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In recent years, a lot has been said about the importance of being present and living in the moment. Numerous books have been written about it and there have even been programs on TV that go into this.
This surely shows that this is something that is a challenge for a lot of people; if this wasn’t the case, there would be no reason for this to be given so much attention. When someone is present and in the moment, they are going to be firmly rooted in their body. Here, Now Through being in their body, they will be able to embrace what is taking place in the present moment. As a result of this, it will be possible for them to respond to life as opposed to react to it. They will be aware of what their feelings and needs are, too, which will make it easier for them to live a fulfilling life. Not being stuck in their head is going to stop them from getting caught up in what has happened and what may happen in the future. Less Pressure Living in this way is going to allow one to lead a life that is far less stressful than that it would be otherwise. By living in the moment, one won’t try to work everything out; they will be able to trust in the process of life. Furthermore, by living in the now and doing what they need to do, their life is more likely to go in the right direction. If they were somewhere else, this wouldn’t happen and they would be setting themselves up for all kinds of problems further down the line. A Real Challenge However, while living in the moment will allow one to function at their best and to embrace the life that they have been given, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to do this. Or if they can, it could be something that rarely takes place. In general, they could have very little connection to the present moment or themselves for that matter. When this takes place, it could be as if they are somewhere else and are not rooted in anything substantial. Not Real This could then be a time when it is as though they are watching someone else experience life, not actually living life themselves. And through being disconnected from their body, they could wonder if they even exist. There could be times when their mind goes blank and it might take a while before they are able to come back down to earth, so to speak. Once they are able to reconnect to themselves, it might not be long until the same thing happens again. The Consequences Living in this way is going to make it a challenge for them to be present that much is clear. What this is also likely to do is to make it hard for them to know what their needs are, and this could cause them to neglect themselves, to over or under eat, and to be late for appointments, amongst other things. Another thing they may struggle with is remembering what people tell them and remembering to do things. This is likely to come down to the fact that they have the tendency to zone out when they are around others. Both Areas If this is so, being this way is likely to have a negative effect on their career and on their personal relationships. It may have stopped them from being able to move forward in their career and it may have even caused them to lose at least one job. As for their relationships, they may have been accused of not listening to what other people say. One can then come across as rude or indifferent, yet this won’t be something that they are choosing to do. What is going on? If they were to try to be present and to longer disconnect from themselves during moments like this, they may find that they don’t get very far. Thanks to this, they could end up blaming themselves and believing that there is something inherently wrong with them. If they were able to take a step back and reflect on what takes place before this happens, they may find that they feel overwhelmed. Taking this into account, they would be able to embrace the present moment more if they didn’t spend so much time feeling overwhelmed. The Trigger What this is likely to show is that they are carrying trauma and, whenever this trauma is triggered, they end up dissociating from themselves. This trauma can be brought up to the surface whenever they hear a certain smell, sound or word. Then again, simply being around someone else or other people can be enough to bring it up. This could be trauma that one has carried since the beginning of their life, with this being a time in their life when they were abused and/or neglected. A Traumatic Time During this part of their life, their whole system would have been overwhelmed on a regular basis. To handle what was taking place and to stay alive, they would have had to disconnect from their body. Their being would have been too undeveloped to handle what was taking place and they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. Leaving their body would have been a survival mechanism that was utilised without them needing to do anything. Awareness Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but the trauma that they experienced will still be inside them. Until this is dealt with, it won’t take a lot for them to be overwhelmed If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If someone was abused as a child, it might be possible for them to see that their childhood was anything but nurturing. However, if they were neglected during this stage of their life, this might not be possible.
