Emotional Self: Can Developmental Trauma Cause Someone To Lose Touch With Their Emotional Self?4/10/2024
Even though someone has a thinking and a feeling self, it doesn’t mean that they will be in touch with both of these selves. Instead, they can typically be in touch with the former but not the latter.
However, if this is just what is normal, they might not realise that they don’t have a very good connection with this other part of them. Yet, even if they are not aware of this, being this way is likely to have a negative impact on their life. One Part So, they can often feel lost when it comes to what to do in each moment and in their life as a whole. Consequently, they can be overly reliant on others for guidance and often do what they think they should be doing. The outcome of this is that they can often experience a sense of being unfulfilling and as though they are on the wrong track. But, they can believe that there is nothing that they can do about it. Another part Additionally, they can find it hard to develop deeper connections with others and feel close to them. If they have a few friends, then, these are likely to be surface-level connections. As a result, they can often have a sense of being on the outside and isolated from others. Due to this, they could be desperate to experience deeper connections with others. A Key Component What this illustrates is how important their emotional self is when it comes to them being able to live a fulfilling life. Without being strongly connected to this part of them, they won’t be able to operate as a whole human being. The challenge, of course, is that until they become aware of what is going on, they won’t be able to change their life. In order for them to become aware of what is going on, they might need to experience something that is fairly significant. The Catalyst What could allow them to gradually see how out of touch they are from their emotional self is a breakup or the loss of a loved one, for instance. Something like this could cause them to come into contact with a lot of painful feelings. Now, they could believe that how they feel has been caused by what has taken place but there is likely to be far more to it. What has taken place externally is likely to have unlocked pain that was held outside of their conscious awareness, in other parts of their brain and body. Two Parts There will then be the pain that they are experienced thanks to what has happened and then will be the pain that has no connection to what has happened. Nonetheless, what has happened will have undermined the defences that they had in place, allowing repressed pain to seep into their couscous mind. If they were to become aware of this, they could wonder where this other pain has come from. What is likely to shed light on this is if they were to think about what their early years were like. Back In Time This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing, with it being a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded by one or both of their parents. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been neglected and perhaps physically harmed. To handle what took place, their emotional self would have been split-off and they would have left their body to allow them to keep together and function. Quite simply, if they had stayed connected to this part of them and remained connected to their body, they would have been overwhelmed and their life would have probably come to an end. An Adaption As they were powerless and dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to defend themselves or find help. This is why their only option would have been to lose touch with what was going on inside them. Moreover, their conscious mind would have forgotten all about what happened. The trouble is that although adapting in this way allowed them to survive a brutal stage of their life, it will now be causing them to suffer unnecessarily. Moving Forward For them to reconnect their emotional self and get back into their body, they are likely to have a lot of pain and arousal to work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Early Deprivation: Can Someone Be Out Of Touch With Their True Self If Their Parents Lacked Empathy?3/10/2024
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life is that they don’t have a good connection with how they feel or their needs. They could then see that their life is largely driven by their need to please others and what is ‘right’.
