If someone was deprived during their early years, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. The reason for this is that their brain may have blocked out most if not all of what took place.
However, while what took place will be in the past, the impact that it had on them is likely to continue to influence how they experience life. Therefore, even if they are not aware of most of what took place, it won’t matter. The outcome If they live a life that is anything but fulfilling, then, they could believe that this is just what life is like. Furthermore, they could believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is causing them to suffer. They could even believe that they are unlucky, with them hoping that their luck will change before long. Along with this, they could spend a lot of time feeling helpless and hopeless and very low. Other Factors What can make their life worse is that they can have a job that is anything but fulfilling and not have any close friends. And, if they are in a dysfunctional relationship, this will make things worse. Based on how they are experiencing life, their life can seem like a curse as opposed to a blessing. What is clear is that the sooner they are able to step back and reflect on their life and reach out for support, the better. The Next Step If they were to end up doing this, they could soon come to the conclusion that their early years were not very nurturing. This is because they could consume a lot of material that goes into what can happen when someone is deprived during their formative years. They could relate to a lot of what is said and soon wonder why it has taken them so long to join the dots, so to speak. But, to allow them to keep it together and function, their brain will have stopped this inner material from entering their conscious awareness. The Priority It is then not that their brain was doing what it could to make them suffer; it was doing what it could to stop them from being overwhelmed with pain and falling apart. Now that they have started to understand what is going on, they will gradually be able to develop a deeper understanding of why their life is the way that it is. In addition to the pain that they experienced, there will be the developmental needs that were not met and the beliefs that they formed. When it comes to what they came to believe, a number of these beliefs are unlikely to be very accurate or empowering. A Limiting View At this stage of their life, they would have been egocentric and their brain would have been underdeveloped, so it’s to be expected that these beliefs won’t serve them. These beliefs will play a big part in how they see themselves, others, and the world. If they were to take a look into what they believe, they may find that they have some, if not all, of the following:
A Key Point The beliefs that they have are also likely to be a reflection of what it was like for them during their formative years. Therefore, to solely say that these were simply formed because they were egocentric and their brain was underdeveloped at this stage of their life won’t fully take into account how brutal this stage was. If they had been born into an environment that was generally welcoming, responsive and loving and this was how it typically was as the years passed, there would have been no reason for them to develop these beliefs. These beliefs would have been conclusions that reflected their reality. Shinning the Light Nonetheless, as accurate as these conclusions were, they only reflected what it was like in this environment. And, the person or people who defined what it was like in this environment were probably deeply wounded. This means that they didn’t reflect the truth and the person or people were unable to see their worth and lovability. Ergo, as true as what they believe will seem, these beliefs are built on sand. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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After feeling lonely for many years and becoming aware of this, someone could find that they have the tendency to feel invisible. They are then going to exist and be able to be seen by others but they generally won’t feel as though they exist or are seen by others.
Naturally, experiencing life in this way is going to cause them to live a life that is anything but fulfilling. But, due to how long their life has been this way, a big part of them might not believe that their life can be any different. A Closer Look Now, this could mean that they won’t have any friends but it might not be this black and white. They could be surrounded by people but most of the people in their life might not see them. So, if they are surrounded by people, these people might not really be interested in them or their life. Thus, when they are around one of their friends, this can be a time when the other person is doing most of the talking and they are doing most of the listening. Another Part Still, if a friend or another person does ask how they are doing, they could make out that everything is fine and hide how they really feel. If so, what will stand out is that although they feel invisible, a big part of them won’t want to be seen. It is then not just going to be as clear as, they want to be seen but they are not seen. If they were to become aware of this, they could wonder why they are this way and don’t feel comfortable being seen. A Strange Scenario To gain a better understanding of what is going on, they could imagine that they have friends who are able to see them. These will then be friends who are able to physically see them and attune to their emotional state. As a result, they will feel comfortable opening up about what is going on for them and how they feel. This will allow them to feel seen and heard, which will have a positive effect on their well-being. The Other Side Before long, though, they could start to feel very uncomfortable and as though something bad is about to happen. A big part of them could expect to be humiliated, put down and/or rejected. Taking this into account, as being seen is seen as something that will cause them to suffer, it is not going to be a surprise that they will do what they can to not be seen. One on level, this will have caused them to suffer but the alternative will be seen as something that will lead to a greater level of suffering. Confusion If they were to think about why they are this way, their mind could go blank. What this is likely to show is that their brain has blocked out the information that would shed light on why they are this way in order to protect them. To understand why they are this way, it is likely to be a good idea for them to think about what their early years were like. This