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Although someone can believe that they are bad, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. The trouble is that even if they are not aware of this, it is still likely to have a massive effect on their life.
This belief is going to be running at a deeper level and it won’t be possible for them to do anything about it. Once they become aware of what is going on, however, they will be able to do something about it. A Miserable Existence Until that time, their life is unlikely to be very fulfilling. But, as they are not aware of what is going on, they won’t be able to find out why their life is the way that it is. For one thing, it is likely to be normal for them to feel down and even depressed, if not suicidal. It might not matter what the weather is like or what is going on in their life, as they could often feel very low. Inaction Still, instead of stepping back from what is going on and reaching out for the support that they deserve, they could just tolerate how they feel. They might not say this to themselves, but they won’t believe that they deserve to feel better. In fact, there is a strong chance that feeling this way is what feels comfortable. Therefore, if they were to feel better, they could end up feeling very uncomfortable and even experience guilt. Self-Sabotage If ever something positive happens to them, then, this could be a time when they feel that something isn’t right. They could have a strong feeling of being unworthy of whatever it is that is taking place. A big part of them will want their life to go back to how it was and they could unconsciously do something that will allow this to happen. When this happens, a part of them could feel frustrated and helpless but another, more powerful part of them, will feel comfortable again. For Example After working hard for many, many years and finally earning a promotion, one could feel like an imposter. The reality is that they will be worthy of what is taking place but they won’t be able to accept this. They could end up experiencing obsessive thoughts, with these thoughts being largely focused on how unworthy and undeserving they are. Also, they could believe that, sooner or later, they will be found out. One Big Challenge Thus, if one has been able to experience success in at least one area of their life, they won’t be able to truly embrace what is going on. If they are doing well in their career, it will be as though they have been given something that doesn’t belong to them. As a result of this, it will be as if they have stolen their success from someone else. Through being this way, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they often experience anxiety and fear. A Mismatch There is going to be how they live their life and there is going to be how they feel, and these two things are not going to match. If one was to describe their life to someone else, this person could see them as a ‘model citizen’ and believe that they deserve to live a great life. If one was able to take a step back and to reflect on how they feel, they may find that they generally don’t feel good about themselves. When it comes to why they feel this way, they might not be able to come up with an answer. An Analogy One way to look at this would be to say that it’s a bit like what would happen if someone was to do something very bad and had their memory wiped. Consequently, they wouldn’t remember what they did but the emotional pain that they experienced would have stayed with them. The outcome of this is that one would feel very bad and have no idea why they felt this way. It’s a bit like having part of a picture; without the other half, it simply won’t make sense. Going Deeper Now, the reason why one will feel bad but not know why can be due to their mind having blocked out what took place during their early years. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Ultimately, what took place had nothing to do with them; the trouble is that as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, what happened would have been personalised. It was then not that their caregivers were in a bad way; it was that they were inherently flawed, bad and defective, for instance. Amnesia To handle the pain that they were in, they would have had to disconnect from themselves. It wouldn’t have been safe for them to stay in their body, to be embodied; living on the surface of themselves would have been their only option. The years would then have passed and, thanks to the defences that their mind put in place to protect them, they would have forgotten all about what happened. Their body wouldn’t have forgotten, though, which is why they would have continued to feel as they did all those years ago and had no idea why. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. Taking this into account, it is time for one to no longer take responsibility for a crime that they didn’t commit. A big part of letting go of what happened will be for them to forgive themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If someone was to take a step back and to reflect on their own behaviour, they may see that they have the inclination to hide their own needs. They may see that, in general, this is something that just happens.