Consequently, their life is not going to be a reflection of who they really are. But, as frustrating as it will be and as unfulfilling as their life is, they are likely to find that they can’t just change their behaviour. Inner Conflict If they were to merely think about changing their life, they could feel anxious and fearful. Doing what is right for them is then going to be seen as something that is wrong and a threat to their survival. But, as they won’t have a strong connection to their needs and feelings, even if they didn’t feel uncomfortable, they wouldn’t be able to freely live their life. At this point, they could wonder why they are this way. Nothing New If they were to look back on their life, what might soon stand out is that they have lived a life that is out of alignment with who they are for as long as they can remember. Throughout this time, this is also what will have felt safe and they won’t have had a good connection with their needs and feelings either. What this is likely to illustrate is that their early years were a time when they missed out on what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. The connection that they had to their needs and feelings when they were born, assuming that their time in their mother’s womb and birth was not traumatic, will then have gradually been severed. A Gradual Process From the moment that they were born, what they needed was a mother who was generally attuned and able to meet their needs. This would have allowed them to not only stay connected to their true, embodied self but also for their emotional self to develop. They would have been born in an emotionally dependent state and their mothers and fathers care would have allowed them to move out of this state. They would have had a physical and an emotional birth. A Very Different Reality Instead, they are likely to have had a mother who generally didn’t attune to their needs and met them. This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle the pain that this caused them, they would have gradually disconnected from their body. This would have caused them to lose touch with their feelings and number of their needs. No Choice As they were powerless and dependent, they were not in a position to change their mother or father or find another family who could provide them with what they needed. This is why they had to lose touch with their connected, true self and develop a disconnected, false self. Instead of their awareness being in their body and their head, it will have moved into their head. Not only this, but a large part of their attention would have ended up being outer-directed and focused on their mother’s and perhaps their father’s needs. The Priority A stage of their life when they needed to receive would have been a time when they were forced to give. In all likelihood, their mother and perhaps their father were also developmentally stunted and were not in a position to provide them with the emotional nutrients that they needed. Due to how underdeveloped they were, they still needed to be mothered and perhaps fathered. And, as they were the ones who had the power, their needs ended up taking centre stage. Two Stages With this in mind, losing touch with themselves allowed them to survive a brutal stage of their life but, now that they are an adult, being estranged from themselves and focused on others won’t be serving them. Now that they are an adult, they can give themselves the attunement and care that they missed out on as a child. This means that they can start to attune to themselves and see what is right for them. At first, they might not be able to connect to how they feel and what their needs are, but, by staying with this process, their ability to connect to their needs and feelings will improve. Another Part Additionally, they will need to reconnect to their body as this is where their feelings and a number of their needs will be found. For them to do this, they are likely to have defences to work through. Once they start to work through these defences and develop a better connection to their body, they will come into contact with the pain and unmet developmental needs that they had to repress during their formative years. Working through this pain and experiencing their unmet developmental needs will play a big part in allowing them to stay in their body. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone will have had a physical birth, it doesn’t mean that they had an emotional birth. When it comes to the former, this is something that would have taken place automatically.
However, when it comes to the latter, this would have largely depended on how emotionally available their mother and perhaps their father were. But, even if they didn’t receive the emotional nutrients that they needed for their emotional self to grow and develop, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. Hidden In fact, they might not remember a great deal about this stage of their life. And, if they were to think about it, they could think about how it ‘wasn’t that bad’ and believe that other people have it far worse. If this is the case, it doesn’t mean that they have consciously chosen to forget about what it was like. Most likely, their brain will have blocked out what was going on during their formative years and this information will have continued to be repressed. The outcome Along with this, they are likely to have created a view of reality during this time that made it easier for them to handle what was going on. As they were egocentric, this would have related to them being bad and their parent or parents being good. Of course, as they were powerless and dependent at this stage, it would have been too much for them to accept that their parent or parents couldn’t give them what they needed. Moreover, believing that they were to blame would have given them the hope, the false hope, that they could change what was going on. A Defensive System Due to this, the view that they have of their childhood won’t be accurate but they won’t be aware of this. Nonetheless, while this stage of their life will be in the past, the impact that it had on them won’t be. As a result of what they missed out on, they can suffer in a variety of different ways. So, they can often feel low and empty, often experience self-doubt, and struggle to feel a sense of belonging. Another Part Thanks to what typically takes place inside them, they are unlikely to live a life that is very fulfilling. So, they could work somewhere that is soul-destroying, or they could do something that they enjoy but not have been able to get very far. If