When someone is used to being walked over by others, they can feel like a victim, or they can have a different outlook. When one can relate to the former, it will be normal for them to feel as though they have no control over their life.
Alternatively, when one doesn’t see themselves in this way, they could believe that they do have control over their life. In this case, they will believe that they can do something about what is taking place. Two Experiences At the same time, this doesn’t mean that one will always believe that they can do something about it. As they may have moments when they see themselves as a victim, and this is naturally going to have a negative effect on how they see life. When it comes to how long this inner experience will last, it can all depend on what has taken place. This could be an experience that will pass after a few hours, or it could last for a number of days. The Difference Still regardless of whether this lasts a few hours or days, it is going to be radically different to if one’s whole identity was based around them being a victim. It is then the difference between visiting a country and living there. Once one has settled down and realises that they are not simply an effect of their environment, they will be able to do something about how they experience life. Their inner state will give them the energy that they need to move forward. In The Past However, if one does have moments when they are able to step back from what is taking place, it doesn’t mean that they have always been this way. There may have been a time when they always saw themselves as a victim. At one point in their life, something caused them to see life differently, and this then stopped them from having the same identity. Perhaps one was able to see how their behaviour was playing a part, or they may have had a conversion with someone that changed their outlook. Open To It It would then be easy to say that this was something that happened randomly and that one got lucky, for instance. This could be so, but it could also show that one was ready on someone level. In the same way that seeds will only grow on fertile ground; it would have been necessary for one’s mind to be ready. If their mind wasn’t ready, it probably wouldn’t have had an impact on them. Deaf What this shows is that someone can end up not hearing something even if there is nothing wrong with their ears. This could be because it goes against what the mind believes, and so it will do everything it can to block it out. On one side, this will stop one from experiencing pain, but on the other side, it won’t enable them to change their circumstances. Their mind is then running the show and one will continue to suffer. Stuck This is something that can take place when one sees themselves as a victim; with their mind blocking out anything that goes against what they believe. It could then be said that they are not ready to change their life. Weeks, months or years could pass before they are ready to change their life. Ultimately, one is on their own journey and no one else can make them change. Unable To Draw the Line When one is in a position where they are walked over by others, it is going to be a challenge for them to listen to their own needs and feelings. What they will be used to is putting other people’s needs and feelings before their own. They are then rarely, if ever, going to come cross as assertive, and the people around them could describe them as being easy going or passive, for instance. As a result of this, they could be seen as the ideal person to have around. Abuse One can then be used to saying ‘yes’ when they would rather say ‘no’ and end up doing things that they don’t want to do. This is likely to cause them to experience a lot of frustration and anger. It could even mean that one allows other people to harm then in some way, and this could be physical, verbal and/or emotional abuse. Either way, one is tolerating behaviour that is casing them harm. Self-Harm Instead of one looking after themselves, they are doing everything they can do undermine themselves. It is then not as simple as one being harmed by others; it is that they are allowing themselves to be harmed. The trouble is that when one is not aware of what is taking place within them, it can seem as though they are not playing a part in what is taking place. At a deeper level, one could be carry a lot of pain within them, and this pain can be what is defining their life Trauma If one was to get in touch with their body, they may find that they fear being abandoned. The pain that they go through by putting other people’s needs first can be a lot easier for them to handle than the pain they would experience if they were abandoned by others. What this shows is that although they are an adult, they don’t feel like one; this is likely to show that one’s younger years were a time when they were neglected on a regular basis. To be left at this age would have felt like the end of the world, and how they felt as a child can end up coming to the surface if they are left. Awareness The years have passed and yet the trauma they experienced all those years ago has stayed within them. Along with this, they would have ended up being emotionally undeveloped. If one can relate to this and they want to change their life, they may need to work with a therapist.
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Although one can have the need to live their own life, it doesn’t mean that this is what takes place. Instead, one can find that they have the tendency to get caught up in what is taking place around them.