It is then not going to be something that they always think about doing; it will often take place automatically. Naturally, this is going to mean that a lot of their needs are rarely, if ever, met. Not Their Own Island As they are an interdependent human being, they are going to need other people to meet certain needs. There are then going to be the needs that they can take care of and the needs that they can’t take care of. Through keeping certain needs to themselves, then, they are likely to spend a lot of time ‘running on empty’. They will be like a vehicle that desperately needs attention but does its best to keep going. Two Parts The other part of this is that one could have the tendency to hide their needs from themselves. Ergo not only are other people going to struggle to understand what it is that they need, they will also be in the same position. If they were to look back on their life, they may find that they have often come across as though they are needless. Nonetheless, this won’t have always been something that they did to deceive others; it will have often been a consequence of them being out of touch with their own needs. Their Focus Whenever this has taken place, they may have been focused on another person’s needs. Their own needs will have been put to one side and the other person’s needs will have taken centre stage. By behaving in this way, it may have allowed them to receive a fair amount of approval and to have even met some of their needs indirectly. There is the chance that most of the people in their life see them as being ‘selfless’ and only too happy to be there for them. A Build-Up But, even if one has often behaved in this way around others, their inner experience will have been very different. If they have done their best to keep their true feelings at bay, they could find that they often feel frustrated and depressed. The pain of not being there for themselves will have compounded over the years, having a negative impact on them in the process. Still, whenever it has come to their attention, they may have done their best to push it out of their conscious mind. Self-Neglect So, what is going to be normal for someone like this is to overlook their own needs, which means that they are overlooking themselves. Their needs are important, just as important as anyone else’s needs. With this in mind, it shows that something isn’t right. What they should feel comfortable with is paying attention to their needs and doing what they can to meet them. A Closer Look If one does what they can to hide their needs from others and themselves, it is likely to be due to what took place during their early years. This may have been a time when their needs were seldom met. Instead of having caregivers who provided ‘good enough care’, these people may have often left them and, even when they were around, they might not have been emotionally available. The outcome of this is that they wouldn’t have received the care or the level of attunement that they needed to be able to grow and develop. The Fall Out As they were egocentric at this stage of their life, how they were being treated would have been taken personally. It was then not that they were left because their caregivers had their own issues; no, it was because they themselves were bad and worthless. These experiences would have caused them to develop a shame-based identity and the expression of their needs would have been associated as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned. Consequently, disconnecting from this part of them would have been seen as the only way for them to keep their caregivers around and thus, to survive. Replaying The Past Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but at a deeper level, being connected to their true-self and expressing their needs will still be seen as a threat to their very survival. Expressing their needs will be seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned all over again, and for their life to come to an end. The truth is that not only is what took place is over but that they survived what happened. However, as their body is still carrying the pain of what took place and their mind still has the associations that were formed all those years ago, it won’t be possible for them to know that it’s over. Awareness For them to know, at the core of their being, that what happened is over and to express their needs, they will need to work through this pain and to change these associations. This will partly take place by grieving their unmet childhood needs. To do this, they may need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or healer. With their presence and support, one will be able to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves and to process their pain and to change their associations.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
During someone’s early years, the ideal will be for them to receive what they need so that they can live their own life as an adult. This will then be a time, then, when they will grow on the outside and grow on the inside.
Therefore, the first birth will have taken place, the physical birth, and the second birth will also take place, the emotional birth. Their outer self will continue to grow through receiving the right nutrients and their inner self will grow through receiving the right care and guidance. Individuation Thanks to this, they will look like an individual and they will also be able to act like one. They will be in touch with their own needs and feelings, their true-self, and they will feel safe enough to express who they are. So, as the years go by and it is down to them lead their own life, they will be able to look within for guidance and feel strong enough to follow this guidance. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that they will lead a life that completely reflects who they are as their early experiences will still have influenced them. A Process What this illustrates is that one won’t fully separate from their caregivers even if their early years were ‘good enough’ or better than good enough. There will still be things that they need to let go off that don’t reflect who they truly are. There will also be views and beliefs that they have picked up from other influences such as the education system and their society that they will need to let go of. Ultimately, letting go of what is not them will be a lifelong process. A Massive Help Fortunately, as they received what they needed to start this process, they will have solid foundations. With these foundations in place, they can continue to move forward and to create a life that is more aligned with their true essence. If they didn’t have a strong sense of self and were not aware of their own needs and feelings, they would lead a very different life. It is unlikely to be a life that is deeply meaningful and fulfilling. Another Reality As a result of what their life is like, it might be hard for them to comprehend what it would be like to live in this way. How they experience life will just be what is normal and what they are accustomed to. When someone doesn’t live as they do, their life is going to have very little to do with what is taking place inside them. There is even the chance that, in general, one won’t even be aware of what their needs and feelings are. A Bleak Existence Their point of focus could primarily be on what is taking place externally and they could be more like an extension of others than a separate being. One is then going to be nothing more than a supporting actor in their own story. They may be used to receiving a fair amount of approval but, no matter how much approval they receive, it won’t make up for the fact that they are not living their own life. Through experiencing life in this way, they could be used to feeling frustrated and angry and they could spend a fair amount of time feeling deeply helpless. Developmentally Stunted They may blame themselves for what is going on, seeing themselves as weak and incapable. However, what they are going through is likely to be due to them not receiving what they needed to receive as a child. Unlike the person above, their physical self will have grown but their emotional self will have stayed in an undeveloped state. This would have stopped them from being able to emotionally separate from their primary caregiver and to get very far on the individuation process, or to even to start this process. Stuck in The Past As a child, they would have seen themselves as an extension of their primary caregiver, and by receiving the right care they would have been able to move through this stage. Yet, as this care wasn’t provided, they wouldn’t have been able to move beyond this stage. The outcome of this is that they won’t have developed a strong sense of themselves or realise, at the core of their being, that they are emotionally separate from others. Deep down, they will believe that their survival depends on pleasing others, as it did when they were a child. Trapped In the Mirror Considering this, even if there are moments when they are able to connect to their true-self, it won’t be possible for them to listen to this part of them. Acting as an individual, as opposed to an extension of others, will be seen being too much of a risk. If they were to act as an individual and to have their own life, they are likely to believe that they will be abandoned. To the child part of them, other people will be seen as their caregivers and so, to be left by another person, will cause them to die. Awareness In order for one to break away and to create their own reality, no longer being stuck in other people’s realities, they will need to face and work through their childhood wounds. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer. Someone like this can also provide one with the positive regard, or love, that they need to develop a strong sense of self. This is something that will take patience and persistence.