they are in an intimate relationship, their partner might not be abusive but they might not appreciate them. Furthermore, they might not have any close friends. At The Root Beyond what is going inside them and how this impacts their outer world, there will be how they feel deep down. This will relate to how they feel outside of their conscious awareness and in their unconscious mind. At this level, they can feel worthless, unloved, as though they don’t belong and unsafe. In other words, they are not going to embody a sense of wholeness. A Mirror If they had a felt sense of worth, love, belonging and safety, their outer world would be radically different. The reason for this is that they are not merely an observer of reality; what is taking place inside them has an impact on how they experience life. This is because, beyond their physical appearance, they are made up of vibrating energy. The feelings that they embody will cause them to be drawn to people, things and circumstances that are aligned with their level of consciousness and repel the people, things and circumstances that aren’t. A key Point This is why it has been said that ‘we attract what we are, not what we want’. For them to consistently have experiences where they are valued, loved, accepted and feel at home, they will need to embody these feelings or this inner state. Now, if their early years were a time when they had a mother and a father who were generally attuned and caring, they are likely to embody these feelings. They would have a deep sense that they are valuable, loved, belong and are safe. An Important Process This illustrates how important love is when it comes to growing and developing in the right way. If their parent or parents had been able to love them, they would have received the emotional nutrients that they needed for their inner wholeness to be activated. As opposed to feeling like an empty vessel that needs filling up, they would have a sense of wholeness. They would then feel like an interdependent not a dependent human being. Moving Forward When they become aware of what is going on, for them to go through an emotional birth, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Someone Lack A Felt Sense Of Belonging If They Experienced Early Deprivation?20/9/2024
Even though someone has the right to be here and have their needs met, it doesn’t mean that they will know this at the core of their being. Instead, deep down, they can have the sense that they don’t deserve to be here or have their needs met.
Now, although this is something that they can be fully aware of, it could also be something that they are unaware of. If they are in the first position, they will be able to do something about this. Another Reality However, if they are in the second position, it won’t be possible for them to do anything about it. What is going on for them at a deeper level will then be running their life and they are likely to suffer in a variety of ways. So, due to what is going on for them, they can have the tendency to feel lonely and to be on the outside in life. They might not have any close friends or be in an intimate relationship. One Area This could be how their life had been for many, many years. They are then typically going to be deprived of the human contact that they need to be at their best. What this comes down to is that as they are an interdependent human being, they need others. If they were purely independent, it wouldn’t matter if they rarely if ever experienced human warmth and affection. Another Area Now, if they have a job, they could do something that is soul-destroying and have been in this job for years. Or, this is a job that is fairly new, their last job might not have been much different. But, as bleak as it will be for them to have this job, this can be seen as the only option that they have. They could think about the people who have a job that is very fulfilling and see this as something that is not an option for them. A Miserable Existence They are then going to have the sense, perhaps an unconscious sense, that although other people can live a life that is fulfilling, they are unable to live a life like this. If they were to think about why their life is this way, they could conclude that they are unlucky. They might also believe that they lack something that other people have. Consequently, they will just have to tolerate what is going on and do the best that they can to keep going. What’s going on? If something were to take place that caused them to take a step back and reflect on their life and on what is taking place inside them, they could soon see that they don’t have a felt sense that they deserve to be here or have their needs met. At this point, they could wonder why this is. If they were to see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it can show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were deprived and deeply wounded. Back In Time Throughout this stage of their life, their mother and perhaps their father might have largely been emotionally available and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have been critical and/or physically abusive. This would have prevented them from receiving the attunement and care that they needed to develop a felt sense of belonging. If this hadn’t taken place, they would have known that they belong and are worthy and deserving of being here and having their needs met. An Outsider By missing out on the emotional nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way, they would have felt unwanted, rejected, unworthy and undeserving of having their needs met and being alive. However, while this is how they would have responded to the lack of love that was on offer, they didn’t deserve to be treated in this way. This then means that they are worthy and deserving of being here and having their needs met. The reason that their parent or parents didn’t give them what they needed was most likely because they didn’t have it to give. It wasn’t Personal But, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, they would have believed that there was something wrong with them. Another part of this is that by blaming themselves, they were able to live in the hope, the false hope, that if they did what their parent or parents wanted, they would finally be loved. For them to change their life, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone will have a mental and an emotional self, it doesn’t mean that they will be in touch with both of these selves. What can be normal is for them to be connected to their mental self but disconnected from their emotional self.