The reason for this is that when it comes to abuse, someone might be able to see that they were hit or put down, for instance. Yet, when it comes to neglect, one might not be able to think of anything bad that took place. A Forgotten Time Therefore, although both abuse and neglect can be something that can’t be remembered, it doesn’t alter the fact that early abuse is more likely to stand out. And when early abuse and/or neglect are blocked out, it is likely to be because of how painful it was. To get in touch with what took place could be too much for them to handle. There is also the chance that what they experienced as a child had an effect on the parts of their brain that are involved in memory, which is why they can’t remember anything. Looking Back If someone was neglected as a child, and they were to look back on this stage of their life, they might see it as a relatively normal childhood. They might see that were times when they were lonely but that could be about as far as it goes. If their basic needs were met, such as their need for food, clothing and shelter, they could say that this proves that everything was fine. They could say that their caregiver/s did the best that they could. The Evidence Still, without even going into what their adult life is like, what is likely to prove that this was a time in their life when they didn’t receive the love that they needed are their feelings. If they were able to get in touch with how they feel, they could find that they are carrying a lot of emotional pain. Just as the remains of a building would provide an archaeologist with the evidence that is needed; ones feelings will provide them with the evidence that is needed. These won’t be feelings that have been created by their thoughts; they will be feelings that are held in their body and are a reflection of what took place when they were a child. The Experience When it comes to the feelings that are held in their body, there can the sadness, loss, helplessness, hopelessness, rejection, and abandonment that are held in their chest area. Further down, in their stomach, can be the feeling of being powerless, worthless and having no control. In their hip area can fear, terror and the feeling of wanting to die. As an adult, these feelings might not make sense, but if they were to imagine that they were small child that had been left, a child that didn’t have the ability to handle their emotions and being left at this age was seen as something that would cause them to die, they might make complete sense. The Symptoms The feelings that they experienced during this stage of their life can be feelings that they are accustomed to feeling now that they are an adult. There could also be moments when they shut down emotionally and are unable to connect with how they feel. So as a result of not receiving the love and care that they needed during this stage of their life, they are likely be in an undeveloped state. They probably won’t be able to handle their emotions and they could have a weak sense of self. All at Sea If they are unable to handle their emotions, their emotional self could have the tendency to take over. When this happens, one is going to feel as though they have no control and it can be incredibly painful. What this will come down to is that they didn’t receive the attunement that they needed as a child to develop the ability to regulate their own emotions - this is not an ability that one is born with. And, as there was no one available on a consistent basis, one would have had to disconnect from their feelings (body) in order to survive. Starved of Attention Not only would this have had a negative impact on their emotional development, it would have also stopped them from being able to develop a strong sense of self. As an adult, then, one can find that it is hard for them to know what they want and to maintain who they are around others. They could then have the inclination to do what other people want and to lose themselves around others. One will have their own body, but it will be hard for them to express who they are, their true-self, and to live a life that reflects who they are. At The Root Another thing that one may find is that it is hard to feel good about themselves and to be comfortable in their own skin. What this is likely to come down to is that they were egocentric as a child, meaning that they would have taken everything personally. In reality, what took place had everything to do with their caregiver’s and absolutely nothing to do with them. Still, one can believe that there is something inherently with them and they can carry a lot of toxic shame, with this being partly due to the interpersonal bridge between them and their caregiver/s being broken. Awareness There are just some of the symptoms that can arise if one was neglected as a child. If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. There will be the beliefs that one needs to deal with, the emotional wounds that they need to heal, and the trauma that they need to resolve.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone Live In Different Survival Modes If They Were Abused As A Child?29/11/2019
As a child, one would have been powerless, dependent and not equipped to deal with their emotions or too much arousal. This is why they needed caregivers who were loving, caring, and emotionally in tune.
