One thing that someone could often struggle with is feeling alone and isolated from others. During this time, they could be desperate for human contact and hope that they will soon spend time with another or a few others.
However, if this was to take place, it doesn’t mean that their whole being would show up around another. In other words, their physical self will be there but it doesn’t mean that their emotional self will be there. An Analogy This is then similar to one being extremely hungry and only having a starter at a restaurant as opposed to a three-course meal. Undoubtedly, it is better than nothing but it won’t leave them feeling full. If anything, it will just take the edge of their hunger (loneliness) and it won’t be long until they go back to how they were before. They will have had their fast food and now they can go back to how they were before. Hidden In order for them to receive the nutrients that they need, it will be necessary for their emotional self to also show up. Naturally, this will allow them to fill a number of their needs. Along with this, it will also allow them to fully show up, not simply play a role. This is what is likely to happen when they are around another, with them becoming who they think another wants them to be. The False Self They may come across as easy-going, happy and submissive during this time. By being this way, they will act more like an extension of another than a separate being that has their own needs, feelings and wants. Considering this, for them to be connected to themselves, it might be necessary for them to be in their own company. If this is the case, being by themselves is not going to be very fulfilling and neither is being around another. Two Options This could be something that they are not aware of or it could be something that they are fully aware of. If they are aware of it, they could be sick and tired of feeling so lonely and losing themselves around others. They could end up getting to the point where, as lonely as it is, they prefer to be by themselves. This will be painful but it will stop them from having to put on an act around others. A Strange Scenario What should be normal is for them to feel comfortable in their own company and comfortable when they are around others. This would allow them to connect to who they are regardless of it they were alone or not. What this would do is enable them to have deeper relationships with others and to experience intimacy. As when it comes to intimate relationships, this is likely to be another area of their life that causes them a lot of problems. A Closer Look When they start to spend time with someone, they are likely to hide who they are as they do in other relationships. Still, this can be a time when they are so relieved to experience human contact with someone to who they are attracted. But, as time goes go and more is naturally expected from them, they could soon have the need to retract. This could be because the other has started to share their feelings and wants them to do the same and/or simply because they are developing a stronger bond. The Meaning Taking all this into account, so the fact that they lose themselves around others and can only connect to themselves when they are alone and don’t feel comfortable when they get close to another, what is clear is that human contact is not seen as something that is positive. Of course, on one level they will want this as they are an independent human being but, on another, they won’t. They won’t feel safe enough to reveal who they are or to get too close to another, which is why they prefer to be by themselves. The trouble is that although this feels comfortable, living in this way is undermining them. A Deeper Look What this may illustrate, if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, is that their boundaries were rarely if ever respected during their early years. They were then more like an object than a separate being that had needs, feelings and wants, and this would have caused them to be violated in both big and small ways. As they were powerless and dependent on their caregiver/s at this stage of their life, their only options would have been to tolerate what was going on and isolate themselves. What would have also taken place, to protect themselves from pain was that they would have disconnected from their emotional self. Defenceless Losing touch with their feelings and/or getting away from everyone wouldn’t have changed what was going on, but it would have stopped them from being aware of it. They would then have been able to be violated without being fully aware of what was going on. The person (or people) who were supposed to love and protect them would have deeply traumatised them, stopped them from developing in the right way, forming boundaries and set them up to fear human contact. They would have also caused them to disconnect from their aggression/fight instinct and thus, left them exposed and unable to protect themselves. Another Element When it comes to standing their ground and saying no, this can be seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned and then for their life to come to an end. Being rejected and/or abandoned was probably what took place when they tried to assert themselves as a child and when they were abandoned, they would have probably felt like they were going to die. By isolating themselves, they won’t need to assert themselves and so they will be able to stop themselves from unlocking emotional wounds that relate to feeling rejected and abandoned. The reason for this is that just like when they were a child, they will be able to disconnect from how they feel; to leave their body and go into their head. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. There will be emotional wounds that they will need to heal and trauma for them to resolve. This will also allow them to settle down their nervous system and for it to go from being wired for protection, to wired for connection.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If someone was to think about their last relationship, what they may find is that they started to lose themselves when they first started meeting the other and had more or less completely lost themselves once they were together. There is the chance that this has taken place on more than one occasion.