But, due to how normal this is, they might not be consciously aware of the fact that they don’t have a good connection with this other part of them. However, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that being this way won’t undermine them. A Big Impact The reason for this is that their emotional self will provide them with guidance and allow them to connect deeply with others. Thus, without this part of them on board, they won’t have access to a lot of inner guidance and their relationships with others are not going to have the level of depth that they would have otherwise. As a result, they can often be confused when it comes to what they should do and how they should live their life. Additionally, they can have the tendency to experience a sense of loneliness and disconnection from others. The Outcome When it comes to what they do, then, they can look toward others and rely on their mind. But, as others are on their own path and their mind doesn’t have a strong connection to their feeling self, they are likely to often do things that are not right for them. To handle the sense of loneliness and disconnection that they often experience, they can look toward food, drugs or alcohol, for instance. This will temporarily allow them to avoid what is really going on for them. External Feedback And, if the people in their life were to describe them, some of them could say that they often come across as distant, detached and cold. To these people, it could be as if one is typically out of reach. They might even say that they don’t appear to have a very good connection with their feelings. If there are other people who can see what is going on it won’t be a surprise as these people will be on the outside, so to speak, and therefore, will be able to see more clearly. Stepping Back Now, there can be a point in time when one will be able to see that they don’t have a good connection with their emotional self. At this point, they could wonder why they are like this. What could enter their mind is that there is something inherently wrong with them. And, if they have been criticised over the years for being this way, this could also play a part in why they have come to this conclusion. A Closer Look Yet, while they can come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. There is a chance that they are this way because of what took place during their formative years and how they had to adapt to handle what happened. So, throughout this stage of their life, they might have had a parent or parents who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach and even abusive. This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Totally Defenceless The trouble was that as they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to do anything about what was going on or find a family that could love them. Their only option was to lose touch with their emotional self and bring their awareness out of their body and into their head. Of course, this wouldn’t have changed what was going on but it would have stopped them from being consciously aware of the hurt they were experiencing and the pain that they were in. Below their level of awareness, then, they would have still suffered but adapting in this way would have allowed them to survive. The Priority Instead of being able to grow and develop, which would have taken place if they had received the love that they needed, their focus was on making sure that their life didn’t come to an end. With this in mind, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t be an integrated human being now that they are an adult. If they do blame themselves for how disconnected they are, they will need to keep in mind that they didn’t choose to be this way. They are worthy of their own support and compassion. Moving Forward For them to reconnect to their body and have access to their feelings, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even if someone fears that they are going to die, it doesn’t mean that they will generally be aware of this. Now, there will be a time when their life will come to an end; of course, death is part of life.
