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What is clear is that if someone was mistreated during their early years, it was something that they had no control over. For one thing, they didn’t choose the family they had and, as they were a powerless and dependent child there was absolutely nothing that they could have done.
Therefore, this was a time when they were the victims and their parent or parents were the perpetrators. To say anything else wouldn’t make any sense and it would hold someone who isn’t accountable, accountable for what they played no part in. Another Angle However, while they would have been a powerless victim throughout this stage of their life, what if they didn’t randomly end up with the family that they have? What if they chose to incarnate in this family? At this point, they could say that there is absolutely no chance that they chose this family. Furthermore, they could say that this is the only life they have had and thus, they didn’t “incarnate”, or that there is no such thing as incarnation. A Natural Outcome Naturally, as they were greatly mistreated during this stage of their life, it is to be expected that they would say that they didn’t choose to have this experience. Simply being told this could cause them to experience a fair amount of anger and rage. As for believing that there is no such thing as reincarnation, this could also be seen as a natural part of living in a society that is largely a manifestation of ego-consciousness. As a result of this, there is life and then there is death and that’s the end of it. A Continuation Even so, there is the chance that this is not their first life and that their last life had a number of things in common with the life that they had after this. Then again, how their last life was towards the end may have been very similar. Where they were energetically during their past life will then have played a part in the family that they would end up incarnating into. Another part of this is that while their physical body and the identity that they had would have died, another part of them will have lived on. A key part What this will illustrate is that who they are now won’t have chosen the family that they now have. Who they are now will have been heavily influenced by the body and brain they have and the experiences that they have had during this life. So, if what was going on for them in their last life played a part in what they would experience in the next life and it wasn’t random, it will mean that they were not being punished. In other words, they were not mistreated because they are inherently bad, worthless and unlovable. Seeing Clearly In reality, they would have carried a certain energetic imprint and this would have played a part in why they were pulled to a certain family. Before they were even mistreated by them, part of them is likely to have already felt powerless, hopeless and helpless, bad, worthless, unlovable and unsafe. If they hadn’t already felt this way, there is a strong chance that they would have ended up being pulled to another family. Or, the experience that they had with the same family might have been different. Rising Up Being able to step back and look beyond what happened to them during their early years and see that it wasn’t personal, will play a big part in what will allow them to move forward. If they are purely focused on what took place and see themselves as a victim of what happened, they will continue to feel powerless. How they felt as a child will then carry on and they won’t be able to liberate themselves from a brutal stage of their life. Still, this is a process that takes courage and patience and persistence. Timing A fair amount of pain and arousal can need to be worked through before they can even contemplate this view, let alone accept it. But, by working through this pain and the arousal that they experienced as a child and before, they will be able to go from a feeling like a child who sees their parent or parents as all-knowing and all-powerful gods, to beings who were deeply wounded. The level of consciousness that their parent or parents had is likely to have been very similar to the level of consciousness that they had when they incarnated. By changing their consciousness, something that will take place by healing themselves, their life will gradually change. The Truth Over time, by putting in the work, they still start to realise, at the core of their being, that they are worthy, deserving, loveable, and powerful. Additionally, they will be able to feel safe and secure. What they can keep in mind is that they are more than what has happened to them in this life as well as in any other life. Their thoughts, feelings, perceptions and environment might not always validate this but it doesn’t change this. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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At the beginning of someone’s life, they need love in order to grow and develop in the right way. This, of course, is something that they will need for many, many years after this stage for their development to continue to go in the right direction.
