As someone is a separate individual with their own needs and feelings, they are not always going to want to do what another person wants them to do. During these moments, they will need to make this clear.
If this wasn’t the case, there would be no reason for them to say no to another person. However, although being able to say no is important, this might not be something that they feel comfortable with. No protection The outcome of this is that it will be normal for them to say yes when they would rather say no and end up doing things that they would rather not do. Naturally, this will have a negative effect on them. There will be the impact it has on their mental and emotional health. It might go further than this, though, as they could often do things that have a negative impact on their body. No Choice If they are aware of how they often agree to do things that they don’t want to do, they could find that this just happens. It is then not that they consciously choose to behave in this way. What might enter their might at this point is that they lose their connection to themselves and the ability to exert their will. It might then be as if someone or something ‘out there’ is controlling them. Another Part What they might also see is that to protect themselves, they spend a fair amount of time by themselves. By not being around others, they won’t need to worry about having to do things that they don’t want to do. The downside of this, of course, is that this will cause them to miss out on the human contact that they need. What this comes down to is that they are an interdependent human being, who needs others. The Key For their life to change, they will need to feel comfortable standing their ground around another or others. Until this takes place, isolating themselves will be seen as the only way for them to make sure that they are not compelled to do something that they don’t want to do. If they were to look back on their life, they could see that they have behaved in this way for as long as they can remember. As a result of this, they might even believe that they were born this way. Going Deeper But, regardless of this, there is a chance that what took place during their formative played a big part in why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life when they were typically not treated like an individual. Their mother and/or father might have seen them as an extension of themselves. Therefore, it wouldn’t have mattered if they wanted to do something as they generally wouldn’t have had a choice. Walked over If they were not powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to stand up for themselves or to find another family. Their only option was to lose touch with a number of their own needs and feelings and to do what their mother and/or father wanted. To deal with this, they may have spent a fair amount of time by themselves. This would have separated them from their family but it would have stopped them from being violated. Disembodied Being treated in this way and not seen as a separate individual would have deprived them of the attunement and love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. They would have been wounded and deeply deprived. Instead of feeling safe being in their body and connected to their needs and feelings and expressing themselves, they would have been forced to disconnect from their body and their needs and feelings and not felt safe expressing themselves. How they behave as an adult is then going to be a continuation of how it was for them as a child. A Different Experience For them to get back in their body, reconnect to their needs and feelings and feel comfortable expressing themselves, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will play a big part in them being able to develop a felt sense of safety and worth. Over time, doing what is right for them will feel comfortable. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
0 Comments
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what might stand out is that they have the tendency to put other people’s needs first. They may see that this takes place without them even thinking about it.
Naturally, the outcome of this is that they will also have the tendency to ignore their own needs. So, while this will allow them to please others and receive a lot of positive feedback in the process, they will neglect themselves. Inner Conflict At this point, they could be well and truly fed up with living in this way. But, although this is likely to be the case, they could find that their need to behave in this way is so strong that they are unable to simply change their behaviour. In fact, it could be as if someone or something ‘out there’ is making them behave this way. Either way, they are not going to believe that they have what it takes to experience life differently. External Support If they were to end up looking for answers, they could soon learn that there are a number of things that they need to do. So, they can see that they need to change their ‘negative’ thoughts and what they believe and even raise their self-esteem. By doing this, they will gradually be able to change how they behave. Altering what is going on up top, then, will allow them to focus on their own needs and do what is right for them. A Different Reality As the weeks and months pass, they could see that their need to please others has greatly subsided and that they spend more time meeting their own needs. As a result of this, they are likely to find that their life is far more fulfilling. One outcome of this is that some of their relationships may have changed, while may have come to an end. They may have also developed a number of new relationships. A new life It could go even further than this, though, as they could have started a new job or be thinking about taking this step. What might have also crossed their mind is moving somewhere else and starting over again. As dramatic as something like this may appear to be from the outside, it will be a perfectly normal effect on them living a life that is more aligned with who they are. Their true essence will be seeing the light of day. Another Scenario Alternatively, they could find that this approach doesn’t have much of an impact on them and they still have a strong need to please others and overlook their own needs. If they were to imagine changing their behaviour and putting themselves first, they could soon feel anxious and fearful. If they were to go deeper, they could end up feeling rejected and abandoned. Assuming that they do, one way of looking at this would be to say that these feelings are caused by their ‘negative’ thoughts and these need to be changed for their life to change. Another Angle However, there is a chance that the feelings that they experience are triggered by their thoughts, not caused by them. Moreover, what