If so, one will see that they have had a number of relationships where this has taken place. This will then be a scenario that they are far too familiar with. What Happens If they are in a relationship like this now, regardless of if they have or haven’t had this experience on a number of different occasions before, they could see that they are playing a role. This will mean that their behaviour is not defined by their own needs, feelings, wants and preferences. No, it will be defined by who the other person wants them to be and who they think they want them to be. Therefore, their physical self will show up but their emotional and perhaps their mental self won’t. It’s hidden Yet, although who they are will rarely if ever see the light of day around their partner, it doesn’t mean that the other person will realise this. Thanks to how well they will be able to play this role, it might not even stand out. At the same time, if it doesn’t stand out it could simply show that the other person is not very perceptive. Perhaps, due to their own wounds, they expect another person to behave like an extension of them. A Build-Up But, while they won’t show who they are, that doesn’t mean that the signs won’t be there that they are not happy with what is going on. They might not be able to acknowledge how they feel about what is going on but if they could, they may feel frustrated, angry and resentful. What is truly going on for them will, in one way or another, influence their behaviour. This could mean that they will end up pulling away, not answering calls or texts and not being very present in their partners company. The Final Straw Seeing no way forward, they could end the relationship either by disappearing or breaking up with them. Then again, they could get into an affair, with this being a more indirect way for them to pull the plug on their relationship. By doing this, their partner can find out about what is going on and end it, taking away their need to assert themselves. Whatever happens, they are likely to be relieved that they won’t need to hide themselves any longer. Looking Deeper If this is what happens when they are in an intimate relationship, it is not a surprise that being in a relationship is not very fulfilling. Being in a relationship will cause them to lose something that is very precious – themselves. So, no matter how much they will gain by being in a relationship, it won’t make up for what it is that they will lose. However, what if there is another option, one that doesn’t involve them losing themselves? A Third Option This would mean that it is not a case of one either being in a relationship and losing themselves or being by themselves and staying connected to who they are; they are also able to be in a relationship and stay connected to who they are. Right now, this might not be seen as something that is remotely possible. If this was to happen, they would be in a relationship that would consist of two individuals and a third entity known as the relationship. This would allow each of them to stay connected to who they are and share who they are with the other. Going Deeper If this is not seen as something that could happen, it will be necessary for them to reflect on why this is. By doing this, what they may find is that they don’t feel comfortable expressing who they are when they are close to someone and feel the need to hide themselves. Underneath this could be the fear of being abandoned and their life coming to an end. One way of looking at this would be to say that this is irrational and they just need to move through this fear. Back In Time Another way of looking at this would be to say that this likely to be a sign that they were unable to act like an individual during their early years. This may have been a time when they were treated like an extension of their caregiver/s and had to do what they wanted. If they expressed their needs or feelings, they probably would have been rejected and abandoned. What this would have done is conditioned them to believe that the only way that they would survive and not be isolated is if they lost themselves and became who another person wanted them to be. The Past is present This stage of their life is over now but a big part of their being will still be operating from this point in time. Along with the belief that they have to hide who they are to survive and be connected to others will be the emotional wounds that they carry. Their true self was rejected and they were abandoned but until they work through their emotional wounds, this will be seen as something that will happen as opposed to something that has already happened. Ultimately, they were not given the love and support that they needed to be able to grow and develop properly. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Due to what has been taking place in recent years, it has meant that a lot of people have been starved of human contact. However, there are those who were in this position before all this was going on.