When it comes to what is meant by ‘love’, it will involve having a parent who is able to attune to their infants needs and is typically able to provide them with what they need. This will mean being present around them and involve feeding and holding them at the right times. A Key Part By expressing their love for their baby in this way, they will be providing them with the nutrients that their brain needs to develop. Also, by acknowledging their existence and holding them, they will be helping them to develop a sense of self. One of looking at this stage would be to say that this is a time when they will be experiencing an emotional birth. So, while their physical birth will have given them a body or an outer body, their emotional birth will give them a sense of self or an inner body. The Next Part As the years go by and they feel the need to and are capable of exploring their environment, they will need their parent to support their growing independence. This will involve allowing them to go off and being there when they feel the need to come back and ‘refuel’. By doing this, they will be giving them what they need to start the individuation process and to become an autonomous human being. It is clear to see that if a parent isn’t very present, is low on empathy, unfeeling and finds it hard to love, that each of these stages is unlikely to go very well. Greatly Undermined Therefore, before they were to even become a child, they would end up being in a very bad way. They wouldn’t have strong foundations and whatever happens to them at this stage, would compound what has already happened to them. Sadly, not everyone has a parent who is able to love them during their developmental years and their childhood years are not much better either. As a result of this, practically from the moment they are born and for many years after, they will be deprived of what they need to grow and develop in the right way. A Very Different Scenario What this will mean is that their primary caregiver is incapable of proving them with the nutrients that they need to grow and develop in the right way. Due to this, they will experience a physical birth but they won’t experience an emotional birth. This is likely to damage their brain and prevent them from being able to develop a sense of self. Instead of staying connected to their needs and feelings, they are likely to lose touch with them and go into a disconnected, shut down state. Missing out What is likely to be normal is being left when they need attention and receiving attention when they want to be left. By not having a parent who is able to attune to their needs, it is to be expected that they will be wounded. This stage of their life will cause them to routinely feel abandoned and as though their life is going to come to an end. Fortunately, they will have a brain that represses pain and will allow them to survive, albeit at a great cost. Split Off Once the stage arrives for them to start exploring their environment, they might not feel the urge to do so. As they will have lost touch with their needs and feelings and gone into a shut down state, their need for individuate and to gradually become an autonomous human being is likely to have been submerged. What took place at a previous stage of their development will then have affected the next stage and they will be developmentally stunted. Naturally, if they are harmed and neglected as a child, this will wound them even more. A Challenging Time Fast forward to when they are an adult and it can take many, many years for them to see that they are wounded and for them to do something about it. But, as how they experience life will just be how it is, this is not going to be much of a surprise. Upon realising what is going on, they can feel that how they were treated was a reflection of how bad and worthless they are. This will be a natural outcome of the fact that during their formative years, they were egocentric and would have personalised what took place. The Truth What they will need to think about is that how they were treated wasn’t their fault or a reflection of their worth or how lovable they are and was simply a sign that they were brought up by at least one parent who was unable to love. This parent was probably in a shut down, disconnected state and was this way thanks to what took place during their formative years. In fact, this could be something that goes back for many generations, and this will show that how they and all their other ancestors were treated wasn’t personal. What this comes down to is that wounded people wound others. Blocked Off Taking this into account, not only was the love and support that they needed unable to come through to them; it would have been unable to come through to many of their ancestors. Like a blocked pipe, the sustenance that was needed wouldn’t have gotten through. As to what caused this blockage, to begin with, one could look through what has happened throughout history to get a rough idea. Now, though, they have the chance to remove this block and allow the love and support that they need to flow through to them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Thanks to the ability that someone’s brain has to block out pain and then for their conscious mind to forget about the past, it can take a while for them to realise that they were abused. As a result of this, their life can be one big challenge but they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak.
When it comes to what they struggle with, they can often feel low and be deeply depressed, they can have trouble saying no and other people can walk over them, they can find it hard to relax and often be on the go, and they might have moments when they think about ending their life. So, regardless of whether they have some or all of these challenges as well as others, it is clear to see why their life will be exceptionally difficult. Just how it is How they experience life can be what is normal, which means that they might not believe that they can do anything about it. This will then be something that they merely have to put up with. If they do end up reaching out, though, this could be a time when what is truly going on for them won’t be looked into. Instead, the focus can be on what is taking place in their mind and the symptoms. The Outcome Their ‘negative’ thoughts can then be seen as the problem and dealing with these will be the way for them to change their life. In reality, what is going on at this level is likely to be a reflection of what is going on at a deeper level; the level of their unconscious mind/body. But, by living in a society that is very mind centred and tends to live on the surface, what is going on at this level probably won’t be mentioned, let alone dismissed. Consequently, they are likely to use ‘positive’ thoughts and beliefs to push down the input that is trying to enter their conscious awareness from a deeper level. A Short-Term Solution Even if this mind based approach does work, it might not work for very long. The reason for this is that sooner or later, what they have pushed down will end up coming back with a vengeance and they might no longer be able to repress or suppress it. At this point, previously repressed feelings, thoughts and memories can enter their conscious awareness. Therefore, they will start to remember what took place during their early years and what is going on for them as an adult will start to make sense. Two