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If someone was abused as a child, they could be in a very bad way now that they are an adult. What they experienced will have taken place many, many years ago, but they won’t have truly put the past behind them.
There is a strong chance that what they went through during this time left a mark on every part of their being. Their brain, physical body, mental body and their emotional body will all show signs of what they went through. Unaware However, while all the signs will be there, it doesn’t mean that one will realise why their life is the way that it is. If they were to think about what took place during their early years, they might not be able to remember much. In fact, this stage of their life could be one big blur. This will show that their mind has blocked out what took place to protect them and it could also show that a lot of what happened took place before their brain was very developed. Clearing the Ground Therefore, even if they started to remove the defences that they have in place to keep their memories at bay, it doesn’t mean that they would remember everything that took place. There may be a lot of things that occurred before they had the capacity to remember. When it relates to moments like this, they be left with the effects of what took place but what actually took place will be a mystery. One way of looking at this would be to say that it will be like having a bruise but not knowing why the bruise is there. One Part With no memory of what took place, then, one can be aware of the painful feelings and negative thoughts that they experience, yet they won’t know why they experience life in this way. And, due to how long their life has been this way for, this could be seen as what is normal. Through being accustomed to experiencing life in this way, there will be no reason for them to do anything about it. It is then not that they feel bad and have negative thoughts, for instance; this will just be how life is. Suffering in Silence What will also play a part in them tolerating what is going on and not doing anything about it, will be how they view themselves. It is unlikely that they feel of value and as though they deserve to exist, which will make it harder for them to do something about their life. The experiences that they had as a child will have beaten them down and prevented them from developing self-love and realising that they deserve to be here. Further, their fight instinct - the part of them that is there to keep them alive and provide them with energy - could have been split-off. Planting a Seed This doesn’t mean that all hope is lost, though, and that they won’t ever be able to join the dots, so to speak, and to see why their life is the way that it is. After reading or hearing something, they could feel the urge to do something about their life. At first, they could just feel the need to feel a bit better about themselves and to do something about the negative voice in their head. Dealing with what is taking place in their mind can then be the first step. Breaking Through Even if this approach doesn’t transform their life, it will get the ball moving and allow them to make progress on their healing journey. They will move forward at a rate that suits their own evolution, not anyone else’s. As time passes, they may start to remember some of the things that took place when they were younger. What this will show is that the memories that are held in their unconscious mind are starting to seep into their conscious mind. A Surprise When memories of what took place start to enter their conscious mind, they might find it hard to accept. Nonetheless, it might not be long until they move beyond this phase and accept that they are remembering what took place. They will now have the memories that explain why they have felt the way that they have for so long. At this point, they might want to share what they went through with some of the people in their life. A Challenging Time Having the desire to do this is one thing, it is another thing altogether for them to take this step. The reason for this is that they could believe that something bad will happen if they were to open up about the fact that their own caregivers harmed them. A big part of them could believe that they were harmed because there is something inherently wrong with them, and if they talk about what happened, it will cause other people to see this and to reject and abandon them. Ergo, keeping what happened to themselves will be seen as the only way for them to be accepted by their fellow human beings. A Courageous Act They can believe that if there wasn’t something wrong with them, then their caregivers wouldn’t have harmed them. Even thinking about telling another person could cause them to experience a lot of toxic shame and terror. The truth is that what they experienced wasn’t a reflection of their value and was simply the result of what was going on for their caregivers. It might be hard for them to accept this but there are plenty of people out there who will be able to there for them and to see what they went a reflection of their value or their fault. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to take the next step in their healing journey, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If someone was abused and/or neglected during their early years, it doesn’t mean that they will be aware of this. Due to how much time has passed and the defences that they have in place, they might not be able to remember what took place at this stage of their life.