Yet, as they were abused at this stage of their life, they wouldn’t have received what they needed. Instead, they would have been harmed on a regular basis, and this would have overwhelmed their system. Totally Isolated Unlike an adult, they wouldn’t have been able to fight back or to go for help. In a way, they would have been like a tortoise that is stuck on its back; they would have been in an extremely vulnerable position. If they had fought back, there is the chance that they wouldn’t have got very far and they could have ended up being harmed even more, if not lost their life. As for running away, if they did this, they probably wouldn’t have lasted for very long. An Unlikely Scenario However, while both of these options could seem possible to a grown adult, they wouldn’t have seemed possible to a small child. During this time, it would have been as though they lived in a world of giants. So, just as a human being would be incredibility intimidated around giants that are violent, a small child will feel the same around adults who are violent. Therefore, although they were being harmed, standing up for themselves would have been seen as being too much of a risk, at least until they got older. One Purpose Their main priority at this stage of their life would have been to survive, and fighting back or running away wouldn’t have been seen as the way to make sure that this took place. But, as this was the case, it wouldn’t have meant that they were totally defenceless. The mechanisms that they used to survive would have been pretty basic, but as one is still alive to this day, it will show that they worked. The downside is that while they would have kept them alive, these mechanisms wouldn’t have stopped their being from being harmed. An Analogy When a martial artist blocks a punch or a kick, it will stop him from being hit directly. Nonetheless, blocking an attack is still likely to mean that at least one body part will have been used to stop the attack. Blocking something once is unlikely to cause too much pain, but if an attack was stopped about fifty times, the martial artist is likely to end up with a number of bruises. In the same way, ones being would have still been taking the blows, even though they had a number of ways to protect themselves. Just Enough Thanks to how much pain one may be in now that they are an adult, they could believe that these mechanisms were not good enough. Then again, they could be grateful that they had them. When it comes to what ones outlook is, it can all depend on where they are at on their own healing journey. If one is in a really bad way, a big part of them could wish that they had no way of protecting themselves and that their life had come to an end. A Number of Options In the same way that ones being would have utilised a certain survival mechanism when they were overwhelmed as a child, they can do the same thing now that they are an adult. One will no longer be a powerless and dependent child, yet they are still going to lack the ability to handle how they feel. Thus, when they experience a strong emotional reaction, it could be as if they are a small child all over again. And just as their brain would have taken over to stop their life from coming to an end as a child, this part of them will take over now that they are an adult to stop their life from coming to an end. Flight Mode If one was to end up feeling overwhelmed, they could have the need to move or to run away. This could mean that they will suddenly leave a meeting or a get together with a friend, without saying anything, or if they were to say something, they could say that they are unwell or just make something up. After they have experienced movement or left a certain environment, they could soon settle down and no longer feel the need to do anything. One could spend a lot of time in this mode, which will make it hard for them to just be and to relax. Freeze Mode Another thing that could take place, if one was to end up feeling overwhelmed, is that their whole body could tighten up. Unlike the option above they won’t go anywhere, yet it can be as though they have turned into a statue. Playing dead and appearing to be invisible will be a way for them to handle the arousal that is inside them. When this happens, one can find it hard to speak and to express themselves, and if they spend a lot of time in this mode, they could be used to feeling powerless and as though they have no control. Dissociation Alternatively, one could simply leave their body and space out, if they end up feeling overwhelmed. Once again they won’t go anywhere, but they won’t be in the present moment either. What is going internally will be too much for them to handle and so they will lose touch with reality. When this happens, they will come across as being absent-minded and they probably won’t remember what is going on around them, and if they spend a lot of time in this mode, their life could be all over the place. Fight Mode Another thing that could happen, if they were to feel overwhelmed, is that they could be filled with aggression and adrenalin. This time they won’t go anywhere, seize up, or leave their body – they will get ready for battle. In this case, it can be more or less impossible for them to think clearly and they could end up doing something that they will regret. If they spend a lot of time in this mode, they could be seen as someone who has anger problems and lacks self-control. Awareness One may find that they can only relate to one or a few of these survival modes, or they might be able to relate to all of them. Ultimately, while these different modes responses have allowed them to survive as a child; they are going to be causing them problems now that they are an adult. The only way that this is likely to change, though, is if they start to deal with the trauma that inside them. By dealing with this trauma, they will find that their tendency to be overwhelmed starts to diminish and that they are able to handle how they feel. When it comes to dealing with this trauma, one may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone could live in an area that is relatively safe, they could behave as though their life is constantly under threat. What this means is that they could have the tendency to be aggressive.