is likely to have been a time when they were not seen by one or both of their parents. Back In Time Assuming it was one parent who was unable to do this; this parent might have had something wrong with their brain. Consequently, this would have impacted their ability to attune to their own and their child’s emotional state. This parent would then have physically seen them but they typically wouldn’t have been able to see them as an emotional being. The outcome of this is that their feelings and number of their needs would have largely been ignored. A Battle If they did express how they feel or a need, they are likely to have been humiliated, put down, physically harmed and/or rejected and abandoned. As time passed, then, they would have come to believe that it wasn’t safe for them to freely express themselves. Losing touch with their essence and fading into the background and being a non-entity, along with hiding their feelings and a number of their needs, would have been a way for them to protect themselves. The downside to this was that they needed to be seen and heard to grow to develop in the right way. Emotionally malnourished Being forced to hide in plain sight to stop themselves from being harmed would have deeply deprived them. But, as their parent lacked the ability to truly see them and provide them with the attunement, mirroring and love that they needed, they had no other choice. Not adapting in this way would have caused them to experience even more hurt. Ultimately, as they were unable to change this parent or find a family that could love them, they were helpless. Another Reality Fortunately, as this stage of their life is over and they are no longer helpless, they can create a life where it is safe for them to be seen and heard. The truth is that they were not seen and heard because there is something inherently wrong with them, they were not seen and heard because one or both of their parents was a deeply wounded human being who was probably not seen during their formative years. For them to move forward, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they haven’t been able to get it together, so to speak. So, unlike their friends, they could often struggle for money and have a job that is anything but fulfilling.
Additionally, they could often be in a dysfunctional relationship and need a friend or a family member to essentially rescue them. This can then involve another person helping them to leave and even giving them somewhere to live, for instance. Out of Balance When it comes to the people in their life, most of them could be more like parental figures than friends. This could mean that most of their friends are quite a bit older than them or it might not. These people can often tell them what to do and how they need to live their life. From this, it will be clear that most of the people in their life don’t see them as someone who is capable of making their own decisions and living their own life. A Tedious Existence Due to how they live, they could be sick and tired of not being able to stand on their own two feet and act like an interdependent adult. What might enter their mind is that other people have something that they themselves don’t have. Other people will then have control over their life and be able to create a fulfilling life but they won’t have much control or this ability. What can play a part here is that they may have struggled over the years to change their life and not been able to make much progress. A natural outcome So, if they have taken action over the years and have not been able to get very far, it is going to be perfectly normal for them to be this way. They might even wonder if someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. With what is going on, they are likely to feel helpless and hopeless and they could believe that their life will stay this way forever. Before long, they could go back to living their life and they might soon need to be rescued by their family or friends. What’s going on? Now, taking into account what their life is like and how much it is causing them to suffer, it could be said that they are totally powerless. However, what if part of them is causing them to experience life in this way? If they were to hear this, they could experience a strong reaction and say that this is not possible. Of course, they are suffering, so why would they say anything else? Going Deeper Nonetheless, what they will need to keep in mind is that they don’t begin and end with their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves. Along with this part of them, they also have an unconscious mind. Therefore, while the life that they lead is causing them to suffer, there is a strong chance that another part of them is benefitting from what is taking place. If this other part of them wasn’t getting something from what is going on, their life would be different. Confusion If their mind is still open at this point, they could wonder how the life that they lead could be serving another part of them. When it comes to this other, hidden part of them, it contains unmet developmental needs, pain and part of themselves that have been rejected, among other things. With this in mind, what they may find is that experiencing life in this way is a way for them to try to meet a need that was seldom met during their early years. This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. Replaying the past Thus, by them not being in their power and able to stand on their own two feet, it is a way for them to finally meet their unmet developmental need to be cared for. But, as this need and what is taking place will have been outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t have been able to join the dots, so to speak. The part of them that is still trying to be cared for won't realise that they are no longer a child or that other people are not their parents. Thanks to this, it will continually cause them to sabotage their life in the hope that their parent or parents will finally look after them. Self-Liberation In addition to the impact that this as well as other unmet development needs is having on them, there will be the impact that being deprived had on them. Not receiving what they needed would have prevented them from being able to develop a felt sense of belonging, power, worth and lovability. Facing and working through pain and experiencing their unmet developmental needs will be an essential part of what will allow them to gradually change their life. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Right now, someone could have a few areas of their life that are going well and a few that are not. This could be how their life has been for as long as they can remember.