However, the difference here is that when it comes to the former, this will be something that has a negative impact on their life. Yet, when it comes to the latter, this can be something that they just accept as part of life. Hidden So, if they do fear that they are going to die and they are generally not aware of this, it is likely to be due to how they live their life. What this can mean is that they will live a life that is very restricted, for instance. They might have had the same job for years, if not decades, and they might have lived in the same area for their whole life. Moreover, they might have been in the same relationship for a while, or they might have more or less always been with someone. A Sense of Dissatisfaction But, although the life that they lead might typically allow them to avoid what is going on for them at a deeper level, they can often feel frustrated, trapped and unfulfilled. During these moments, it can be as though something is missing. Nonetheless, it might not be long until they put these feelings and the thoughts that go with them to one side and carry on as normal. Yet, there can be moments when something changes externally and they end up experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety. All at Sea If so, they will uprooted and unstable, and they might struggle to understand what is going on. What can enter their mind is that they simply suffer from anxiety. The outcome of this is that they could end up going on medication. This might make it easier for them to function but it certainly won’t allow them to get to the bottom of what is going on for them. The Trigger What can play a part in the upheaval that they experience is a breakup, the loss of a loved one, or a job loss. The sense of security that was provided by something externally will have come to an end. Consequently, some of the material that was outside of their conscious awareness will have entered their conscious mind. The trouble is that as they are not aware of what is going on when this takes place, they won’t be able to resolve what is going on. The Next Stage Having said that, there can come a point in time when they do become aware of what has been hidden inside them for however long. After something significant has taken place, they can not only experience fear and anxiety but they can feel as though their life is going to end. There can then be terror and they can end up disconnecting from themselves. This will have taken place automatically to prevent them from being overwhelmed, and, thus, ensure their survival. What’s going on? At this point, it could be said that there is no reason for them to feel as though they are going to die after they experience a breakup, lose a loved one or lose their job. What they are going through is then going to be irrational. But, if they were able to go back in time and see what it was like for them during their developmental years, what is going on for them as an adult might soon make complete sense. For example, throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been deprived of the attunement and care that they needed and been left. A Brutal Time This could be how it was for them practically from the moment that they were born or it might have taken place slightly later on. Either way, this would have been a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. When the care that they needed wasn’t provided, as they were powerless and dependent, they couldn’t change what was going on. Their only option would have been to disconnect from themselves. Life and Death At this time, then, they would have felt as though their life was going to come to an end and then what was going on for them would have been repressed and thereby, removed from their conscious awareness. Along with losing touch with how they felt and, over time, their body, they would have lost touch with reality. This stage of their life would have been filled with moments when they felt like death was imminent, only for their brain to disconnect them from what was going on. Due to this, they wouldn’t have fully experienced what was going on for them. The past is Present As these experiences were not fully faced and resolved, what seemed like it was going to happen will now be seen as something that will happen. At the same time, they were not in a position to be able to face and integrate what was going on. Taking all this into account, for them to no longer be controlled by what they experienced very early on and be able to freely express themselves, they are going to have trauma to resolve. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone Believe That Their True Self Is Bad?29/8/2024
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they tend to hide their needs and how they feel. Along with this, there might also be parts of themselves and interests that they keep hidden.
Due to this, most, if not all, of the people in their life are not going to know who they really are. It then might not matter if they have a few friends or a number of friends as they are likely to often feel disconnected and lonely. The Norm What might soon enter their mind is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. If so, they are not going to be able to think of a time when they freely expressed themselves. After thinking about this, they could believe that it is strange that they are this way. They might even think that there is no reason for them to behave in this way. A Bizarre Experience If they were to observe what takes place when they are around another or others, they could find that they play a role. They are then going to say and do things that are not in alignment with their needs or how they feel. It could be as though someone or something ‘out there’ is in control of them. So, they could typically come across as though everything is fine and they are needless, for instance. Going Deeper Now, after experiencing life in this way for however long, they could be sick and tired of living in this way. But, if they believe that what is going on ‘out there’ is the issue, they are not going to be able to do a great deal. They will just have to tolerate what is going on and to hope that their life changes sooner or later. Nonetheless, what if what is going on ‘out there’ is not what is causing them to behave in this way? Another Angle What if what is going on inside them is what is causing them to behave in a way that is not serving them? At this point, they could say that this is not true as they want to freely express themselves. Still, if they were to imagine that they live a life where they freely express themselves, they might soon become aware of why they live in this way. When they first imagine doing this, they can feel good and relieved. The Other Side After a while, though, they can feel anxious and fearful and expect to be rejected and abandoned. If this is what takes place, they can wonder why doing what is right for them would feel so uncomfortable. As strange as this may seem, if they were to think about what their early years were like, it might soon make complete sense. This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing. Back In Time The reason for this is that their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, one or both of them might have been verbally and/or physically abusive. Not receiving the emotional nutrients that they needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. Furthermore, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. The Fall Out To handle what was going on, they would have gradually lost touch with how they felt and a number of their needs and feelings. This would have also involved them disconnected from their body and therefore, their true self, and creating a disconnected and outer-directed false self. Not only would this have stopped them from being aware of the pain they were in and the needs that wouldn’t be met, but it would have also been a way for them to try to be loved. But, as one or both of their parents couldn’t provide them with what they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. The Struggle Continues Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life but they will still be trying to receive the love that they missed out on. And, thanks to the meaning that their underdeveloped brain made, they will believe that if they do fully show up, they will be ostracised as they are worthless and unlovable. As this stage of their life is over, it is too late for them to receive this love and they are not worthless or unlovable. For them to let go of their need to receive the love that they missed out on as a child and know this, at the core of their being, they are likely to have a lot of inner work to do. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Now that someone is in their forties or fifties, they could have a deep sense that something is missing. This can mean that certain parts of their life are no longer satisfying, or this could relate to their whole life.
