If someone was to talk to a number of people about what their relationships are like, they are likely to hear about a wide range of experiences. While some of these people could be in a relationship, there are bound to be others who are not.
So depending on what their current situation is, they could either ask them about how their relationship is going or they could ask them about what their past relationship was like. And once again; the feedback that they receive is likely to vary from person to person.
When it comes to the people who are in a relationship, they could hear that their relationship is going very well. They may have been with the other person for a matter of weeks, months, or even years.
For the person who is not currently with someone, they could say that there last relationship went well, but that they grew apart, for instance. Or they could say that they had to move someone else or that their former partner had to change their location for whatever reason.
Along with this, they may also hear some people say that their relationship is neither good nor bad. And once again, they could be in the early stages or they may have been with them for quiet some time.
There could be others who are currently single and they could end up saying the same thing. They might have had the odd moment where they enjoyed being with them, but it won’t be as if they were with their ‘soul mate’, so to speak.
During this time, they could also come cross people who are in a relationship that is not very fulfilling. And although they might not have been with them for very long, there is also the chance that they have been with them for while.
If someone was in this position before, they are likely to be only too happy to be single again. In this case, they might find it hard to remember a time where they enjoyed being with the other person.
The Next Step
When someone is in a fulfilling relationship, they might not feel the need to say anything bad about their current partner, and the same could be said for someone who used to be in a fulfilling relationship. If they do, it could be fairly light-hearted, or it could relate to them not wanting the relationship to end, for instance.
Whereas if they are in a relationship that is neither good nor bad, they could be a greater chance of them saying something bad. Then again, they could feel so disconnected from the other person that they don’t have anything bad to say about them, and the same could be said for someone who was in a relationship like this.
A Different Outcome
However, when it comes to the person who is in a relationship that is far from fulfilling, they could have plenty of bad things to say about their partner. And if they were with someone like this, it might not take long before they start to remember all the bad things that the other person used to do.
It could then be said that it will be important for them to take the steps that they need to take to change their relationship. And if one was in this position, they will need to make sure that they don’t end up in the same situation all over again.
In order for one to change what is taking place, they will need to take responsibility for the part that they are playing. If they were to simply blame the person they are with or the people they have been with, it is highly unlikely that their life will change.
Yet although this will be the ideal approach to take, it doesn’t mean that they will take this approach. Instead, one could say that the person that they are with is the problem, or that the people they were with were the problem.
The Opposite Gender
It could be normal for them to say that all men/women are the same and although this may allow them to feel better for a short while, it won’t allow them to change their life. The outlook that they have could also end up being supported by the friends and/or family, as well as by the society that they live in.
Along with this, they may also come across information online that validates what they believe, and this can then cause them to believe that they are right. Yet even though their reality may support what they believe, it doesn’t mean that it’s the truth.
It has been said that human beings see with their mind and not their eyes, and as a result of this, their reality is then a reflection of what is taking place within them. Therefore, if one believes that all men/or women are the same, that is what they will experience.
Their mind will stop them from seeing anything that goes against what they believe. So unless one is able to step back from what is taking place, they will continue to experience life in the same way, and all the time this takes place, they will continue to suffer unnecessarily.
When one realises this, they will see that the men/women that they attract into their life are simply a reflection of what is taking place within them, and this is then going to mean that they don’t represent every man/woman on the planet. They are likely to experience more pain than they usually would through looking at what is taking place within them, but this pain won’t last forever, and through letting go of what is within them, it will allow them to have a relationship that is fulfilling.
This can be a time where they will be looking into what they believe about the opposite sex and they may also have an emotional build-up to process. A lot of this ‘baggage’ could go back took what took place during their childhood years.
The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group may be needed here.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
If one was to look after a puppy for a week and for another week, they were to look after a dog that had been trained; they are likely to see how different dogs are at a young age. After the first week, they could end up feeling exhausted and as though they need a break.
Whereas once they have been through the second week, they could say that even though they used energy; they didn’t use as much as they did the week before. It could then be said that it was a lot easier for them to be around the dog that had been trained.
Out of Control
What this is likely to come down to is that the puppy would have been out of control and as a result of this; it would have needed more attention. It would then have been a lot harder for them to take their eye of the puppy and to sit back and relax.
For example, the puppy may have been jumping on furniture, as well as people, and it may also have been chewing things it shouldn’t have chewed. Along with this, it may have started to cry and/or yap if it was left for too long by itself.
A Different Experience
On the other hand, the dog that had been trained is likely to have been a lot calmer, and it may also have needed less attention. Thus, it would have been a lot easier for them to focus on other things and to have moments where they could sit back.
There would be less chance of the dog jumping around and it might be less likely to jump up at people. And while the dog is still going to make a noise, this might not happen as often and it could take place for different reasons.
Just an Example
Now, clearly not all dogs are the same and just because a dog has been trained, it doesn’t mean that it will behave in a certain way. However, what this comes down to is that there is going to be a difference between how a puppy behaves and how an older dog behaves.