As a result of this, they could routinely get into heated arguments and even fights. So no matter where they are or what time of the day that it is, it will be as if they are ready to go to war in one way or another. In The Eyes of Others If another person was asked to give their opinion of them, they could say that one can’t control themselves and is controlled by their anger. Furthermore, they could say that one is always looking for a battle. To another person, one could be seen as someone who is very dangerous and not worth getting on the wrong side of. If this was to happen, they could say that someone could end up being severely harmed or even killed. The Main Point What is clear is that one will have a thinking brain, but they will rarely use this part of their being. The part of their being that doesn’t use thoughts will be the part of them that is typically in use. If ones thinking brain was more active, there would be less need for them to get so worked up. Instead of losing all control and getting worked up, they could take the time to think about what is going on and to respond accordingly. Far Better By responding in this way, they would be able to act in a more civilised way and this would no doubt save them a lot of problems. They could still argue with people but there would be no need for them to become aggressive. As for fighting, there would be no need for them up fight unless they had no other choice. This would be something that is a last resort, not something that they do at the drop of a hat, so to speak. A Big Problem And while someone could behave in this way and not be aware of what is going on, they could also be aware of what is taking place. If they are aware, they could feel really bad about what is going on and wonder why they keep behaving in this way. If they were to look back on their life, they may see that behaving in this way has ruined a number of relationships and opportunities. A number of their partners and friends may have walked away, and they may have been fired from at least one job. Out of Control When they think about what takes place when they become consumed with anger and aggression, it may seem as though this just happens. It is then not that they consciously decide to get worked up. Their body will be filled with adrenalin, which will give them a boost and make them feel powerful and alive. But, as good as this will feel in the moment, there will be all the damage takes place. A Closer Look There will be the damage that is done to others and the external world, and there will be the damage that is done to themselves. If they were to take a deeper look at what is taking place inside them, they may see that part of them doesn’t feel safe. How they behave is generally going to be seen as being out of proportion to others, but to this part of them, it will be seen as the right response. One way of looking at this would be to say that this part of them is stuck in the past. Back In Time What this is likely to show is that their early years were a time when their survival was constantly under threat. One or both of their parents, along with other family members, may have physically abused them. This would have meant that their being was violated from a very young age, stopping them from being able to develop a sense of trust, safety and security. Many years will have passed since this point in time, but a big part of them will still be living there. One Need When they first started to be harmed, their brain may have relied on other survival mechanisms to keep them alive. There may have been moments when their body froze (the freeze response), moments when they ran way (the flight response), moments when they become submissive (the fawn response) and moments when they left their body and dissociated. However, as they grew up and were no longer as small and powerless, their body would have gone into the fight mode (the fight response). This would have shown that they felt safe enough to go into this mode, or else they would have gone into one of the others. The Past Is Present What took place will be in the past, that much is clear, yet what took place will have had an impact on their mind and body. This is why one won’t just be able to let go and to move on with their life. There will the impact it had on their brain, their mind, their emotional body and their nervous system. Taking this into account, it won’t just be ‘all about the mind’. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to take the next step, they will most likely need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
As an adult, one will most likely have the ability to take action by moving their body and to speak by using their voice. Therefore, they will have the ability to just be and to do nothing, and they will have the ability to do and to express themselves.
However, while this could be the case, there is also the chance that one won’t be able to relate to this. There could be moments when they are able to take action and to speak out, but in general, this could be something that rarely takes place. At Statue One is then going to have a lot of moments in their life when they don’t move or speak out, even though they have the need to do so. During moments like these, it may seem as though someone or something is in control of their being. They won’t be in a straight jacket or have anything around their body or throat, yet it will be as though they do. When this happens, one will feel trapped and anything but empowered. The Emotional Experience By experiencing life in this way, there are likely to be a number of feelings that one is used to experiencing. When they are unable to move or to speak out, their mind could go blank and their body could tighten up or they could experience a lot of fear and their body could tighten up. After this phase has passed, there will be another phase where they may feel angry and frustrated. The next phase could be a time when they feel powerless, hopeless and helpless. A Half-Life One way of looking at this would be to say that one will be like a car that only moves at certain times. As a result of this, the car will spend most of its existence being stationary. So as one won’t be able to express themselves on a consistent basis, their life is unlikely to be very fulfilling. Their inability to take action or to speak their mind on a consistent basis is going to hold them back. Out of Balance They are not going to be someone who is able to take life by the horns, so to speak; if anything, they could come across someone who is passive and lacks a backbone. What is clear is that one is not going to have a strong connection with their masculine element. This is the part of them that will give them the power and the energy to take action and to speak out. If anything, it will be as if this part of their being appears and then disappears whenever it wants to. The Norm If one was able to take a step back to look back on their life, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Taking action and speaking out is going to be something that has typically been difficult for them. But, regardless of how long their life has been this way for, it is unlikely that they were simply born this way. Most likely, something will have taken place that caused them to experience life in this way. Back In Time If they were to reflect on what took place when they were younger, they might not be able to remember anything. Then again, they might remember that this was a time in their life that was very hard for them to handle. When they were younger, they would have been abused and/or neglected by their caregiver/s. Instead of receiving the love, care and protection that they needed, they would have been treated very badly. A Few Options The time in their life when they were extremely vulnerable and needed looking after would have been a time when they were traumatised on a regular basis and left to fend for themselves. And, as they were unable to fight back or to run away, they would have only been able to do a few things. Either they could leave their body and dissociate or they could freeze and play dead. When they froze and played dead, the idea would have been that they were no longer visible or seen as a threat and would be left alone. The Connection Both of these survival mechanisms would have been utilised without one needing to do anything, which is a good thing considering how overwhelmed they would have been. Many years would have passed since this stage of their life, but whenever they feel overwhelmed their whole being will end up seizing up (or they could dissociate, of course) Now that they are an adult, responding in this way wherever they experience a lot of arousal is not going to serve them. At one point in time, this response would have kept them alive but now it will just be causing them problems. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. There can be the work that they need to do on their mind, the work that they need to do on their emotional body, and the work that they need to do on their animal body. This will take time, but it will be worth it in the long-run.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When it comes to the tools that are held in high esteem in the self-development world, affirmations are right at the top. There are even people that believe that one can transform their whole life by using these alone.