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Oliver JR Cooper
If someone was to take a step back and to reflect on their life, they may find that it is more or less impossible for them to get angry. Or, if they can get angry, they may find that they don’t get angry when they need to.
Either way, through not being able to get angry when they need to, they are likely to suffer unnecessarily. If they were to think about how long they have been this way for, they may find that they have pretty much always been this way. A Closer Look One could often be treated badly and, instead of standing their ground, they just tolerate what is going on. In some people’s eyes, one could be seen as a doormat and someone who lacks backbone. This could be something that takes place when they are at work and with family and friends. If they are in an intimate relationship, the same thing could take place, and if they are not, it could be what has taken place in the past. Another Experience Along with this, one could put up with things that are not serving them as opposed to doing something about them. For example, an area of their life might not be going as they want it to but this won’t be enough for them to make the necessary changes. Therefore, not only will they be used to being treated like dirt, but their whole life can be anything but fulfilling. It is then not going to be a surprise if they often feel down and depressed and question their reason for being here. Inner Fuel Ultimately, their anger will be an expression of their life force and something that is there to protect them. With this in mind, if they don’t have a good connection with this part of them, they are naturally going to lack energy and to be an easy target. For them to make the most of their life force and, thereby to have energy and to stand their ground, they will need to integrate their anger or to be more precise, their aggression. Their anger will come from their aggression/fight instinct. Confusion Now, considering how important this part of their being is, it can seem strange as to why this part of them would have been disowned. Based on what is going on, it is clear that this is not serving them. However, although this can be seen as the truth on one level, on another level there is likely to be more to it. In other words, if one was to make what is going on in their unconscious mind conscious, in regards to this, they might soon find that it is serving them. A Matter of Survival At a deeper level, one could believe that they will only survive if they keep this part of their nature at bay. What is taking place, then, will be causing them to suffer but it won’t be seen as being as bad as the alternative. Upon realising this, their conscious mind could find it hard to understand why they have this outlook. As far as this part is concerned, this could be seen as something that is totally irrational. One Option If one was to reach out for support at this stage, they could soon come to think that they just need to change what they believe. Thus, once they change what is going on in their mind, their life will start to change. This approach may work but what it probably won’t do is enable them to develop a deeper understanding of themselves. Further, it most likely won’t allow them to deal with the baggage that is being held inside their body. Another Option Alternatively, if one was to look into why they have these ‘negative’ beliefs, they will be able to attain a deeper understating of what is going on. Through getting out of their head and connecting to their body, they may find that they are carrying a lot of emotional pain. They could soon see that asserting themselves is perceived as something that will cause them to be rejected and abandoned. This could be a time when they will feel like a small child. Childhood Neglect What this could illustrate is that it wasn’t safe enough for them to be in tune with their needs and to assert themselves during their early years. If they did this, they may have often been abandoned. Consequently, they would have soon learnt that they had to disconnect from themselves and to do what their caregiver/s wanted in order to survive. Behaving in this way would set them up to suffer as time went by, but at this stage of their life, expressing their true-self wasn’t their priority. Two Parts In the beginning, one would have made it clear whenever they were not happy with something and then, as time passed, they would have disconnected from their needs and feelings. Their caregiver/s may have found them challenging at first and as time passed, and after one had lost touch with their true-self, they may have seen them as a 'well behaved' and ‘good’ child. There is the chance that their caregiver/s was reminded of something that they themselves didn’t want to face when one expressed themselves. So, to push this pain out of their conscious awareness, they had to silence their child. Awareness Maybe, the same thing also happened to them when they were younger, which means that this neglect was passed on from one generation to another. What happened to them would have caused them to disconnect from their true-self and to create a false-self; a false-self that allowed them to keep their deep pain at bay. If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
For around the first two or three years of someone’s life, they will see themselves as an extension of their mother. During this time, they won’t be able to realise that they are physically separate from this person.