can play a big part in why they are behaving in this way can be their unmet development need to be loved. Their childhood will then be over but they won’t have truly moved on from this stage of their life. Therefore, if they purely focus on what is taking place in their mind and change their behaviour, they won’t deal with what is really driving them. Going Deeper With this in mind, on one level, it will be as though they are just trying to please other adults and that this is partly because they have low self-esteem. But, at a deeper level, other adults will be seen as parental figures who can provide them with the love that they missed out on as a child. This shows that the needs that were not met during their developmental years didn’t simply disappear and are continuing to influence their life from behind the scenes, so to speak. What this illustrates is that, when it comes to change, it is essential to explore what is taking place in both the conscious and the unconscious mind. A Closer Look So, during their early years, they may have had a mother and/or a father who was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide them with the love that they needed. This would have caused them to be deprived and deeply wounded. To handle this, their brain would have repressed a number of their developmental needs and the pain they were in. Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and blocked out reality. The Next Stage Still, they would have continued to try to receive the love that wasn’t available by ignoring themselves and doing what they could to please their parents. After their childhood came to an end and they became an adult, their early struggle would have continued. For them to no longer turn their back on themselves, they will need to face and work through the pain that was repressed and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Worth: Can Someone Believe That They Are Worthless If they Experienced Early Deprivation?2/3/2024
Although someone has inherent worth, it doesn’t mean that they will have a felt sense of their own worth. However, even if they don’t have this sense, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this.
But, if they are not consciously aware of this, what is going on for them at a deeper level will still have an impact on their life. What can then be normal is for them to believe that how they experience life is caused by what is going on externally. A Bleak Existence So, a number of areas of their life might not be very fulfilling, and they could believe that they are simply unlucky. Moreover, they could believe that someone or something ‘out there is holding them back. For example, they could have a job that they don't enjoy and they could be treated badly. As for their relationships, they could be surrounded by people who are not supportive and are critical. Emotional State Consequently, they can spend a lot of time feeling down and even depressed. But, if this is how they often feel, they might not be aware of the feelings that they typically experience. What can also play a part in this is that, as soon as they experience a painful feeling or feelings, they could consume and/or do something. This will stop them from being connected to how they feel. A Human Doing The outcome of this is that their need to relax and recharge might seldom if ever be met as when they are not working, they can be doings things to avoid how they feel. They are then going to be a human being but they will behave more like a machine. Still, they could receive a fair amount of positive feedback for being this way, with them seen as someone who is a ‘hard worker’, for instance. If so, this is likely to show that they live in a society that is full of people who are more like machines than human beings. Another Part When they are around their friends and family, they can generally focus on their needs and do what they can to please them. They will then be an individual but based on how they behave, it will be as if they are an extension of others. Due to how they behave, they could often be described as someone who is selfless and very considerate. Not being there for themselves, regardless of the feedback that they receive, is likely to cause them to experience frustration and even anger. Self-neglect But, as they will focus on others and won’t be there for themselves, this is to be expected. Along with this, if these people are not supportive and are critical and they have a job that is anything but fulfilling and are treated badly, a number of their needs are rarely if ever going to be met. Yet, if they were to think about expressing their needs and asserting themselves, they could soon experience fear and anxiety. What this will show is that they only feel comfortable when they are hiding themselves and pleasing others. Stepping Back Assuming that they were to arrive at the point where they can see that they neglect themselves and don’t feel comfortable expressing their needs, if they were to go deeper, they could find that this is seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned. This partly will come down to the fact that they don’t have a felt sense of their own worth and believe that they are worthless. Thus, the only way that they can be accepted and supported is if they hide themselves and do what other people want. Confusion Most likely, what took place during their formative years played a part in why they are this way. This may have been a time when they were often rejected and left by their mother and perhaps their father. As they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place, with them coming to believe that they were worthless. In reality, their mother and perhaps their father were probably deeply wounded and unable to love them. A brutal Time Along with personalising what took place, they would have been deprived and wounded. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed the pain that they were in and a number of their developmental needs. And, as the pain they were in was repressed and was unable to be faced and integrated, they will still expect to be rejected and abandoned. What has already happened will then be seen as something that they expect to happen. The Truth Right now, thanks to the pain and unmet needs that they are carrying, they won’t be able to accept that they have inherent worth and are lovable. Facing and working through this pain and experiencing these needs will play a big part of what will allow them to gradually accept this. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Worth: Can Someone Believe That They Are Worthless If they Experienced Early Deprivation?1/3/2024
During someone’s formative years, they may have had at least one parent who was very harsh. If so, it would have been normal for them to be put down by this parent and treated like they were nothing.