For others, they will be seen as powerful but they won’t be seen as some kind of panacea; other tools will also need to be utilised. When someone has this view, they could believe that using affirmations alone can lead to even more problems. Another Form of Repression In their eyes, when one says positive phrases to themselves and doesn’t take the time to resolve what is taking place inside them, they will be living in denial. One is then not going to be using a substance or a liquid, for instance, but they will still be running away from how they really feel. And, just as is usually the case with the aforementioned example, one can feel better in the beginning and, before long, they can end up feeling even worse. Saying positive phrases to themselves will have pushed down what is really going on for them and this energy will soon come back up again. An Analogy One way to understand this would be to imagine that one is pulling back an arrow and this will create a lot of tension. The arrow will now want to go in the opposite direction and, when one lets go of it, it will shoot forward. Not much force would have been needed to pull it back and yet it will go in the other direction with such ferocity. One will then be saying positive phrases to themselves and sooner or later, what they have pushed down can end up coming back up to the surface of their mind with real intensity. Momentary Relief Taking this into account, if one does feel better for a short while, there can come a point in time when they feel even worse than they did before. And as they felt better, it can be a lot harder for them to handle how they feel. Ergo, if affirmations were a drug, they would come with a warning about certain side effects that may arise. Additionally, the importance of using them at the right moment and the right amount could also be emphasised. One Area With that said, let’s take a look at how someone can use affirmations to change their life. If someone was abused as a child, they may find that this is a tool that can assist them on their healing journey. This doesn’t mean that using affirmations alone will transform their life and allow them to move on from what took place. As with any tool, there will be a time when they can help them and a time when they can’t. A Common Outlook One reason why affirmations can be seen as the answer, along with positive thinking, for instance, is that the mind is erroneously seen as the area that is the key to transformation. Phrases such as ‘it is all about the mind’ and ‘change your mind and you will change your life’ are often thrown around. If this indeed was the case, someone who was abused as a child would be able to themselves by merely changing what is taking place in their mind. Like a computer, they would just need to download new software and that would be the end of it. Far More to It Due to what they went through as a child, not only can their mind be filled with junk, let’s say, their brain and body are also likely to be in a bad way. This is why it is not just about the mind, and believing that it is can cause someone to waste time and energy, to experience an endless amount of frustration, and to only get so far. Dealing with what is taking place in the mind, ‘the cognitive distortions’ is important, that much is clear, yet there will be the emotional wounds that need to be healed and the trauma that needs to be resolved, amongst other things. Undoubtedly, there are many elements that need to be attended to. Two Uses When it comes to using affirmations, one can use them to counter the lies that their mind comes up with. For example, their mind could tell them that they are worthless or useless. One could take the time each day to say to themselves, while they look at themselves in the mirror, that they are valuable and are capable. If this doesn’t have much of an effect, it could show that they have a lot of emotional wounds to work through. Another Way Along with what their mind comes up with, they could find that they don’t feel safe or as though they deserve to exist, for instance. Here, one can use certain affirmations to plant seeds into their being. The affirmations alone probably won’t allow them to feel safe or as though they deserve to exist, but through dropping these seeds into their being, it could open them up to this possibility and allow them to come across the things that will help them to change their inner world. One can say these things without being too attached to the outcome, thanks to the understanding that the seeds that they are planting may take a little while to take root. Awareness When it comes to clearing up the mind, working through emotional wounds and resolving trauma, external support may be needed. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Together with this work, one can come up with their own affirmations and use them throughout the day. One may find that they use different affirmations as they go through their own healing journey.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone will have a body and live on planet earth, it doesn’t mean that they will feel comfortable being in their body and living on the earth. This can be due to what took place when they younger.