Then again, they might only be able to remember certain things, and the things that they do remember could relate to the good things that took place. Either way, one is not going to have a clear idea about what took place at this stage of their life. Breaking Through Nevertheless, as the years go by, what is held deep inside them will probably start to come to the surface. The early trauma that has been repressed for so long will begin to enter their conscious awareness, making it hard for them to handle life. However, this is not to say that some of this pain won’t have already been seeping into their conscious mind or that their life will have been fine. What this comes down to is that as a lot of what has been hidden is no longer hidden, their life will get harder. Confusion They could come into contact with anger, rage, guilt, shame, fear and terror. As they won’t have a strong connection to what took place when they were younger what comes up might not make any sense to them. As a result of this, they could come to the conclusion that their feelings are irrational. Ultimately, how they feel will be a consequence of what they went through as a child and had to push out of their awareness to survive. Joining the Dots If they were to reach out for the support of a therapist or healer, for instance, they may start to understand why they feel the way that they do and why they have certain challenges. For so long, it will have been as if they were in the dark and now, thanks to what they are becoming aware of, it will start to get lighter. At this point, they may see one parent as being the ‘good’ one and the other as being the ‘bad’ one. This could be because one of them was abusive and the other wasn’t or was only abusive at certain times. A Strong Reaction So while they may experience hate towards one parent, they won’t feel the same way towards the other parent. In fact, they might experience a lot of love and appreciation for this parent. It will then seem as though they have a lot of wounds to heal when it comes to one parent and not many, if any, when it comes to the other. Also, if both parents are alive, they may speak to one but be estranged from the other. A Stage But, even though this might be the case right now, there could come a point in time when they see that there is far more to it. When this happens, they could see that it is not this black and white. Before this takes place, though, they might need to work through many, many layers of pain. By doing this, it will give them the strength that they need to face up to the fact that their other parent also played a part in what they experienced and to no longer put them on a pedestal. A Defence Once they are strong enough to face up to how they feel and to acknowledge the part that the other parent played, they might realise why it has taken them so long to face the truth. Seeing one parent as good and the other as bad would have made it easier for them to handle what happened. Said another way, they wouldn’t have been strong enough to come to terms with what happened. What they may see is that while one parent caused them a lot of harm, the other caused just as much harm by not doing anything about it. A New Outlook For years, one parent might have appeared to be a perpetrator and the other might have appeared to be a victim. Nonetheless, it will now be clear that this viewpoint was from the eyes and the mind of a child as opposed to an adult. They will have both been adults and both of them will have had issues, hence why they ended up together. Thus, if one of them really was good and the other was bad, they wouldn’t have even met, let alone had a child or had children. Awareness The key here will be for one to work through what comes up, to let it pass through them. This is what will allow them to actually move on from what happened; what won’t allow this to occur is living in denial or staying angry at one or both of their parents. To be able to work through their inner wounds, they may need to reach out for external support. The assistance of a therapist or healer will enable them to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was physically abused as a child, there is the chance that this is not something that will ever cross their mind now that they are an adult. They may remember certain parts of their childhood, or it could be one big blur.
It could seem strange as to how something so traumatic could be forgotten about. However, with an understanding of how the mind works, what has taken place will make perfect sense. Too Much To Handle The reason that what took place won’t enter their conscious mind will be due to the defences that they have in place. Most, if not all, of these defences may have been put in place when they were very young. What these defences would have done is allowed them to disconnect from their pain and to forget about what took place. Their mind would then have forgotten that it had forgotten, allowing them to seemingly put the past behind them. An Illusion In reality, how they felt as a child would have stayed trapped inside their body. Their mind will then have ‘moved on’ from what happened, but their body will have stayed in the past. If these defences were to fall away, they would end up coming into contact with a hell of a lot of pain. With this in mind, these defences are going to play an important role in their ability to keep it together. The Signs Are There Still, although they might not remember what happened and will have a lot of defences in place, it doesn’t mean that what is held in their unconscious mind won’t exert an influence on their conscious mind or their life. What they may find is that they often feel low and find it hard to feel good about themselves. Further, they may often experience anxiety and fear, finding it hard to feel at ease. If this isn’t the case, they could have the tendency to be filled with adrenalin and this will then mean that they will always need to be doing something. The Mirror Due to how they feel about themselves and what is taking place at a deeper level, they could often have experiences that ‘cause’ them to feel worthless, bad, and as though they don’t deserve to exist. These experiences will simply be a reflection of how they already feel. Without this understanding, it will be normal for them to see themselves as a victim. Without a connection to what happened during their early years and how their adult years are a continuation of what took place, they will be in a very helpless place. Connecting the Dots If they were able to connect to what took place during their early years, they might soon be able to understand why their life is the way that it is now that they are an adult. Then again, what took place at this stage of their life could just be seen as a reflection of their worth. Through being so attached to how they feel and being unable to step back, they won’t be able to accept that how they have been treated from practically the moment they were born had nothing to do with their worth. As a result of this, there will be no reason for them to try to change their life. Many Years Ago If one does connect to what took place, they could remember a lot of things that they would rather forget, forever. One or both or their caregivers may have harmed them, or it may have been someone else that harmed them. They may have been physically harmed on a weekly, if not daily, basis, for many, many years. The love, safety and security that they needed to be able to grow and develop wouldn’t have been provided. A Living Nightmare What they went through wouldn’t have been very similar to what a soldier goes through in a warzone. Unlike a soldier, who would be a fully grown adult, they would have been powerless, dependent and unable to do anything about what was going on. Instead of feeling safe and at ease with one or both of their caregivers, they would have been terrified of them. They would have known that if they didn’t do the right thing, and even if they did, they would be hit. A Closer Look A time in their life when they should have been able to relax and to have fun, would have a time when they had to be on alert at all times and to live in fear. This person will know what it is like to suffer there is no doubt about it. Due to what they went through, they have formed some, if not all, of the following beliefs:
Awareness Ultimately, these are just beliefs and this means that they are not the truth. Nonetheless, as one will carry these beliefs it won’t matter, as these beliefs will define how they see themselves, others, and the world. If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
The very fact that someone is on this planet – has incarnated – could be put forward as evidence that they deserve to exist. But, although this is so, someone could still believe that they don’t deserve to be here.