Yet if this isn’t the case, it is likely to be a sign that the older dog has never been trained. And when something is out of control, regardless whether it relates to a pet or to something else, one’s life is going to be a lot harder than it needs to be.
If one was asked if they would like to have a mind that was like the puppy or the dog that has been trained, there is more chance of them going with the latter than the former. This is primarily because their life is going to be lot easier.
For one thing, they will be able to get to sleep at night and this going to have a positive effect on their whole life. It can then be possible for them to have enough energy to face each day.
A Vital Element
This is not to say that they won’t need to eat the right food or to exercise, for instance; what it comes down is how important it is to get enough sleep. If one was unable to sleep right, it might not matter what they eat or how much they exercise (that’s if they have enough energy to eat or to exercise), as they are likely to feel drained.
It has been said that when it comes to people who feel depressed, it is not uncommon for them have trouble sleeping. Through not getting enough sleep, they don’t have enough energy to function as they would like to function.
This can then stop them from taking action and through not taking action; their life is unlikely to change. In fact, it could end up getting worse and as a result of this; they can end up feeling even worse.
Yet unless they are able to get enough sleep, it is going to be a challenge for them to change their life. So by having a mind that is not out of control, it will be lot easier for them to function at their best.
Also, it will be a lot easier for one to live in the moment and this means that they are not going to be caught up in what happened or what might happen in the future. Therefore, when they are around other people, they will be able to listen to what they have to say and this is going to have a positive effect on their relationships.
Other people are likely to feel as though one values what they have to say and this can then mean that there will be a greater chance of them listening to what one has to say. Not only will they be able to focus around others, they will also be able to focus on their own plans.
When they need to get something done, they will have the ability to get it done as opposed to getting distracted by their mind. It will then be possible for them to make progress in life and they will be less chance of them getting left behind.
This is not to say that their mind will never be out of control; what it means is that this won’t be a way of life for them. There are always exceptions in life and this means that one could have phases in their life when their mind is out of control.
When this happens, it could be a sign that one is going through a stressful people in their life and this could mean that they have lost someone, experienced the end of a relationship and/or are about to do something they have never done before, among other things. After a while, they should return to how they were before.
But while this could be seen as the ideal, there are going to be other people who always seem to have a mind that is out of control. It is then not a phase they go through; it is a way of life.
This is going to set them up to suffer in one way or another and it is then going to be normal for them to look for ways to settle their mind down. One thing they could do is to take up some kind of exercise and to meditate on a regular basis.
It might also be necessary to look into what kind of food they eat and to see if they need to cut down on certain forms of entertainment. They could find that they are consuming too much sugar and that that need to spend less time watching TV or using the internet, for instance.
They could also take the time to see into what is taking place at an emotional level, as what is taking place in their mind could be a reflection of what is taking place in their body. When this happens, their overactive mind could be seen as a defence mechanism.
Through having a mind that is out of control, it stops them from having to get in touch with how they feel. If they were to process the emotional pain that is trapped in their body, they may find that their mind begins to settle down.
It could be said that this all comes down to self-understanding, as the more one understanding themselves the easier it will be for them to take the right steps. Some people are ‘thinkers’ and some people aren’t, and this can also set them up to have a busier mind.
They may also find that their mind needs a creative outlet and through using their mind to create something, it starts to settle down. This is not to say it will settle down overnight but as long as one commits to something, they may begin to see a difference.
If they feel they have an emotional build-up, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist and/or a support group. This could be a time where they will be working through grief and/or other emotions.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
While there will be times when someone will want to be around others, there will also be times when they want to be by themselves. And as to how long someone will spend in the company of others or in their own company can depend on a number of factors.
Human beings are not all the same and this means that it is to be expected that they will have the need to experience life differently. For example, one person might have a greater need to be around others and another person might have a greater need to be by themselves.
In A Relationship
As a result of this, the first person may want to be with someone who wants to be around others as much as they do. Yet the second person may want to be in a relationship with someone who also likes their own space.
Through matching up in these ways, there could be a greater chance of them having a relationship that is fulfilling. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they will both be on the same wavelength, so to speak.
It could be said that this will be the ideal scenario, and through having a relationship like this, it will be easier for them to get their needs met. However, this is not to say that their relationship will always be this way, as there could be times where their behaviour changes.
One person might need more space than they usually do, or they might feel the need to be around their partner more. They can then talk to their partner about what is taking place for them and it should then be possible for them to take care of their needs.
When this happens, it could mean that one person is going through a challenging time in their life and they may then feel the need to spend more time with their partner. Or they might have a lot of work to do, it could then be necessary for them to have more space.
But regardless of why they will need to have more contact or more time alone, this will be done in such as way that their partner will understand what is going on. There is then no need for any drama to appear.