Due to this, they could have well and truly had enough and be desperate for their life to change. But, if this has been going on for a long time, a big part of them might not even believe that their life can change. A Battle Over the years, they might have done a lot to change the areas of their life that are not going in the right direction. So, they might have read books, watched videos and even taken courses. Yet, no matter what they have done, these areas of their life won’t have really changed. Or, if they have been able to make progress, it might not have been long until they were back at square one or close to it. A Natural Outcome Now, if they have played their part and haven’t been able to move forward, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t be in a good way. When it comes to the area or areas of their life that are not going well, it could relate to their love life and/or career. If it does, they might have continually attracted people who were not available and had setback after setback in their career. Consequently, they could believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. A Mismatch But, as there will be what they want and what they have done and, then, what they have received is the opposite of what they want, this is not a surprise. However, while it may seem as though they want one thing but are getting something else entirely, what if there is far more to it? What if they are actually receiving what other parts of them want? At this point, they could struggle to understand what is being said or say that there are no other parts of them that want something else. A Different Angle If this is their response, what they will need to keep in mind is that they don’t begin and end with their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves. Along with this part of them, they have what is often described as an unconscious mind. This part of them contains pain, unmet developmental needs, unmet adult needs and parts of themselves that they have disowned, among other things. Now, the material that is outside of their conscious awareness isn’t lying dormant, it is impacting how they experience life. Another part When it comes to their unmet developmental needs and the pain that goes with them, these parts of them will function like an independent entity. Their conscious mind will then be oblivious to these entities but their life will be influenced by them from behind the scenes, so to speak. It is then not someone or something ‘out there’ that is defining their life; it is aspects of their own consciousness that are holding them back. These entities might appear to be against them, considering how they are preventing them from having what they desire but this is not so. Frozen In Time In reality, these entities are simply doing what they can to receive what they missed out on during one’s formative years. What this illustrates is that they have no sense of time and are blind. If this wasn’t so, they would be able to see that this stage is over and that it is not possible for another adult to meet these needs. Another thing that plays a part in these entities not being able to receive what other adults can provide is that they will cause their host to recreate situations that are just as depriving as their early years. The Same Old Story Therefore, in the same way that their parent and/or parents were unable to truly be there for them and they were deprived and deeply wounded, the same thing will happen now that they are an adult. Being pulled to someone who is not available and not being able to make progress will cause them to re-experience how they felt all those years ago. So, feeling rejected, not seen and heard, helpless and hopeless, for instance. If the pain that they were in and their unmet needs had not been repressed all those years ago and their conscious mind had access to it, they would be able to see how similar their adult life is to their early years. Self-Liberation The downside, of course, is that while this material would shed light on what’s going on, it would make it a lot harder for them to function. Their brain repressed this material all those years ago to ensure their survival and it has been doing this ever since. Anyway, understanding that there is their main self and then there are many other entities or selves inside them, will allow them to see how much power they have. The key will be for them to gradually integrate these other aspects of them and to become more whole and integrated. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For many, many years, someone may have spent a fair amount of their money on certain or several clothes brands. Assuming that it is one brand, this is then going to be a brand that they greatly value.