As a result of this, it is going to be normal for them to ignore their own feelings and needs. Naturally, this is going to cause them to experience a lot of pain and they could even end up feeling like a victim. A Bystander One can then see themselves as being on the sidelines and believe that it is only possible for other people live the kind of life whey want to live. It would be accurate to say that one is playing a supporting role in their own story. This could be how their life has been for as long as they can remember, and one could have moments where they wonder why they are alive. Yet if this doesn’t cross their mind, they could be all too familiar with what it is like to feel hopeless. An Extension Along with this, one could feel as though it is their purpose to be there for others; with this being the right thing for them to do. It then won’t matter about their own life, as their life is not going to be as important as other peoples. One has a body of their own and their own mind, but it can seem as though they are belong to other people. There is a strong chance that one will find it draining to be around others and as though they can’t be themselves. A Different Experience However, if one does have moments when they are able to listen to what is taking place within them, it could be something that only occurs around certain people. It could also be a sign that the people it their life are not going through a challenging time. Due to this, there will be no reason for them to get caught up in what they are going through. Even so, the people they spend their time with are going to have a lot of control over their life, and this is likely to lead to an unstable existence. Success If they are able to move forward in life and to achieve something, they might not be able to enjoy it. This is something that can all depend on who they are with, or on what someone else is going through. At the same time, one could find that they are only able to reach a certain level in life, and that the level they reach depends on people who are in their life at any given moment. In fact, this could set one up to believe that the only way they can stop themselves from sabotaging their life is to spend time with people who are doing well; that way they will have no reason to hold themselves back. Happiness Yet even if this was to take place, they are still going to be the whim of other people’s moods and emotions. What this comes down to is that just because someone is successful, it doesn’t mean that they will always be happy. They are bound to have ups and downs like everyone else, and this could then stop one from being able to move forward. Their focus will be on doing what they can to make sure they don’t upset anyone. An Effect One way of looking at this would be to say that one’s’ life will be nothing more than an effect of what is taking place in their environment. Their true-self will rarely see the light of day and this means that most people won’t know who they are The people that they spend their time with could pick up on this, or they could be too concerned with their own needs. As when someone ignores their own needs, they are often going attract people who are self-absorbed. Health Problems Not only can this mean that one takes on other peoples emotional states and sabotages their own success, it can also affect their health. For example, they could be in the company of someone who is unwell and before they know it, they end up feeling the same way. What this will show is that it is not just what is taking place at a mental and emotional level that is being defined by others; it is also what is taking place at a biological level. Therefore, while they are physically separate, it can be as if they are nothing more than an extension of others. Destructive Empathy It is then not that one finds it hard to put themselves in other people’s shoes; it is that they spend far too much time doing so. Also, they don’t just allow themselves to experience what other people are going through; they end up taking on their problems. A Deeper Look What this is likely to show is that although one is physically separate from others, they don’t feel as though it is safe for them to exist. Energetically they are likely to be wide open and they can feel emotionally exposed, and unless this changes they will continue to take on what doesn’t belong to them. It is then not simply going to be about one learning to say ‘no’ or changing their behaviour, for instance, as it will be far more complex than this. The reason they are experiencing life in this way can be down to what their childhood was like. Early Years During their formative years, one may have been brought up by someone who lacked boundaries, and this would have caused them to be violated in a number of ways. This could have been someone who was emotionally unstable, for instance, and this could have meant that one would have felt like they were walking on eggshells. Thus, through being walked over and being around someone who was so unpredictable, they didn’t get the care that they need to feel safe in their body and to individuate. Tuning into their caregivers emotional state would have been matter of life or death. Awareness It is then going to very important for them to get the assistance that they need to develop boundaries, and this can be provided by a therapist. One could be carrying trauma and they could also be emotionally undeveloped.
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While some people have boundaries, there are others who don’t have them, and this is going to cause them to experience life differently. However, although one doesn’t have them, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this.
Instead, they can simply carry on with their life and continue to put up with all the challenges that will arise through not having them. The reason for this is that one is unlikely to realise why they are experiencing life as they are. Normal Therefore, regardless of whether one has them or not, this is likely to be what they have become accustomed to. And if one does have them, there is a strong chance that it is due to what their childhood was like. Similarly, if one doesn’t have them, their childhood is also likely to be where the answers are to be found. As a result of this, what took place during their early years can have a big effect on how they experience life as an adult. Better Off This is then just one example of how not everyone on this planet is equal, and how what is taking place within them can make it easier for them to handle life. But while this is the case, this is rarely something that people talk about when it comes to the advantages that some people have. When they talk about these kinds of things, they are likely to focus on the resources that they have, for instance. It could then be said that they will be primarily focusing on what can be seen as opposed to what cant. Challenges As if one doesn’t have boundaries, it might not matter what their background is or how much money they have in the bank. They can end up suffering in one way or another, and their mental and emotional state could be far worse that someone who has boundaries but less resources. This could be hard for one to understand if they think that money solves everything, and they could believe that their life would be perfect. Now, clearly someone will have more options through having money, but that doesn’t mean that they will have the awareness that they need to work through their problems. Avoidance They could be completely out of touch with what is taking place within them, and this could then cause them run away from their pain. Thus, if they experience any kind of discomfort, they might be drawn to alcohol or drugs, for instance. On the other hand, one might not have a lot of money but they could have a good connection with their inner world. And through having this connection, they might be able to elevate themselves out of their current position. Boundaries When boundaries are mentioned, it is not uncommon for one to think about how they relate to being able to say ‘no’. As through having them, it will allow someone to stand their ground and not to be walked over. It is then not going to be hard to understand why they are so important and that if one doesn’t have them, it will be normal for them to be walked over. This can then set them up to feel like a victim. Relationships Based on this, one’s relationships are going to be far healthier if they have boundaries. There will be no reason for them to lose themselves and to always go along with what other people want. One will be able to listen to their needs and feelings and it will also allow them to respect other people’s personal space. The alternative would be for one to also go along with what others want, and this will have a negative effect on their wellbeing. Abuse This may involve going out when they don’t want to and lending people money when they have got enough themselves. On the other side, it could mean that one will put up with people who are abusive. Other people will see them as an easy target and one could see themselves as being a magnet for unhealthy people. These people won’t always need to observe one’s behaviour to know this, as they could just sense it. Even Worse To experience life in this way is going to create a lot of pain, but that’s not to say that everyone will deal with this pain in the same way. Along with this, there are going to be some people who will suffer more than others if they can’t stand their ground; this can be the case if one is a sensitive person. And even though something might be overlooked by someone else, it could end up having a big impact on them. It is then going to be vital for them to be able to stand their ground and to listen to their needs and feelings. Highly Sensitive Person One is unlikely to be able to handle as much stimulation as the average person, and so if they say yes when they should be saying no, they will soon feel drained. And as it can be easy for them to take on what doesn’t belong to them, they will need to be very selective when it comes to who they spend their time with. Yet when someone like this doesn’t have boundaries, they can end up ignoring what is taking place within them and end up focusing on what is place around them. This may have been what they had to do in order to survive when they were younger. Awareness Their early years would have been a time when their caregivers didn’t understand how sensitive they were, and this then stopped them from receive the kind of care that they desperately needed. At the same time, these experiences could have caused or even increased their sensitivity. If one can relate to this and they want to develop boundaries, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist.