Along with the sense that they are living in the wrong way, they can start to wonder who they are. In a way, it can be as though they were asleep at one point and now they have woken up. Inner Experience Thanks to what is going on; in addition to feeling a deep sense of dissatisfaction, they can also experience fear and anxiety. Part of them can worry that they won’t be able to change their life and it will stay this way until their last breath. Another part of them, on the other hand, can feel extremely restless and need to do something to change their life. To this part, if they don’t do something soon, it will be too late. The Catalyst When it comes to why they are this way, it can show that they have recently been through something stressful. So, they might have lost their job, had a breakup, lost a loved one, or had a serious illness. Before this had taken place, they might have often wondered if life had more to offer and felt dissatisfied, but that might have been it. If so, they might have typically pushed these thoughts out of their mind. One option By facing what going on for them and exploring why they feel this way, they can start to connect to their needs and gradually create a life that is in alignment with who they are. The view that they have of themselves can change as time passes, too. A key part of this process can involve them grieving the loss of the person they were and what they thought they would receive. This will help them to start again and embrace a new life. Another Direction Alternatively, they can avoid deeply examining their life and soon come to the conclusion that their life will change once they have achieved “fill-in-the-blank”. They can then direct their time and energy into earning more money, transforming their body and/or starting a new relationship, for instance. This can be something that more or less consumes them for a number of months, if not years. But, once they have achieved whatever it is that they set out to achieve, they can experience a deep sense of emptiness and feel let down. Going Around In Circles At this point, they might believe that they need to achieve something else or a number of things and then, they will finally feel different. Then again, they could believe that no matter what they achieve, their life will never change. If so, they can feel totally helpless and hopeless. Due to how low they feel, they might even question if they want to continue. What going on? The reason that this approach is not working is that, deep down, they can be trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child. If so, before they fully embraced the sense that something was missing and questioned who they are, they would have been unconsciously driven by this need. And, when they partly embraced this, it would have been clear to a small part of them that what they were doing wasn’t working. Once they come up with a new goal or a number of goals, a big part of them would have lived in the hope that this time it would be different. Two Parts But, as this stage of their life is over, it won’t matter what they do, so no matter what they achieve or attain, they will experience a sense of emptiness and despair afterwards. That’s if, of course, they allow themselves to embrace how they feel. Additionally, as their need to receive the love that they missed out on as a child will be coming from their wounded child parts and not their adult self, a number of their needs will be overlooked. And, for them to live a fulfilling life, they will need to meet their adult needs. Back In Time During their formative years, their parent and/or parents might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle the lack of love that was on offer, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs. Still, they would have lived in the hope, the false hope, that if they did what their parent or parents wanted, they would be loved. The outcome As they were egocentric, they wouldn’t have been able to see that it didn’t matter what they did as their parent or parents couldn’t love them. Experiencing a sense of hope would have also served as a defence that allowed them to keep their feelings and some of their needs at bay. Many years will have passed since that stage of their life but, their need to be loved by their parent or parents will be driving their behaviour. Now that many years have passed since that stage of their life and they have arrived at the stage where how they are living is not serving them, it will be a lot harder, if not impossible, for them to be driven by a need that wasn’t met for them decades ago. Moving Forward By no longer having the same desire and energy to behave in the same way or as much of their life left, it will have become easier for them to face reality. Their unconscious mind can then continue to project the fulfilment of their unmet need to be loved into people, things and places but this illusion won’t be as effective as it was before. For them to let go of their need to receive the love that they missed out on and live a life that is in alignment with their true self as opposed to their wounded self, they are likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For quite some time now, someone might have suffered from depression. As a result of this, they can typically have a low mode, not be able to experience pleasure or be interested in doing a great deal.