Therefore, the money that they have spent over the years will be seen as an investment. So, not only can these items make them look good but they might have also allowed them to receive a fair amount of positive feedback. Two Stages Before they buy something, they can be filled with excitement and a strong desire, and, once they have bought it, they can feel good and deeply satisfied. After this, their inner world can gradually settle down and they can focus on other things. For a little while, what they have brought may enter their mind from time to time, along with a variety of positive feelings. Before long, though, they might experience the urge to buy something else. A Big Difference If they were to take a break and didn’t buy any more items for a while, what they might soon find is that their mood soon starts to change. They could end up feeling irritable and frustrated. However, it may go deeper than this as they could feel down and even depressed. As a result, it won’t matter if they don’t actually need to buy any more clothes as their wellbeing will suffer. Another Scenario This might not be the only thing that causes them to feel this way as not wearing branded items could have a similar effect. Based on how they feel, it could be as if they are wearing something that is dirty. What this will illustrate is that the branded items that they wear have a lot of power over them when it comes to how they feel and see themselves. Due to this, it won’t be a surprise that they have spent so much money on them and suffer when they don’t buy more. An Illusion When it comes to a branded item of clothing, irrespective of what brand it is, it will still be an item of clothing. But, the reason why they won’t see it as just another item of clothing is a consequence of at least two things. First, how this brand is presented, and, second, how they perceive the branded item. What these two factors and perhaps others will do is cause them to see it as something that has inherent value. The Power of Perception With this in mind, thanks to what they believe about a certain brand, buying and then wearing an item that has been made by this brand gives them permission to experience positive feelings and see themselves in a positive light. The downside, not to mention how much they will have to pay, is that they will be dependent on this brand. Without the all-clear from this brand, via them wearing their items of clothing and perhaps continually buying the latest ones, they will feel bad about and have a negative view of themselves. Moreover, if they didn’t see this brand as having any value, wearing items made by this brand wouldn’t have an impact on their well being. A Defence At this point, they could wonder why they need to wear something that they have been conditioned to believe has inherent value to feel and see themselves differently. If they were in a different position, they might like the look of certain items that this brand creates but they wouldn’t need to wear these items. What is likely to have played a part in why they are dependent on an external source to feel good about themselves are their developmental years. This may have been a stage of their life when they were deprived of the love that they needed. Back In Time Both their mother and father might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. If so, a number of their developmental needs would have rarely if ever been met and they would have had to adapt to their mother and/or father’s needs. This would have involved them playing a role and losing themselves in the process. A number of their developmental needs and the pain of not having these needs met would have ended up being repressed. Developmentally Stunted This would have stopped them from developing a felt sense of worth, lovability and enoughness. If they had an inner sense of wholeness, they wouldn’t need to rely on external items to experience a sense of wholeness. At an emotional level, they won’t have moved on from this stage of their life. Instead, they will be emotionally empty and a big part of them will be looking for the love that they missed out on. Another Angle A branded item will then just be a piece of clothing, but, at a deeper level, it will represent a parental figure. Unlike, their parent or parents who were out of their reach, a branded item will be in their reach. Yet, as this item will only be a representation of what they needed and now want, the impact that it has on them will be temporary. What these items will do is allow them to endlessly struggle for something that they didn’t receive and will never receive. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Social Media: Can Someone Use Social Media To Try To Be Loved If They Experienced Early Deprivation?17/12/2023
What can be normal is for someone to spend a fair amount of time using one or several social media sites. This can be somewhere they primarily browse and don’t share a great deal about themselves.
Then again, they could spend a lot of time sharing parts of their own life and pictures of themselves. These sites are then going to be a big part of their life, as opposed to just another part of it. No Different They might not be the only ones in their life who behave in this way, though, as a few of their friends could be in the same position. This can help to normalise their behaviour, with there being no reason for them to question what they are doing. But, even if they are not close to anyone who is in this position, they are still going to come across numerous people online who are behaving in the same way. Therefore, there is not going to be anything strange about their behaviour. Inner State Now, once they have shared something, they could soon receive ‘likes’ and comments. Thanks to this, they could end up feeling good about themselves and having positive thoughts. This could be an experience that they are used to, with them having received responses like this for quite some time. What takes place online, then, is going to have a big impact on how they feel about and see themselves. A Dip Thus, if they were to take a break from social media, they might soon find that they start to feel low and down. This can show that they don’t have any close friends or it might not be this black and white. Nonetheless, there is a chance that they haven’t taken a break from social media and this might not be on their mind either. This will illustrate how dependent their emotional state is on these sites. Another Approach However, even if they haven’t taken a break, they might still have had moments when they haven’t been able to achieve their desired outcome. During these moments, they might not have received as many likes as they expected, for instance. This may have caused them to share something else before long and to try to achieve a different outcome. At times, this may have worked and at others, it might not have. A Tough Time If they have shared something that hasn’t allowed them to receive the amount of ‘likes’ that they wanted and what they shared after didn’t work either, assuming that this took place, they might have felt very low. It could be as if they fell into a very deep hole. They might have been this way for several hours if not several days and not been able to rise again until they shared something that received a certain amount of responses from others. This would have allowed them to go from one extreme to another. What’s going on? If this was an experience that they started to have on a regular basis, it could be something that would make them look deeper. So, they could wonder why their mental and emotional state is so dependent on the responses that they receive on a screen from strangers. What could enter their mind is that there is something inherently wrong with them and they could feel bad and ashamed. Yet, if they do come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. A Closer Look Instead, this could show that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Of course, this stage of their life will be over, but, if they missed out on the love that they needed, they won’t have truly moved on. At a deeper level, a big part of them will still be trying to receive the love that they missed out on. To this part of them, social media will be an extension of themselves and the people who use social media will represent their parents. A Continuation Most likely, their early years were a time when they typically only received attention, acceptance, and approval when they behaved in a certain way. A time when they needed to be loved for who they were was then a time when they had to jump through endless hoops to receive a few crumbs. So, as they will carry several unmet development needs and won’t have a felt sense of worth or lovability, they will, once again, struggle to receive the attention, acceptance, and approval that they missed out on. Yet, as this stage of their life is over, not to mention that other people are not their parents, it will be too late for them to meet these needs. Avoidance Receiving attention from strangers will allow them to repress and suppress how they feel but it won’t remove these feelings. This is why it doesn’t matter how many ‘likes’ and comments they receive; their emptiness won’t be filled. For them to no longer be mentally and emotionally dependent on the responses that they receive online, they are likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what may stand out is that they often feel anxious and even fearful. Due to this, they are seldom going to be calm and at ease.
