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If someone comes to see that their early years were a time when they were not treated very well, there are a number of things that can take place. Firstly, they can start to think about what they can do to heal the damage that was caused, and, secondly, they can have the need to talk about what took place with their parents.
There is also the chance that they haven’t even thought about what they can do to heal themselves. In this case, their need to talk to their parents about what happened could consume them. The Next Step What one could then do is to approach their parents out of the blue and ask them about why they treated them in a certain way, for instance. Conversely, they may wait for right moment to open up to them. When they start to talk about what happened, their parents facial expressions may show that they are sorry for how they behaved. Therefore, without them even needing to say anything, one will know that they are going to be able to make progress. The Right Direction Once they have stopped talking, one of their parents may make it clear that they are deeply sorry about what they put them through. This can then provide one will the validation that they need to gradually heal themselves. Their parents may even agree to go to therapy with them; that is, of course, if one needs this to take place. What something like this would do is allow one to work through things in an environment that is conducive to growth and healing. No Short Cuts Now, just because their parents have acknowledged what took place and validated what one went through as a child, it doesn’t mean that their life will change overnight. However, it will most likely allow them to move forward a lot faster than if their parents were unable to face up to what took place. Their parents won’t have been able to truly be there for them all those years ago, but now they will have the chance to do the right thing. A long journey is in front of all of them, but the foundations will have been laid. Another Experience While the scenario above, or one that is very similar, could be seen as the ideal, it is not something that always takes place. Instead, one can talk to their parents about what took place and they could basically be told that what they are saying has no basis in reality. Upon hearing this, a number of things could take place. This can be a time when one ends experiencing a lot of anger and even rage, and a lot of the trauma that is within them may end up being triggered, causing them to be experience a lot of fear and to feel emotionally unstable. An Unexpected Outcome If they were to end the interaction after this has taken place, they may start to wonder how their parents could behave in this manner. What they may believe, that’s if they haven’t already mentioned it, is that their parents will respond differently if they talk about the effect that their abuse has had and is still having on them to this day. One could then approach their parents again and talk about what is going on for them, only to receive the same response. It then wouldn’t even matter if one ended up getting a brain scan that proved that they had experienced a lot of trauma, as their parent’s won’t be able to accept what they are saying. A Strange Scenario Just as their parent’s people wouldn’t have been able to respond to them in the right way as a child, they still won’t be able to respond to them in the right way now that they are an adult. It may seem as though their parents lack basic humanity, and simply don’t have the capacity to display empathy and compassion when it comes to what they have been through and are going through. In order for one to make sense of what is going on, it will be essential for them to change how they view their parents. What this means is that just because they came through them - providing them with a vehicle (body) that would allow them to experience life on earth - it doesn’t mean that their parents are perfect human beings. Imperfect Human Beings Their parents could be people who are deeply troubled human beings; perhaps they are developmentally stunted, and they may even have some kind of personality disorder. There is the chance that what they put one through as a child was very similar to what they went through at the hands of their own parents. As a result of what they went through during their formative years, it may have made it hard for them to be able to face reality as an adult. To handle what they went through and to keep their trauma at bay, they may rely on a number of difference defence mechanisms to be able to handle life and not to fall apart. The Big One If they were to admit to what they put one through as a child, it could end up reminding them of what they went through as a child. Facing the pain of their early abuse and the pain of abusing their own child would then be too much for them to handle. So, as way for them to keep this pain locked in their body and out of their conscious awareness, they will use denial to protect themselves. But, due to how long they have relied on this defence mechanism, it will most likely have become part of their character. Effortless It is then not that they are aware of what took place and are consciously denying it; it is that they are no longer aware of it and there is then nothing for them to deny. Ultimately, they will have forgotten that they have forgotten. This is why one can have all the evidence under the sun that proves that they are telling the truth, but it won’t make any difference. Their parents, out of their need to avoid their own pain, will need to stay out of touch with reality and their own body. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be a god idea for them to do what they can to accept that their parents are unlikely to break out of their delusion. Their main priority will be to keep their pain out of their awareness, not to do what they can to help their adult child to heal. With the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance, one can start to move forward and gradually lose the need to receive their parent’s validation. This takes patience, persistence and a lot of courage.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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In the same way that a house will need strong foundations, a human being will also need strong foundations. When strong foundations are laid down for a house, this part will be strong enough to handle the other levels that are added, and, when it comes to a human being, strong foundations will be what enable them to grow and develop in the right way.