Due to this, days, weeks, months and even years might have passed by but they won’t have been able to make the most of this time. In general, it can be as though they are on the outside looking in. A Bleak Existence Thanks to how disconnected and lifeless they generally feel, they might often wonder why they are alive. What can play a part in why this is something that they think about is that they can compare their life with others. Then again, they could simply think about how much of their life has passed and how little motivation they have to change it and struggle to see a reason why they should be here. Or, they might have tried to change their life but have not been able to make much progress. A Waste of time So, they might have tried medication, different supplements, had cognitive behavioural therapy and exercised. In the beginning, what they tried, regardless of what it was, might have worked but they might have soon gone back to how they were before. They might then have gotten their hopes up, only to experience an even greater sense of despair as time passed. If this is the case, they could believe that it is not possible for them to change how they experience life and that their life will always be this way. External Feedback Still, there could be at least one person in their life who tells them to keep going and not give up on themselves. Yet, if a small part of them doesn’t want to give up, another, bigger part of them might not be able to handle living in this way for much longer. Naturally, if they have experienced life in this way for a very long time, it is to be expected that they will have been worn down and don’t have a strong need to be here. Right now, they could believe that it would take a miracle for them to change. A New Direction If they were able to take a step back and think about when they first started to experience life in this way, what might enter their mind is that they went through something very stressful. So, they could find that they experienced a breakup, lost a loved one or lost their job, for instance. After this, they ended up going from someone who could somewhat embrace, if not fully embrace life, to someone who simply couldn’t embrace life. If they were able to remember how they felt during this time, they could find that they felt helpless and hopeless. A Big Impact Additionally, they may find that they went into an emotionally collapsed state and mentally disconnected from themselves. Their parasympathetic nervous system would have been activated and they would have become disembodied. Therefore, part of them would have gone down and another part of them, their awareness, would have gone up. Furthermore, what took place for them at a mental, emotional and physical level is likely to have had an impact on their hormones and neurotransmitters and is likely to continue to do so. The Big Picture Taking this into account, if they have taken medication, tried different supplements, had cognitive behavioural therapy and exercised to try to change how they experience life and this hasn’t worked, this is not going to be much of a surprise. Each of these approaches will have been focused on the effects of what is going on for them but not the cause. When it comes to medication, then, this is likely to have been aimed at changing what is going on in their brain and enhancing certain chemicals. This would have been based on the view that their inability to produce enough serotonin was causing them to be depressed. The others When it comes to the supplements that they used, some of these would have likely been aimed at increasing their serotonin levels. As for cognitive behavioural therapy, they may have been told that their ‘negative’ thoughts and beliefs were playing a big part in why they were depressed. And, finally, exercise was probably also seen as a way for them to increase their feel-good brain chemicals and, thus, feel better about themselves. If they tried this and felt better for a while, it is likely to be because the chemicals that were released aided in repression and, thereby, prevented their conscious mind from being flooded by input from other areas of their brain. At the root What each of these approaches would have overlooked is the fact that they are likely to be carrying trauma and unless this is dealt with, they are unlikely to get to the root of the issue. It can seem strange as to why the common approach to depression is to overlook deeper issues and focus on symptoms but this can be seen as a consequence of trauma. One thing that trauma does is uproot someone from their body and, so, one outcome, when a society is filled with people, on all levels, who are unknowingly in a traumatised state, is that there will generally be a very surface-level understanding and approach to mental and emotional issues. It’s then as though there is a collective and unconscious agreement not to go deeper in order to avoid opening Pandora’s Box. Old Wounds With this in mind, it will be essential for them to deal with the impact that their stressful situation had on them all those years ago. There is also the chance that what happened at this stage of their life unlocked pain that they experienced as a child or before but had to repress. This may have been a stage of their life when one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Consequently, it would have been normal for them to feel helpless and hopeless and going into a collapsed and disconnected state would have been a defence against the pain that they were in, as they were helpless and hopeless at this stage of their life. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on how they behave, they may find that they have the inclination to ignore their own needs and be there for others. After this, they might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.