Still, they may find that if they do feel calm, it’s because they are around others and are not alone. At the same time, it might not matter if they are around others as they could still have the tendency to be all at sea. A Tiring Existence Naturally, experiencing life in his way is going to make it hard for them to live a fulfilling life. Instead of being able to freely express themselves, a big part of their life is likely to revolve around them doing what they can to feel more at ease. As a result of this, they can have the inclination to please others and to stay in the background. They might also have a number of people in their life that are like parental figures. Reaching Out Before long, they could talk to a friend or family member about what is going on for them, with this being a time when it is suggested that they seek professional assistance. Assuming that this is so, they could end up paying a visit to their doctor. After talking about what is going on for them and perhaps has been going on for a very long time, they could be put on medication. And/or, they could end up working with a cognitive behavioural therapist. One Route If they don’t take medication but they do work with this type of therapist, they are likely to be told that what is taking place in their mind is the issue. Their ‘negative’ thoughts and beliefs will then be what are causing them to suffer. For their life to change, then, what is going on in this part of their being will need to change. From this, it will be as if their mind is just playing up and needs to be fixed for them to experience life differently. An analogy Therefore, their mind won’t be any different from an appliance that is malfunctioning due to a faulty part. But, although a new part will allow this appliance to work, new thoughts and beliefs will allow their mind to work properly. After applying this approach for however long, they may find that they start to feel more at ease. Then again, this approach might only work for a short while or it might not work at all. A Strange Scenario If it only works for a short while or doesn’t work at all, they could end up wondering what is going on. But, as they will have changed what is taking place in their mind and this part of them is the issue, this is to be expected. Nonetheless, what if what is taking place in their mind is nothing more than a symptom as opposed to the cause? This might be hard for them to accept if they have come to believe that their mind is the problem and something that needs to be ‘disciplined’. The Tip Of The Iceberg What they will need to keep in mind is that they don’t begin and end with their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves. Along with this part of them, they also have an unconscious mind. This other, hidden part of them is far bigger and more impactful than their conscious mind. Yet, even though this part of them is hidden, what is held in this part of them has an effect on their conscious mind. Feedback With this in mind, as they struggle with anxiety and fear, it can show that, deep down, they fear that they are going to die. What is taking place for them at a conscious level is then a sign that something bad is about to happen. With this understanding, the anxiety and fear that they are experiencing are going to make complete sense. Without this understanding, the anxiety and fear that they are experiencing are not going to make any sense. What’s going on? Nevertheless, they could wonder why they feel as if they are going to die. What this may show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they missed out on the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been harmed and/or left. And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on or to find another family. The Outcome The handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs. This would have caused them to gradually disconnect from their body and live in their head. The years would have passed and their conscious mind would have forgotten about most if not all of what took place and how they felt but a big part of them won’t have moved on. Thanks to the pain that they are carrying and their unmet development needs, this part of them will believe that their life is about to end, not that it felt like it was going to end all those years ago. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone is an individual, it doesn’t mean that they will act like one. In general, they could act as though they are nothing more than an extension of others.