Through being this way, their mother is going to more or less define their experience, not to mention whether or not they survive. So, their inner state will be totally dependent on their mother. A Mirror In a way, it will be as if they are a mirror for their mother’s emotional state. Therefore, assuming that one feels comfortable with this person, whether or not they feel calm and soothed will depend on if they are around this person and on if this person is also calm. What this means is that if this person is unsettled, they are also likely to end up feeling unsettled. The fact that this person is there won’t be enough to soothe them as it usually would as a result of their inner state. One Reality What stands out here is not only that one won’t have their own sense of self at this stage of their life; they will also be incredibly empathic or tuned into their caregiver. Having this ability is a vital part of their ability to survive. Tuning into this person will be a way for them to adapt whenever it is necessary and as a result of how dependent they are this will be an essential ability. Their mother’s world will be their world and they will do everything they can to stay noticed in this world. Individuation Now, as long as their mother provides them with ‘good enough’ care, their sense of self will slowly develop throughout this period and after a few years, with their help of their father, they will start to separate from their mother. Ones fight instinct/aggression will have kicked in, giving them the urge to break away and to explore the world. This is not a case of one going from one experience to another, though; as this will be a time when they will continually go from one experience to the other. After they have explored, they will come back to their mother to make sure that she is still there and to emotionally refuel. Strong Energetic Boundaries This stage is essential as it is something that will allow them to go from being enmeshed to their mother to being emotionally separate from her. It will allow them to know, at the core of their being, that they are not an extension of this person; to know where they begin and end and where their mother begins and ends. This will allow them to have their own reality as opposed to being caught up in their mother’s reality. In other words, their emotional state will no longer be defined by their mother’s emotional state and they will be able to act as an autonomous human being. Self-Activation Consequently, this will allow them to fully show up in the outside world as they won’t have the tendency to lose themselves and to merge with others. They will feel safe enough and strong enough to act as an individual. Their life will be a reflection of who they are, not a reflection of what other people want it to look like. This will be a life that is in alignment with who they are and thus, a life that is worth living. A Different Experience What has just been described is not something that always takes place and when it doesn’t, someone won’t receive what they need to receive in order to individuate and to activate themselves. This stage of someone’s life won’t be a time when will have a mother who is emotionally available and in tune with their needs; they will have a mother who is neglectful and emotionally unavailable. They will be like a plant that doesn’t receive the nutrients that it needs and this will stop the plant from growing. Along with this, their father could also be emotionally unavailable or absent, which will stop them from receiving the support and guidance that they need as the years go by to start the individuation process. Developmentally Stunted The years will pass and their physical self will change, but their inner, emotional self will stay in an undeveloped state and how they experience life will have a lot in common with how a small child experiences life. As they didn’t receive the care that they needed, they will continue to see themselves as an extension of others. On the inside, they will be like an empty vessel and so, whether or not they feel safe, secure, valued, loved or even happy will depend on what is being mirrored back to them. What is going on around them is then going to be in control of their emotional state and how they behave. Boundaryless Not only can they effortlessly take on other people’s emotional states, they can also just as easily be affected by energy, smells, sounds and other things, both seen and unseen, in their environment. It will be like they are a blank screen and other people can just project whatever is going for them onto them. This will make it easier for people to hold them accountable for what they themselves are accountable for and for one to feel responsible for things that they are not responsible for. By not having strong energetic boundaries, it will be incredibly difficult for their true-self to see the light of day. Analogy When it comes to maintaining their sense of self around others, it will be very similar to what happens to a candle in the wind. This small flame won’t stand a chance and will soon be blown out. Without the inner strength and protection that is needed to assert themselves, they will be overwhelmed by the outside world. This will naturally cause them to experience a lot of anger and frustration, and they could be used to feeling powerless and helpless. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
When someone becomes an adult, it will be clear that they are no longer a child. This stage of their life will be over and this will mean that their needs will be different from what they once were.