A Conscious Relationship
One way of looking at this would be to say that it will be a conscious relationship and there is then going to be less chance of them coming to the wrong conclusions. The alternative would be for one person to just pull away without explaining why or for the other person to come on too strong for no apparent reason.
If the former was to occur, it would probably cause the other person to wonder if they have done something wrong, and if the latter was to occur, it may cause the other person to feel the need to get away. It would then no longer be a conscious relationship; it would end up being an unconscious relationship.
A Common Occurrence
This is a dynamic that often takes place when one person has a fear of being abandoned and another person has a fear of being smothered. Each person can then react as opposed to taking the time to respond.
What this comes down to is that through having these fears, it is going to be a challenge for them to act consciously. Although one person may feel as though the other person is trying to harm them; their behaviour will simply be a way for them to protect themselves.
The Complete Opposite
If might be hard for someone to understand why these two people would end up together; especially as their needs are so different. One person needs more space than the other, so it is inevitable that there will be problems.
On one hand, there will be the person who can’t get enough space and on the other hand, there will be the person who is unable to get enough contact. But the more the one person pulls away, the closer the other person will want to be.
The Logical Scenario
It would be better for the person who needs space to be with another person who also needs space and for the person who needs more contact to be with someone else who needs just as much contact. But while it would seem as though this would be the ideal scenario, it wouldn’t work either.
At a deeper level, each of them has the same fear as the other person, and this is partly why they are drawn to each other. Through coming into contact with each other, it allows them to experience the level of closeness that they feel comfortable with.
At A Deeper Level
So while the person who fears being abandoned acts as though they want to be with someone, at a deeper level they fear being smothered. And even though the other person acts as though they fear being smothered, at a deeper level they fear being abandoned.
Therefore, until they take the time to deal with what they are aware of as well as what they are generally unaware of; it is not going to be possible for them to have a fulfilling relationship. The reason they are experiencing life in this way is likely to be due to what happened during their childhood.
When one fears being smothered, their early years are likely to have been a time where their needs were, rarely, if ever met. And through being neglected, their caregiver wouldn’t have been in tune with their needs, and this means it they did receive attention; it would have been the wrong kind of attention.
It would have been hard for them to be abandoned, but this wouldn’t have been as bad as it would be for them to feel as though they were being annihilated. On the other hand, when one fears being abandoned, their early years may have been a time where their needs were met, but this wouldn’t have happened on a consistent basis, and to be abandoned at this age would have felt like the end of the world.
The care they were given by their caregiver would have been the kind of care they needed and this shows they were in tune with their developmental needs. However, as this didn’t happen often enough, they would have also have feared being smothered.
In order for them to heal themselves, it will be important for them to work through the fear of being abandoned, and the fear of being smoothed. The primary difference is that one person will find it easier to face the first fear and the other will find it easier for face the second fear.
Through being abandoned, they are likely to be carrying trapped grief in their body, as well as other emotions. And through being smothered, they are likely to be carrying trauma.
One way to process the grief that is within them will be to cry it out and this can also be a way to release the other emotions. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group and they can also help them to work through the trauma that is within them.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
It is not uncommon for someone to say that they want to be successful, and if this isn’t the case, it can be a sign that they are already successful. What this shows is important success is to some people.
For one person, success could mean having a fulfilling life, and for someone else, it could be based on achieving something specific. Therefore, success has more than one meaning and this comes down to that fact that people value different things.
If one has a strong need for approval, success could be as something they will have achieved when they are noticed by a certain amount of people. As a result, they could then have the need to be famous and/or to have enough money to buy the ‘right’ material objects.
It could then be said that one is more concerned with what other people think than they are with their own needs. However, all the time one needs other people’s approval, it might not be possible for them to see what is happening.
The Next Step
The pain that they experience through not getting enough approval could then be used to drive them forward. If they don’t have clear plan, they might just do everything they can to gain exposure.
And in today’s world of social media and reality TV; it could be said that it is easier than ever before for one to gain exposure. At the same time, this may mean that one is drawn to a profession that is seen as socially acceptable.
After a certain amount of time has passed, one may find that they have achieved what they wanted to achieve, and they could then sees themselves as successful. Yet although they have ‘made it’, so to speak, they could feel as though something is missing.
This could then cause them to take a deeper look at why they feel the way they do or they could see it as a sign that they need to achieve something else. The feedback they receive is then going to be ignored and it will be normal for them to carry on as they are.
On The Wrong Track
If they were to achieve something else, they could soon find that they end up feeling the same. They can then pay attention to how they feel or they can do the same thing and end up with the same result.
What they are likely to find through listening to themselves is that they are on the wrong track. While they used to believe that gaining the approval from others would allow them to experience true fulfilment; they now realise that this is something they will only be able to experience through fulfilling their own needs.
When one is in touch with their true needs and allows their life to be an expression of their needs, it may mean that they don’t receive much approval from others. In the eyes of others, they might even be seen as being successful.