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When it comes to being successful, it is often said that one shouldn’t take no for an answer and that they should keep going. As if they were to give up after they experience negative response, they are not going to get very far.
It is then going to be in their best interest to be persistent and not to let anything stand in their way. Through having this approach, it may only be a matter of time before they start to make progress. Resilience What this will also do is to allow them to gradually develop their mental and emotional strength. They may then get to a point where it no longer bothers them when someone says that they can’t do something, or when they are not given the answer they are looking for. It will then be a lot easier for them to take action when they need to, as they won’t be focused on what kind of response they will get. Ultimately, one is not going to allow other peoples responses to define their life. Focus One way of looking at this would be to say that they will be primarily concerned about their own needs. This could then show that they have a strong with connection to what is taking place within them and that they are not willing to overlook their own purpose. But while this is clearly the right way to be when it comes to making progress in life, it is not going to always the best approach to take. One area where it won’t be appropriate for one to be this way is when it comes to their relationships. Human Beings When it comes to other people, one could realise that they can’t make them do things, and that they have to accept that there will be moments when they won’t say yes. However, one could believe that this is to be expected; especially as they have their own feelings and needs. So although one might get annoyed when this happens or feel let down, they won’t act as though the other person has done anything wrong. Through being this way, there is a strong chance that the people in their life have the same outlook. Boundaries What this will show is that one will know where they begin and end, and where other people begin and end. If they tried to force someone to do something, they would know what this would mean that they are violating their boundaries. And through using their ability to empathise, they would see that this would be the wrong thing for them to do. During this time, they may start to get angry, and this is because they would be imagining what it would be like if someone tried to do this to them. A Choice Therefore, when one asks someone if they want to do something and they agree, it is likely to be due to the fact that they want to do it. In the same way, if someone is friends with them it is also going to be because they want to be. It could be said that this is how life should be and that people shouldn’t be in a position where they do things or are friends with people for any other reason. Yet there are going to be plenty of people who don’t experience life in this way. A Challenge One could find that they often end up coming into contact with people who don’t take no for answer, and this can then be something that causes them a lot of problems. At times they might stand their ground, but at others time they might simply go along with what someone else wants. Or this could always be how their life is and it will then be normal for them to feel like a door mat. One can believe that they have no control over their life and that other people are out to cause them harm. Examples On one side, one could be used to going out when they don’t want to or helping someone when they haven’t got time. And on the other side, they could end up having sex when they don’t want to or doing something with their partner that they don’t want to do. Having said that, one might find that they can relate to all these examples and a number of others may also come to mind. This is then going to be something that they can’t simply overlook and the sooner their life changes the better. The Perpetrator When someone can’t take no for an answer, it is going to be clear that they don’t know where they begin and end, and where other people begin and end. Thus, it is to be expected that they won’t be able to see that other people are not an extension of them. Their needs are then going to take precedence and the needs of others are going to be irrelevant. It might then be accurate to say that they find it hard to empathise with others, or that they are unable to do so. A Deeper Look The reason one is like this can be due to what took place during their early years, and this may have been a time when they were walked over. Through being brought up by someone who lacked boundaries, it would have stopped one from being able to develop them. One would then have believed that they had two choices: either they allow people to walk over them or they walk over others. They would then have disconnected from their feelings and end up identifying with their perpetrator. Control And while this causes them to treat others in a way that is similar to how they were treated, it gives them a sense of control. One is then not going to change their behaviour until they can see that there is another option. Awareness It will then be important for them to work through the pain that is within them and to finally develop boundaries. This will improve their life and it will stop them from harming other people. On the other hand, if one is used to coming into contact with people who won’t accept no for an answer, it could also show that they lack boundaries. In this case, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist.