Parts This stage would have deeply traumatised them, causing them to experience a lot of pain and to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. Due to being powerless and totally dependent, so they were unable to do anything about what was going on, defend themselves or to find another family. And, as this would have been a time when they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that there was something wrong with their parents’; no, it was that there was something wrong with them. A Double Blow If at this point they had developed a felt sense of worth, what took place wouldn’t have had the same impact. But, as this was not in place, what took place would have been internalised and seen as the truth. Now that they are an adult, they are likely to find it hard to accept that they have value and didn’t deserve to be mistreated as a child. Their mind can simply dismiss this and it can be as though they are trying to accept something that has no basis in reality. Another Option What will be clear, soon enough, is that this approach is not going to cut it and even if they try to change their ‘negative’ thoughts and view of themselves by purely changing what is going on in their mind, this is only likely to cover up how they truly feel about themselves. With both of these things in mind, they will need to go beyond their mind and into what is keeping what is taking place at this level in place. In other words, they will need to start connecting to their emotional wounds and to feel the pain that they were unable to feel as a child. This will be pain that ended up being automatically repressed by their brain to stop them from being overwhelmed and allow them to keep it together and function – survive. Another Part Along with this, what will also play a part in allowing them to accept what took place wasn’t personal will be for them to take a closer look into their parent/s history. To look into what they were like before they were parents and what their early years were like. What this will do is allow them to see beyond the role that they played and to see them more clearly. This is important because, as a child, they would have seen them as all-knowing and all-seeing gods; not as flawed human beings. Where It Began If they were to do some digging and to explore their parents early years, they may find that the past has repeated itself. At least one of their parents may have been mistreated by one or both of their parents. What this will demonstrate is that this parent was deeply wounded by one or both of the people who were supposed to build them up. This parent wouldn’t have healed their own wounds, for whatever reason, and ended up passing on what was done to them. Awareness The most important thing is that they don’t give up themselves and do what they need to do to gradually let go of what happened. To do this, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were able to step back and reflect on how they usually feel, is that they have the tendency to experience ‘negative’ feelings. So, they could often feel rejected, worthless, unloved, hopeless, helpless and abandoned.
That’s not to say that these feelings will always be experienced at the same time but that these will be feelings that they are familiar with. Now, what could enter their mind is that they feel this way due to what is going on externally. It’s clear Therefore, if what was going on externally was to change, they would be able to experience more ‘positive’ feelings. It could be said that this will make sense if what is going on externally is not very harmonious. If they were to think about their life, they could see that it is anything but fulfilling, with most if not all areas of their life not going in the direction that they would like them to. This could mean that they will often imagine that their life is different and end up feeling really good as a result. For Example Now, when it comes to what their life is like, there is the chance that they will be in a relationship that is not very functional. When they are with this person, they could feel worthless, unloved and hopeless and helpless. And, when they are not in their company, they could feel rejected and abandoned. So, when they are with them they won’t feel good and when they are not with them, they won’t feel good either. Another Area When it comes to their job or career, they could experience a number of if not all of the same feelings. This could show that they do something that is soul-destroying or they might enjoy what they do but be unable to make progress. Once they get home at the end of the day or whenever they finish, they could feel totally frustrated and exhausted. They are then going to be desperate for this area, along with other areas of their life to change. The Same Old Story If they were to look back on their life, they may find that they have experienced these feelings for as long as they can remember. They will then have been with different people and had different jobs, for instance, but not much else will be different. However, as they will believe that what is going on externally needs to change in order for their life to change, they will just have to put up with what is going on and to live in hope. Yet, what if they don’t experience these feelings purely because of what is going on externally and far there is more to it? Going Deeper What if a big part of them is strongly attached to these feelings and this is why they continually have experiences where they feel this way? At this point, they could wonder what is being spoken about. What this would mean is that by them being strongly attached to these feelings and their identity being formed around them too, they co-create a reality where they will re-experience how they already feel. This will also mean that they are not simply a passive observer of their reality and are actively playing a part, both consciously and unconsciously, in what they do and don’t experience. Confusion If they don’t dismiss what has been said as being crazy and keep an open mind, they could wonder why they are strongly attached to these feelings and have formed an identity around them. As these feelings are having a negative effect on them, are not allowing them to see themselves in a very positive light, and are causing them to have the same disempowering experience, this won’t make any sense. For them to understand why they are this way, it will be necessary for them to take look at what took place during their formative years. This may have been a time when they were deprived of a lot of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. A Brutal Time They may have been abused and/or neglected by one or both of their parents, which would have meant they would have often felt: rejected, worthless, unloved, hopeless, helpless and abandoned. This would have been a normal part of their life and it was a sign that, as they were egocentric, they personalised what took place. As they were powerless and totally dependent they wouldn’t have been able to change their parent or parents or to run away. Still, along with losing touch with their true self, so their feelings and a number of their needs, they would have tried to receive what their parent or parents were unable to provide them. The Connection One part of this would be to say what is familiar is classed as what is safe and this is why they are repeating the past, both in terms of how they feel