However, whether their life matches up with other people expectations is not going to be their concern; what will matter is being true to themselves. At the same time, their life could be seen as what is means to be successful.
Yet even when one pays attention to their own need as opposed to the needs of others, they are still going to need to take action. What could drive them is the pain of having to live a life that doesn’t reflect who they are, among other things.
But unlike the person who is driven by their need to receive approval, they are going to be working towards something that truly matters to them. As a result, they are less likely to end up feeling empty and as though they are on the wrong track.
During the time, when one is putting in the work that they need to put in to achieve what they want to achieve, there is a chance that very few people will notice them. Yet once they have achieved something, this could soon change.
On one hand, this could mean that a small amount of people realise what they have achieved, and on the other hand, it could mean that a few thousand people realise what they have achieved. The amount of people who see what they have achieved can all depend on what they have achieved.
Other people could then say that they are ‘lucky’, or that they had it easy, for instance. This is then similar to one turning up outside a house that has just been built and coming to the conclusion that it just appeared.
Clearly the house had to be built from the foundations upward, and this wouldn’t have happened overnight. So just like it takes patience and persistence to build a house; it also takes patience and persistence to become successful.
The idea of being an overnight success is something that is going to appeal to a lot of people and this is partly due to the fact that people are often told that they can have want they want when they want it. There is then no need for them to delay gratification, but while there are times when one will be able to have something straight away; there will be times when they won’t.
When it comes to success, it will be important for one to have the ability to delay gratification. While they are working towards what they want to achieve, there will be ups and there will be downs and unless they can tolerate frustration, they might soon give up.
This is why it is important for one to make sure that what they are doing truly matters to them. Through being on the right track, it will be easier for them to handle the times when they feel as though nothing is happening.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that one will be doing what they need to do and they won’t be too concerned about what will happen in the future.
Oliver JR Cooper
When something goes wrong, one can either look into what took place, or they can simply find someone to blame. If they were to look into what happened, it would give them the chance to make a difference.
For example, they could see if they have played a part in what took place and if so, they can see if they can do anything in order to make it right, so to speak. Through doing this, they will be taking responsibility for their actions.
When they don’t look into what took place, they are not going to see if they have played a part. Now, if they haven’t played a part in what took place it won’t matter, but if they have, they are not going to be taking responsibility for their actions.
If one was to do this from time to time, it might not cause them to experience too many problems. Whereas if this was a way of life for them; it is likely to set them up to suffer unnecessarily.
Not Always the Case
Having said that, it can all depend on what one doesn’t take responsibility for, as they could be this way from time to time and still experience problems. In this case, it is not going to be possible for them to overlook what has taken place.
What this shows is that this is not something that is black and white and how it can all depend on the situation. One way of looking at this is to say that when someone takes responsibility for their actions, they are displaying maturity.
If one was to imagine someone who always blames other people, they are likely to think about someone who is not very mature. For example, they may picture a young child who makes a mess but instead of admitting to what happened; they say it was one of their siblings.
Through doing this, the child might end up being told off or their caregiver might end up telling their sibling off. The child has then made a mess but someone else might end up taking responsibility for it.
Another way of looking at this is to say what one believes that other people should be held responsible for their life. If they were a criminal, for instance, they might say that they are ‘above the law’.
While they might be able to see that they have played a part in what takes place in their life, there is also the chance that they can’t. Along with this, they might do everything they can to stop themselves from facing the fact that they are not victims.
If they are unable to see that they play a part in how they experience life, it can be a sign that they lack self-awareness. Through being out of touch with their own behaviour and what is taking place within them, it can then seem as though things just happen.
It is then only natural for them to see themselves as victims and as though other people are out to get them. They are then going to believe that they are powerless and it is then to be expected that they will blame others.
This can mean that one will blame anyone for what takes place in their life; in this case, it won’t matter if they are male or female. Through being this way, they are unlikely to be seen as someone who has something against the opposite sex.
As a result, people from both genders could find it hard to spend time around them. However, this is not to say that they will end up being completely isolated from others, as they could spend time around people who are exactly the same.
By spending time with people who blame everyone else for their problems, it is going to give them the support they need to continue. If they were by themselves, it might be harder for them to maintain this outlook.
These people then give them the wood they need in order to keep their fire burning, so to speak. It could then be said that they are all going to be as unaware as each other.
However, while one could blame both genders, they could also have the tendency to blame the opposite gender. In this case, men or women are going to be seen as the problem, and until they ‘change’, they are going to believe that their life is not going to be any different.
This is then going to be similar to one having a chocolate cake that hasn’t been made very well and saying that all chocolate cakes are bad. Clearly, there are going to be some cakes that don’t taste very good, but it would be inaccurate to say they are all the same.
On one hand, they are going to be making a generalisation and on the other hand, they are not going to be taking into account that they were the ones who eat the cake. When it comes to human beings, not everyone is the same, and when it comes to the people that one comes into contact with, it is not a random process.