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There are some people who say ‘yes’ from time to time, and then there are others who more or less always say it. One way of looking at this would be to say that the people who fall into the second group are going to be in a better position.
This is because they can be seen as people who embrace life, and this is then going to make their life more enjoyable. However, when this doesnt take place, they can be seen as people who sit on the sidelines, so to speak. One Option Based on this outlook, if one wants to get the most out of their time on this earth, it will be important for them to say ‘yes’ as much as they can. Yet if they don’t want to make the most out of the life they have been given, it won’t matter if they say ‘yes’. If one wants to get an idea of what it means to say ‘yes’ to others, they could imagine being asked by one their friends to go out. Through agreeing to go out, they are likely to have a good time. Another Area Alternatively, one could see themselves at work, and this could be a time when their manager is asking them if they would like to take part in some kind of training, for instance. This could be something that would allow them to go to the next level, or it might create a good impression. Clearly, it would be a good idea for them to say ‘yes’ if this was to happen; if they were to say ‘no’, it could take them longer to move forward. In fact, they might not get the opportunity again, and one would then be sabotaging their life. Relationships Along with this, if one is attracted to someone and they were ask them if they would like to go out some time, it would be in their best interests to say ‘yes’. Through saying this word, it would give them the chance to get to know the other person better. This could then allow them to have a fulfilling relationship with them, or they might just have a good time together. But if they were to say ‘no’, they wouldn’t get the chance to find out what they are like. The List Goes On There are many other ways in which one’s life can be enhanced through saying ‘yes’, and after seeing these examples, it might be hard to see why anyone would want to experience life differently. It would be easy to come to the conclusion that people are missing out if they don’t say ‘yes’. Even so, this doesn’t mean that it is always appropriate for one to say ‘yes’, and the reason for is that this would also cause one to experience problems. At times it will be a good idea for one to go along with something, and at other times it won’t be. Point Of Focus When someone says that it is better to say ‘yes’ in life, it could be a sign that they are only thinking about the times when it has had a positive effect on their life. As a result of this, it could cause them to overlook the moments when it was necessary for them to say ‘no’. Therefore, by only focusing on certain experiences, they end up coming across as though they are out of balance. Thus, if one was to spend a few days with them, they might soon realise that this is someone who is able to use both words. Another Experience Having said that, they could also be in a position where they are unable to say ‘no’, and this will show that they are out of balance. It is then going to be important for them to do what other people want and to overlook their own needs. It the outsider, they could come across as though they are only too happy to please others, but at a deeper level, this is going to be far from the truth. Yet as this is what allows them to receive approval, they are unlikely to behave differently. Conflict On the other hand, one could be only too aware of how destructive their behaviour is, and this means that they will realise that their behaviour doesn’t match up with who they are. One will then have the need to say ‘no’, but it won’t be possible for them to say it. When one says ‘yes’ it could be something that just seems to happen, and it could then be seen as something that they have no control over. It is then similar to how one can open a door without having to think about what they are doing. Consequences While being able to say ‘yes’ may enable them to have good experiences and to move forward in life, there is a strong chance that this won’t make up for the other things that they go through. For one thing, it could be normal for them to be walked over, and they could even be used to being abused by others. They could believe that other people define how they live their life, and it this could then mean that they spend a lot of life feeling hopeless. Under the mask that they wear, they could carry a lot of anger, and there could be times when they explode. It’s Safe If one was to reflect on why the experience life this way, they could come to see that this is what feels comfortable. So although they want to experience life differently, it can be seen as something that would threaten their very survival. One thing that one could then do is to go against the pressure that is within them and force themselves to say ‘no’. Another thing they could do is to look back on their life and to see if there was a time when it wasn’t safe for them to say ‘no’. Childhood If they were to do this, they may find that it relates to what took place during their early years. This could have been a time when they experienced some kind for abuse and/or they may have been neglected. Awareness If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist. This can be a time when one will be dealing with what is taking place in their mind and their body.
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While it is relatively easy to say ‘yes’, the same can’t be said when it comes to saying ‘no’. In fact, there are going to be plenty of people who are unable to say ‘no’, and it could then be said that it doesn’t mean much when they say ‘yes’.