However, what can stop a house from being built in this way is if it is built by people who don’t know what they are doing. It then won’t matter if the rest of the house is right, as the most important part won’t be. A Similar Scenario If a human being doesn’t have strong foundations, it is likely to show that their caregivers didn’t know what they were doing during the beginning of their life. What took place at this time would then have stopped this from taking place. The trouble is that even though this can lead to all kinds of challenges, it doesn’t mean that someone will be able to connect the dots, so to speak, and to see how their childhood years are affecting their adult years. Even so, they are likely to be only too aware of the symptoms. A Living Hell To say that their caregivers didn’t know what they were doing might be an understatement, as it could have been as if they did everything they could to make their life a misery. This would then have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Therefore, instead of being able to let go and to trust the people around them, someone like this would have needed to be on guard at all times. The people who were supposed to love and care for them would then have the people who they had to look out for. On The Inside What was going on outside their home wouldn’t have been their main concern; their main concern would have been what was taking place behind closed doors. But, while this was abuse, it would have most likely become what was normal. And, even if they did come to see that something wasn’t right, the fear of what might happen if they did open up about it would have kept them quiet. Along with this, due to being egocentric at this time in their life, one may have come to believe that the reason they were treated this way was due to how flawed they were. Trapped Ultimately, this would have been a time when they would have experienced immense pressure and stress, and this is precisely what they didn’t need to experience at this age. At an age when they were not very resourceful, they would have experienced things that would have been hard for an adult to handle, let alone a small child. The years would then have gone by and one would have done their best to act like an adult, even though deep within them was a deeply traumatised child (children). What they could find - as a result of not being able to develop a sense of safety and security - is that they find it hard to connect to their body. Disconnected This could mean that they spend most of their life in their head, and they may even have the tendency to dissociate from themselves. Connecting to their feelings and needs is then going to be a challenge. Through not having a strong connection to their body, it may also mean that they rarely reveal their true-self. Behaving how other people want them to (and how they think they want them to), is going to be what feels safe. Its Missing Without an inner sense of safety and security, it is not going to be possible for them to be themselves and to express their true-self. It is going feel far too dangerous for them to assert themselves. And, through having so much going on in their body, it is going to be just as much of a challenge for them to stay in there - popping out of it will be what feels safe. Still, getting back in their body and feeling safe is not something that will happen through force. Blocked One way of looking at this would be to say that their root/base chakra didn’t get the chance to develop in the right way and this is what is stopping the rest of their chakras from functioning in the right way. The energy that comes up through the earth, through their root chakra and energises the rest of their chakras is unable to get through. Regardless of whether one resonates with the chakra system or not, what is clear is that feeling safe and secure is vital when it comes to living a fulfilling life. The only way that they will reveal who they really are is if they feel safe enough to do so. Mother Nature Spending time in nature is going to be an essential part of developing a sense of safety and security. Whether someone goes into the woods, a forest or into a field, for instance, this is going to be somewhere where they will have the chance to just be and to relax. And, if they are in tune with the earth, they might even be able to receive the support, love and nurturing that the earth provides. What can stop this from taking place is if one believes that these are things that can only be provided by human beings and is not in tune with the more subtle energies of life. Re-Rooting Another part of this will be for one to practice something that will gradually allow them to re-anchor themselves in their body, and there are a number of things that can help with this. Yoga, Tai Chi, and Qi Gong, are all of these things can help one to get into their body and to release stuck energy. Walking barefoot is another way for one to reconnect to the earth and to feel more grounded and embodied in the process. This might sound a bit airy fairy, but the best thing will be for one to give it a go and to see how they get on. Awareness What is going to be equally as important as spending time in nature and having some kind of practise that one can use to ground themselves, will be to work though the trauma that is within them. Somatic experiencing and TRE are two tools that can assist one in this process. There are, of course, plenty of other things that someone can to do gradually develop an inner sense of safety and security but, no matter what approach is taken, it will be vital for them to be patient and persistent. They didn’t end up this way overnight and they certainly won’t transform their life overnight either.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was abused at the beginning of their life, it is likely to mean that they experienced a lot of pain during this time. In addition to this, most, if not all, of their development needs might not have been met.