If this is so, thanks to what they went through as a child, they won’t be able to embrace the body that they have been given or the planet that they live on. However, even though this is the case, there is the chance that one won’t realise this. Unaware Consciously, then, one won’t be aware of what is going on, but what they went through as a child will still be affecting their life. That is not to say that the average person will be able to see this, though. To the average person, one could simply be described as someone who has mental health problems, for instance. Alternatively, as a result of what someone is going through themselves, they might not pick anything up. The Norm When it comes to how they experience life, this is likely to be how their life has more or less always been. Therefore, even if one can’t remember what took place when they were younger, they will still know what it is like to suffer. Instead of seeing life as a gift, they could see life as being nothing more than a burden. For one thing, one is likely to spend a lot of time in their head and very little time in their body. Floating In the Air Without a strong connection to their body and thus, the earth, they could be used to experiencing anxiety and fear. Living in the moment could be another thing that they find extremely hard. Consequently, it could typically be a mystery as to what their needs and feelings are. Physically they will be on planet earth but, for a lot of the time, it could be as though they are on another planet. Self-Neglect Overlooking their needs is then going to be a common occurrence, and they could often feel as though they are missing something. In fact, they may often feel as though they are running on empty. If this is the case, they won’t be receiving what they need to survive, let alone to thrive. The key will be for them to get out of their head and into their body, that way they will be able to connect to themselves and to take care of their needs. Too Painful Nonetheless, while this would allow them to change their life, it probably won’t be possible for them to live in this way. They might not be able to get into their body and if they can, they could leave it soon after. Irrespective of what happens, the pain that is being held in their body is going to prevent them from being able to live in their body. Also, if they were to get into their body, they would likely feel incredibly vulnerable ad defenceless. On The Watch When they are in their head, they will most likely have a greater sense of control. What this comes down to is that one just won’t feel safe, and being in their head will make it easier for them to spot anything that could threaten their very survival. Like someone who is always looking out of their window because they don’t feel safe in their house, one will always be scanning their environment because they don’t feel safe in their own body. Just as being in watchtower would give someone the best view of what is around them, being in their head will give them the best view of what is going on around them. A Warzone One could live in an area and a country that is relatively safe, meaning that they will have nothing to worry about. Still, based on how they experience life, it will be as if they live in a very dangerous environment. And even if they were to move to another area or country, or to go on holiday, for instance, they could still operate in the same way. One thing that they may find is that it is generally hard for them to get to sleep, as this is a time when they need to let go and to relax. A Closer Look When they were growing up, this would have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Their whole system would then have been overwhelmed on a regular basis, and the only way for them to handle what was going on would have been to leave their body. This would have traumatised their whole being and it would have also caused them to believe that it wasn’t safe enough for them to exist. At this stage of their life, it would have been an accurate assessment; now that they are an adult, it will be causing them to suffer unnecessarily. Awareness In order for someone like this to change their life, they will most likely need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or a healer. There will the beliefs that they need to question, the emotional wounds to heal, and trauma to resolve. Getting back into their body, and staying there, is likely to take time, and this means that one will need to be patient and persistent. The more time that they spend in their body, the better their experience on this earth is likely to be.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
While it can seem as though being seen is a normal part of being human, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. So, just because someone’s being can be seen by others, it doesn’t mean that they will feel comfortable with being seen for who they are.