Through having this belief, it won’t be possible for them to see that they have been given life and are worthy of the life that they have been given. What is taking place inside them will stop them from being able to accept the truth. Their Reality Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that one is aware of what they believe and how this belief is defining their life. Instead, how they experience life could just be what is normal, which will prevent them from being able to see what is going on. They will then have a lot of negativity within them and their life is unlikely to be very fulfilling, yet they won’t try to change it. This will just be how life is and they won’t feel as though they deserve to experience life differently. A Bleak Existence Due to how they see themselves, being able to survive is likely to be seen as a big achievement. Being able to thrive and living a joyful existence, on the other hand, might not even cross their mind. This could be seen as something that is only possible for other people to experience; those that deserve to be here. They could feel incredibly grateful that even their basic needs are being met. Subsisting When it comes to their level of consciousness, they are likely to be right down at the bottom. The feelings that they have and their experiences are going to be in alignment with these lower levels. So, along with just having their basic needs met, they might be used to being treated badly and feeling bad about themselves. The people closest to them may treat them the worst and if they do feel good, it might not be long until their negative inner critic soon appears. A Very Low Place Unlike the average person, they are not going to have a sense of their own worth or a healthy sense of entitlement. If they had both of these elements in place, they would know that they not only deserve to be here but they deserve to fulfil their ‘higher’ needs. Thus, they can have their basic needs met and they can have the needs met that will allow them to thrive. This will allow them to grow and to expand and to live a life that is worth living. What’s going on? It can seem strange as to why someone would be this way; however, it could make complete sense given what they probably went through during the beginning of their life. At this stage of their life, they may have been treated very badly. This would have meant that they didn’t receive the love, care and guidance that they needed in order to develop in the right way. The trouble is that now that they are an adult, they might not remember what took place. Connecting the Dots If they were able to look back on how they were treated at this stage of their life, they may see why their life is the way that it is now that they are an adult. Then again, thanks to what is going on for them, this might not take place. They could believe that the reason they were treated badly during this time is that they are bad and don’t deserve to be here. If this takes place, it will be essential for them to reflect on the fact that how they were treated as a child doesn’t mean that they have no value or mean that they don’t deserve to be here. What Took Place? Perhaps this was a time in their life when they were abused and/or neglected. Rather than being treated like a special human being who deserved to be here, they would have been treated like a worthless burden. It was then not that their caregivers chose to bring them into the world; it was as if they just appeared out of nowhere and were completely unwanted. How they were treated would have been seen as a sign that they had no value and didn’t deserve to exist, due to being egocentric. Moving Forward Ultimately, what took place was a reflection of what was taking place for their caregiver/s and had absolutely nothing to do with them. For them to realise this at the core of their being, there is a strong chance that they will need to work through a lot of inner wounds. Receiving positive feedback from others will be important too, but this is unlikely to have much of impact until they start to clear their inner baggage. By undertaking in this process, they will actually be able to accept and internalise the positive messages that they receive from others. Awareness If someone can relate to this, and they are ready to transform their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Just because someone was as abused as a child, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this now that they are an adult. This can primarily be the result of the defences that their mind has in place.