and the situations that they find themselves in. Additionally, as they felt these feelings so often it is to be expected that they play a part in how they would come to see themselves. To take an even closer look, it could be said that this will all come down to the fact that they are engaging in repetition compulsion. The part of them or parts, as there are likely to be many wounded parts inside them, will want to re-create their early experiences in the hope that it will finally receive what it missed out on. Shinning the Light This part of them will want to have experiences where they feel rejected, worthless, unloved, hopeless, helpless and abandoned and, by feeling all or some of these feelings, it will try to attain the love, support and acceptance that it desperately needs. If this part was to find itself in a position where love, support and acceptance were freely available, it wouldn’t be able to accept them. The reason for this is that this situation won’t match up with what happened originally and it won’t be possible for this part to change what happened. The trouble is that, like before, this part will cause them to recreate situations that will match up with what happened before but what it needs won’t be able to be provided. Drawing the Line With this in mind, it is clear to see why no matter how many years pass, their unmet developmental needs will never be met. Trying to fulfil them will just cause them to suffer unnecessarily. The way for them to put an end to what going on and to put the past behind them, thereby letting go of these feelings and an identity that is based on them, will be for them to work through the pain that they experienced all those years ago. This pain will have been automatically repressed by their brain and will be held in their brain and body. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone’s physical self will be seen by others, it doesn’t mean that their inner self will typically be seen by others. In general, this part of them could be hidden and this will mean that what is truly going on for them will be a mystery to others.
Along with this, what is taking place inside them could typically be something that they themselves are not aware of. When this is so, how they feel and most of their needs will be outside of their conscious awareness. Another Part At other times, they could end up isolating themselves from others, which will mean that their physical self will be hidden. This can be a time when they will be in touch with what is taking place inside them. Then again, this could also be a time when they are not aware of what is going on inside them. If they are aware of what is going on inside them, they could do what they can to disconnect from it. A Painful Time This is likely to show that they are carrying a lot of pain and losing touch with their inner world is a way for them to feel better about themselves. If they were to simply sit with how they feel, they could end up feeling very low and depressed. What they could do, to avoid how they feel, is to consume something or engage in some kind of activity. Other than this, being practically always on the go could be another way for them to keep a distance between what is going on inside them. One Big Act When they are around others, what will be normal is for them to play a role. By not having a good connection to themselves, how they behave will be a consequence of what will allow them to please others and what they believe will allow this to occur. Another way to look at this would be to say that as they are out of touch with their true self, they will end up expressing a false self. This false self won’t be guided by their needs and feelings; it will be guided by other people’s needs and feelings. Isolated When they are not connected to themselves around another, it won’t be possible for them to truly connect to them. Their disconnected, false self won’t allow this to take place, and this is why they won’t need to isolate themselves in order to feel alone. It could be a challenge for them to look another person in the eye too, with this causing them to feel uncomfortable. They might only be able to hold eye contact for a few seconds and then feel the need to look away or down. Suffering In silence At this point in time, they might be able to handle the pain they are in and to just about keep it together and function. But, there could come a point in time when they are no longer able to do so. Yet, while they will need to reach out for support, they could do what they can to keep what is going on for them to themselves. This will take a lot of energy and they won’t be able to keep this up forever. It’s Too Much Based on how they behave, it will be as if they are in an invisible prison; they will be free to reach out for support and reveal what is going on for them but this won’t be something that they will be able to accept. Deep down, they could believe that the only way that their life will change is if they were to end it. If someone in their life was to become aware of this, they could be shocked by what is going on for them and wonder why they are this way. As far as they are concerned, there could be nothing wrong with them and no reason for them to hide what is truly going on for them. A Deeper Look What this can show is that they believe that there is something inherently wrong with them and that the only for them to survive is by hiding themselves. If they don’t do this and were to express how they feel and their needs, so their true self, they could believe that they will be rejected and abandoned. This is likely to show that they are carrying a fair amount of toxic shame and this will have permeated their whole being. It then won’t be that they just feel shame; it will be that they are made of shame. Way Back This is why ending their life can be seen as their only way out of the hell that they are living in, as this will be the only way for them to let go of the shame that they are carrying. If this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, there is a strong chance that their early years were not very nurturing. During this stage of their life, they may have had at least one parent who was anything but loving and supportive. This parent may have often been verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. Straight In As they were egocentric at this stage of their life, they would have personalised what took place. Thanks to this, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them and that this was why they were being treated like they were nothing. In reality, how they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for their parent. In all likelihood, this parent was a deeply wounded human bang who was carrying a lot of shame due to how they were treated as a child. Seeing Clearly This is something that could go back even further, with this being something that has been going on for many generations. The truth is that what took place wasn’t their fault and they have inherent worth. But, for them to gradually realise this at the core of their being, they will probably have many, many layers of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In life, there will be hurdles that are both big and small that need to be overcome but that doesn’t mean that someone will believe that they have what it takes to handle these. Before they even come into contact with a hurdle, they could feel hopeless and helpless.