As a child, they would have been dependent on others; whereas now that they are an adult, this will no longer be the case – they will be interdependent. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they would have needed a lot during this time and wouldn’t have been able to give much in return, but now this will have changed. A Time of Receiving Not only would they have needed to be fed and for their basic survival needs to be met, they would have also needed a lot of nurturance. In a way, it would have been as though they had a black hole inside them that couldn’t be filled. But, as time went by and they continually received the nurturance that they needed, this hole would have gradually been filled. This would have allowed them to experience their second birth, the ‘emotional birth’. Two Births Naturally, their first birth would have been a physical birth and this would have been a time when their physical self came into existence. At this stage, their physical body would have been undeveloped and their emotional self wouldn’t have been developed. Their physical, inner self would have continued to grow and their emotional, inner self would have grown thanks to what their caregivers did for them. What this illustrates is that one wouldn’t have been born with a sense of self; this had to be developed with the help of others. A Very Slow Process As the care that they received, was at the very least, ‘good enough’, they would have developed a sense of self that would enable them to live life as an interdependent adult. Thousands and thousands of loving interactions, year after year, would have been what made this possible. By having a strong sense of self, it will mean that they will have developed a felt sense of safety, security, personal power and self-love. Additionally, they will have the ability to regulate their own emotions. Well-Adjusted Through going through this second birth, they are likely to typically feel whole and complete. Further, their true-self, the part of them that will have been supported throughout their early years, will supply them with the support and encouragement that they need to handle the ups and downs of life. During the beginning of their life, they would have been an empty vessel but not anymore. The connection to themselves and their inner sense of wholeness will also allow them to deeply connect with others. Another Scenario Now, even though someone is an adult, it doesn’t mean that they will have all the inner resources that another adult will have. What is taking place externally is then not going to match up with what is going on internally. If how they feel on the inside was to define their appearance, instead of their actual appearance, they could look like a very small child. Through being this way, not only will they have needed a lot as a child, but they will still need a lot as an adult. Developmentally Stuck Ultimately, they wouldn’t have received what they needed to receive as a child; the care that they received would have been anything but ‘good enough’. Since this stage of their life, their physical self, and even their intellectual and spiritual self, will have grown yet that could be about as far as it will go. It then won’t matter that one is no longer a child as they will feel like a child and be about as resourceful a small child due to their level of emotional development. Therefore, just because they didn’t receive what they needed at this stage of their life, it doesn’t mean that they will have grown out of this stage; it simply means that the needs that were not met then will have been carried forward. An Important Understanding As an adult, they could judge themselves for what is going on, seeing themselves as weak and incapable, but there will be no need for them to do this. Given what they went through as a child, it is perfectly normal for them to be this way. They simply didn’t receive what they needed to be able to experience a second birth; the emotional birth that would have allowed them to develop a strong sense of self. Keeping this in mind can make it easier for them to kind to themselves. A Deeply Traumatic Time During their formative years, they may have often been left and even when their caregiver was there for them, this person might have rarely been emotionally present. The outcome of this is that the nurturance and attunement that they needed to develop properly wouldn’t have been there on a regular basis, if at all. To have these experiences, day after day, week after week, year after year, would have been incredibly painful, and to deal with what was going on, they would have had to disconnect from themselves to handle what was going on and to survive. Along with this, they would have had to develop a false-self to function in this environment; this would have been an identity that was created on top of the pain that they were in. Build On Sand This false-self won’t have been built on anything solid as they won’t have received the care that they needed to form solid foundations. They won’t have developed a felt sense of safety, security, personal power or self-love. The ability to regulate their own emotions won't have been developed either and they will be totally out of the touch with the support and encouragement that their true-self would provide. Underneath the false-self that is kept in place, through behaving in a certain way and pleasing others, will be a deep sense of emptiness and a lot of emotional pain and trauma. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
If someone was to step back and to take a closer look at their own life, they may see that their life is out of balance. The reason for this is that they might give a lot but they might rarely receive anything back.