Therefore, even if there were moments when this parent did treat them differently, it wouldn’t have had much of an impact. It also wouldn’t have mattered if they had another parent who was different. A Deep Impact Being treated in this way by someone who they looked toward for love, care and protection would have wounded them. What they needed was for this parent to build them up, not tear them down. As a result of being on the receiving end of this behaviour, there will be how they would have felt and how they came to see themselves. Moreover, there is a strong chance that their parent’s critical voice ended up being internalised. The First Part When it comes to how they would have felt, they are likely to have experienced the following feelings: anger, shame, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness. Along with this, they are likely to have often felt rejected, unwanted, unloved and worthless. Based on how they were being treated, it would have been perfectly normal for them to feel this way. And, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, it wasn’t possible for them to see that how they were being treated was a reflection of what was going on for their parent. The Second Part When it comes to how they would have come to see themselves, the view that they developed would have been negative. So, as they were being treated badly and they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. It was then not that their parent had their own issues and was unable to see them clearly; instead, it was that had no value, were unlovable, and incapable, for instance. Ultimately, the view that they formed had no basis in reality. The Third Part When it comes to the third part, if their parent’s voice was internalised, it would have caused them to develop a very negative inner voice. For example, this voice would have been programmed to tell them that they were incapable, not good enough, and a failure. Although this voice would have been an effect of how their parent spoke to them, due to how normal it was, it would have been experienced as their own voice. They might have even believed that this voice was part of their conscience. Back To the Present Now that they are an adult, then, they are likely to experience a lot of painful feelings, have a negative view of themselves and have a very critical voice inside their head. This will be an effect of how they were spoken to, along with how they were treated by this and perhaps their other parent. For them to gradually move on from this stage of their life, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and unmet developmental needs to experience, amongst other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence. The Other Side As for the parent who was very harsh and had their own issues, they were probably not aware of how harsh or wounded they were. Even so, criticising their child and perhaps others is likely to have been a way for them to avoid what was going on for them. If, then, they hadn’t put their child and perhaps others down, it would have probably caused them to come into contact with their critical inner voice. The outcome of this is that they would have ended up feeling worthless and unlovable. A Defence Thus, externalising their critical inner voice and putting other people down allowed them to avoid what was going on for them internally and keep it together and function. There is a strong chance that they didn’t have a very good connection with their inner world. By being so externally focused, then, they were oblivious to the fact that they had externalised their critical inner voice and were living on the surface of themselves. If they had been aware of this, it is unlikely that they would have been able to behave in this way. The Bigger Picture What this illustrates is that, while how they were spoken to and treated by them would have been seen as a reflection of their worth and lovability, it had absolutely nothing to do with their worth or lovability. This parent was most likely deeply wounded during their formative years. To handle what took place, they would have developed a disconnected and inflated false self. This self would have typically allowed them to keep what was going on for them at bay but it would have also caused them to become an unfeeling, cold and cruel being, who was full of painful inner material that had to be continually projected into others for them to stop themselves from coming into contact with it. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has turned their back on themselves, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. However, if another person were to observe how they behave for a little while, they might soon realise what is going on.