As a result of this, even though a number of years will have passed since that time in their life, they might not be in a good way. It will then be clear to them that time will not heal what happened. One Big Challenge No matter what area of life they think about, it might not be going as they would like it to. Due to what they are going though, simply being alive could feel like a burden, and they may wonder if there is a reason why they are on this planet. Alternatively, they may have been able to build a career up, but their relationships could be a mess and they might have a number of addictions, for instance. In this case, it might look as though they have it all. The Same Experience So, regardless of if they have a successful career, they can still have a deep sense of emptiness. They will look like a whole human being, but it can be as though they are missing something. A lot of their life is then going to be spent trying to find something that will fill this hole. Swallowing things, eating things, buying things, drinking things, and/or falling into the arms of people can all be a way for them to achieve this outcome. A Black Hole Unfortunately, this approach will never work, and this is because this hole can’t be filled from the outside. Trying to fill this hole from the outside will be a lot like trying to clean a dirty window from the inside. Yet, while this approach is futile, it can seem as though this hole will only be filled up from the outside. Without realising it, one is going to be trapped in a game that can never be won. Another Part Along with what is going on in their own life, they may also find that they still look towards their caregivers to give them what they didn’t get as a child. It then won’t matter that they are no longer a dependent child, as they will feel like one. A big part of them might want their approval, acceptance and for them to acknowledge what took place all those years ago. And, while there is the chance that this will take place, there is also the chance that it won’t. The Ideal If their caregivers are willing to acknowledge what took place and to be there for them, it can make it easier for them to heal themselves. One option would be for one to bring their caregivers along when they have therapy, for instance. Doing this will allow them to open up about what they are going through, what went through and what they would like to receive from their caregivers at this stage in their life. Having their caregivers on board is not going to allow them to heal overnight, but it will most likely speed things up. Another Outcome Conversely, their caregivers might not be willing to do any of this, and they may even say that they didn’t abuse them. Their caregivers are then not going to be able to give them what they are looking for – just as they were unable to provide them with what they needed as a child. It can then be very similar to how they would feel if they were to end up in a relationship with someone who is not available; they can feel disconnected, powerless, hopeless, and helpless. After everything they have been through there is a strong chance that they just want to feel at peace, yet this is not going to happen all the while they need anything from the people who abused them. One Big Illusion However, although they can believe that they need their caregivers to fulfil certain needs in order to move forward, this is not the truth. The part of them that needs all these things is their wounded inner children within them. These parts of them wouldn’t have received what they needed all those years ago and now they will have taken over ones being. Therefore, although these are just parts of their being, it can be as if they are their whole being. External Support The wounded inner children within them will need to be acknowledged and to express what they were not allowed to express all those years ago. Through doing this, these parts of them will integrate with the rest of them. If one needs their caregivers to do this for them, it is likely to show that they are unable to give their inner children what they need. This is why a therapist/healer can make such a difference, as they will provide the support that they need. Awareness In the beginning it can be as though their survival rests upon their caregivers acknowledging what took place, and, as time goes by, they will be able to see that this is just one big illusion. This will be a time when one will need to be patient and persistent, but it will be worth it in the long run. There will come a time when they will no longer look for something that can’t be provided, allowing them to settle down and to feel at peace. What they may also find is that doing this kind of work allows them to be more present, which will allow them to attract people who are available and to let go of the ones who aren’t.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was treated badly during the beginning of their life, by the very people who were supposed to love and protect them, the last thing on their mind can be to show them compassion. In fact, what they could think about is how they would like to get revenge for what was done to them.
This could be very similar to how they used to be as a child, with them having the desire get their own back for what was being done to them. The difference now, of course, is that they will be a lot bigger than they were. A Defence They could spend a lot of time thinking about what they could do to punish the people who punished them. There might also be other moments when they end up falling down, into the pain that they experienced as a child. Experiencing anger, and even rage, will allow them to feel strong and capable, while putting these emotions to one side will cause them to feel powerless and helpless. Based on this, the need to experience revenge can be a way for them to avoid their true feelings. Not an Option If someone is experiencing life in this way and they are unable to take a step back, there is going to be no reason for them to change their behaviour. Ultimately, this is where they are at this point in their life. Another person could talk to them about hoe destructive this is and how they need to face their wounds, but it could fall on deaf ears. They might even end up telling this person that they don’t know what they are talking about, along with acting aggressively towards them. Looking For A Way Out However, if someone is aware of what is going on and can see that this is not getting them anywhere, they might look for a way to experience life differently. They will be aware that part of them wants to get revenge and that this same part is also full of fear and feels completely powerless. There might also still be times when they end up being fully absorbed in this part and lose the ability to see what is going on. But, even though this part will take over from time to time, it won’t be enough to stop them from moving forward with their life. A Balanced Outlook What this shows is that they have developed enough awareness to see how futile it is to get caught up in something that took place so many years ago. Not only is this having a negative effect on their wellbeing, it is also stopping them from creating a life that matches up with who they a really are. In order for them to get to this point, they may have already worked through some of the pain that is within them. If they hadn’t done this, it would be a lot harder for them to step back and to see how much pain their inner child is in. Denial It can then seem as though someone can either get caught up in how they feel or they can gradually move through it, yet there is another thing that can take place. One can end up disconnecting from how they really feel and act as though their childhood was fine. This could set them up to be a people pleaser, and to suffer from depression and anxiety, among other things. Intellectually, they will have one outlook, but their body will know exactly what took place. Protection It would be easy to say that this person is just in denial and that they need to face reality, or else they will continue to suffer in silence. But while they are in denial, they are likely to be carrying a lot of pain within them Therefore, it is not going to be as if this is something they have just consciously chosen to do; it will have been a defence that was put in place to keep them alive. Taking this into account, they will gradually need to peel away the layers that are covering up what is within them, and this will probably require external support. Becoming Softer When someone does work through the wounds that are within them, their heart might gradually begin to open. As this takes place, they may start to find that it is easier for them to show compassion towards others and themselves. They may begin to wonder why their parents - or any else who was around - behaved in the way that they did. It might become clear that these people were not even aware of what they were doing. One Step Further Additionally, they may find out that these people were treated in a similar way during the beginning of their life. It might go back even further, which means that their grandparents may have also had a similar experience. As a result of this, one would not be acting in a conscious manner if they were to spend their whole life being angry at the people who were, in many ways, an effect on their early abuse. If they were to allow this pain to define them, they would end up going down the same path. Awareness The main thing is that one faces and works through their own wounds - and what has been passed down ancestrally – and doesn’t force themselves to show compassion to the people who abused them. Compassion could be seen as a by-product of doing this kind of work. When it comes to working through these wounds, the assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Over six years ago, I wrote an article titled, ‘Abusive Parents: Why Do They Deny What Happened?’ In terms of the amount of comments that I have received for this article, it has to be one of the most popular articles that I have ever written.