Yet if one is unaware of their behaviour and what is taking place within them, it can seem as though they don’t play a part in who they come into contact with. What this comes down to is that human beings don’t see with their eyes - they see with their mind.
So if one believes that the opposite sex is the problem, they are only going to see things that validate their outlook. If they were to come cross a member of the opposite sex who is different, they might not even see it and even if they do, they could say that they are putting on act, for instance.
What this comes down to is that one is not simply an observer of their reality; they are a co-creator of it. Therefore, if one often comes into contact with members of the opposite sex who cause them problems, it will be important for them to take a look within themselves.
If they don’t do this, it will be normal for them to feel as though they have no effect on their environment and they won’t be able to see that not all men/women are the same. When one has issues with the opposite sex, it can be a sign that their childhood was a time where a family member of the opposite sex treated them badly.
It will then be important for them to work with a therapist and/or a support group in order to take a closer look at what is taking place within them. Through their support, one will be able to question their beliefs and to process their emotional pain.
Oliver JR Cooper
Relationships: Do Some People Put Up With Dysfunctional Relationships In Order To Avoid Their True Feelings?
While there are some people who end up in relationships that are fulfilling, there are others who don’t. This is going to mean that not everyone is going to know what it is like to be in a fulfilling relationship.
When one is used to being in relationships that are not as they would like to them to be, it could be a sign that they end up with people they are not attracted to. At the same time, it could mean that they are used to being with people who are abusive.
In this case, being with someone is not just going to cause them to feel as though something is missing; they can feel as though their very survival is at risk. It could be said that the first example is from one end of the spectrum and the other example is from the other end.
In The Middle
However, although these extremes can exist, there is also going to be what takes place in the middle. This can mean that one could end up in relationships that have moments where they feel as though they are with the right person, as well as moments where they wonder why they are with the other person.
For example, there could be times where they end up being controlled or they could end up being ignored. As a result, they might find it hard to know where they stand and they may wonder if they should be with them.
If one is used to being in relationships that are not very fulfilling, they may believe that they don’t have a choice. They have then resigned themselves to experiencing life in this way.
This could then mean that they feel like a victim and they may decide that it’s best for them to stay single. Yet as time passes, they could feel the need to find someone to be with, and they could soon end up in the same situation all over again.
In The Beginning
On one hand, they could come to see that they have ended up with someone similar without too much time passing, and on the other hand, it might take them a while before they realise what has taken place. It might only be a matter of time before they decide to leave the other person.
One could then feel down and they may even say that it won’t happen again, but before long, they could end up going through the whole process again. It could be said that it would be a good idea for them to take a step back and to reflect on what is taking place.
The Same Result
Unless they take the time to do this, there is not going to be much chance of their life changing. Along with this, their behaviour will also need to change; if they were to continue to behave in the same way, they would continue to get the same result.
But if one is unable to do this, it will be important for them to reach for the right support. Thorough receiving this support, someone else will be able to help them to see why they continue to end up in the same scenario.
This is then similar to what one would do if they had a problem with their car or leak in their house, for instance. They are unlikely to overlook what is taking place and to feel as though there is nothing they can do.
However, when it comes to a relational challenge or a mental and emotional problem, it can be normal for one to suffer in silence. This partly comes down to the fact that it is socially acceptable to go to the garage or to speak to a builder; whereas the same can’t always be said when it comes to dealing with personal problems.
So through fearing what might happen if they were to reach out for support, one might not do anything. This might not be the only reason though, as there could be another reason why they won’t do anything.
Even though they end up suffering in one way or another when they are in a relationship with someone, they might believe that it is not as bad as it would if they had to face themselves. Therefore, even though they are unable to experience life differently, it is something they are prepared to put up with.
This is not to say that one is aware of this, as this could be something that takes place just outside of their awareness. At a conscious level, they could believe that there is nothing they can do and it will then be normal for them to blame others.
Their outlook could end up being supported by the people around them and their friends and/or family could talk about how ‘bad’ the people they attract are. But while this outlook might allow them to feel better for a short time, it is not going to do much else.
A Deeper Look
If they were to stop themselves from ending up in a relationship and to pay attention to the feelings that arise, they could end up feeling overwhelmed. During this time, they could experience toxic shame, grief and/or the fear of abandonment, among other things.
Finding someone to be with is then a way for them to regulate how they feel, and this shows that they are being driven by the need to feel better as opposed to the need to connect. So unless one starts to feel different on the inside, they might not be able to end up in a healthy relationship.
While the emotional build-up that one is carrying within them could relate to what has taken place during their adult years; it could also include what took place during their childhood. It is then going to be important for them to process the emotional pain that is within them.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
Oliver JR Cooper
It has been said that even though someone will change physically as time passes, it doesn’t mean they will change emotionally. As a result of this, their emotional age might not match up with their physical age.
If one believes that they will feel different as time passes, it is going to be hard for them to understand what they feel as they do. But while this could cause them to experience frustration, they might believe that their life will soon change.