For someone like this, spending time alone and away from others will just be what is normal. This is not to say that this will have made this period any easier, though; it's just that it won't have been a massive shock to their system. A Bleak Existence By living in this way, there are likely to be moments when they imagine what it would be like to have close connections with others and to even be in an intimate relationship. Even so, this could be seen as something that is out of their control. The reason for this is that may they have spent a lot of time trying to get close to others, but only got very far. This whole area of their life could make them feel totally powerless and helpless. Oblivious At other times, they could forget all about this need, being completely consumed in different tasks. There is the chance that they will spend a lot of time in their head and very little in their body. This is likely to be something that automatically takes place as opposed to something that they choose to do. As to why they can forget all about this need when they are in their head it's because their need to connect with others is likely to be found in their body. Two Experiences Taking this into account, then, one can have moments when they are aware of this need and feel unable to fulfil it and other moments when it disappears, allowing them to focus on other things. But, even if they are able to forget about this need, there will be moments when the pain of not getting it met will enter their awareness. During this time, they could feel emotionally malnourished and desperate for human connection. They could have moments when they feel depressed and other moments when they feel edgy and need to be held. An Inadequate Replacement This need to connect could mean that they have engaged in casual encounters, with this being seen as their only option. This would have allowed them to get close to a fellow human being but it is unlikely to have been very fulfilling. They may have felt great whilst it was taking place and, shortly after, felt the complete opposite. As they will have gone from one extreme to another, it is to be expected that they would have felt bad. One View If they were to step back and this might not be difficult as their intellect could be well-developed, they may come to the conclusion that someone or something "out there" is holding them back. This could be seen as to why they are unable to get close to others and to fulfil their need for human contact. Sadly, if they do come to this conclusion, they won't be able to do anything to change their life; they will simply have to wait and hope that something changes. This is likely to just make them feel even worse. Another Experience Then again, they may have been able to get close to a least one person, with this being a time when they soon felt extremely uncomfortable. They will then have achieved their desired outcome but they will have wanted it to end. What this will have allowed them to realise is that behind their need to experience human contact is an even greater fear of it. Instead of this being something that feels right, it will be something that feels wrong. A Strange Scenario If the need for human contact is part of being human and an essential part of what will allow them to survive, let alone thrive, why would they be this way? To understand why this is, it will be necessary to look into what may have taken place during their early years. This is likely to have been a time when they didn't receive the nurturance that they needed in order to be able to grow and develop in the right way. This would have left them in a deeply traumatised state. A Closer Look At this stage of their life, they may have often been neglected and not developed a strong connection with their primary caregiver as a result. Through regularly being left and not receiving the attunement that they needed, they would have often felt overwhelmed. The outcome of this is that they would have ended up in a shutdown, frozen state, which would have prevented them from being able to attach and bond with their caregiver or anyone else for that matter and their ability to receive will have been greatly undermined. Furthermore, this stage of their life would have stopped them from developing a felt sense of safety and security and a strong connection to their own body. Stuck In The Past These early experiences would have pushed their nervous system to the limit and all their energy would have been focused on surviving, not growing and expanding. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, yet a big part of them won't have moved on. This part of them will still see human contact as something that will overwhelm them and cause them to die. It will be experienced as a violation, not something that is good for them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone will be an individual, with their own needs and feelings, when they are around others they could have the tendency to lose touch with these inner aspects. As a result of this, they will act more like an extension of others.
