept them, then this could mean that they have some unmet childhood needs to grieve and that they need to be affirmed for who they are.
After seeing someone who is successful, one can wonder how they could ever achieve the same level of success in their own life and end feeling overwhelmed. Another part of them might wonder why they have to work for it and why they can’t have want they want straight away.
This would be the childlike part of them or their inner child, and this part of them is unable to delay gratification. At times, it will be important for one to have what they want but when it comes to success, delaying gratification will be vital.
If one is hungry for instance, they can go and buy something to eat, but if one wants to develop a skill, they can’t go and buy the skill. In order to develop this skill, one will need to take consistent action.
One is then engaging in a process, and if one continues with this process and doesn’t stop, they will gradually develop a skill or achieve a goal. This doesn’t mean that one has to spend ever minute of their day doing the same thing; what it means is that one finds the time each day to focus on what matters in their life.
No matter what someone is good at or what they have achieved in life, there would have been a time when their life was radically different. The actions that they took each day were a reflection of their commitment.
And like a seed that will grow as long as it is given the right nutrients, their daily actions allowed their dreams to become a reality. One not only had a vision, they also took the actions needed to that make their vision appear.
In the beginning, one might believe that their actions are not making a difference and this is when it will be important for one to focus on what matters. To keep in mind at all times that they are laying down the foundations and as they continue to take incremental action, they are putting one brick on top of another.
Oliver J R Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?