At this point, it can seem strange as to how another person would be able to see what is going on but they wouldn’t be able to; after all, it is their life. What this illustrates is how their brain will have blocked out what is going on in order to protect them. The other Side So, as the person on the outside doesn’t have the need to block out what is going on, it is possible for them to see clearly. This sheds light on why it has been said that human beings see with their brains, not their eyes. If what is going on for them wasn’t blocked out, there is a strong chance that their conscious mind would be flooded with inner material. The outcome of this is that it would be a lot harder for them to keep it together and function. Hidden If they are not consciously aware of how they have turned their back on themselves, they are unlikely to have a very fulfilling life. For example, they can have a job that is anything but fulfilling, relationships that are not very life-affirming, and they might have a strong inner critic. When it comes to what they do for a living, they could work somewhere where they are not valued or appreciated. They might want to leave when they are there and dread going back when they are not. The Other Parts As for their relationships, they might have a number of people in their life who are not very loving and supportive. In general, they might be put down and treated like they are nothing. If they have a strong inner critic, it is likely to be normal for them to feel down and bad about themselves. Consequently, it could often be difficult for them to get out of bed each down and they could have very little if any motivation. Self-Reflection After a while, they could end up taking a step back and wondering why their life is this way. If they were to do this, they could believe that this is just what life is like and that there is very little that they can do. Thus, it won’t occur to them that what is going on for them internally is playing a big part in why their life is this way. Ultimately, they won’t value or love themselves, so how they experience life will feel comfortable to a big part of them. Going Deeper If they were to take a closer look at what is going on and become aware of how they feel about themselves, how they experience life will start to make sense. They will see that, due to how they feel, they have turned their back on themselves. The situations and circumstances that they find themselves in will then be a reflection of how they feel about themselves. After seeing this, they could wonder why they feel this way. A Closer Look What this is likely to show is that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when their mother and perhaps their father were unable to provide them with the love that they needed. Being neglected, put down and even physically harmed would then have been the norm. This would have deprived and deeply wounded them, which would have stopped them from being able to grow and develop in the right way. The Impact To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs. Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. In reality, their mother and perhaps their father were unable to give them what they needed because of their own issues. Yet, as they were unable to see this, they would have been rejected and this would have caused them to reject themselves. A Battle But, although they were unable to accept and love them, they themselves would have struggled to be accepted and loved by them. Most likely, this would have involved them losing touch with parts of them and becoming someone else, in the hope that this would allow them to receive what they needed. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but, their unmet developmental need to be accepted and loved by their mother and perhaps their father won’t have disappeared. These unmet needs will cause them to unconsciously re-create situations that are very similar to how it was for them very early on. Drawing the line For them to no longer turn their back on themselves and accept themselves, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to spend most of their time doing things. Therefore, they will rarely if ever take the time to relax and recharge.
But, if this was pointed out to them, it doesn’t mean that they would be able to accept this. For example, they could say that life is too short to simply sit around and that it is to be lived. Two Options If so, it will be as if they do things and make the most of life or they sit on the sidelines and waste the life that they have been given. And, as they are likely to live in a society that is filled with people who also live in the same way, there can be no reason for them to question why they are this way. In fact, they can receive a lot of positive feedback from others, with them often being seen as a role model. In this society, being extremely driven is likely to typically be seen as a sign of having high self-esteem. One Area Due to how driven they are, they might have been able to achieve a certain level of success. So, they could be doing very well in their career and this may mean that they have a big house and an expensive car, for instance. If this is the case, they can be seen as being successful in the eyes of some people. When it comes to the people who do see them in this way, they are likely to believe that success relates to having a lot of money and certain material objects. Another Reality On the other hand, although they spend a lot of time doing things, they might not be overly successful. Thus, they won’t have a lot to show for all the work that they have put in over the years. As a result of this, they probably won’t receive a lot of positive feedback from others or be seen as successful. They could be used to being in the background in life and even be seen as someone who doesn’t do much. What’s going on? Now, when someone is more or less always on the go, regardless of whether they are or are not successful, it can show that they are running away from themselves. If, then, they were to slow down and take the time to just be from time to time, they might end up coming into contact with a lot of pain. But, as they have behaved in this way for however long and they are likely to be surrounded by people who also spend a lot of time in doing mode, they are unlikely to realise this. What this illustrates is that there is more to their behaviour than meets the eye. Going Deeper If, for whatever reason, they were no longer able to behave in this way and started to slow down, what they might soon find is that they feel very uncomfortable. This can be a time when they will feel anxious and fearful. Below this, can be guilt and shame. At this point, they might wonder why not doing anything causes them to have this inner experience. A Closer Look What this can show is that they don’t believe that they have the right to exist, and, by being on the go and doing things, they are trying to earn this right. Yet, if this is what is going on for them at a deeper level, it won’t matter what they do or achieve. To use an analogy, it will be as though they are stuck on a treadmill that they are unable to get off. With this in mind, being on the go will keep how they feel at bay but it won’t remove these feelings and transform their inner world. Why Is This? They could come to the conclusion that it is strange that they feel this way as they have as much right as anyone else to be here. As strange as it might appear to be, if they were to go back in time to when they were a child and before, what is going on for them might soon make sense. Their formative years may have been a time when they were generally not loved and cherished by their mother and perhaps their father. Instead, they may have often been criticised, ignored, rejected, and abandoned. The Outcome Being treated in this way would have deprived and wounded them and, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that their mother and perhaps their father were unable to love them; it was that there was something inherently wrong with them. They would then have experienced a physical birth but not an emotional birth – their sense of self would have stayed in an underdeveloped state. The truth is that they deserve to be here and don’t need to earn the right to exist. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotional Self: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Lose Touch With Their Emotional Self?19/2/2024
What someone may see, if they were to step back and reflect on how they experience life, is that they don’t have a strong connection with their feelings. They could find that, in general, they are not aware of how they feel.