I wrote this article at a time when I was trying to get to grips with my own childhood abuse and neglect. A little while before this my father had passed on and, in many ways, I was holding on for dear life. Guidance It was around this time that I had started to read books that Alice Miller had written, and what she said really spoke to me. But although part of me was in a really bad way, another part of me wanted to find out what the hell was going on. Giving up or even ending my own life was not an option; I had to find a way to get through what I was experiencing. It became clear that I couldn’t get through to my mother; she was completely in denial. Two Parts And, in the article above, I said that abusive parents will either deny what happened or minimize it. If my mother could bring herself to acknowledge any part of what happened, she would minimise what took place. The fact is that I wasn’t just bringing this up because I had nothing else to do and wanted to create a bit of drama; I brought it up because I was not in a good way and wanted her validation and support. The trouble was that as the wounded part of me needed her to do this, it meant that I suffered even more. Pulled Down It was as if an anchor was tied to my leg and this anchor was just pulling me further down, which made me feel even worse. But, due to how much pain I was in, I couldn’t simply let go of this need and move on. Another way of looking at it would be to say that it was as though a part of my body was attached to a car, causing me to be dragged over all kinds of sharp objects. The years that passed pushed me to the edge and I had to dig deep. One Focus What I went through as a child had already pushed me to the edge, so it wasn’t as though this was a completely new experience. Back then it was a matter of survival and during this time it felt no different. As the time passed, and I had read more books, written more articles and worked with more healers, I had more evidence to back up what I was saying. Clearly, if my early years were fine, as my mother made out, I wouldn’t have needed to do any of this. Life or Death Ultimately, I was investing my time in this way to keep myself from sinking and to heal myself; I wasn’t simply ‘curious’. Understanding and then healing my wounds was the only option that interested me. Before this trauma came up, I was looking for answers and I was making progress, but my life wasn’t so bad that I felt extreme pressure to change my life – this was no longer the case. I was in a lot of pain and I had to find answers; it was as though I was being chased and if I stopping moving, my life would soon come to an end. A Waste of Time However, even though I had more evidence to back up what I was saying as time went by (not that I needed any, seeing as I was clearly not in a good way), it didn’t have an impact on my mother. I started to see her denial had completely taken over and this stopped her from being able to face reality. Due to the amount of defences she had built up over the years, she must have genuinely believed what she was saying and believed that I was making it all up. After a number of years passed, I was able to see that there was another part to this. A Missing Element If my mother had the ability to empathise, she would have been able to see how much pain I was in. The fact that she couldn’t acknowledge what happened and was purely focused on making out that nothing happened, proved that something wasn’t right. What I had been through and what I was going through wasn’t being registered. This was nothing new though as this was something that had always been missing, and this caused me to believe that there was probably something wrong with her brain. Generational Abuse In the article above, I said about how abuse is often passed from one generation to another, and this was the case with my mother. Due to the defences that my mother’s mind has developed to protect her from her own trauma, I haven’t been able to construct a completely clear idea of what she went though. Yet, for whatever reason, she was unable to put an end to the abuse that had passed down her family line and ended up behaving in a destructive manner towards her own children. I have heard that people choose their parents and that it is not random, and maybe this is true. Final Thoughts I have learned a lot and healed a lot since that time in my life, and I can say that it was worth all the effort. I have come a long way and there is still work to be done, but I now know what it is like to feel at peace. So, if you are not in good way and you are working through your wounds, keep going and don’t give up. You deserve to experience inner peace and I believe that, if you keep going, you will be able to do so. I thought it would be fitting to end this article with a profound quote that I came across about a month after I wrote the article above. In the words of Alice Miller, 'The career of a psychologist begins in childhood with the desperate attempt to understand the parents without judging them'.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Why Would Someone Only Say Nice Things About Their Parents After They Have Passed on?8/1/2018
There are likely to be a number of people out there who not only have plenty of good things to say about their parents now that they passed on, but who had good things to say about them when they were alive. When something like this takes place, it could be said that someone valued their parents.