Therefore, before they have even entered the race, so to speak, they will be in a bad way and won’t believe that they can complete it. Sticking with this analogy, this can mean that they typically won’t even bother entering the race. On The Sidelines If so, they will spend a lot of their life on the outside looking in; watching others overcome different challenges and achieving their goals in the process. When it comes to their own life, then, they are typically just going to be going through the motions. This can mean that they will live a life that is anything but fulfilling, with them simply doing their best to survive. If this is just what is normal, there will be no reason for them to try to change their life. How it is But, even if they were to step back and to become consciously aware of how they experience life, they are unlikely to believe that they can do anything about it. Due to how they often feel, this can just be seen as how their life is. Their only option will be to do their best to tolerate the hell that they live in and perhaps to hope that it will change one day. It can be as though someone or something out there will need to change in order for their life to change Inner State As they have the tendency to feel hopeless and helpless, it is likely to mean that they will spend a lot of time in an emotionally collapsed state. This will show that their parasympathetic nervous system is often activated. They will often feel very low and depressed and it will be as if they are in a very deep hole that they are unable to get out of. Being this way can make it hard for them to move their body, let alone take care of the basics. Existing At times, they could imagine what their life would be like if they were not this way and had what it took to go after their goals and to keep going no matter what. They could see that this would allow them to truly live, not just survive. Yet, as things stand, this will be nothing more than a pipe dream and something that is totally out of their reach. In general, they might prefer not to think about what they are missing out on as it will just make them feel even worse. A Strange Scenario On the one side, they will have been given life but, on the other, they won’t feel strong enough to handle life. This shows that something is not right as they should have the strength that they need. When it comes to those who are living a fulfilling life, it could be said that they will have the strength that they need. If this wasn’t the case, it wouldn’t be possible for them to live the life that they lead. What’s going on? If a time comes when they are able to step back and see that there has to be another way, they could wonder why their life is this way. What could enter their mind is that they are missing something that other people have. This is an outlook that will be strengthened if they have been this way for as long as they can remember. However, what if they are this way due to what took place during their formative years? Hidden If this hasn’t entered their mind, it is likely to show that their brain has blocked out most of what took place, which will stop their conscious mind from being able to join the dots, so to speak. With this information in mind, they are likely to be able to see why their life is the way that it is. This may have been a time when they were physically harmed and perhaps abandoned on a regular basis. In other words, they would have often felt hopeless and helpless and they were hopeless and helpless. One option As they were powerless and totally dependent on their parent or parents, there was absolutely nothing that they could do about what was going on. The only thing that could take place was for their brain to automatically repress how they felt and for them to go into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state. If they had tried to fight back or change what was going on, they probably would have suffered even more. Losing touch with what was going on both externally and internally was their only choice. It’s Over This stage of their life is well and truly over, that much is clear; nonetheless, the pain that they experienced will still be held inside their brain and body and their nervous system will often be in the collapsed state that it was forced to be in all those years ago. Taking this into account, purely changing what is taking place in their mind is not going to allow them to transform their life. What it might do is allow them to push how they truly feel further down but that will be about as far as it goes. The key will be for them to work through the pain that is held inside them and this will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone is in a position where they struggle to feel good about themselves, their life is likely to be far harder than it needs to be. For one thing, they are seldom going to experience positive feelings.