Instead of expressing who they are, then, their true self, they will end up becoming someone else. This may mean that they will typically play the same role when they are around others. One Experience When they are around others, they could be easy-going, cheerful and only too happy to take care of their needs. If they are this way, it is not going to be a surprise if they have a lot of friends. One will have a lot to give and they won’t expect much in return, making them the ideal person to have around. To those who like being the centre of attention, one will be the perfect person to have around. Together Alone However, regardless of how many friends one has, or even if they are in a relationship, they are unlikely to feel deeply connected to any of these people. Being with others will stop them from being all alone but it won’t be possible for them to experience a deeper connection. In order for them to have this experience, they will need to be in touch with themselves and to reveal who they are when they are in another person’s company. When this takes place, they will be able to feel seen and heard. The Only Way As things stand, one might need to be by themselves to be connected to their needs and feelings. They are then going to be alone but at least they will be in touch with themselves. This could be how they have been for as long as they can remember and they could struggle to understand why they are like this. They could be desperate to reveal who they are around others and no longer hide. One Big Act Playing a role when they are around others won’t allow them to receive the nutrients that they need to feel alive. They will receive a fair amount of acceptance and approval but this won’t do much for them. It will just momentarily take the edge off the loneliness that they feel, only for this sense of loneliness to return when they are by themselves. Also, the acceptance and approval that they do receive won’t be for who they truly are; it will just be for the role that they play. No choice At this point in time, one could believe that they have no control over what is going on and just have to put up with how things are. If this is the case, they are likely to believe that their life will only change if other people change. What is going on “out there” will need to shift or else their life will always be the same. If they have this outlook, they will be nothing more than a powerless victim and they will just have to tolerate what is going on. It Feels Comfortable While it may seem as though one has no control over what is taking place, this is not so. Behaving in this way is not serving them but, at a deeper level, this is going to be what feels safe. Until they feel safe enough to reveal who they are around others, their life is unlikely to change. The big question is: why would they only feel safe when they are hiding? A Deeper Look What this is likely to show is that they were only “loved” during their childhood years when they did what their caregivers wanted. If they didn’t do what they wanted, they probably emotionally pulled away from them and perhaps abandoned them. At this stage of their life, as they were emotionally dependent on their caregivers, they needed them to survive. Without their love and presence, they would have emotionally suffered. No Choice During this time, one was left with two options: either they lost touch with themselves and pleased their caregivers or they stayed connected to themselves and ended up being isolated. Due to how underdeveloped they were, they would have generally been forced to choose the former. When they were loved, it wouldn’t have been real love; it would have been based on them playing a role. And, no matter how much effort they put into being who their caregivers wanted, there would have been times when they were left. The Past Is Present What took place will be well and truly over but their body will carry the emotional pain that they experienced all those years ago and their mind will carry the meaning that was made. Thanks to this, revealing who they are around others and asserting themselves, will be seen as something that will cause them to be unloved, isolated from others and for their life to come to an end. For their life to change, they will need to question what they believe and to work through their emotional pain. By doing this, they will gradually feel safe enough to express who they are around others and, consequently, to feel connected to them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although one will have the need to form close connections with others, it won’t have been possible for them to do so. Thus, the need will then be there but they won’t have been able to fulfil it.
What they could find is that their life has been this way for as long as they can remember. And, as they are an interdependent human being, this is likely to mean that have suffered greatly and continue to so. A Frustrating Existence Over the years, they may have been with a number of people who were emotionally unavailable. If so, they will have been in a number of relationships but they won’t be able to fully connect to these people. It could be as if they are very good at attracting people who are not ready for a relationship. As a result of this, one could see themselves as being unlucky and even have moments when they feel like a victim. A Different Experience Then again, they might have been able to get this far and might not have ever had a relationship. This could make them wonder if there is something inherently wrong with them. For their life to change, they could believe that they will need to move to a different country or need a miracle. What is going on just won’t make any sense and they could be desperate for their life to change. A Heavy Weight Due to what is taking place in this area of their life, they may find that just about every other area of their life suffers. It would be easy to say that they just need to learn to let go and yet, this would overlook how important this area of their life is. Also, as this area of their life has been this way for so long, it is naturally going to have a big impact on them. Not only will an important need be overlooked but there will be the effect this has on how they feel about themselves and their life. The Reason Now, if they were to reach out for external support, they could end up being told that they need to work on their self-worth. By not believing that they deserve to have a fulfilling relationship, then, they are sabotaging this area of their life. Through working on this part of them, it won’t be