As a result of this, it will be normal for them to please others and to ignore their own needs. But, if this is just what is normal, they might not realise what is taking place. Feedback Still, this doesn’t mean that part of them won’t be aware of what is going on. Deep down, part of them is likely to be aware of the fact that they are not living a life that is in alignment with who they are. Due to this, they can often experience frustration and feel low. Yet, if they are unaware of why they often feel this way, they can believe that it is a consequence of something else. The Outcome Assuming that they are not aware, they can believe that they just suffer from depression, for instance. What this can do is cause them to see their doctor and end up going on medication. Alternatively, they could end up working with a cognitive behavioural therapist and work on their ‘negative’ thoughts. If they go on medication and/or work with this type of therapist, it might allow them to function better but it is unlikely to do much else. No Different So, if they go down this route and are able to function better, they are still going to be living a life that doesn’t reflect who they are. Therefore, sooner or later, they can end up being in a bad way and lose the desire to behave in this way. What can play a part in this is that they could end up experiencing a loss of some kind. A breakup, job loss or the passing of a loved one, could allow them to reconnect with their essence. Inner Conflict At this point, they are likely to become aware of the part of them that wants to continue to behave in the same way and the part of them that doesn’t. The former will represent their false self and the latter will represent their true self. Thanks to how strong their false self is, they are unlikely to just be able to change their behaviour. This part of them will probably dominate their true self and stop them from being able to just change their behaviour. Confusion If so, they could wonder why they have such a strong need to behave in a way that is not serving them. But, if they were to imagine changing their behaviour, what is going on for them might gradually make sense. At first, no longer pleasing others and doing what is right for them might feel good but after a while, they could feel uncomfortable. They could end up feeling anxious and fearful, with it being as though something bad will happen. Going Deeper What could enter their mind is that they will end up being left and their life will come to an end. Based on this, it will be as if the only way for them to be connected to others and to survive is to hide their needs. It could be said that this is irrational as it is unlikely that expressing themselves will cause them to be isolated and their life to end. Now, some people might not be able to accept them if they were to freely express themselves but they would soon develop new relationships and their life would continue. Two Levels Yet, although their outlook and the thoughts they have and how feel can be seen as being irrational, what is going on for them might make sense if their past is taken into account. Their early years may have been a time when they missed out on the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. For example, this may have been a time when they largely had to adapt to their parent or parents needs. If they expressed themselves, they might have been harmed and/or rejected and left. The message The love, support and encouragement that they needed to stay connected to and express themselves simply wouldn’t have been there. They would have learnt that the only way for them to be supported and to survive was to be who their parent or parents wanted them to be. To handle what was going on, they would have been forced to disconnect from themselves and form an externally focused false self. Their needs and feelings would have ended up being repressed. Moving Forward Of course, this stage of their life will be over but the meaning that was made and the pain and unmet development needs that they are carrying will be defining their life. For their life to change, they will need to question what they believe. Facing and working through the pain that they experienced and experiencing their unmet developmental needs will also be important. This is a process that will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For someone to meet their needs, they are going to need to know that they are worthy of having them met and to take action. Another way of looking at this is to say that there is the being element and the doing element.
However, although both of these elements are important, someone can be in a position where the latter is in place but not the former. Consequently, they are going to be out of balance. A Struggle They are then likely to give a lot but receive very little in return. Naturally, living in this way is going to take a lot out of them and they could often feel helpless and hopeless. To make matters worse, they might not be aware of the fact that they don’t feel worthy of having their needs met. If so, they can believe that they are merely unlucky and that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. A Logical Conclusion Yet, as they will have been doing a lot of the right things, this is to be expected. What can play a part in this is that they are likely to live in a society where taking action and working hard is seen as the most important thing when it comes to being successful. It is then not going to make sense for them to have done so much and received so little. There is a chance that some of their friends generally don’t have any trouble meeting their needs even though they don’t do as much. Another Part And, as they don’t have a felt sense of worthiness, they might have often gone to the next stage in one or a number of areas of their life, only to go back to where they were before. If this has taken place, they may have felt very angry and frustrated. This will show is that due to what is taking place for them at a deeper level, they won’t feel comfortable experiencing life differently. Thus, even if they are able to rise up, they will soon come crashing back down to earth. What’s going on? At this point, it might seem as strange as to why they wouldn’t realise that they don’t feel worthy of having their needs met. Nonetheless, if they have been this way for most of their life, it will just be what is normal. Also, they might not even be aware of how they feel, with them being in a shut down state. Furthermore, if they live in a society that is focused on the doing, they