What this emphasises is how important it is for one to be able to say both words. As if they are unable to do so, it is likely to show that they find it hard to stand their ground. A Common Perspective At the same time, one of these words is often seen in a positive light and the other is often seen in a negative light. For example, one can prefer other people to say ‘yes’ as this will allow them to fulfil their needs. Along with this, if one was to say ‘no’, it could cause them to receive a negative reaction from someone. Thus, due to situations such as these, it can create the impression that one word is better than the other. Approval If one is in a position where they need a lot of approval from others people, it could be normal for them to go along with what other people want. This is then going to mean that they will have the tendency to ignore their own needs. Even so, the people that they surround themselves with could believe that they are doing the right thing. And as they are doing what other people want, it could be said that this is to be expected. A Different Experience But if one was to expect these people to always say ’yes’ to them, there is a strong chance that they would have a radically different experience. They would probably start to get angry, and they would start to wonder why they are ignoring their own needs. Based on this, if the people that they are surrounded with are only too happy for them to constantly ignore their own needs, it could be said that they don’t care about them. They are seen as someone who is there to fulfil their needs, and that’s as far as it goes. Overlooked However, if one has the tendency to say ‘yes’, other people could come to the conclusion that it’s because they want to. There is then going to be no reason for them to believe that they are taking advantage of them. If someone was to describe them, they could say that one likes to go with the flow, or that they are always happy to lend a hand, for instance. It might then be accurate to say that one is going to be quiet popular. Another Experience Having said that, this might not be the case, and one could be used to being around people who are only too happy to take advantage of them. One is then not going to simply help people when they want to, or to agree to do things that they don’t want to do; they could end up being harmed in some way. Perhaps one could be in a relationship with someone who physically abuses them, or they could agree to do things that go against their best interests. But regardless of whether one feels frustrated in life or completely violated, it is going to be a challenge for them to appreciate the life that they have been given. A Closer Look Yet even though saying ‘yes’ is often seen as being better than saying ‘no’ in today’s world, it doesn’t mean that one’s society has the biggest effect on whether or not they are able to stand their ground. In order for one to understand why they find it hard to do this, it might be better for them to look at what took place during their childhood years. As if one finds it hard to speak their truth as an adult, it is likely to be a sign that they were unable to do this as a child. During the beginning of their life, this could have been a time when their boundaries were not respected. Association Through having these experiences, one would have learnt that it wasn’t safe for them to stand their ground. If they were to do this, it could have caused them to experience even more harm. Therefore, even though time has passed and one is no longer a powerless child, they are still experiencing life in the same way. Once one starts to see why they are experience life in this way and they want to move forward, it will give them the chance to experience life differently. A New Start One could start to develop boundaries by working with a therapist and/or a support group, for instance. Now, this is unlikely to be something that will take place overnight, but it will be worth it in the long run. Once one feels safe enough to say ‘no’, their existing relationships are likely to change, and they could start to attract new people into their life. Yet as one will be expressing their true-self for the first time in their life, this is to be expected. Resistance While some of one’s relationships could improve, there could be others that begin to disintegrate. This is because one will no longer be willing to do what they did before, and this can mean that other people will feel rejected. These people could then talk about how they feel, or they could avoid how they feel and become antagonistic. So instead of being able to recognise that one has made a positive change in their life, they will see it as something negative. Point Of Focus It will then be important for one to think about how far they have come and to cut their ties with people who are unable to embrace who they have become. Through doing this, they will create the space to attract people who can support them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When it comes to how one experiences life, there are going to be a number of factors that will play a part. One of these things is the state of their health, and this is something that most people are aware of.
Physical Health For example, it is not uncommon to hear about how important it is to eat the right food and to exercise. Along with this, if one has something wrong with their physical health, they are likely to go and see a doctor. There is then no reason why one should overlook this part of their life, and if they do, they might only have themselves to blame. If, on the other hand, this was something that wasn’t given a lot of exposure, then it would be easier for one to say that they didn’t realise how important this area is. Emotional Health Another thing that can’t be overlooked is one’s mental and emotional health, as this will have a big effect on their day-to-day life. This is not to say that this is something that is separate from their physical health though, and this is because these two areas influence each other. When one feels as though they are together on the inside, it is likely to be a lot easier for them to function. There will then be no need for them to simply survive; they will be able to thrive. Wellbeing What this emphasises is how difficult it is for someone to enjoy their life when they are not in a good way on the inside. It is unlikely to matter what kind of physical condition they are in, as it won’t make much of a difference. Based on this, mental and emotional health should receive as much exposure as physical health does. But as this is not the case, it can be normal for one to overlook what is taking place within them, and to suffer as a consequence. Boundaries And in order for one to be able to embrace life, it will be necessary for them to have boundaries. As if this is not the case, it is going to be something that has a negative effect on every area of their life. Through having boundaries, one will be able to express themselves, and this is because they will feel safe enough to do so. Without them, they won’t feel as though it is safe for them to stand their ground, and it will then be normal for them to lose themselves. One Way One will then have no choice but to go along with what other people want them to do and this is going to lead to a frustrating existence. Their needs will have to be overlooked and they will end up fulfilling other people needs. Yet even though this will cause them to suffer, it is going to be what feels comfortable. One is then going to be sabotaging their own life, and they are going to feel as though there is nothing they can do about it. Another Way Along with this, one can end up isolating themselves in order to avoid having to do what other people want. Keeping people at bay will then allow them to feel safe on one hand, but it will cause them to be disconnected on the other. Yet if one doesn’t want to be walked over by others, then it is to be expected that they would take this option. This would show that they are only aware of two options, and they alternate between