To handle what took place during their early years, so that their life didn’t come to an end, their mind would have utilised a number of different defence mechanisms. This would have been something that took place automatically. A Few Examples There would have been repression, with this allowing them to push their pain out of their awareness. Another one would have been idealisation, which would have caused them to develop an inaccurate view of their caregiver/s. This view wouldn’t have had anything to do with reality, but it would have stopped them from facing up the fact that their caregiver/s was anything but loving. Due to how dependent they were, it would have been too distressing for them to accept this. Rising Up Still, although a lot of what they went through can be hidden from their conscious mind, what is held in their unconscious mind is still going to seep through. What is taking place in this part of their being will affect how they feel, their thoughts, how they behave, and who they are drawn to. The outcome of this is that one can have a miserable existence but they won’t be able to work out why their life is the way that it is. They could believe that they were born this way or that there is just something inherently wrong with them. One Route Through having this outlook, they could end up being put on medication or just trying to change their thoughts via CBT. This approach may work or it might not, but what it won’t do is allow them to develop self-knowledge and to get to the root of what is going on. Also, it is highly unlikely that they will be able to resolve the emotional pain and trauma that is held in their body by changing their thoughts and behaviour. What this approach is likely to do is to simply push down how they feel, with it coming up later on or manifesting into a physical problem further down the line. A Different Route If, on the other hand, they were to end up having therapy, they would soon come to see that their early years were anything but nurturing. They may find that they experienced different kinds of abuse. There may have been physical, verbal, emotional and even sexual. Part of this process can involve them talking to their caregivers/s about what took place, that’s if they are still on this earth. The Next Step If they are not, there will be a number of other ways for them to say what they need to say and to work through their inner wounds. But, even if their caregiver/s is still alive, it doesn’t mean that they will get very far. After mustering up the courage to talk about what they went through, they may find that it falls on deaf ears. As far as their caregiver/s is concerned, what they talk about could be seen as having no basis in reality. Mixed Emotions At this point, one could find it hard to understand what is going on; they might even doubt their own experiences and feelings. This could even end up being a time when this person ends abusing them all over again. What they went through as a child will have pushed them to the limit and the same person/people won’t be able to acknowledge what took place all those years ago, causing them great pain in the process. Now, while their behaviour will seem strange, it could be said that it is not much of a surprise. Diving In The reason for this is that one of the reasons why they were abused during their early would have most likely been due to the fact that their caregiver/s lacked the ability to repair their shame. As a result of their inability to handle their own shame, they would have been out touch with their own shame and projected it into others. This would have taken place by seeing other people as bad and treating them like dirt. The other part of not being able to own their own shame is that it would have caused them to be shameless, meaning that they would have lacked the ability to take responsibility for anything. A Deeply Wounded Human Being If their caregiver/s was diagnosed, they would in all probability be labelled as having a narcissistic personality disorder. Through having an inability to repair their own shame, someone like is able to act in ways that are inhumane. The false-self - the inflated self - that they have created plays a big part in what allows them to keep their own shame at a bay. The other part of this is to continually dump it onto others. Generational Abuse At the beginning of their life, they probably also have at least one caregiver that also lacked the ability to repair their own shame. In other words, their caregiver could have also had a narcissistic personality disorder. The ability to repair shame is said to be something that is developed around five years old, providing they receive the right care. This takes place if a child is not continually shamed and when they do experience something that causes them to experience shame, a caregiver is typically at hand to soothe them – making it clear why they shouted at them (they might have been about to do something that would harm them) and that they are still loved, for instance. Destined To Happen Taking all this into account, if their caregiver/s lacked the ability to repair their own shame all those years ago, with this being one of the reasons why they were abusive, why would they be any different now? In order for them to acknowledge what took place, they would have to show remorse and this would require them to experience shame. They will still have weak, if not nonexistent, connection to their shame and this will prevent them form be able to act like a normal human being. Trying to get someone like this to acknowledge what took place, to apologise and to display empathy and compassion, will be like trying to get blood out of stone. Awareness So, if someone can relate to this, they will need to find another way to receive the validation that they need. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance. By doing this, they will gradually let go of the need for their caregiver/s to validate what they went through. It is important that one focuses on the fact that they didn’t deserve to be treated badly and what they went through wasn’t their fault.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was abused and/or neglected as a child, it doesn’t mean that their suffering will be over now that they are an adult. The reason for this is that while what took place will be over, what took place during this period of their life may have had a massive impact on them.