Through living in this way, they will almost certainly be used to running on empty. They may have trouble receiving what they need to survive, let alone to thrive, and this is going to cause them to suffer. Covered Up Now, although this could be something that the people in their life are aware of, there is also the chance that they are not. But, even if the people in their life are aware of this, it doesn’t mean that they will know exactly what is going on. As far as these people are concerned, one could just be seen as being ‘unlucky’ or ‘unfortunate’. Consequently, one could be seen as someone who needs to be saved/rescued. A Dysfunctional Dynamic If this is so, it could mean that one is used to being around people who appear to have it all together and who try to fix them. Here, part of them might appreciate what they do for them and part of them might find it a bit too much. It could be as though these people don’t respect their boundaries and get too involved in their life. Being treated in this way is likely to mean that they spend a fair amount of time feeling frustrated and angry. An Endless Amount of Approval Regardless of whether they spend time around people who are like this or not, they may receive a lot of positive feedback. This could one of the few things that they don’t have trouble receiving. If they could trade this approval in for other things, they probably wouldn’t be in the position that they are in. Unfortunately, this is not going to be something that is possible, which is why it won’t do much for them. Going Within If they were to put what is taking place externally to one side and to also put their anger and frustration to one side, it will give them the chance to look into why their life is the way that it is. At this point, it might seem strange as to how looking inside themselves will shed light on why their life is this way. If this is the case, it can show that they see themselves as nothing more than a powerless victim. What is going on ‘out there’ will then be something that is completely out of their control. In the Driver’s Seat However, the truth is that what is going on ‘out there’ is a reflection of what is taking place inside them. Therefore, in order for their life to truly change, they will need to deal with what is causing them to experience life in this way. One thing that they could do is to ask themselves if they believe that they deserve to receive things in general and to receive good things. At first, their mind could kick in and say that they do but, if they were to go a little deeper, they could experience a very different response. Shinning the Light During this time, they may come into contact with a lot of toxic shame and feel as though they don’t deserve anything. A deep sense of being unworthy of receiving anything and of life itself could fill their being. It will then be clear that even though they are on this earth, they don’t believe that they deserve to be here and to experience all that life has to offer. Due to this, it won’t matter what they do or what they contribute as it won’t change what they believe. Back In Time What this may show is that their early years were a time when they were basically treated like dirt. Perhaps one or both of their caregivers abused and/or neglected them on a weekly, if not daily, basis. This would have meant that they didn’t receive the love, care and nurturance that they needed to be able to develop in the right way. They wouldn’t have developed a felt sense of self-love or self-worth. Self-Image What they went through during this stage of their life wasn’t their fault and they didn’t deserve to be treated in this way, but as they were egocentric, what took place would have been personalised. As a result of this, what took place would have defined their view of themselves. Taking all this into account, it is not much of a surprise that one doesn’t believe that they deserve to receive anything. Without realising it, their being will have been hijacked by false beliefs and trauma. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When it comes to whether or not someone has a felt sense of their own worth, it can all depend on what their early years were like. Now, this is not to say that if someone’s early years were not very nurturing, it won’t be possible for them to develop it as an adult.
The truth is that this is something that can be developed at any stage of their life; however, in order for this to take place, they would first need to realise that they haven’t developed self-worth. Of course, without the awareness that there is an issue, there will be no reason for them to do anything about it. A Battle But, even if someone isn’t consciously aware of the fact that they don’t value themselves, this is still likely to be something that will have a big effect on how they behave. In this case, what is going on for them will have a massive effect on their life. For one thing, it could be normal for them to feel low and they could even spend a lot of time feeling depressed. This could be how their life has been for a very long time, meaning that it might not even occur to them that they have the tendency to be this way. Running Away At times, they may do or consume something that will enable them to avoid how they feel for a short period of time. If what they do doesn’t make them feel better, at the very least, it will allow them to put how they feel to one side. In general, this could be something that just happens. Therefore, they won’t consciously think about what they can do to change their inner world; they will just end up doing something. A Strong Need A large part of their life could be dedicated to pleasing others, with this being a way for them to experience positive feelings. Once again, they might not consciously be aware of what they are doing. A lot of what they do is then not going to be in alignment with their true needs; it will be a way for them to meet the needs of others. There is a strong chance that they are rarely even aware of their own needs. A Critical Voice The voice inside their head couldn’t continually lay into them and, in one way or another, tell them how bad they are. Due to how long this voice has undermined them, it might not occur to them that this is basically an intruder. This voice could be seen as their own conscience. It is then not that it is there to undermine them; it is that it is there to make sure that they don’t do or say anything bad or inappropriate. An Empty Vessel Ultimately, as they were not given the care that they needed to during their early years, they wouldn’t have been able to develop in the right way. So, in addition to not having a felt sense of self-worth, they might not have a felt sense of self-love either. One is then going to look whole on the outside, but they won’t feel whole on the inside. They will have had a physical birth but as they didn’t receive the love and nurturance that they needed, they won’t have had an emotional birth – something that would have allowed them to create a strong sense of self. A Rough Time This may have been a time when they were abused and neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Thus, they wouldn’t have been seen as a special and valuable human being; they would have been treated like dirt and seen as a burden. What took place, along with what didn’t, would have caused them to develop a very negative view of themselves, others and the world as a whole. They can believe that they are not worthy of life, something that will prevent them from knowing that they have as much right as anyone else to be here. It Didn’t Start With Them When it comes to the experience that they had, there is a chance that their caregivers also had a similar experience. It could go back even further than this, too, with their caregivers also having gone through something similar. What this will illustrate is that one was not treated badly because they are inherently bad or flawed; it is because they were brought up by people who were deeply wounded human beings. These people were unable to heal their own wounds, hence why they ended up going from victims to perpetrators. Totally Asleep It is likely to that their caregivers disconnected from their wounds but even though they did this, what they were not aware of would have controlled them. Coming to terms with the fact that their own caregivers mistreated them might have been too hard for them to handle. To maintain their idealised image of their caregivers and to keep their own pain at bay, they would have been destined to repeat what was done to them. Like their caregivers before them, the next generation would have been held accountable for what was done to them – this can be seen as indirect revenge. Awareness This shows how important it is for someone to heal their inner wounds, so that they can put an end to abusive behaviour. What they experienced as a child didn’t start with them but it can certainly end with them. With that said, if one is ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone Believe That They Deserve To Suffer If They Were Abused As A Child?26/10/2020
If someone was abused as a child, what took place will be over but it doesn’t mean that they will have put what took place firmly behind them. So, in the same way that a soldier who has left a warzone can carry the effects of what they experienced, one can also be in the same position.
However, although this can be the case, it doesn’t mean that one will be able to make the connection. If they were to think about what took place during their early years, it could be one big blur. A Mystery Consequently, the information that would shed light on why their life is the way that it is won’t be available. Or, if they were able to connect to this stage of their life, they could say that it wasn’t that bad. They could believe that even though they were treated badly, it didn’t take place very often. Here, one will be able to remember some of the things that took place but they won’t be able to truly come to terms with what took place. A Similar Place Irrespective of whether what happened is a mystery or if they can accept that certain things took place, they are still going to be unable to connect to the dots, so to speak. Through being unable to acknowledge what actually occurred and facing it, what took place will continue to influence their life. Ultimately, they won’t resolve what they went through by avoiding it. Another Factor What they went through as a child will have most likely prevented them from developing a felt sense of self-worth, which can mean that they will have a high tolerance for experiencing bad things. As they have no sense of their own worth and feel bad about themselves, there will be no reason for them to change their circumstances. If they had this in place, it wouldn’t matter if they remembered what took place or only certain parts of it, as they would have the need to change their life. To use an analogy: one will be like a doormat that just puts up with being walked over. A Bleak Existence When it comes to their relationships, they could be used to being treated badly and violated in one way or another. If they have a job where they work with others, the same thing could take place when they are around these people. While they may very well just put up with bad behaviour and not do anything about it, this could cause them to experience a lot of anger. But, instead of listening to this anger and standing up for themselves, they could just keep it to themselves and end up feeling depressed. An Inverted Energy This energy that is within them should be on their side and allow them to look after themselves. Nonetheless, this energy won’t be on their side and it will be used against them. A clear example of this will be the strong inner critic that they are likely to have. A loving and supportive inner voice is likely to rarely be heard within them; what is likely to generally be heard is a very harsh and unsupportive voice. Self-Harm Ergo, regardless of how badly other people treat them, it won’t be as bad as they treat themselves. They will be their own worst enemy and the people who they come into contact with will be an external reflection of what is taking place internally. For their life to change, they will need to draw the line and to say that enough is enough. Underneath all of the pain and misery that they experience day in, day out is likely to be a number of erroneous beliefs. A Core Belief One belief that they are likely to have is that they are inherently bad and, as a result of this, they deserve to suffer. This won’t be a belief that they will be aware of but it will still exert a massive influence on their life. It is then not going to matter how they live their life as this won’t be something that is taken into consideration. If they were to think about all of the good things that they have done and what they have contributed over the years, it might not have much of an effect on them. A Deeper Look This belief, along with any other erroneous beliefs that they developed during their early years, will have been created due to the fact that they were egocentric at this stage of their life. How they were treated would have been seen as a reflection of their own value as opposed to a reflection of what was going on for their caregiver/s. The truth is that they were not treated badly because they were bad; it was because they were brought up by people who were probably deeply wounded themselves. Their view of their own child was then skewed by their own self-hate that was projected into them. A Key Process Many years will have passed since this stage of one’s life but they are still going to blame themselves for what took place. Deep down, one could believe that if they were different, they would have been treated differently. This is why forgiving their caregiver/s for what happened is one part, forgiving themselves for what happened is another. In fact, self-forgiveness is likely to be far more important than the other kind. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has come to see that they were mistreated during their early years, they could have the need to talk to their parents about what took place. There could be a number of things that they want from them.