As a result of this, they are likely to spend a lot of time feeling low and they might not believe that they deserve to experience life differently. In fact, it might not even occur to them that there is another way for them to experience life. The Norm Therefore, how they experience life will just be how it is and there will be absolutely nothing that they can do about it. If they don’t feel low, it could be because they have been able to disconnect from how they feel. But, before long, their change in mood is likely to come to an end, with them falling right back down once more. This can be a time when they feel worthless, bad and they could experience self-hate. Totally Isolated When they feel this way, they might do what they can to be by themselves and avoid others. While being supported by another during this time would serve them, this could be the last thing on their mind. Reaching out might not ever cross their mind but if it does, this could be seen as too much of a risk. Based on how they feel, they could believe that reaching out and opening up about what is going on for them would cause them to be rejected and abandoned. Trapped If they felt this way when they were around another or others, they could still keep what is going on for them to themselves. During this time, they can hide how they feel and their need for support and understanding and create the impression that everything is fine. Or, if this doesn’t take place, they might not be completely transparent about what is going on for them. Consequently, they will be free to express themselves, but it will be as if they are living in an invisible prison. One Option When they do fall right down and are loaded up with a pervading sense of badness and hate, they might believe that the only way that their life will change is if they end it. This will then be seen as being far better than reaching out and being ostracised and left to die. Keeping how they feel at bay when they are around others and handling this pain when they are by themselves is going to take a lot out of them. So, to try to cope, they might often end up drinking, taking drugs and/or overeating. A Helping Hand Ultimately, they will engage in one or all of these things as well as others to make themselves feel better. By not having access to the love that is inside them, they will need to look towards external sources to soothe themselves. What will also play a part is that they don’t feel comfortable reaching out to people, so these options will fill in the gap, so to speak. If, for example, they do reach out to others, this could mean that they will have casual encounters and this still won’t be a time when they actually open up. A Miserable Existence What is clear is that the sooner they are able to reach out for support, the sooner they will be able to put an end to the hell that they are living in. The trouble is that due to how they feel about themselves, they won’t feel worthy of experiencing life differently. However, there might be a small part of them that doesn’t believe that they are worthless and that there is another way for them to experience life. This part of them can then allow them to co-create an experience that will allow them to change their life. A Step Forward If there is and they do have an experience that allows them to see life differently, they could end up wondering why they are this way. They might see that they have more or less always felt bad, not liked themselves and had the need to hide who they are. What this can show is that their early years were not very nurturing but, as their brain has blocked out what took place to protect them, they are unable to join the dots, so to speak. This may have been a stage of their life when they were abused and/or neglected. A Brutal Time Thanks to this, they would have been deprived of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. How they were treated was a reflection of how wounded one or both of their parents were but, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that one or both of these people were deeply damaged; no, it was that there was something inherently wrong with them. The hate and disdain that was around them would have been internalised as would their abusive parent or parents. A Natural Outcome As they were deprived of what they needed, they won’t have developed a felt sense of safety, security, worth, deserving or love. Instead, they will have developed a felt sense of vulnerability, insecurity worthlessness, undeserving and being unlovable. The pain that they experienced throughout their developmental years will have been automatically repressed and it will now be held in their brain and body. For them to transform their life, they will probably need to work through this pain, and this will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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If, after coming to see that they were abused and/or neglected during their early years, someone might feel the need to talk about what they went through. At this stage, they might not feel comfortable speaking to one or both of their parents about it.
Still, although they can have this need, it doesn’t mean that they will take the next step. They could worry about what another person will think of them if they open up about their early experiences. Resistance When it comes to who they are thinking of opening up to, this could be a close friend or their partner. If they were to open up to this person, they could believe that they would end up being judged. Along with this, they could believe that they will end up being rejected and that this person will end up pulling away. What could also be at the back of their mind is that what they say won’t be taken seriously and will just be dismissed. A Heavy Weight Keeping what they have been through to themselves will be a lot for them to handle but sharing it will be seen as being far worse. After holding it all in for a little while, they may decide to take the next step. By doing this, they may find that they are given the support and understanding that they need and are not judged, rejected, or dismissed. Thanks to being responded to in this way, they could feel relieved and grateful. A Number of Benefits Opening up about what happened won’t have changed what they went through or necessarily have allowed them to heal anything but it will have allowed them to share something that has been weighing them down. And, as it has been said that we are only as sick as our secrets, this will be an important step. Keeping this all to themselves will have been incredibly difficult and by opening up and bridging the gap between them and the people in their life or at least one person, they are likely to feel a lot lighter and not as alone as they felt before. This is likely to be the case even if they have only opened up to a therapist at this stage. Another Part However, although they will have done the right thing by opening up, they could find that they soon feel guilty for what they have done. Before long, they could feel as though they have betrayed their parent or parents. What this could then do is unlock early wounds that relate to being rejected and abandoned and/or harmed. If so, before they opened up, they would have been carrying a heavy burden but they might have felt more settled. A Strong Need To try to settle themselves down again, they could do something to try to change how they feel. If they are still in contact with one or both of their parents, they could end up calling them or paying them a visit and offer to do something