Many years will then have passed since that stage of their life, but in a lot of ways, it could be as though they are still there. To make matters worse, what they are going through could just be what is normal. A Disconnection What they are going through will largely be the result of what they went through as a child, but they might not be able to join the dots, so to speak. Thanks to how long they have experienced life in this way for, and perhaps not even realising that they were abused, they might not question what they are going through. Consequently, they won’t be able to see that what they are going through is not ‘normal’ and that there is a reason why their life is the way that it is. The outcome of this that their life is unlikely to get any better; in fact, it will probably get worse. Beaten Down One is then going to have a miserable existence but they won’t have the desire to do anything about what they are going through. Their fight instinct - the part of them that is there to keep them alive and to give them the strength they need to change their life - may have split-off from the rest of them. The part of them that would allow them to change their life is then not going to be available. Further, as they were treated so badly, they are unlikely to have the level of self-worth that would cause them to believe that they deserve to live a life that is worth living. It’s clear One way to look at this whole scenario would be to imagine that they are like a car that has not only had its wheels taken off, but it has also had its fuel removed. Like this car, one won’t be in a good way and they won’t have the fuel that they need to move forward. Even if they look fine on the outside, they will be like a car that has no engine. The inner strength and self-love that they need to change their life simply won’t be there. There is a way Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that it is not possible for them to change their life and that they will suffer forever. Just as a seed can become an almighty tree; they can gradually change their life. A seed can end up being planted in their mind and this seed can soon grow into a small tree. This could take place after they have read something or had a conversation with someone. Waking Up During this time, a new self can start to develop, with this self being different to the part of them that doesn’t believe that they deserve to experience life differently. This self may often be overshadowed by the self that is in a very bad way but it won’t always be this way, providing that they don’t give up on themselves. A key part of this will be for them to reach out for the support of a therapist or healer, for instance. The truth is that they deserve this support and there are people out there that will be only too happy to be there for them. Shinning the Light There are going to be a number of things that will need to take place for them to change their life. For one thing, they are likely to be carrying a lot of trauma and emotional wounds that need to be resolved. Along with this, there will be negative beliefs that they will need to change. Letting go of what doesn’t serve them will be important as will receiving what they need to be able to move forward, such as unconditional positive regard. Another Part What will also need to occur during this time is for them to look into what they expect and to see if their expectations are serving them. When it comes to an expectation, this will be something that they are completely certain will take place. There will be how they expect other people to treat them and what they expect to happen in their life. And, considering that they were not treated very well at the beginning of their life, there is a strong chance that they will have a number of expectations that are not benefitting them. A Closer Look So, thanks to what took place when they were younger, they may have some, if not all, of the following expectations:
Awareness Although these expectations will be a reflection of what took place at the beginning of their life, that doesn’t mean that they are the truth. However, while they are not the truth, if one expects something to happen, the level of belief that they have in something taking place can cause it to manifest. What this comes down to is that one is not just an observer of their reality; they are actively playing a part in how they experience life. This is why it will be vital for them to look into what they expect and to take their energy away from the expectations that are harmful.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone may see that they were abused as a child, it doesn’t mean that this is something they have realised for very long. If they have been aware of this for a little while, it doesn’t mean that they were very young when this became clear.