This is likely to show that they spend most of their life living in their head and don’t have a strong connection with their body. The reason for this is that, it is by being connected to their body, that they will be able to connect to how they feel. One Outcome By being this way, their intellect is likely to be what directs their life. Along with the guidance that this part provides them, they can look towards others. Naturally, this is going to put a lot of pressure on this small part of them. But, if this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, there will be no need for them to believe that there is anything abnormal about living in this way. Another outcome Being this way can also make it hard for them to feel connected to others and form deeper relationships. What this comes down to is that it is their emotional self, not their mental self that allows this to take place. Of course, a mental connection will play a part in developing a bond with another but this connection won’t be as deep as it would be if there was also an emotional connection. Therefore, even if they do have a number of friends, they might not feel overly close to them. One More If they are in a romantic relationship, being this way could make it hard for them to feel close to their partner. Another part of this is that their partner could often wonder how they feel about them. Alternatively, if they have been in a relationship in the past, this may be something that they have experienced. If they did, they might have wondered why they were this way and even been hard on themselves. Another Element Now, although they won’t have a strong connection with their emotional self, what is going on at this level is still going to have an impact on them. For example, what they can find is that their mind is often busy. They can then often suffer from racing thoughts and often find it hard to sleep at night. Furthermore, they can often be in a very low state, with them feeling depressed. A Sign What this is likely to show is that they are carrying a build-up of emotional pain. But, as they don’t have a strong connection with this part of them, it is not possible for this pain to reach them directly. Due to this, it ends up reaching them indirectly by putting a lot of pressure on their conscious mind, and this part then produces a lot of mental activity. Yet, without this understanding, it is likely to seem as though their mind is just playing up. What’s going on? At this point, they can wonder why they don’t have a strong connection with this part of them. What this can show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they missed out on the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. They may have been physically harmed and/or neglected by their mother and perhaps their father, for instance. But, regardless of what took place, this would have been a stage of their life when they were wounded and deeply deprived. One option To handle what was going on and not be completely overwhelmed, they would have had to lose touch with their feelings and a number of their needs. Ultimately, it would have been too painful for them to feel. Their brain would have ended up ‘wiring’ in such a way as to weaken their connection with this part of them. As they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to do anything about what was going on, so they were forced to adapt. The Fall Out They would then have been embodied but thanks to what was going on, they become disembodied. The pain that they experienced, and their unmet developmental needs, will have been repressed and will be held inside their unconscious mind. Not only this but their emotional self will be frozen in time. No matter how developed their intellect is, then, this other part of them will have been left behind. The Next Stage For them to become embodied and integrate their emotional self, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is something that will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to ignore a number of their needs and to focus on others. But, if this is just what is normal, it might not be something that they are consciously aware of.