For one thing, they might want to know why their parents treated them in the way that they did. This could be a question that consumes a lot of their time, with them trying to work out why they were treated this way. Another Part Along with this, a big part of them might want their parents to apologise for what took place. In fact, this could be more than something that they just want; they could have an incredibly strong need for them to do this. This could be seen as something that will allow them to move on from what took place and to put the past behind them. The sooner they are able to open up to their parents, then, the sooner their life will change. The Ideal Scenario Now, they could reach out to their parents, talk about what is going on for them and find them to be very remorseful and supportive. It could even appear as though their parents have wanted to talk to them about this for a while. They are then going to do all that they can to assist them in what they are going through and, if it is needed, they might even go with them to therapy. Thanks to their parent’s ability to take responsibility for happened and the love that they have for their adult child, they will be able to undo some of the damage that was done. A Tough Time This can be a time when one will talk about what happened, how they felt and how what took place has impacted their life. It will then be clear to them that what happened had a massive impact on their adult child. Their parents can end up feeling extreme guilt and shame, and feel as though they have failed their child. This could also be a time when they will come to see that they were also abused as a child and thus, went from being a victim to being a perpetrator. A Time of Healing Through having their parents acknowledge what was done, it is likely to have a very powerful impact on them. Of course, it won’t change what actually happened but it will give the wounded part of them the validation that it needs and allow it to be seen and heard. This is likely to be a very emotional time, with there being a lot of tears and important words spoken. The outcome of this process is that one’s inner and outer world will improve and their relationship with their parents will also improve. A Different Experience Sadly, this is not something that will happen to everyone who was abused by their parents. One reason for this is that their parents might no longer be alive, which will mean that this option is no longer available. Another reason why the above won’t take place is that both of their parents could deny what they were abusive. Due to this, it won’t matter what one says to them as their parents simply won’t be able to acknowledge what took place. Gaslighting At this point, one could end up doubting themselves and question if they are making it all up. If this takes place, it can be a continuation of what happened when they were younger; with this also being a time when their reality was disregarded and they were not truly seen or heard. One or both of their parents would have lacked the ability to see them as an individual and to connect to them, and this may show that they had, and still have, a narcissistic personality disorder. They might have settled down as time has passed, but they will still be in a bad way. Emotional Collapse If one is carrying a lot of toxic shame and is therefore shame-based, being invalidated can play into their view of themselves as being worthless and bad. The fact that their parents won’t acknowledge what took place won’t be seen as a consequence of their own inability to face reality; instead, it will validate the negative view that they have of themselves. The truth is that what they experienced wasn’t their fault and they didn’t deserve to be treated badly. How their parents are responding is simply a reflection of their level of emotional development or their level of consciousness. Avoidance If their parents were to acknowledge what took place, they might end up experiencing a lot of emotional pain. This could be a time when they will also come into contact with pain that goes right back to their early years. To keep this pain at bay and out of their conscious awareness, they have to live on the surface of themselves. They are then not going to use defence mechanisms such as denial and repression from time to time, denial and repression will be part of the false-self that they have in place. Totally Undeveloped The fact that they live on the surface of themselves will show that they don’t have a healthy relationship with their emotional self or their body. If their early years were not very nurturing, it would have meant that they didn’t receive the care that they needed to develop in the right way. Their intellect could be developed, but the emotional part of them will be way behind. And, not only will this inner disconnection and lack of emotional development make it hard for them to empathise and to show compassion, it will also make it harder for them to face reality; they will be stuck in their head and this part of them can make anything up. Awareness Having this understanding in place is unlikely to allow one to simply let go of their need to have their parents validate what they went through, yet it can settle their mind down. The key will be for them to work through their wounds. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer. Someone like this will be able to provide them with the validation that they need and to give them the support that they need to work through their inner wounds.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Free Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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