the two. The Ideal When one can express themselves around others and they don’t feel the need to retract from life in order to feel safe, their life is going to be an expression of who they are. They will be able to give to the world and the world will be able to give to them. There will be moments when they please others and moments when they won’t, but this is part life and not something that can be avoided. If one was to always say ‘yes’, they would end up harming themselves in the process. The Right Approach When this happens, there are going to be people who will see them as being stubborn or as unfair, for instance, but this is something that one will have to put up with. In these cases, these people are likely to be focused on their own needs and not what is in one’s best interest. So, the disapproval that they receive throughout their life can be seen as a sign that they are actually living their life. The alternative would be for one to please others and to lose themselves. On A Bigger Scale Now, while an individual needs to have boundaries in order to fulfil their own needs, so does a country. When it is possible for a country to stand their ground, it is going to be a lot better for the people who live in the country. For one thing, the country will be aware of what they stand for, and this will then allow them to make sure that the people who enter the country abide by the same values. This is because the primary concern is not going to be the need please the people that come in; it will be to maintain the way of life that already exists. A Limit This is not to say that their needs will end up being overlooked; what it means is that they will need to adapt to the culture they are coming into. And if they are fleeing a country because of what it is like and joining a country in order to have a better life, then this would be the sensible thing to do. There could also be a limit as to how many people could come in during each year and the majority of people that come in might have to fit a certain criteria. What this will do is make sure a country is not overpopulated and that the people who do come in generally add to what already exists. Resources This will allow the country to keep a close eye on their resources, and not to waste them on people who are not going to add value to their culture. Due to this, it will be possible for them to be used for the right things, and the country can then continue to develop. The people who have helped create these resources will also benefit, and as they have worked for them, it could be said that this is how it should be. It wouldn’t be right for these people to go without. The Opposite However, when a country doesn’t have boundaries, there is going to be a greater focus on pleasing the people who want to come in (and the people who have come in) and less focus on the people who live there. And as they are unable to stand their ground, it will be normal for people from other cultures to do as they please. These people can then live by the values they have brought in, and the people who live there will have their way of life compromised as a result. Although some people in this country will stand their ground, there are going to be plenty of people who are primarily focused on the needs of the people that come in. Moral Posturing In the short-term, this might allow these people to feel good and to gain the moral high ground, but in the long-term, they are going to suffer in one way of another. This could mean that it is no longer safe for them to live in the same way as they used to, or it could mean that they have to walk on eggshells to avoid offending the people who have come in (and who continue to do so). But if they are so accepting and the people who come in are not, it is clear to see that they are setting themselves up to experience problems. This is then similar to a caregiver that always says ’yes’ to their child to avoid upsetting them, and through doing this, the child ends up causing all kinds of problems as time goes by. Awareness What this shows is how important it is for individuals and countries to embrace the masculine and the feminine. The feminine is what allows one to say ‘yes’; whereas the masculine is what allows one to say ‘no’. If one side is in use and the other is out of use, it is going to create an imbalance. When a country rejects their masculine side, they will be walked over, and when they reject their feminine side, they will walk over others.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
There are a number of things that will make it easier to have fulfilling relationships with others, and having boundaries is one of them. The primary reason for this is that they will allow someone to maintain their sense of self.
As when one is unable to do this, it is going to be a challenge for them to have a relationship with another person. It can then be normal for them to lose themselves or for them to come on too strong. A Common Theme In today’s world, there are plenty of books available that give relationship advice, and there are also courses to choose from. What this shows is that there are a lot of people who are not happy with what is taking place in their life and that they want it to change. And while these books and courses can have different descriptions, there is a strong chance that they talk about boundaries. This is not to say that they will use the word, but the guidance they offer is likely to relate to the same thing. Different Aspects What this comes down to is that although boundaries are often seen as something that will enable one to say no and to stand their ground; there is so much more to them. Ultimately, they allow one to feel safe in their body and this then makes it possible for them to maintain who they are around others. Along with this, they stop one from having to carry what belongs to their ancestors, and this means that their life can be an expression of who they are. It could then be said that there is a surface level understanding of what they are and a deeper level understanding. One Experience So when one’s relationships are not going as they would like them to go, they could find that it comes down to the fact that other people walk all over them. This could be something they have been aware of for quite some time, or it might have just occurred to them. One option would be for them to feel like a victim and to blame others, and another option would be for them to take responsibility for what is happening and then to reach out for support. If they take the first option, their life is unlikely to change; but if they take the second option, this won’t be the case. Ready to Move On One may have already spent a lot of time feeling like a victim and through experiencing life in this way; they are no longer willing to play this role. This could be a time where they end up reading a book and or they might work with a therapist, for instance. The Opposite Having said that, one may also be in a position where they have the tendency to come on too strong, and this means they will be used to walking over others. And once again, this could be something they have just become aware of, or it might have been on their mind for a while. There is then a strong chance that they are used to making other people feel like victims, and this could cause them to push other people away. While they might appreciate their ability to speak their truth and to stand their ground, for instance, what they won’t appreciate is being smothered by them, among other things. A New Beginning One has then got to the point where they are fully aware of how they behaviour is effecting others and they want this to change. The process that they can take in order to change their life can be the same as if they were being walked over. Self-Reflection Yet regardless of whether one is in a position where they are being walked over or walking over others, it shows that they have taken the time to reflect on their own behaviour. This is the first step thing that needs to happen for one to get the ball moving, so to speak. Without this, one