A Similar Outlook Their friends and other family members are not likely to be surprised by what they say about their parents now that they are no longer around. These people might be only too aware of the type of connection that one had with them. Now, this is not to say that someone like won’t have ever argued with their parents or fallen out with them, for instance. There is a strong chance that these things happened on more than one occasion. Part of Life It would be hard to find a family that has never argued or fallen out. One could look back on the moments where there was tension and see that it gave them the chance to resolve conflict. This would have been far better than keeping everything within them and portending that everything was fine. There may also have been moments when they didn’t speak to one of their parents for a short while. Another Scenario Then are then going to be others who didn’t really have anything good to say when their parents were alive and, now that they have passed on, the same kinds of things come out of their mouth. When someone can relate to this, they could say that there is no reason for them to be nice now that they are gone. The fact that they are no longer alive is not going to cause them to change their outlook. If they were to change their outlook, they would probably feel as though they are living a lie. A Time to forget One may have been brought up by parents who were abusive, meaning that they wouldn’t have been treated well by the people who were supposed to look after them. After their parents passed on, they may have experienced a sense of relief. The people who treated them so badly would no longer have been able to harm them in any way. If they feel sad after this took place, it might not have been as strong as the other feelings that they experienced. A Different Experience This persons friends will understand why they don’t have anything good to say about their parents, that’s if they have told them about their past. What comes out of one’s mouth is not going to be a surprise. Nevertheless, if someone else was to hear them talk about their parents, they might find it hard to understand how they could be so cold. What this could show is that they were treated well by their parents. No Idea Therefore, even if they have heard about child abuse, it might not have had much of an effect on them. To hear about something like this could have a negative effect on how they feel, which could give them the urge to think about something else. It is then going to be a minor annoyance and not something that they really want to look into. But if they were not treated badly and they are not willing to accept that not everyone is treated well by their parents, it is to be expected that they won’t be able to empathise with someone who was abused as a child. Another Occurrence In addition to these two outcomes, there is something else that can take place. Here, one wouldn’t have got on with their parents when they were alive, but now that they are no longer around, they could act as though they were really close and the best parents anyone could have. When something like this happens, it will be clear that one has gone from one extreme to another. It will be as though one can no longer remember what was going on when their parents were alive. Puzzled Their friends, as well as other family members, could wonder what is going on and how it is not possible for them to face up to what was really going on. Yet, no matter that other people say to them, one might not be willing to change their outlook. It will be similar to one having a car that they don’t like; selling it, and then saying how great it was after it has been sold. One way of looking at this would be to say that the reason they are unable to face reality is because it would be too painful for them to handle. A Defence Mechanism If they were to let go of the false construction that they have created to protect themselves, they might end up being overwhelmed by guilt, shame and fear. Seeing the people who abused them as perfect is then a way for them to keep these feelings at bay. Thus, in order for them to feel good about themselves, they have to do everything they can to stop themselves from facing reality. The guilt, shame and fear that they feel at a deeper level is likely to relate to what happened when they were younger. A Closer Look Their parents may have made out that they deserved to be treated badly, and this would have set them up to feel bad about listening to themselves and standing their ground. What this means, then, is that the guilt, shame and fear that they feel is irrational. Nonetheless, unless one is able to realise that this is the case, they will continue to live in denial. As time passes, the pain that is within them might end up affecting their life in a number of other ways. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Do Some People Go From Being Abused By Their Parents To Abusing Their Parents?31/7/2017
It could be said that not everyone is brought up by parents who treat them in the right way, and this can have a big effect on how they will experience life as an adult. For some people, this would have been a time when they were abused on a regular basis, for others, this would have taken place from time to time.