The main reason as to why it would have taken them a long time is due to how their mind handles painful experiences. What took place when they were younger would have probably been horrific, and, to keep them alive during this time, their mind would have utilised a number of different defence mechanisms. Life or Death These would have been utilised without them needing to do anything, which is a good thing as they would have had too much going on to be able to consciously select the right defences. Most of the defences that were put in place at this stage of their life would have most likely stayed with them until they were ready to remember some of the things that took place. Ergo, while they may have a clear understanding of what took place, there could still be things that are hidden from them. As they become stronger, what is hidden may gradually come to the surface. Two Parts Ultimately, these defences would have stopped the pain that they were in from wiping them out. This pain wouldn’t a have gone anywhere though; it will have just stayed in their unconscious mind/body. From the outside they would have looked like one person but, thanks to what they went through, they would have been anything but whole. They would have had many different split-off parts/selves inside them – perhaps they still do. No Connection Up until the point in time when they started to see why their life was the way it was, they might not have believed that their childhood years had anything to do with it. They may have believed that they were just born this way or that it was the result of something else. If someone did suggest that their early years may have played a part, they might have denied it. This could have been a time when they had a very idealistic view of their caregivers. A Tough Time As they had to let go of the illusion that their mind had created of their caregivers, it would have meant that coming to terms with what happened would then have been very difficult. Not only would they have been in a bad way, but they would have had to accept that the people who were supposed to love and protect them were the ones who mistreated them. The other part of this would be telling the people in their life about what happened and talking about what happened to their caregivers. What may have made matters worse is that their caregivers may have denied that they themselves were abusive, or minimized what took place. Confusion Most likely, this would have been hard for one to deal with. However, considering that they mistreated them to begin with, it could be said that this is not much of a surprise. This is based on the view that their caregivers had problems during this stage of their life and the problems that they had will have stayed with them, preventing them from being able to act like loving and balanced human beings. Through being told that they were not mistreated, or having these experiences minimized, one may have doubted themselves for a time. The Body Doesn’t Lie Yet, just as the earth sheds light on what has happened in the past; their body will have proved that what they said happened, happened. Their body will have been loaded up with the feelings that they experienced all those years ago and their physical body may have clearly shown that they had experienced trauma. What they may have heard at the beginning of their healing journey, and over the years, is that they need to forgive their parents. This may have been put forward as the way for them to let go of what happened. A Waste of Time If they tried to do this, they may have found that this just caused them to repress their true feelings and to live in denial. The whole focus on one needing to forgive their parents can be seen as a continuation of what took place when they were younger – a time when their reality was invalidated and they had to deny their needs. Thus, if part of them still believes that they need to forgive their parents, and this hasn’t allowed them to move forward, it will be essential for them to try a different approach. What is likely to be far more effective is for them to forget about forgiving anyone else, and to focus on forgiving themselves. Getting To the Root When they were being treated badly by their caregivers all those years ago, they would have been egocentric. Through being this way, they would have taken what happened personally; meaning that they wouldn’t have been able to see that how they were treated had nothing to do with their value as a human being. Many years will have passed but one can still feel as though they are to blame for what took place. If they are carrying toxic shame and self-hate, for instance, this can show that this is so. Awareness The truth is that what took place had nothing to do with them; it was simply a reflection of what was taking place for their caregivers. Their caregivers may have also been abused by their caregivers. If someone can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone’s Need For Validation Stop Them From Being Able To Heal From Child Abuse?3/5/2020
If, after being abused and/or neglected as a child, someone was to get to a point in their adult life where they realised that this is what took place, they may experience a strong need for their experiences to be validated. It might seem strange as to why it took them so long to realise that this is that took place, but, this is usually what happens.
There are at least two reasons as to why it would have taken a while for them to become aware of what happened. Firstly, what they experienced would have been normal, meaning that they wouldn’t have known that it was abuse. Protection Along with this, their mind would have blocked out what took place, causing their conscious mind to ‘forget’ about their early experiences. This would have been something that their mind did to keep them alive. What they went through during their early years would have probably been hard for an adult to handle, let alone a child. Thus, although losing touch with what took place will have caused them problems as an adult, there was a time when it was the only option that they had. The Signs Before they started to re-member what took place (to connect to the information in their body), they may have experienced a number of different challenges. However, this is not to say that these will have simply disappeared now that their defences have started to crumble. They may have often felt depressed, suicidal and lived a life that was anything but fulfilling. A number of their relationships could have been abusive, or they might not have had any close connections with anyone. A Rough Time Perhaps they found it hard to connect to their feelings and were emotionally numb most of the time. Or, they may have experienced a fair amount of fear and anxiety, with it being as though they were in a warzone. To top it off, they may have had a very strong inner citric that was only too happy to lay into them. Most, if not all, of what they were going through, may have been things that very few people knew about. Connecting the Dots When it comes to why they are gradually starting to realise why their life has been the way that it is, it could be due to a number of reasons. Perhaps they ended up reaching out for support and the person that they worked with was able to shine the light on what was going on. Maybe they just felt the urge to search for something online, with this being a time when they came across something that went into the impact on child abuse. One piece of the puzzle would have been put into place and more pieces will have been added over time. The Current Position Now, if they were to compare how their life was before they were aware of what happened and what it is like now that they are, they may find that not a lot has changed. This could simply be because they have only just started to heal their inner wounds. Regardless