It might then be possible for them to carry on with their life and to overlook how they feel; however, this can all depend on what is taking place within them. Based on how they feel, they might not be able to simply carry on as normal.
The ideal will then be for them to reach out for support and to find out what they can do to experience life differently. This is because if one’s emotional development hasn’t changed; it is a clear sign that they need to do something about it.
At the same time, this doesn’t mean that one won’t be able to help themselves once they find out what they need to do. Yet the first thing will be for them to gain a deeper understanding of what is actually taking place.
But while this is the ideal, it doesn’t mean that one will get this far, and this is because they could end up suffering in silence. Through experiencing life in this way for so long, they could believe that is just how life is.
It is then something that they have become accustomed to and there is then not much chance of them doing anything about it. They could end up finding other ways to change how they feel and while this may only allow them to feel better for short time; it could be seen as the only option they have.
So through using other ways to change how they feel, other people might not even notice what is taking place. On one hand, this could be because they are good at hiding this part of their lives, and on the other hand, it could be because what they do is seen as ‘normal’.
For example, one could change how they feel through exercising, drinking, having casual encounters and/or eating too much. Along With this, they could also create the impression that everything is fine and this is then going to make it harder for them to receive the right support.
When one ends up finding ways to change how they feel, it is going to mean that they are unable to step back from what is taking place. As a result, they are being controlled by their emotions and it is not possible for them to think clearly.
Through being this way, it could take a while before their life changes; that’s unless someone else is able to pick up on what is happening, for instance. In this case, another person may realise what is happening and offer their support.
The Next Step
If they were to get the chance to open up to someone about what is taking place, they could say that they have felt the same way for quite some time. And through feeling the same, there is also the chance that their life has ended up staying the same.
Therefore, even though they want to experience life differently, they are unable to do anything about it. This could cause them to feel hopeless and they might wonder if their life will ever change.
A Closer Look
They could also be asked about what kind of emotional experience they usually have and when they first started to feel as they do. During this time, one could say that they often feel sad and/or powerless, among other things.
Along with this, they may also say that they don’t feel like an adult and how they feel more like a child. In this case, it is going to mean that their physical development has far exceeded their emotional development.
A Number of Years
However, it might not go back this far and one could say that they first started to feel this way during their adult years. At first, they might not remember why they felt this way but after a while it might come to them.
This could relate to a time when someone in their life past on or a relationship came to an end and although they were in pain, they didn’t take the time to grieve the loss. In the short-term they may have been able to carry on as normal, but as time passed it was no longer possible for them to avoid what was taking place within them.
If they have felt his way since their younger years, it could be a sign that their needs were rarely, if ever, met. This would have meant that they didn’t get what they needed to get in order to develop.
As a result of this, it would have caused them to experience a lot of pain, and all the time this pain stays within them, it is not going to be possible for them to feel like an adult. So whether it relates to what happened during one’s adult years and/or what took place during their childhood, it will be important for this pain to be processed.
Through experiencing loss, one is likely to be carrying grief and one way to let go of this pain will be to cry it out. As to how long this will take can depend on how much grief one is carrying within them and how often they cry.
This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. Through this support, one can also receive the positive regard that they need in order to develop.
Oliver JR Cooper
In today’s world, it is not uncommon for someone to describe themselves as ‘independent’. When they say this, they could say it as if they are talking about something that is a normal part of life, or they could say it with a sense of pride.
In the first case, one may have experienced life in this way for quite some time and as a result of this, they don’t feel the need to make out that they are doing anything exceptional. Through being this way, they are likely to be in a position where they can support themselves financial.
However, even if they haven’t experienced life in this way for long, they are still not going to have the need to make a big deal of it. This could be a sign that they know what it’s like to be on the other side and this can then cause them to be extremely grateful.
When one is only too happy to talk about how ‘independent’ they are it could be a sign that they haven’t been this way for very long. But even if they have, they still feel the need to let other people know about how they experience life.
Therefore, it is not going enough for them to be able to financially support themselves, for instance, they will need to take it further. And while they might be grateful, there the chance that there will be a greater focus on how well they have done.
If these people were asked how they were before they were ‘independent, they may say that they were ‘dependent’. Through being this way, they may say that it wasn’t possible for them to support themselves financially.
The money they had would have come from other people and this means it would have been given to them. Nowadays, the money they have is the result of the work they have put in, and this shows that they have worked for it.
Along with this, they could also say that they can take care of their own emotional needs. Through being this way, they can say that they don’t need anyone in their life and that they can do everything by themselves.
Through having this outlook, it could mean that they avoid romantic relationships and not only this; they might not have any close friends either. And while they could have family around them, they might do everything they can to keep them at a certain distance.
However, if they do end up in a relationship with someone, they are unlikely to be able to experience intimacy, and this is because they probably won’t be able to let go. By having the need to do anything by themselves and to remain ‘independent’, it could stop them from being able to be vulnerable and to really connect to another person.