Naturally, by being this way, a number of their needs are rarely if ever going to be met and this will cause them to be deprived. The outcome of this is that they can often feel exhausted and down. Covered Up Nonetheless, if this is the case, they can find that they generally do their best to ignore how they feel. This is something that can take place by them being there for others, or just by eating, drinking and/or watching something. But, after being this way for however long, they might have had enough of behaving in this way. They might see that if they continue to behave in his way, they will feel even worse as time goes by and their life will continue to pass them by. The Next Step After this, they could wonder why they behave in this way and they might end up coming to the conclusion that their behaviour is irrational. But, as behaving in this way is not going to be serving them, this is not a surprise. Still, if they were to think about their early years and what this stage was like, they might start to understand why they behave in this way. The reason for this is that this might have been a time when they had to be there for their mother and/or father. Back In Time If so, a stage of their life when they needed to receive would have been a stage when they had to give. Now, their basic needs might have typically been met, such as their need for food, clothing and shelter but that might have been about as far as it went. So, they might have often had to do things for one or both of their parents and be there for them when they were not in a good way and offer emotional support. And, if they expressed a need, they might have often been criticised, ignored or rejected. The Message Due to these experiences and as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with their needs. If they did express their needs, they would have ended up feeling guilty and ashamed. Yet, as it would have been clear that a number of their needs wouldn’t be met, they would have lost touch with a number of their needs. Being aware of them would have been too painful. The Other Side After becoming aware of this, and assuming that it was one parent who was like this, they could wonder why their parent was more like their child than their parent. What this is likely to show is that their parent was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. Consequently, they would have gone from a child to an adult but, at an emotional level, they would have felt like a powerless and dependent child. Thanks to how needy they were, they would have unconsciously done what they could to turn their child into the parent that they needed but didn’t have. A Strong Aversion In the beginning, when their child expressed their needs, this would have probably caused them to feel overwhelmed, trapped and burdened. This was probably how they felt when their needy parent looked toward them to meet certain needs. Their child’s needs, if not their child, would then have been seen as a problem, and, by ignoring, criticising, rejecting and even leaving their child, they would have slowly conditioned them to hide their needs and be there for them. Over time, their child would have gone from needy to needless. Self-Alienation The connection that their child had with their own needs and feelings would then have been lost, with them becoming disconnected from themselves and focused on their parent. Having a child who was out of touch with themselves and focused on their needs would have prevented them from having to come into contact with the pain that they experienced when they were being used as a child. Moreover, this would have allowed them to be deceived into believing that they were finally receiving what they missed out on as a child. But, as this would have most likely taken place without them being consciously aware of it, if this was pointed out to them now, that’s if they are alive, they would probably deny it. Moving Forward Taking this into account, this parent was unable to provide them with the love that they needed as they had also been deprived during their formative years. It was then not that they chose not to love them; it was that they couldn’t love them. For them to know, at the core of their being, that their needs are not bad and to be there for themselves, they are likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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