of how far they have progressed on their healing journey, they may find that they have a strong need for their caregiver/s (or whoever else it was) to validate their early experiences. Said another way, they will want them to acknowledge what they did and to express remorse. Liberation Considering how they were treated by their caregiver/s, it could be said that this is the least that they could do for them. If the person/people that were supposed to love, protect and to care for them did this, it could lead to incredible healing. But, while they will have this need, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to do anything about it. If they were to open up to their caregiver/s about what happened, they might not get very far. Invalidation When they open up, they could end up being told that they are basically making it all up and that it didn’t happen. Or, they could be told that it wasn’t as bad as they make out and that they just need to move on. The type of response that they receive could be very similar to how it was when they were younger, with their thoughts and feelings being ignored. What they are going through will be bad enough and this can just make it even worse. It’s not personal Ultimately, their caregiver/s will be denial, and this could show that they are emotionally shut down. Maybe, they were also abused and/or neglected during their early years and have had to lose touch with their own feelings (reality) to stop themselves from falling apart. The outcome of this is that they will lack empathy and compassion, and it simply won’t be possible for them to face up to how they treated their child or how their caregiver/s treated them. Their primary motivation won’t be to invalidate their child; it will be to keep their own trauma at bay. Cutting the Cord With this in mind, one is not going to be able to truly move forward if they want their caregiver/s to validate what they went through. Somehow, they will need to let go of this need. Fortunately, there are a number of other ways that this can take place. One way is for them to find what Alice Miller described as a ‘compassionate witness’; this is someone who can validate what they went through and give them the support that they need. Awareness This is why the assistance of a therapist or a healer is so important, as someone like this can be a compassionate witness. Through receiving their support, one can start to develop an adult self that will be able to validate what their child self/selves went through. They might not be able to accept it as this point in time but what they went through wasn’t their fault and they deserve to live a fulfilling life. The main thing is that they keep going and don’t give up on themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can’t be denied is that everyone on this planet is going to die at one point or another. Thus, to say this is not being ‘negative’, it is simply stating something that is part of the human experience.
This doesn’t mean that someone should endlessly think about the fact that they will die. Nonetheless, thinking about this from time to time can help one to live in a way that is in alignment with who they truly are and not to waste time. No Rush If someone lived forever, it would probably be hard for them to appreciate anything. This is similar to how it can be hard for one to appreciate something if they have more or less always had it. Along with this, they would most likely become numb to life and lose interest in the life that they had been given. On the plus side, they could attain a lot of wisdom that could be passed down to others. One Experience So, even though endlessly thinking about death is not going to serve someone, there are going to be people in the world that are consumed by it. When this is the case, someone might not just think about it, they can also feel as though it is going to happen. This could be something that takes place at least once a day or it could take place a few times a week, for instance. It is then not that they will die at some point in the future; it is something that is about to happen. A Hellish Existence To live in this way is going to be anything but enjoyable, and one could wonder if their life will ever change. For quite some time, they could have been at the point where they no longer want to live in the same way or to live at all. If their life has been this way for as long as they can remember, it doesn’t mean that they will have an idea as to why it is this way. What could come to mind is that they were simply born this way. Very Tiring One of the reasons why living in this way is going to be such a challenge is because they will be used to living in fight or flight mode. Whenever they feel as though they are going to die, their survival brain will kick it. When this happens, their body will be filled with adrenalin, causing them to breathe rapidly, their heart rate to increase, and for them to have heightened senses, amongst other things. At other times, their body could freeze up (the freeze response) and they could dissociate. Endless Stress If they are able to settle down, then, it might not be long until they are soon on edge. There is also the chance that they are unable to settle down, with them either being on edge or feeling burnt out. Each of the survival responses that they go into has a purpose; the trouble is that they are going into these too easily and too often. It is only natural that this is going to have a negative effect on their whole being. A Normal Week When they feel as though they are going to die, it could be due to a number of reasons. If they were to have a disagreement with someone or asserted themselves, they could feel as though their life is under threat. They could be next to someone who acting aggressively and they could soon fear for their life. If they were to pay a lot of attention to the mainstream media, this is something that could take place whenever they watch or listen to this source of information. A Deeper Look If one was to look back on what took place during their early years, they might not be able to remember what took place. Then again, they could remember that this time in their life was very traumatic. What this may illustrate is that this was a time when they were abused and/or neglected. At a time in their life when they were dependent, powerless and extremely vulnerable, their small body and developing brain would have been put under enormous stress. Defenceless Day after day, year after year, they would have felt that their life was going to come to an end. It would have been like being in a warzone, except that one wouldn’t have had any way of getting away from what was taking place. Of course, they would have been able to leave their body and to freeze up, but they still had to experience what was going on. Taking all this into account, it is not a surprise that they continually feel like they are going to die now that they are an adult. Stuck In The Past What took place is now over, which means that one survived what took place. However, the reason why one is unable to see that this is the case and that this stage of their life is now over is due to the trauma that they are carrying. The emotional flashbacks that they have are what are causing them to perceive life in the same way and to feel powerless and helpless as a result. For their life to change, it will be essential for them to deal with this emotional pain. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone End Up Being Emotionally Disconnected If They Were Abused As A Child?19/3/2020
If someone was to take a step back and to reflect on how they experience life, what they may find is that they are typically out of touch with how they feel. During the moments when this isn’t the case, that’s if they have these moments, it could be because something dramatic has taken place.