A Competition This is not to say that if someone was only abused from time to time their adult life is going to be easier than it would be for someone who experienced abuse on a regular basis. This comes down to the fact that there is what happens and then there is how someone responds to what happens. So if someone hasn’t been through as much as someone else but they are worse off than they are, it doesn’t mean that they are therefore weak. After all, this is not a time when one needs to compare themselves with what other people have gone though; it is all about their own experience. One Factor One thing that is going to play a part in how someone responds to being abused is how sensitive they are. If they are sensitive, it is going to be a lot harder for them to handle stress. Even so, this doesn’t mean that they can’t move on from what happened if they receive the right support. And even though they are sensitive, they could also have another part of them that is extremely resilient. Something Deeper Along with this, one could have the need to heal what has taken place; whereas someone else might not have this, and this could mean that what took place will end up defining their life. What will also play a part here is how aware someone is; as they might not even have the desire to face what happened. One way of looking at this would be to say that what happened during their early years will be what defines whether they are aware or not as an adult. Another way of looking at it would be to say that some people are born aware and some people are not. Responsibility Still, when one faces up to what happened it will give them the opportunity to gradually move on. There will then be no reason for them to go from being a victim to a perpetrator. As even though one wasn’t responsible for what happened, they are responsible for how they treat other people. And if they don’t face up to what happened and work though it, it can cause them to mistreat other people. Courage In the short-term, this can cause them to experience even more pain, and one could come to believe that it is not worth the effort. However, while this will this is not going to be easy in the beginning, it will get easier as time goes by. On the other hand, if one was to carry on as they are, it is highly unlikely that their life would get any better. In fact, it would probably get a lot worse as time goes by, and this is why it is so important for them to reach out for the right support. Caught Up If this doesn’t take place, one could end going down another path, and this could mean that they will end causing a lot of harm. What could take place is that they will have children, and the same thing will happen all over again. One will then have gone from being the victim to being the perpetrator, and this will show that they lack self-awareness. The abuse won’t have started with them and it won’t end with them either. Another Outcome Alternatively, one could end up causing harm to the people who abused them when they were younger. When they were younger their parent/s would have abused them and now that they are older, they will be the ones who are abusing their parent/s. What this can show is that they are filled with a lot of anger and rage, and this stops them from being able to think clearly. One is then going to be consumed by their need to harm the people who harmed them. A Number of Ways This could take place though one verbally abusing one or both of their parents, or they could even harm them physically. It is then going to be clear that one doesn’t care about the effect this is having on them. So even their parents would have been seen as all power figures many years ago, they could now be old and frail. It is then not going to be possible for these people to fight back, and it could have a negative effect on their health. Justified Due to what they experienced when they were younger, they could believe that they are not doing anything wrong. If anything, they are getting their own back for all the years of abuse. The trouble is that on some level, their parents probably felt the same way, and so they are no different to the people who abused them. Ultimately, they are being controlled by their emotions. A Closed Heart The experiences they had whilst growing up will have caused them to close their heart, and this is then why they are able to behave in such a destructive manner. They won’t be able to empathise with their parent/s or to display compassion. One is not going to be able to rise above what has taken place; they will be caught up in it. Physically they will look like a human being, but they are going to be acting more like a robot. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
While a parent can offer encouragement and acknowledge what their child is good at, they can also behave in a different manner. Instead, they can criticise their child for what they can’t do and overlook what they can do.
A Negative Effect The child is then going to be brought up by someone who undermines them, and this is naturally going to make it harder for them to grow and develop in the right way. Even so, this doesn’t mean that the child will realise this. Through being treated in this way, there is a strong chance that they will believe that this is normal. Now, this is not to say that they won’t get angry about it; what it means is that it can be something that they have become accustomed to. A Different Experience If they were to spend time at their friend’s house, they may see that not all children are treated in the same way. At the same time, there is always the chance that their friends will also be treated in the same way. But if they are treated differently, it could make it even harder for them to spend time around their own parent/s. They will see that life can be different and this can end up being on their mind when they are at home or at school, of instance. Another Outcome What can also happen, through being exposed to a different kind of parenting, is that they can believe that there must something wrong with them. At this age, it is not going to be possible for them to detach from what is taking place within them, and so they are likely to take everything personally. It is then not that their parent has a problem, and this is why they are treating them badly; it is that they are the one with the problem. In addition to this, they are likely to believe that the other child is being treated differently because they are better than they are. An Illusion However, even though one of their friends might be treated well when they are there, it doesn’t mean that this is always the case. If a camera was set up at their house, they may see that this person’s parent is just putting on an act. It could then be said that their parent is more concerned with looking good than they are with doing good. If their child was to end up with a number of different issues when they grow up, it might surprise a lot of people. The Problem A relative or a family friend, for instance, might wonder how a child who had everything could end up this way. Due to how their parent/s behaved around others, it will stop them from being able to perceive life differently. Consequently, there will have been treated badly during their early years, and then they will end up having the finger pointed at them as an adult. Still, unless someone is willing to take a step back and to take a closer look, they are not going to be able to see that their parent didn’t always behave in the same way. A Barrier What can also play a part here is if someone was abused during their younger years and they haven’t faced up to this. Out of their own need to see their parents as perfect, it can cause them to see all parents as perfect. Thus, if they were to take a deeper look and to see that what actually happened when one was younger, it would cause them to get in touch with their own pain. Ultimately, their priority is to keep their pain at bay, not to face reality. Pedestalization Yet, even if a child has a parent who treats them badly, they can