long until they are able to finally experience what they deserve to experience. They will have been through enough, so now it will be time for their life to change. The Same Old Story After working on their self-worth and level of deserving, they may find that, compared with how long they have been waiting, it isn’t long until their life changes. Conversely, they may find that this doesn’t have much of an effect. Or, if their life does change, they could soon find that they actually feel uncomfortable getting close to another. Dealing with one issue will then have brought them into contact with another. Total Confusion If this is what takes place, they could struggle to understand why they would feel unconformable with something that they have wanted for so long. Furthermore, as this need is part of the human experience, there is no reason why they should feel this way; getting close to another should be what feels comfortable. Their conscious mind won’t understand what is going on and this could show that their mind has blocked out the information that would shed light on why they are this way. Most likely, there was a point in time when they were deeply traumatised and their mind has blocked this out to protect them. Back In Time This could relate to what took place during their early years, with this being a time when they were abused and/or they may have been neglected at an earlier period. Throughout his stage of their life, they would have routinely felt overwhelmed. Their brain and nervous system would have been in an undeveloped state and unable to handle what was taking place. Therefore, to survive, they would have had to disconnect from themselves and live in a dissociated state. The Foundations Were Laid If they were physically harmed, they would have felt as though they were going to die, and/ or, if they were neglected very early on, when they were given attention, the attention that they did receive might not have been appropriate, which would have caused them to feel smothered and as though they were going to die. Whether one of or both of these things took place, their boundaries wouldn’t have been respected. In order to protect them, their ego-mind would have come to associate getting close to others and human contact as something that would cause them to be annihilated. These experiences would have been generalised, with every human being being seen in the same way. The Fall Out Cleary, the associations that were formed all those years ago will no longer be serving them. At the time, they would have made it easier for them to handle what was going on by keeping their distance from others and not being emotionally present. What took place will be over but a big part of them won’t realise that this stage of their life is now over. To this part of them, their life will be the same and they will need to keep people at bay to stay alive. Awareness If one can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Do Relationships Allow Someone To Come Into Contact With Their Repressed Emotions?14/5/2021
One way for someone to look at relationships would be to see them as a vehicle that will allow them to become more whole and complete. The reason for this is that when they are with another person, some of the material that is held in their unconscious mind will be brought to the surface.
Some of this material will relate to what they have experienced during their adult years, yet most of it will relate to what they experienced during their formative years. The key, then, when it comes to being able to work through this material, will be for them to realise what is going on. For Example So, at the beginning of a new relationship, someone can find that they feel good around the other person, but as time passes, this starts to change. Or, they could find that they experience “negative” feelings very early on. Now, how they feel might have very little to do with what is going on externally or it might match up with what is going on. If it does match up with what is going on, it be said that material from their unconscious mind won’t have been unlocked. Two Parts This could be the case; then again, what was held in their unconscious mind may still have played a part in what took place. What this comes down to is that in addition to what is already inside them being triggered by situations, what is inside them will co-create situations where this will take place. What this illustrates is that one is not merely a passive observer of what is going on “out there”; they are a co-creator of their reality. Nonetheless, most of what shows up externally is coming from their unconscious mind. The Illusion Their ego-mind, along with their eyes, will create the impression that they are separate from what is going on externally and that everything is separate. By seeing themselves as separate and not being aware of the fact that they have an unconscious mind or the impact that this has on their life, it will be normal for them to see another person as the cause of what is going on. However, with this understanding in place, they will be able to see what is taking place in a relationship as feedback. This will stop them from seeing themselves as a victim or as being “unlucky”. Trapped If, on the other hand, one was not aware of what was going on and they were caught up in their ego-minds sense of separation, it would be normal for them to feel like a victim. What is going on “out there” would be the clear problem and there might not be much that they could do about it. They would probably see themselves as being “unlucky” or on the receiving end of “bad karma”. As it won’t occur to them that they need to deal with anything, let alone actually deal with anything, they can go from one bad relationship to another – endlessly recycling the same experience. Mainstream Society Still, if someone is this way, it could be said that they will just be a product of society. The society that they live in is likely to be a manifestation of ego-consciousness and thus, it will be built on the illusion of separation and the citizenry will be nothing more than observers of what is going on around them. There will be those who are victims, those who are perpetrators and those who are there to save others. Naturally, this way of viewing the world doesn’t lay the foundations for an empowered population. The Big Question Anyway, when one understands that what is going on in their relationships is purely feedback, it will give them the opportunity to look into what it is that they need to resolve. Their life, the mirror, will be reflecting back what is