For example, one could experience the end of a relationship or a loved one could pass on and they could soon end up experiencing a number of different feelings. Nevertheless, it might not be long until they go back to how they were before. Confusion After thinking about how they experience life, they might wonder why they are this way. Furthermore, they might think about how different they are to those that are in touch with their own feelings. It might seem as though these people are normal and that there is something inherently wrong with them. In fact, there may have even been people that have said this to them both directly and indirectly over the years. Extending Themselves One thing that they are likely to find is that it is hard for them to feel close to others and to form deeper connections with them. The reason being that they will rarely have access to the part of them that would allow this to take place: their emotional self. As a result of this, they could be used to feeling cut-off from others and as though they are alone. If they do connect with others, it could be a mental connection or something that takes place through sharing their body – a sexual connection. The Only Option Whenever the feel alone, then, they could often find someone to share their body with. For a short period of time, this will allow them to feel connected to another human being and to no longer feel numb. Another way that this could take place is by consuming something that will allow them to feel alive. This could take place by drinking or taking something that will momentarily bring them to life. One Conclusion If they do believe that there is something inherently wrong with them, the next thing that could come to mind is that they were born this way. While this outlook might seem accurate, it will mean that there is very little that they can do to change their life. They will just have to tolerate what is going on and to continue to live a life that is anything but fulfilling. What they are going through could be bad enough, but having this outlook is likely to make it even worse. Going Deeper Now, while it may seem as though they were born this way, there is a strong chance that this is not so. The reason that they are like they are could be due to what took place during their early years. What took place during this stage of their life could be what caused them to become a ‘divided’ human being. Still, one might not be able to remember what took place at this stage of their life. The Past Is Present This won’t matter, though, as how they currently experience life will be a consequence of what happened many years ago. When it comes to what took place when they were younger, this may have been a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. Therefore, they would have experienced what is often described as ‘complex’ trauma. There wouldn’t have been one trauma that affected them; there would have been numerous traumas – both big and small - that affected them. Ill-Equipped Their whole system would have been overwhelmed each time and unable to integrate what took place, and the only way for them to handle what was going on would have been to dissociate and to leave their body. As they were small and totally dependent on their caregivers, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to run away or to fight back. Ultimately, leaving their body is what kept them alive; they probably wouldn’t be here if this hadn’t occurred. Now that this stage of their life is over, it is no longer necessary for them to be out of touch with their body. Protection Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that one can just get back into their body and become an integrated human being. What took place is in the past but all of the arousal that they experienced is most likely trapped in their body. Taking this into account, if one was to get back in touch with their body, they could end up being completely overwhelmed. Staying out of this part of their being is then going to be a way for them to ‘keep it together’. A Massive Build-Up The defences that their mind has created will generally allow them to keep this pain at bay; without these, they could end up being in a very bad way. This is very similar to how a plug might be used to stop water from pouring out. The water wants to come out and the longer it stays there, the more pressure will build up. It will also take a lot of energy to keep the emotional energy inside them at bay. Awareness With this in mind, it is not as simple as getting in touch with this pain and letting it go; it will have to be worked through one layer at a time. Each layer will come up when one is ready to face it, not before. When it comes to working through these layers of pain/trauma, one will probably need the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Someone like this can hold the space so that one can go where they wouldn’t go by themselves.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online. Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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