There is then going to be a big difference between one having other people’s eyes on them and not being present, and having other people’s eyes on them and being rooted in their body. When the former takes place, it will show that one doesn’t feel comfortable with being seen and, when the latter takes place, it will show that they feel comfortable with being seen. Back In Time One reason why one would have a fear of being seen is due to what took place at the beginning of their life. During their early years, they may have been abused and/or neglected. As a result of this, they wouldn’t have grown up in an environment where they felt safe, supported and loved. One would have lived in a house or something similar, yet it would have been as if they were in a warzone. One Priority At this stage of their life, then, their main purpose would have been to handle what was taking place, not to grow and develop. They might have received the food and clothing that they needed, for instance, but they certainly won’t have received the care that they needed to pass through each developmental stage. And as they were powerless and dependent at this time, they wouldn’t have been able to do much about what was taking place. The only thing that they would have been able to do was to tolerate what was taking place. The Only Option To handle what was going on, there may have been moments when they were able to get away and to hide. But even if they were unable to do this, what they would have been able to do was to leave their body. This wouldn’t have stopped them from being hit or put down, for instance, but it would have made what was taking place more manageable. Now, this is not to say that they would have consciously left their body as this would have been something that just happened. Two Parts Their mind would have utilised this survival mechanism to try to make sure that their life didn’t come to an end. It could be seen as a very primitive response and yet it kept them alive. Also, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, they would have taken everything personally. Ergo, what took place would have been seen as a sign of how flawed they were, not of how damaged their caregiver/s was. Times Goes By The years will have passed since this time in their life, but what took place is still going to be having a big impact on their life. However, if they can’t remember what took place, they can end up feeling like a victim. What this comes down to is that they are likely to live a life where they don’t feel seen or heard. For example, they could feel as though they are invisible and, when it comes to their career, they may believe that their work doesn’t get the attention that it deserves. Inner Conflict Their conscious mind is going to want one thing and their unconscious mind/body is going to want something else. Until this inner conflict is resolved, it is not going to be possible for them to change their life. With this in mind, the sooner they are able to take a step back and to take a deeper look into what is going on, the better. This will give them the opportunity to see why they don’t allow themselves to be seen. Going Deeper Thanks to what they went through as a child, being in their body and being seen is going to be seen as something that is a threat to their very survival. Firstly, they can believe that they will be harmed if they were to allow themselves to settle into their body and to be seen. Secondly, they can also believe that they would be rejected and abandoned if they were to allow themselves to be seen. With both of these beliefs running, it is not going to be a surprise that being seen in such a challenge. Moving Forward Along with these two beliefs that they have, there is also likely to be all of the emotional wounds and the trauma that they are carrying. If they suffered on a daily basis for many years, it is unlikely that they will heal themselves overnight. Therefore, to go from not being in their body and having a fear of being seen, to being in their body and feeling completely comfortable being seen will take time. No matter how long it takes, though, it will be worth it in the long-run. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was abused and/or neglected as a child, it can be hard for them to just be. No matter what part of the day it is or what day of the week it is, they can more or less always be on the go.
Simply doing nothing and relaxing can be something that rarely, if ever, takes place. In a way, it can be as if they need to move in order to stay alive as if they don’t, something bad will happen to them. Two Experiences When one experiences life in this way, they can end up going down one of two different paths. But, whichever path they go down, it is still going to be a challenge for them to sit still and to do nothing. And although one can generally go down one path and stay on this path, they could also alternate between the two. Still, even if this does take place, movement is still going to be the norm. The First When it comes to the first path, one's primary goal in life could be to achieve things and to become successful. If they were to reflect on what success means to them, they could start to think of money, status, luxury holidays and expensive cars, for instance. Their idea of success is then going to be an idea that a lot of people have; the type of success that is primarily based on material objects. This type of success can allow them to receive a fair amount of approval from their fellow human beings. The Second When it comes to the second, ones primary goal in life could just be to move around and not to stay stuck in any one place. If they were to reflect on what life is all about them, what could come to mind is having many different experiences and being free. There is naturally going to be a lot of people out there that have the same view of life as they do. The material objects that life provides might interest them, but attaining these things won’t be their primary concern. A Bit of Both On the other hand, if one has the tendency to alternate between the need to achieve things and to just do things, their need to be successful might not be very strong. There could be times when they focus on their goals and other times when they just need to be doing something. Ultimately, it will be about them moving, and sitting still and just being is not going to allow them to fulfil this need. In all of these cases, one will be a human being in name only; they won’t act like one. Part of Life So when someone is unable to just be, they are not going to be aware of what is actually behind their need to always be on the go. Their conscious mind will come up with reasons as to why this is, but these reasons won’t be the real reasons. For them to become aware of what is driving their behaviour, they would need to get in touch with what is taking place at a deeper level. This might not be easy though, especially if they have built up a number of defences over the years. Protection There can be what took place when they were younger and then there can be all of the defences that allow them to keep most of this pain at bay. These defences can also keep most of the memories of the past at bay, too. It might only take a few of these defences to fall away for one to become aware of why they behave in the way that they do. This would enable them to understand why their adult life is the way that it is. In The beginning When they were a child, the abuse and/or neglect that they experienced would have caused them to develop a number of disempowering beliefs. As they were treated badly, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. Along with this, they would have come to believe that it wasn’t safe for them to be in their body and to exist. The effect that these two beliefs are having on their life will be clear to see. Stuck On a Treadmill One's inability to just be and to do nothing is then going to be due to the fact that if they were to do this, they will believe that they would be rejected and abandoned. Through seeing themselves as a flawed human being, they will constantly need to prove that they have value. In addition to this, they will believe that something bad will happen to them if they do nothing and that they might even die. As a child they would have most likely spent a lot of time in the flight response and been hyper-vigilant and, now that they are an adult, it won’t be much different. Awareness Living in this way is going to cause them to experience a lot of unnecessary stress and pressure. There could also come a point in time when they end up feeling burnt out and are forced to just be. This doesn’t have to happen, though, that’s if one reaches out for the right support and gets the assistance that they need. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone Get Angry At The Wrong People If They Don’t Get Angry At Their Parents?20/11/2019
One thing that someone can experience a lot of, after having been abused as a child, is anger and even rage. Given what they went through during this stage of their life, it could be said that this is to be expected.