taking place in their own consciousness. What they will need to keep in mind is that as most of what is showing up is coming from their unconscious mind, there is no need for them to shame or blame themselves. Not only won’t they have consciously chosen to experience what is going on but laying into themselves will be a waste of their precious energy. Core Wounds Most, if not all, of the “negative” feelings that are unlocked through a relationship, are likely to go back to the experiences that they had with their mother and father. Their unconscious mind will see another person as either their mother or father or a combination of both, via the defence mechanism known as transference. By consciously seeing what is going, they will be able to take their attention away from their external world and to bring it down into themselves. The defences that they have in place can make it hard for them to connect to the wounded parts of themselves that need to be acknowledged. Awareness If one can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. By getting out of their mind and into their body, they will be able to connect to their inner child. This part of them or parts, as there is more than one, will want to be seen and heard.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Do Relationships Allow Someone To Come Into Contact With Their Unconscious Mind?28/4/2021
Human beings have both a conscious and an unconscious mind; however, the latter is largely overlooked. Not only does mainstream society ignore this mind but a lot of people in the helping professions, those who are doing what they can to help peoples “mental health”, also do the same thing.
Although this is not much of a surprise when it comes to society, considering how extroverted it generally is and self-awareness is not encouraged, it could be seen as being a surprise when so many experts are the same. At the same time, a society that very much lives on the surface is naturally going to produce both therapies that lack depth and people that are happy to practice them. Two Parts When it comes to someone’s unconscious mind, this part of them will contain their “negative” feelings and the parts of themselves that they deem as being bad, among other things. By having these aspects held in this part of their being, their conscious mind will rarely, if ever, have to come into contact with them. So, in the same way, that someone can put the items that they don’t like up in their attic and then forget all about them, the same thing will take place internally. Their inner attic, then, will allow them to remove the parts of themselves that they don't like and then to forget that they have removed these parts. A Vital Job Undoubtedly, if one didn’t have this ability and they had to literally bathe in their inner pain, they would soon end up being wiped out. With this in mind, having the ability to remove pain from their conscious awareness is essential. Nonetheless, while their conscious mind will lose touch with feelings and parts of themselves that are problematic, this inner material won’t simply be stored away like items in an attic and not bother them. No, this inner material will, from behind the scenes, be pulling the strings of their life. One Part What is held in their unconscious mind will have a big effect on what they are resonating or the vibration they are giving off. They, like everyone and everything on this planet, are made up of vibrating energy, and, in order for them to experience something, they will need to be vibrating at the right frequency. This is not the law of attraction; this is the law of resonance, which is a quantum physics law. Therefore, someone can have all the right thoughts and feelings in their conscious mind but if their unconscious mind is filled with junk, they might not get very far. Another Part Along with this, and this is due to parts of them being an energetic match, they will come into contact with people who embody the parts of themselves that they have lost touch with. There will also be moments when one will project parts of themselves into people who don't actually possess what they see in them. Nonetheless, as their mind will be completely convinced by what their five senses tell them, they won’t be able to realise what is going on. If they were told that what they see is a reflection of their own consciousness, it would probably be the equivalent of trying to convince them that the moon is made of cheese. A Long List If they were able to take a step back and reflect on their relationships, they may see that they continually come into contact with the same type of people. When it comes to what irritates them about others, a number of things could come to mind. For example, they could find that they often end up with people who are selfish, have anger problems and have a strong need for attention. One could see these people are being the complete opposite of them. The Mirror Now, if they were to pretend that these are not separate beings but are, instead, an expression of the part of themselves that they are estranged from, it would give them the opportunity to do what they need to do to gradually integrate their “shadow side”. By seeing their relationships in a more symbolic manner, they will no longer need to be caught up in what is going on. And by looking into what parts of themselves they need to bring to the light of their own consciousness and to acknowledge, they can start to transmute their “negative” aspects. The parts of themselves that are seen as being bad can then change expression and this energy can be used creatively and to enhance their life. Self-Love This is not about one laying into themselves; it is a time for them to be kind and compassionate towards themselves. The truth is that they didn’t repress these parts of themselves because they are weak, bad or incapable; they did it because it was too painful for them to face them. Furthermore, when they get in touch with the parts of themselves that they see as being bad and shameful, it will be important for them to keep in mind that this is just their dual ego-mind making a judgment. Ultimately, what is taking place inside them just is - it is neither good nor bad. Awareness If one finds it hard to do this work by themselves, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone may want to form deeper connections with others and to even have an intimate relationship, this might not have been possible. When it comes to the former, they may have only been able to get so close to people, and, when it comes to the latter, it might not be any better.