for them. So, perhaps just like when they were a powerless and dependent child, they will have become very submissive in the hope that this will stop them from being abandoned and/or harmed. This will also be a time when they are there for their parent or parents and are not connected to themselves or their own needs. The Way Forward Now, regardless of it they do or don’t reach out to one or both of their parents during this time, what is clear is that they are not doing anything wrong. They are doing the right thing by opening up about what they went through as will play an important part in what will allow them to heal and live a life that is worth living. Keeping what they went through to themselves and suffering in silence, on the other hand, wouldn’t have served them. After all, they are simply sharing what they went through, not doing what they can to make one or both of their parents look bad and are thus, not engaging in slander. Stepping Back What they can consider, at this point, is that if there has been a betrayal, it was something that they experienced during their developmental years. If this hasn’t entered their mind before and they find it hard to accept now, it is likely to be due to how beaten down they were by one or both of their parents. As a result of the abuse and/or neglect that they experienced, they might not have developed a felt sense of safety, worth, deserving or love. The fact that they were the ones who were mistreated is then not going to fully stand out as they won’t believe that they have value, are lovable or deserve to be treated well. Drawing the Line Therefore, by speaking out about what happened and reaching out for the assistance that they need, they will be going against the messages that they both, directly and indirectly, received as a child. Namely, that they were bad, had no right to exist, had no value, had no voice, were unlovable, had to hide their needs and feelings, and had to tolerate being mistreated. Ultimately, they may have been treated as though they were nothing as a child and didn’t matter, but this is not the truth. The truth is that they have inherent value and do matter, and this means that their life matters. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After coming to see that their early years were anything but nurturing, someone could spend a fair amount of time trying to get through to their parent/parents. This could be something that hasn’t been going on for very long.
Then again, this could be something that has been taking place for a number of years. If it has been going on for quite some time, it will mean that they have spent a lot of their time and energy trying to make headway. A Dead End However, regardless of how long this has been going on and, consequently, how much time and energy they have expended, they might not have been able to get very far. In fact, they might not have made any progress whatsoever. But, while what they are doing won’t be working, it doesn’t mean that they will stop behaving in this way. No matter how many setbacks they receive trying to have what they went through validated, they could continue. A Miserable Existence Being in a position where their parent, assuming it is one parent, is not able to acknowledge what they put them through is going to be hard for them to handle. Before they speak to them, they could get their hopes up and believe that it will be different this time. Whilst they are speaking to them, they could feel ignored, rejected and worthless. And, after they have spoken to them, they could feel guilty and totally hopeless and helpless, and they could be filled with anger and rage. Up and Down What this will show is that this parent will have a lot of control over how they feel and this is likely to impact other areas of their life. So, after they have tried to get through to them, they could feel down for a little while after. Or it could be even worse, with them feeling deeply depressed and they might even think about ending it all. Ultimately, they are not going to be in a good way as it is and looking for their parent to truly be there for them is just going to make things worse. External Feedback If a close friend or family member was to become aware of what is going on for them, they could say that they just need to move on. They could see how much harm it is causing them and no longer want to see them suffer. Now, they might be able to see this but it doesn’t mean that they will just be able to draw the line. Before long, they could end up doing the same thing all over again and experience the same outcome. Stepping Back If, at this point, they were able to step back from what is going on, they might wonder why they are behaving in this way. It will be crystal clear that this is not working and is causing them a lot of unnecessary harm. What would be rational would be for them to accept that this parent, due to their own wounds, simply couldn’t provide them with what they needed all those years ago and can’t provide them with what they feel they need now. So, no matter how hard they try and how long this goes on, it is highly unlikely that this parent’s behaviour will change. Two Choices Taking this into account, they can either continue to suffer unnecessarily or they can cut their ties and move on. Yet, although they will be able to see that this is so, another part of them won’t be able to accept this. This part of them will feel compelled to receive their parent’s validation and it won’t give up until it is received. After realising this, they could wonder why this part of them is this way. What’s going on? When it comes to the part of them that doesn’t want to let go and is like a dog with a bone, this part of them will be looking to fulfil the needs that were not met during their developmental years. This part of them will be frozen in time and won’t be able to see that this stage is over. Another way of looking at this would be to say that their emotional self or child self has no sense of time and this is why this part of them can’t see this stage is over and that these needs will never be met. The outcome of this is that it will give them the need to continually look for what wasn’t provided all those years ago. Repetition Compulsion Thanks to this, they will be a walking definition of insanity; doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Yet, as painful as it will be for them to behave in this way, the alternative will be seen as being far worse. If they were to face up to the fact that this stage of their life is over and these needs will never be met, they would end up coming into contact with how they felt when these needs were not met. At the time, this pain would have automatically been repressed by their brain to allow them to keep it together and survive. The way out is in Facing this pain, working through it and becoming a more integrated human being in the process will take courage and patience and persistence. In the beginning, they might not be able to do this by themselves. By being supported by another, they will be able to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. Working through the layers and layers of pain inside them will allow them to gradually accept that these unmet developmental needs will never be met and to no longer look towards their parent for what they simply can’t give them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was able to step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they have very little motivation or desire to do anything. They might simply not see the point in doing much.