They may have been violated on a weekly, if not daily, basis, and this would have meant that their boundaries were rarely, if ever, respected. Thus, the anger that they carry is simply there to notify them that they have been taken advantage of. For Example This could have been a time in their life when they were regularly hit and left alone. Or, it could have been a time when they treated like dirt and their body was touched inappropriately by at least one family member. Conversely, all of the above may have taken place, meaning that they were violated on every level. Irrespective of what they went through, it is not going to be abnormal for them to have so much anger inside of them. The Ideal In order for them to do something about this anger, it will be essential for them to take a step back and to see what is going on; that is, of course, if they don’t already know. Said another way, they will need to see why they are carrying so much anger. Once they do this, they will be able to see that it goes back to what happened when they were younger and to reach out for the right assistance. Dealing with this anger won’t happen overnight and this is why they will need to be patient and persistent. One Layer When they start to look at what is taking place inside them, they may soon find that the anger and rage that they experience is covering up a lot of deep pain. Underneath this anger, then, there can be a lot of the ‘softer’ feelings. So: sadness, loss, rejection, betrayal, hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness and powerlessness. This anger would have come about through being treated badly and now it will be there to stop them from having to come into contact with their deeper feelings. Up and Down Experiencing anger can allow one to feel strong and in control, yet if they were to let this go they would feel extremely vulnerable and as though they have no control. Still, while this won’t be an easy process, it will stop them from being controlled by their anger. Through having this anger inside them for so long, they may even find that they have become addicted to feeling angry. Ergo, going to a deeper level will be hard, but it will serve them in the long-run. Directing It in the Right Direction If they were to work with a therapist or a healer, they might end up doing inner child work. This will then be a time when they will get in touch with the child part of themselves and to allow this part of them to be seen and heard. Due to how unsafe they felt and how they were treated as a child, there is likely to be a lot of things that this part of them wants to say. This part of them will be angry at one or both of their parents and there will be other things that it wants to express. Working through the Layers By expressing the anger and getting to what is underneath the anger, one can begin to heal the child that is inside of them, or the children that are inside of them as there is likely to be more than just one child part. This can be something that needs to take place many, many times as there are likely to be many layers of pain inside them. As there were probably many, many times during their early years when they felt violated, this makes perfect sense. Taking this into account, if one expects to let go of all this anger in one go they are likely to be in for a big surprise, and they may even waste a lot of money trying to rush something that can’t be rushed. A Different Experience However, while someone like this could end up stepping back and reaching out for support, they could also take a very different route. And this could be a route that someone who does reach out for support took for a long time before they were able to draw the line. In this case, someone could spend a lot of time directing their anger at people and even institutions. As they are out of touch with the source of their anger, they can believe that they have every right to be as angry as they are. Indirect Revenge Without realising it, one will be drawn to different situations, circumstances, and events where they feel safe enough to express the anger that they didn’t feel safe enough to express as a child. From the outside, it might seem as though they have every right to get angry at something or someone and they may even be seen as someone who is committed to social justice, for instance. But, behind their conscious reasons for being drawn to certain things will be a lot of deep pain that needs to be addressed. It won’t matter how much anger they express as the pain that keeps their anger alive will still be there. Awareness What this emphasises is how important self-awareness is as this will give one the ability to question why they do the things that they do. Without this, one will be controlled by their own inner wounds. So, if one can see that they have been getting angry at the wrong people and they want to do something about this, it will be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This support can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperTeacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online. Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
Trapped Emotions
Childhood
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
Toxic Shame
Abandonment
Child Abuse
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Trapped Grief
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?
Boundaries
Inner Child
Childhood Trauma
People Pleasing
Loyalty
Trauma
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