still talk about how great other children are. Their own child (or children) will be treated as though they are completely worthless, but someone else’s child (or children) will be seen as being completely perfect. Their parent can spend a lot of time talking about how good they are, and they can criticise their child for not being the same. It is then not going to be a surprise for their child to feel deeply inadequate. What Going On? In order for a parent to treat their child in this way, it is only too clear that something isn’t right. One way of looking at this would be to say that this is someone who doesn’t really want their child; it is nothing more than a burden to them. When someone demonises their own child and idolises other children, it is likely to show that they are projecting their inner world onto their outer world. The parts of themselves that they have disconnected from are then displaced onto their child. Unaware But as they are out of touch with the fact that they hate themselves, it stops them from being able to see what is taking place. Their child, the person who is simply carrying their issues, is then seen as the one with the issues. And as their child is seen in this way, it is going to stop them from being able to respond to them in a positive manner. The parts of themselves that they have not yet realized are then seen in other people’s children. Awareness When a parent behaves in this way, it is highly likely that they were also abused as a child. The past is then being repeated all over again, and this is likely to show that they lack self-awareness, amongst other things. If one was abused when they were younger, it doesn’t mean that they are worthless; it just shows that they were brought up by someone who had issues. The assistance of a therapist or a healer can allow one to get in touch with their inherent value and to heal themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In an ideal world, perhaps every child would receive the level of care that the need in order to develop into a well adjusted adult. Still, this is not to say that genetics don’t play a part; what it comes down to is that is that it will be a lot easier for someone to develop in the right way when they receive the right nutrients, so to speak.
Two Parts It would be inaccurate to say that what one is like as an adult is purely the result of how they were treated as a child. What is often said is that one’s temperament and a large part of their intelligence is the result of their genetics. Even so, if one is naturally aggressive, for instance, it will be a lot easier for them to deal with this side of their nature if they are given the right guidance. Instead of using this energy in a destructive manner, one will be able to channel it in the right way. A Big Difference One can then use this energy to become highly proficient at a certain type of sport, or they can push themselves forward in their career. The raw force that is within them is not bad, but if it is not used in the right way it will create a lot of problems. Not only could one end up harming other human beings, they could also resort to a life of crime. Consequently, one is not going to be valuable member of their society, they will be an expensive burden. The Other Side There is also the chance, of course, that one would internalise how they feel. One is then not going to harm other people, but they will end up harming themselves; it will be normal for them to be depressed. Alternatively, one could be someone who is highly sensitive, and if they are given the right care this won’t have to be a problem. Through receiving the right responses from their caregiver’s, they won’t need to feel ashamed for being this way. Protection This will also allow them to develop boundaries, and it is then going to be a lot easier for them to function. It won’t be possible for them to handle as much stimulation as the average person, but this won’t stop them from being able to accept themselves. And through being able to stand their ground, they won’t need to say yes to things that will drain them, or to be around the wrong kinds of people. Being this way is then going to be an asset as opposed to a liability. Back to Reality There are people who will have had their needs met on most occasions, others who had them met from time to time, and those who rarely, if ever had their needs met. It would be easy to say that the people in first category will be well adjusted adults, the ones in the second will be worse off, and those in the third will be in a very bad way. However, it is not always this black and white, and it could be said that one’s inherent nature plays a part in this. What also can’t be overlooked is that there is what happens and then there is how one responds to what happens. A Common Theme It is not uncommon to hear about people who had everything they needed and yet they still went off the rails. What can add weight to this is when they have come from a ‘good’ background. The trouble is that even though someone may appear to have come from a good background, it doesn’t mean that this is the case. At times, the image that a family presents to the world is radically different to what takes place behind the scenes. Rising Up What is not as common is to hear about people have been able to thrive even though they had a very challenging upbringing. When this happens, it could show that they had at least one person who showed them love, and they could be very robust. Something within them would have pushed them forward and some of the people who they came into contact with would have supported them. They may even have had many hours of therapy or healing work. Survival One of the challenges of being abused as a child is that one might not even realise that they were abused. They can feel bad about themselves and have mental and emotional problems, for instance, but that doesn’t mean that they will be able to connect the dots. As a child, one would have believed that there was something wrong with them, and this response would have been seen as the only way for them to survive. The alternative would have been for them to see that there was something wrong with their caregiver/s, but this would have caused them to experience far too much pain. Control By believing that there was something wrong with them, it would have caused them to believe that they could change their caregiver/s behaviour. If they faced up to the fact that there is very little, if anything, they can do and that their caregiver/s is the one with the problem, it would have overwhelmed their system. One then had to create an illusion to survive, and while this made it easier for them to survive as a child, it will cause them to suffer unnecessarily as an adult. There is then something inherently wrong with them and they will have to suffer in silence. Stepping Back And even if one came to see that they were abused as a child, it still doesn’t mean that they will be able to reach out for support. Intellectually, they can see that they did nothing wrong, but due to the toxic shame that is within them, it can cause them to create their own prison. This shame will have permeated their whole being, and one will fear what might happen if they were to talk about what took place when they were younger. Ultimately, one will be carrying something that doesn’t belong to them. Awareness There is nothing wrong with who they are, but until the trauma within them is dealt with, it is going stop them from being able to truly understand this. When one works with a good therapist or a healer, they will be given the support that they need. They will probably be talking to someone who was also abused, or has worked with people who have gone through a very similar experience. This will enable the therapist/healer to see that there is nothing inherently wrongs them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
During one’s early years, they may have had two parents who treated them well. As a result of this, they may look back on their childhood with fond memories.