will continue to behave in the same way and it won’t be possible for them to change their life. It can then be normal for one to see themselves as being nothing more than an observer of what is taking place in their life. Another Experience One can then be around people that walk over them and/or who are unable to stand up for themselves, for instance, and they can wonder what is going on for these people. In fact, that could be an understatement, as one could tell them that they need to change. This could mean that one believes that they have it all together and that the people in their life are the ones who need to sort themselves out. If this was to happen, it would show that one has taken on a superior position. The Mirror Thus, one is not playing a part in what is taking place in their life, and there will then be no reason for them to change. If the people they come into contact with don’t change, one might end up replacing them with others. But while this might work, there is also the chance that they would end up in the same position, and this is because they are not simply observing life. Yet unless one takes the time to reflect on their own behaviour and what is taking place within them, they are not going to realise this. A Deeper Look If one finds that they attract people who are unable to stand up for themselves, it is likely to be a sign that they fear being walked over at a deeper level. There could also be moments in their life when people do walk over them. Alternatively, if one is used to attracting people that walk over them, it is likely to mean that they fear what would happen if they were to stand their ground. They could also have moments in their life where they walk over others. Early Experiences When one experiences life in this way, it can be due to what took place during their childhood years. Perhaps one was abused and/or neglected, and as these experiences were so painful, they would have disconnected from what took place. If one has the tendency to be walked over by others, it can mean that they are still in touch of how they felt during these years; whereas when one walks over others, it can mean that they have lost touch with how they felt. Either way, these experiences are still defining their life. Awareness When it comes to moving forward, it might be necessary for one to reach out for external support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
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There can be times when someone has too much of something and times when they don’t have enough. It is often said that when one wants something it is never there and yet when they don’t want it, it ends up appearing.
However, while this can relate to something physical, it is also something that can relate to one’s personality. For example, one can be in a position where they have come to the conclusion that they are out of balance. The Reason This could be a sign that one has reflected on their own behaviour, or it could be the result of what other people have said to them. At the same time, both of these factors may have had an influence. Perhaps one has had this outlook for a number of days or it may have been something they have had for a number of years. Still, there is going to be a strong chance that they want to do something about it and not just carry on as they are. Empathy If one was to think about what is causing them to suffer, they may find that it is to do with their ability to experience other people’s emotional states. Therefore, something that should enhance their life is having the opposite effect. And the reason it is having a negative effect on their life is likely to come down to the fact that it is something that causes them to be overwhelmed. It is then not a case of simply tuning into another person’s emotional state and then tuning out; it is something that takes over their whole being. The Other Extreme How they experience life is then going to be completely different to someone that doesn’t have the ability to empathise with others or is only able to do this at certain times. If anything, it could be said that it would be a good idea for them to work on their ability to tune into other people’s emotional states. It might be then normal for them to be told that they are cold, or that they appear to be lacking something. Yet regardless of the kind of feedback that they get from others, they are not going to be overwhelmed by how other people feel. In The Middle There are then going to be people who have the ability to tune into other people’s emotional states without being overwhelmed. Now, this is not to say that this will always be the way; but it is likely to be what generally takes place. Through being this way, having the ability to empathise will be something that has a positive effect on their life. Their relationships are likely to be more fulfilling than they would be if they didn’t have this ability, and it will be a lot easier for them to experience intimacy. A Way of Life When one experiences too much empathy, it will be normal for them to lose touch with how they feel. In fact, they might find it hard to work out whether how they feel relates to their own emotional state or someone else’s. To experience life in this way is going to be incredible draining, and one may feel the need to spend a lot of time by themselves. Through doing this, it may allow them to settle themselves down. Day To Day Life On one hand, there will be the challenges that they have in their personal relationships, and on the other hand, there will be what takes place in their day to day life. When they spend time with their friends and family, for instance, they could end up been drawn into their experience. Yet this is something that could take place whilst they are at work or if they were to go shopping. Thus, being around others is going to be something that takes a lot from them. A Common Dynamic If they were to have intimate relationships with others, they may find that they end up with people that don’t have the same amount of empathy as they do. In fact, they may attract people who are unable to experience empathy. These people are then going to be a complete mismatch, and one is going to give far more than they receive. These could be the kinds of relationships that are typically seen as being abusive. Needs So as their point of awareness is generally going to be on how other people feel, it is going to be a challenge for them to get their needs met. But as they are so caught up in other people, they might not even know what their needs are. One way of looking at this would to say that even though they are physically separate from others, it is still not possible for them to have their own experience. They feel wide open and unless this changes, they will continue to soak up what is taking place around them. Boundaries It could be said that one is sensitive and this is something that they have to put up with, and while this could be the case, there could be more to it. What it could come down to is that one is boundaryless, and this is then why they absorb so much. This is because boundaries not only allow one to say no and to stand their ground for instance, they also allow them to feel safe and protected on an energetic level. But if one has experienced life in this way for as long as they can remember, they won’t realise that they are boundaryless; it will simply be what is normal. Childhood During their childhood years, they may have had a caregiver that abused them or got too close to them. Ultimately, their personal space wouldn’t have been respected and this stopped them from being able to develop boundaries. Awareness If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, it might be necessary for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was to tell someone that they are leaving their job or a relationship, for instance, there is a strong that they would know what they are talking about. When they think about what one is doing, they might imagine them saying goodbye to their colleagues or walking away from the person they were with.