Consequently, they will be neglecting themselves but this is not going to be something that will stand out. Still, although this will be the case, they could be used to receiving a lot of positive feedback from others. One Experience For example, some of the people in their life could say that they are selfless and are always there for them when they need them. As far as these people are concerned, then, they will be living in the right way. The positive feedback that they receive from them is likely to do at least two things. First, it is likely to have a positive effect on their wellbeing, and second, it is likely to help to keep their true feelings at bay. A Build-Up And, as they are ignoring a number of their needs, they are likely to be carrying a lot of pain. This pain will be there to let them know that their needs are not being met and that they need to do something about it. What can also take place to allow them to keep their pain at bay is that they can often be in a collapsed emotional state. By being in a depressed state, they won’t come into contact with how they feel. Just the Basics When it comes to the needs that they do meet, it can relate to their survival needs. So, they can make sure that they eat, sleep and have the right clothing to wear but that could be about as far as it typically goes. Then again, they might often skip meals or not eat enough, not get enough sleep and not have the right clothes to wear. This will allow them to survive but it won’t allow them to thrive. The Other Side Their need to relax and recharge, have fun, play, experience affection, and warmth, for instance, can generally be overlooked. At this point, it might seem strange as to how they could be out of touch with a number of their needs and not even be aware of this. However, if what took place during their formative years is taken into account, it is likely to soon make sense. This may have been a stage of their life that was like an emotional desert, with their being very little love available. The outcome Having a mother and perhaps a father who were unable to provide them with the love that they needed would have deprived and deeply wounded them. To handle what was going on, they would have gradually disconnected from their needs and feelings, and this material would have ended up being held in their unconscious mind. Over time, this would have caused them to lose touch with their body and live in their head. Not only would it have been painful for them to express their needs and not have them met, but it would have been painful for them to be in touch with their needs. One option Becoming someone who was not in touch with a number of their needs and feelings would have made it easier for them to live in an environment where there wasn’t much on offer. Their priority at this stage of their life was to survive and, thus, how this would affect them as an adult was irrelevant. The needs that were not met and ended up being held in their unconscious mind wouldn’t have lied dormant, though; these needs would have continued to influence their behaviour. From outside of their conscious awareness, these needs will have played a part in why they focused on their mother’s and perhaps their father’s needs. Outer Directed Ergo, while they would have become alienated from their inner world, they would have become attuned to the needs of others. Deep down, they would have believed that if they became who they wanted, were there for them and did what they wanted, their needs would finally be met. Instead of having their developmental needs met on a regular basis if at all, they would have lived in the hope that they would be met. But, as their mother and perhaps their father wouldn’t have been able to provide them with the love that they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. Avoidance However, if they had faced reality and seen their mother and perhaps their father clearly, it would have been too much for them to handle. They had to deceive themselves. Along with being forced to live on the surface of themselves, how they were treated, as they were egocentric, would have caused them to believe that there was something inherently wrong with their needs. This would have played a part in them hiding their needs and hoping that they would be met. Drawing the line The truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with their needs or their essence. How they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for their mother and perhaps their father. In all likelihood, their mother and perhaps their father were also deprived during their formative years, and this is why they were unable to love them. To be able to accept this, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even if someone feels worthless and unlovable, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. But, if this is not something that they are aware of, what is going on for them is still going to have an impact on their life.
It is likely to influence how they perceive reality, how they behave, and what they do and don’t experience. Most likely, they won’t live a life that is very fulfilling; in fact, it could be a miserable existence. One Area When it comes to their inner world, they could spend a lot of time feeling low and even depressed. If so, this can be a time when they will struggle to do anything and could end up delaying a lot of things that need to be taken care of. Moreover, they could experience a fair amount of self-doubt and often talk themselves out of doing things. Offers to go out and see friends could often be turned down, too. Another Area As for what they do for a living, they could have a job that is soul-destroying. The people that they work with might not be very pleasant either. But, although they won’t enjoy working there, they might not speak up or look for somewhere else to work. They are then just going to tolerate what is going on and suffer in the process. One More If they are in a romantic relationship, they might not be with someone who treats them very well. Then again, they could be with someone who does treat them well but they might not feel comfortable with how they are treated. For example, they could wonder why their partner is with them and often think about how they are likely to leave them before long. As a result, they could end up unconsciously doing something to push them away. Stepping Back If they were to end up stepping back and thinking about their life, what might gradually enter their mind is that they don’t feel valuable or lovable. They are then not going to be worthy of having what they need and want and they won’t be able to accept that anyone can love them. If they were to share what is going for them with a trusted friend or family member, for