This could also mean that they are likely to have ‘casual encounters’, as they are not going to have the need to be vulnerable in these kinds kinds of interactions. And while they may have friends that have the same outlook; they may find that they often come into contact with people who are needy.
If one is in this position and they can financially support themselves, it is clear to see that they are not financially dependent on others. Yet even though they are playing an important part in what is taking place, it doesn’t mean that they don’t depend on anyone.
For one thing, they are going to depend on their employer to pay them at the end of each month. And even if they are self-employed, they are going to depend on their clients or customers money.
Before This Happens
But before they even get to work, they are going to depend on their car or a train to get them there, and if they walk there, they are going to depend on the paths or the roads that have been built by others. If one is self-employed and they work from home, they are going to depend on a device that was built by others and an internet connection that is maintained by others.
Yet in order for them to even get this far, they will need to eat and drink, and even if they are able to grow their food, they are still going to be dependent on the earth. There is also the air that one needs in order to survive.
What this shows is that it would be more appropriate for one to say that they are interdependent. And although they may want to believe that they don’t need others, this is not something that is based on reality.
Other people play a vital part in their ability to survive on this planet and without their support; their life would be very different. This is not to say that one needs one person in particular in order to survive; what it means is that they need other people in general.
The Terrible Twos
When a child reaches their second birthday, they are likely to have the need to break away from their caregivers and to explore life by themselves. During this time, the child will go away and then come back, and this will take place for quiet some time.
Throughout this time, the child can come to believe that it doesn’t need anyone else, but it would soon start to panic if its caregiver wasn’t there when it returned. Therefore, even though the child can act as though it is independent, this is nothing more than an illusion.
At this age, the Childs ability to think is not going to be fully developed so there is no reason why it should see life differently. But when it comes to an adult, they are not going to be in the same position, and this means that they have the ability to see that they are actually interdependent.
Also, if one’s needs were not met during their younger years, it can cause them to go to the other extreme and to act as though they are needless. During these years, they would have been made to feel ashamed for having needs and as a way to stop themselves from feeling this pain, they can act as though they don’t need others.
But while this will cause them to suffer, the pain they experience won’t be as painful as the pain they would experience if they were to get in touch with how they felt all those years ago. They are likely to be carrying toxic shame, and through disconnecting from this shame, it can set them up to be shameless and it will then be normal for them to lose touch with their humanity.
One consequence of this will be for them to act as though they are more-than human and this means that they will believe that they don’t need others. Based on what happened as a child, having needs will be seen as a weakness and it then is important for them to hide their needs.
If one is in this position and they find it hard to embrace the fact that they need others, it will be important for them to process the pain that is within then. As this takes place, they will be able to accept the fact that they are interdependent.
This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
Oliver JR Cooper
Even though a relationship can start off in a certain way, it doesn’t mean that it will be the same as time passes. On one hand, this can be seen as something that just happens as two people get to know each other better, and on the other hand, it can mean that one person was putting on an act.
Best Foot Forward
In this sense, the person someone made themselves out to be in the beginning of the relationship was nothing more than an act. This shows that while someone can put their best foot forward; they can also go as far as to deceive others.
The other person might not just be in for a small surprise; they could be in for a real shock. As to how long it will take until they realise what is happening can depend on a number of different factors.
When the idea one has of the other person doesn’t match up with what they are like, it can be a challenge for them to face reality. If the other person was to act differently, they could end up overlooking what happens, or even see it as a one-off.
What this will show is how caught up they are in the idea they have formed in their mind. Through holding onto this idea, they can feel good; whereas if they were to let it go and to embrace reality, this might not be the case.
Alternatively, one might notice that the other person has changed and this could then cause them to talk to them about what is happening. But even though they end up talking to the other person, it doesn’t mean they will get the answer they were looking for.
For one thing, the other could say that one is seeing things and that there is more to it than meets the eye, for instance. Upon hearing this, they could come to believe what has been said and this could cause them to ignore what is taking place within them.
When another person begins to change, it might be possible for one to put up with their behaviour in the short-term. In this case, their behaviour is going to be different but it is not going to be so different that one can no longer stay with the other person.
This could be because there are still other sides to them that they value, and this will then allow the relationship to continue. However, even though this could be the case in the short-term, it doesn’t mean it will be in the long-term.
What they could overlook at one point in time could be what they are unable to overlook at another. Once they are at this point, it is not going to be possible for them to overlook what is taking place.
However, if another person’s behaviour was to completely change, it might not be possible for them to put up with their behaviour in the short-term. When this happens, it can be a sign that another person has ended up being abusive.
In this case, it is going to be dangerous for them to stay with the other person and it will then be important for them to walk away. If they were to stay with them, not only will it have a negative effect on their well-being; it could also mean that their physical body will also be harmed.
Therefore, the sooner they leave the other person, the sooner they will be able to put an end to what is taking place. So whether one is with someone who is abusive or not, it will be important for them to take action.