And due to how they were treated when they were younger, there is a strong chance that they will have a good relationship with them now. Therefore, the foundations would have been laid many years ago. A Different Experience But while this is how their life is, it doesn’t mean that everyone they know will be able to relate to it. There is the chance that some of their friends don’t get on with their parents, or they might only get on with one of them. If they were to find out more about what is taking place for them, they may discover that their early years were no better. What they are going through now is then going to be a continuation of the kind of relationship that they had with them as a child. One Approach One may be able to empathise with them, and this may stop them from trying to change what they are going through. It might be only too clear that it is not possible for this person to do anything about what is taking place. They may have a tried a number of different things to improve their relationship with them, but it won’t have achieved anything. This might cause one to think about how lucky they are to have the kind of relationship that they have with their parents. Another Approach Alternatively, one could hear about what one of their friends is going through and they might not be able to accept it. Based on how they experience life, they could believe that there is a way for them to move through what is taking place. One could say that life is too short to behave in this way, and that they need to do what they can to get on with them. It will then be clear that one is unable to empathise with what they are going through. Projection This is what can take place when one ends up protecting their reality onto other people; it stops them for being able to connect to their experience. One is then caught up in their own life and they are unable to put themselves in another person’s shoes. After speaking to them about this area of their life, one of their friends could go away feeling drained. In the future, they might not bother talking them about it, and it could even make them wonder if this is a friendship worth keeping. In The Same Boat At the same time, one might find it easy it easy to connect with what they are going through and this is because they could have a problem with their parents. Or, they might only be able to get on with one of them. Having someone in their life who is going through what they are going through is likely to have a positive effect on them. Each person will be able to talk about what is going on for them without having to worry about being judged. Part of Life When one gets on with both of their parents, they are going to have far more support than they would have it they only got on with one of them. But while this is going to be the ideal, it is not how life always works. If one only gets on with one of their parents, there is the chance that it has always been this way. But even though this is the case, it doesn’t mean that their parents no longer live together. Two Sides There is, of course, the chance that they split up a few years ago, or when they were a lot younger. Yet, regardless of how long they were together for; one can see one parent as being good and the other as being bad. Along with how each parent treats them now, there is also going to be how they treated them when they were younger. One could say that one parent treated them really badly, whilst the other didn’t. Two Extremes Consequently, one of them can be seen as having issues and the other can be seen as being the complete opposite. There is then going to be no reason for one to direct their anger at both of their parents; there is only going to be one of them who deserve it. Nevertheless, if one was to take a step back and to look into what took place, they may begin to see that it is not this black and white. For one thing, if one parent was healthy, they wouldn’t have ended up with someone who is unhealthy. The Enabler For example, if one parent abused and/or neglected them and the other one didn’t do anything about it, they would have been part of the problem. Now, clearly this parent didn’t harm them directly, but what they did do is harm indirectly. When one has elevated the parent who didn’t harm them directly above the one who did, it can be hard for them to come to terms with this. Out of their need to maintain the illusion that one parent is completely different to the other; it can stop them from being able to face reality. Awareness As if one has the need to protect one parent, it can stop them from being able to move on from what happened. If they were to let go of the idealised image that they have created, they may come into contact with a lot of pain. And unless this pain is dealt with, it can set them up to reexperince what took place when they were younger. This is not to say that one needs to direct their pain at the so-called good parent, as this whole process can take place without the need for drama to arise. Through the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance, one can work through the pain that is within them. Also, one can talk to them about what they should say to their parent.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperTeacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 1,712,000 Article Views Online. My Books...
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
Trapped Emotions
Childhood
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
Toxic Shame
Abandonment
Child Abuse
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Trapped Grief
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?
Boundaries
Inner Child
Childhood Trauma
People Pleasing
Loyalty
Trauma
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