instance, they could be told that how they feel and see themselves is not the truth. But, even if they are told this, a big part of them is unlikely to be able to accept this. Going Deeper The reason why they are this way can be due to what took place during their formative years. At this stage of their life, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for them. A number of their needs would then have seldom if ever been met and this would have deprived and wounded them. These needs and the pain that they experienced by not having them met would have ended up being repressed by their brain. The Meaning The other part of this is that as they were egocentric and their brain was underdeveloped, they would have personalised what took place. Thus, they would have come to believe that they were worthless, unlovable and that their needs were bad, amongst other things. In reality, how they were treated had nothing to do with how worthy and lovable they were; it was a reflection of what was going on for their mother and perhaps their father. Ultimately, they were simply unable to provide them with what they needed. Shinning the Light Most likely, they had also been deprived during their formative years and were not in a position to truly be there for them. With this in mind, as accurate as how they see themselves will seem to be, it doesn’t reflect the truth. It is an outlook that was formed based on how one or two people, who were likely to be deeply wounded, treated them. For them to change how they see themselves, it will be important for them to no longer see their parent or parents as god-like figures that were perfect. A Key Part Deconstructing their view of them and seeing them in a more balanced way, will play a part in them gradually being able to accept that how they were treated by them was a reflection of their own issues. If this doesn’t take place and they continue to maintain an elevated view of them, how they treated them will continue to be seen as a reflection of their worth and lovability. Along with questioning their view of them and seeing them for who they were, they will have pain to face and work through and unmet development needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: What Expectations Can Someone Have If They Experienced Early Deprivation?16/2/2024
It is often said that someone shouldn’t have any expectations. One of the reasons that is put forward is that, by having them, they are likely to end up being let down.
However, even if someone is able to arrive at a place where they no longer expect anything, it doesn’t mean that they won’t expect anything. This might sound like a contradiction but, what it comes down to is that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. A Closer Look Therefore, even if they no longer consciously expect anything, they can still expect a lot at an unconscious level. To take a step back, while it might sound like a good idea for them to not have any expectations, they are likely to find that arriving at this place is not easy. Yet, even to arrive at a place where they have moments when they are free from any expectations will be an achievement. This can be seen as something that is far more realistic than completely letting go of them. Two Levels Now, when it comes to the expectations that they are not aware of, these will have an effect on how they experience life. But, as they are outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t be aware of this. Thanks to the impact that these expectations have, they can conclude that they are unlucky and/or are being punished by someone or something ‘out there’. This can mean that one or a number of areas of their life are not going well. The Reason At this point, they might wonder how their expectations could have an impact on how they experience life. If they have heard that having expectations is a waste of time as it generally leads to disappointment, this is to be expected. It will be as though what is taking place inside them has no impact on what takes place externally, with them being nothing more than an observer of reality. But, as they are not simply an observer of reality and this is an illusion that their disconnected mind creates, what is going on within them impacts their reality. Going Deeper The expectations that they have at this level will largely be the result of what took place during their formative years. And, if this was a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing, this is likely to mean that they will have a number of ‘negative’ expectations. Many, many years will have passed and their conscious mind will have forgotten about most if not all of these expectations but they will have continued to shape their reality. What they expect to happen will relate to what did happen when they were a child. Back In Time Assuming that they had a childhood that was anything but nurturing, both their mother and their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, their mother and/or father may have been verbally and physically abusive. Not receiving the love that they needed would have wounded and deeply deprived them. The pain that they experienced and the needs that were not met would have ended up being repressed by their brain. Another Part Moreover, there will be the beliefs and expectations that they formed as a result of what took place. How they were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability, but, as they were egocentric and their brain was underdeveloped, what took place would have been personalised. If this wasn’t the case, they wouldn’t have developed beliefs that relate to them not being enough, among other things. They would have also been able to see that there was no need for them to develop expectations based on how their mother and/or father treated them. For Example When it comes to the expectations that they formed, they may find that they have some, if not all of the following:
A Replay Although these expectations will be a reflection of how it was for them as a child and not how it has to be for them as an adult, their unconscious mind won’t realise this. To this part of them, these expectations will continue to reflect reality. This is because this part of them has no sense of time and is blind. They will then expect to have the same experiences and as this part of them is completely convinced that they will, they will continue to have the same experiences. Drawing the Line For them to no longer recreate their early experience, they will need to become aware of and question what they expect. The other part of this will be for them to face and work through the pain that they experienced and experience their unmet developmental needs. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|