won’t be encouraged to explore their inner world. Back In Time If this is what is normal and they are in a shut down state, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when their mother and father were emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. So, they might have often been ignored, rejected, and left. What this would have done is caused them to feel unwanted, worthless, unloved, and as though they don’t belong. Taken To Heart Most likely, their mother and father had also been deprived during their formative years and were unable to provide them with what they needed. But, as they themselves were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. In addition to how they felt, they would have come to believe that they didn’t deserve to be here and to have their needs met, among other things. To handle this stage of their life, how they felt and a number of their developmental needs would have ended up being repressed. Self-Alienation The outcome of this is that Instead of being connected to their body, they would have been forced to disconnect from themselves. Their true self would have gone into hiding, with an externally focused false self emerging in its place. Years would have passed and their conscious mind would have forgotten about most if not all of what took place. Even so, what is held inside them will continue to have a big impact on their conscious mind and on how they behave. A Hidden Need As they don’t have a felt sense of worth or lovability, a big part of what drives them will be coming from a need to prove that they are worthy and lovable. This will involve them unconsciously recreating a life that is very similar to how it was for them very early on, a time when they were deprived, in the hope that they will finally be valued and loved. This part of them will still be trying to receive their mother and father's love. It won’t realise that this stage of their life is over and that it is too late for them to meet their unmet developmental needs. Drawing the line For them to no longer struggle for something that can’t be received and to develop a felt sense of worth and lovability, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is a process that will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was mistreated during their early years, they are likely to carry a lot of anger, rage, and hate. These feelings will be a natural consequence of having been violated throughout this stage of their life.
However, although this is the case, it doesn’t mean that they will be aware of how they feel. The reason for this is that they could be in a shut down state, which will stop them from being able to connect with how they feel. Another Scenario But, if they are aware of and regularly express how they feel, it doesn’t mean that they will be aware of why they feel this way. Instead, they can believe that what is going on in their life is the reason why they feel this way. Therefore, what is going on for them in the here and now will be what is causing them to experience these feelings. Now, this is not to say that this won’t be playing a part but there will be more to it. Two Parts What this illustrates is that there are the feelings and then there are the memories that go with them. By only being aware of the former, it won’t be possible for them to join the dots, so to speak. If they were to come to the conclusion that they have anger problems, they could reach out for support. This could end up being a time when they will learn how to manage their anger and the other feelings that are causing them problems. One Layer This approach might allow them to function better, but, as they won’t be exploring and resolving what is going on for them at a deeper level, it won’t do much else. To keep themselves under control and keep their cool, they can focus on their ‘negative’ thoughts and their breathing. Assuming that they are able to function better, it might not be long until they lose control and explode. If this does take place, they can feel guilty and ashamed. Self-judgement They can believe that they lack will power and are not trying hard enough. And, if they have done something that has caused a lot of harm, they can end up feeling very low. Yet, as they won’t have consciously chosen to behave in this way, laying into themselves won’t serve them. If their anger, rage, and hate were simply a consequence of the thoughts that they have, it would be a lot easier for them to control themselves. Going Deeper But, as what is held inside their unconscious mind is playing a part in what is going on for them, purely focusing on what is taking place for them at a conscious level is not going to deal with the root. What this approach will do is manage the effects, and this is why they will probably need to manage their anger forever. If they were to take a closer look at what is going on and go under their anger, rage, and hate, what they are likely to find is that they are carrying a lot of hurt. Moreover, there can be a number of unmet developmental needs. A brutal Time With this in mind, when they were mistreated as a child, they would have been deprived of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. This would have caused them to be hurt and this would have resulted in them feeling angry, enraged an,d hateful. Their self-preservation instinct would have kicked in, with them going into survival mode. Along with this, to handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs. A Cauldron The years would have passed but the pain and unmet developmental needs wouldn’t have disappeared; this is why it won’t take a lot for them to lose control. Deep down, they are also going to have the need to experience revenge. When they lose it, then, this will allow them to symbolically get their own back on their parent or parents. But, as it will be too late for this to take place and receive what they need, it won’t matter how many times they get angry. Moving Forward For them to no longer be full of fire and settle down, they will need to face their anger, rage, and hate, the hurt underneath it, and experience their unmet developmental needs. In other words, they will be fully experiencing and integrating what they were unable to fully experience and integrate during their formative years. It wouldn’t have been safe enough for them to do this and they wouldn’t have been strong enough either, with this being the reason why this material had to be repressed. This process will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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