This can be how they typically experience life and they might rarely if ever feel a strong need to embrace life. When they do feel the need to do something and feel energised, it might only be a matter of time before they end up feeling how they felt before. For Example Throughout their life, they may have experienced one of the following scenarios at least once. After meeting someone and getting into a relationship, they might have ended up getting their hopes up and started to feel full of life and then, before long, this relationship could have come to an end. Along with this, they may have started a new job and been looking forward to the future, only for them to lose the job before long. By thinking about the moments in their life when this and/or something like it has taken place, they could believe that this is why they spend so much time in a place of despair. It Makes Sense Considering what they have been through, and the fact that they may have had so many setbacks, it could be said that how they typically feel will be perfectly normal. It will be as though there is someone or something ‘out there’ that is holding them back. Consequently, taking the first step towards something will be seen as a waste of time and something that will only cause them to suffer. Not moving forward and going after what they desire will still cause them pain but it will be seen as being a less painful option. A Miserable Existence Thanks to this, their main priority will be to avoid the pain that they would experience if they were to move toward what they desire. Thus, to say that they will merely be existing is likely to be an understatement. What is clear is that they are seldom going to experience happiness or joy, and having the feeling of being on the right track will also be something that largely eludes them. Based on how they live their life, they won’t be able to make their mark and will simply be making up the numbers a lot of the time. Externally Driven When they do take action, this can mostly be due to them needing to do it to survive and because another person is pushing them forward. So, when it comes to the former, this can be a time when they will go to work or shopping. As for the latter, this could show that someone else has asked them if they want to go out or has invited them to something. Even so, they are not going to be emotionally connected to what they do. Flat Yet, as they will spend a lot of time in a place of despair, it will mean that they will often be in an emotionally collapsed state. This will illustrate that their parasympathetic nervous system will often be activated. If they don’t feel totally hopeless and helpless, then, they could just feel numb and be indifferent. At this point, they could believe that this is how their life will always be and that they just have to do their best to tolerate what is going on. A Strange Scenario Now, as setbacks are part of life, it could be said that they shouldn’t be affected by them in this way. Instead of being completely floored and unable to get back up for quite some time, as well as feeling totally defeated in general, they should be able to get back on their feet before long and feel strong and capable. Not only would this allow them to make progress but it would stop them from living in a place of despair. The big question is: why are they so affected by setbacks and why do they lack the level of resilience that is needed to handle life? A Deeper Look What this may show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were often neglected. All through this time, they would have felt hopeless and helpless and they were hopeless and helpless; there was nothing that they could do as they were powerless and totally dependent at this stage of their life. The only option that was available was for their brain to automatically repress how they felt and for them to go into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state. This would have meant that they were pushed out of their body and had to live on the surface of themselves. Replaying The Past What took place all those years ago will be over, that much is clear; however, their brain and body won’t have truly moved on. The pain that had to be repressed all those years ago will be held in their brain and body. And, whenever they experience a setback, some of this pain will enter their conscious awareness, wiping them out in the process. But, as they are carrying so much pain, they are generally going to be in a low place anyway. A Process For them to be able to handle setbacks and move out of this collapsed state, they will probably need to work through the pain that is inside them. This is not going to happen overnight, though; it will take patience and persistence. Furthermore, it will take courage as, while this is a simple process, it is not something that is easy. If someone has had enough of living in this way and can’t bear to continue, they may have the drive to keep going, no matter what. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Free Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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