On one hand, they could talk to the other person and end up being dismissed or told that they are getting worked up for no reason, and on the other hand, they could end up hearing the complete opposite. When this happens, they may say that they will change their behaviour.
Through hearing this, one could then come to believe what they hear and they could believe that will only be a matter of time before they do. Before long, they may start to see that the other person was actually telling the truth.
The Same Old Story
At the same time, the other person could say they will change and as time passes, one could find that they are still the same. If they were to tell them that they have had enough and/or that they are going to leave, for instance, they may be told that they need more time or that this time it will be different.
In the beginning, it can be easy for one to believe what they hear, but as time passes, they will start to see that the other person’s behaviour doesn’t match up with the words that come out of their mouth. So if they were to go along with what they hear and to deny what they see, they will be setting themselves up to suffer unnecessarily.
They may find that they are able to walk away but at the same time, they may find that part of them doesn’t want to leave the other person. This part of them could believe that they will change if they are given enough time.
If this happens, one is not going to working with themselves; they are going to be working against themselves. It is then going to be important for them to let go of their need to delude themselves and to face reality.
When it comes to their mental, emotional and physical health, it will be in their best interest to leave the other person. This is not to say that one has to do this by themselves though, as they can be assisted by therapist and/or a support group.
Through their help, one can gradually begin to face reality and during this time, they may find that they are carrying pain from the past that needs to be processed.
Oliver JR Cooper
While there are experiences that one can have that won’t stop them from being able to carry on with their life; there are other experiences that can stop them from being able to move forward. When this happens, time will pass but their point of focus is going to be on what took place in the past.
As a result of this, the energy they have in the present moment is going to be directed towards something that took place a matter of months or even years before. So while this energy could be put to good use in present; it is going to be wasted in the past.
Through being so consumed by what happened, it could seem as though what happened is more real than what is happening. In this sense, it is still going to be seen as a big part of their life.
One way of looking at this would be to say that they are sabotaging their life and this means that it is not going to be possible for them to create a fulfilling life until they can let go. Through placing their attention on what has been and gone they are pushing away the only moment they have.
This is not to say that they realise what is taking place, as this could be something that they are not even aware of. Yet even if they are not aware of this, the people around them could point out what is taking place.
They may find that one is no longer the person they used to be and this could cause them to think about what is going on. This could be a sign that one no longer wants do to what they did before or it could mean that they are no longer as happy, for instance.
If they were to find out that they can’t let go of the past, they might talk to them about how important it is. And depending on how this is said, one could either feel supported or they could feel as though they are being told off.
When one feels supported, it can make it easier for them to handle what they are going through. They are likely to be under enough pressure without having people tell them what they should be doing.
During this time, someone might take the time to ask about what has been happening in their life. Or they may say that they are there for them if they ever want to talk about what is going on.
If, on the other hand, they are told off for holding on, it could end up being even harder for them to handle this time in their life. They could come to believe that they are the only ones who are unable to let go.
On one hand, there will be the pain they are in, and on the other hand, will be the pain they are experiencing through being around certain people. Through being around these kinds of people, or through reading certain quotes on the internet; one can end up feeling as though there is something wrong with them.
When one is unable to let go, this could mean that they are holding onto a past relationship, a stage in their life that they enjoyed and/or they may even has lost someone, among other things. Either way, their attention is on how things were as opposed to how things are.
A Common Outlook
If one was told that they need to let go, there is a strong chance that the other person will believe that this is something that happens through force. They could say that they need to remove the past from their mind or that they need to ‘change’ their thoughts for instance.
In this sense, it will be important for one to use their willpower and to take control of their life. One way of looking at this would be to say that letting go is something that happens through doing and not from being.
Based on this outlook, it is going to be all about the mind and unless one deals with what is taking place there, they won’t be able to let go. Through following this advice and using force, one may find that it is gradually possible for them to let go.
But at the same time, they may find that their life doesn’t change no matter how hard they try to let go. They may then be told that they need to focus on what will happen if they don’t let go and through doing this, it will keep them on track.
Out of Balance
What this approach overlooks is that is taking place in their body, and this will relate to how they feel. When something comes to an end there can be loss and through experiencing loss, one can also experience grief.
If this pain is faced and one is able to cry out the grief that is within them, for instance, it can be a lot easier for them to let go. Yet if this doesn’t take place and the pain ends up being trapped in their body, it can be a challenge for them to let go.
Holding onto the past can then be a way for one to avoid the emotional pain that is within their body. And as it relates to emotional pain, it is not going to be possible for one to let go through using force; they will need to surrender to how they feel.
It will then be important for them to put their willpower to one side and to be with what is taking place within them. Even though they might feel vulnerable through facing how they feel, this is not a process that will last forever.
This is not to say that one has to do this by themselves, as they can reach out for support. Through working with a therapist and/or a support group, they will be able to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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