Through being in this position, there is the chance that they will be able to empathise with them. Along with this, one may also be told that they are there for them if they need their support. Normal It could be said that it will be normal for one to receive these kinds of responses, and this is because they are talking about something that most people can relate to. As it is so common, one may also find that someone they know is having a similar experience, or they may have been in the same position a short while ago However, if one was to tell someone that they were leaving something or someone and they didn’t understand, it could be because they are not very old. Or it could mean that the person they are talking to speaks another language. Support When one can talks about something and other people understand what they are talking about, it is going to make their life a lot easier. And while other people can understand them when they talk about these kinds of things, this is not always going to be the case. Now, this is not necessarily going to be due to the fact that they don’t understand what it means to leave something or someone. What it can come down to is that they don’t understand how it could happen. Their Body This is the kind of response that one can receive if they told someone that they keep leaving their body. They could also say that they are unable to get in their body. Someone could tell them that it is not possible for them to leave their body, as it is part of them. Having said that, they might know what they are talking about, but if not, they might ask them to talk about their experience. The Experience However, even if someone doesn’t believe that it is possible for them to leave their body, it is not going to change ones experience. When one leaves their body, it doesn’t mean that they will actually be stepping out of it. What it is likely to come down to is that they will disconnect from it, and this means they won’t be aware of their body. The only thing that one is likely to be aware of is what is taking place in their mind. Looking Down As a result of this, they won’t feel as though their body is a part of them; they can see their body as being separate. Another way of looking at this would be to say that their attention will be in their mind. It is then not going to be possible for them to feel grounded in their body, and they could feel as though they are floating. For that reason, it can be a challenge for them to feel at peace and to relax. An Observer When one is in their body, it will allow them to experience life; whereas when they are in their mind, they will end up observing life. Therefore, when one leaves their body, it will stop them from being able to embrace life. So while they will be aware of what is taking place in their mind, they won’t be aware of what is taking place in their body; if they are, they might only be aware of their body’s sensations. This can then mean that the will be out of touch with how they feel, and they might now know what their needs are either. Unaware Yet even though someone can be aware of what is happening, they could also be in a position where they are not. Thus, there will be no reason for them to talk about what is taking place in their life, as it will be the only thing they know. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that their life won’t be affected by the fact they are disconnected from their body. The difference is that one won’t be aware of why they are experiencing life as they are. Common Problems One could say that they experience a lot of anxiety and that they rarely know what they need or how they feel. They could also say that they generally feel ‘ungrounded’ in life, and this could cause them to engage in certain activity’s to bring them back down to earth, so to speak. And through being out of touch with their body, it could also mean that they are either underweight or overweight. The reason for this is that they won’t know when they are hungry, and so they won’t eat when they need to or they will eat when they don’t need to. From Time To Time But regardless of whether one realises that they are disconnected from their body or not, they will have moments when they can connect to it. On one side, this could be something that happens naturally, and on the other side, it could happen through consciously doing something. If it happens naturally, it could be something one experiences when they are in a certain environment. When it happens through consciously doing something, it could mean that one is having massage or doing yoga, for instance. What’s going on? The reason one is unable to stay in their body can be because they don’t feel safe being in their body. So just like one would run away to protect themselves; they can leave their body to achieve the same outcome. What this can mean is that one is boundaryless, and this is why they are unable to stay in their body. If they were to connect to their body, they would feel exposed, and in order to avoid feeling this way, they will go into their head. A Deeper Look The reason one experiences life in this way can be due to what took place during their childhood. This may have been a time where they were abused and/or neglected, and there may have been someone who got too close to them. These experiences would have stopped one from being able to develop boundaries, and it will then be normal for one to be wide open at an energetic level. And unless this changes, it is going to be a challenge for one to stay in their body. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This will be a time where one will be dealing with trauma.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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