If they were to think about what is going on, they could end up feeling helpless and hopeless. What is taking place can then be seen as something that is totally out of their control, which can mean that they will end up feeling down and even depressed. The Right Things This is not to say that, up until this point, they will have simply sat around and hoped that their life would change, though. For a number of years, they may have put in a lot of effort to change this area of their life. However, while they will have done a lot, they won’t have been able to get very far. In fact, what they may see is that all this effort has just caused them to feel even more frustrated and angry. Another Scenario Conversely, one may have found that they have been able to get close to others but, when this happens, they don’t feel comfortable. Instead of feeling happy about being closer to another, they feel the need to back away. This could be something that baffles them and will have most likely prevented them from being able to move forward in this area of their life. They could believe that there is no reason why they should feel this way around others. The Same Position If someone is tying to get close to others and they haven’t had the aforementioned experience, it might only be a matter of time until they do. It could just be that they haven’t got to this point yet. Before long, then, they could find that they also feel uncomfortable experiencing the very thing that they desire. Therefore, as opposed to saying that these are two experiences, it might be more accurate to say that they are simply two different stages that one will go through. A Cold Existence When someone doesn’t feel comfortable getting close to others, they are likely to spend a fair amount of time feeling lonely. This can be a time when they will feel disconnected from everyone and everything. If they don’t feel this way, it could show that they have simply disconnected from their feelings/body. They can feel numb during this time but, before long, they could consume something, for instance, artificially changing their mood and temporarily bringing themselves to life in the process. Something Isn’t Right Now, as they are an interdependent human being and need others, it could be said that it is strange that they have the need to keep people at a distance. What should feel comfortable if being close to the right people - people who they feel safe with, have similar values and value, for example. As a result of this, one could believe that there must be something inherently wrong with them or they wouldn’t have this problem. What could come to mind at this point is that they have a ‘fear of intimacy’ and even a fear of people Diving Down If they do come to this conclusion, their conditioned mind could believe that both of these fears are irrational and that they just need to push themselves. These labels may fit but, at the end of the day, they are simply labels – labels that can be a starting point to looking deeper and gaining more self-knowledge or something that can prevent this from taking place. What needs to be looked into is why one wouldn’t feel comfortable with being close to others; something that is a vital part of their ability to survive and thrive. There is a strong chance that something happened to them at the beginning of their life and their conscious mind has forgotten all about this. Way Back During their formative years, they may have been abused and/or neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Said another way, this would have a period of their life when they were routinely violated. As they were boundary-less and unable to defend themselves, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. The only thing that they could do was to disconnect from themselves and, thereby, to no longer be aware of what was taking place. The Foundations Were Laid In addition to this, their mind would have formed a number of associations to keep them alive. One can be that other people are a threat to their survival and another can be that they need to keep them at a distance to survive. The years would have passed but their whole being will be loaded up with trauma and it won’t want them to get close to anyone. It won’t matter that this stage of their life is over or that not everyone is the same as a big part of them will be stuck in the past and, consequently, will perceive life in the same way. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When someone is in touch with their emotional self around others, it will allow them to feel connected to them and to fully embrace the moment. Being this way will also allow them to develop deeper relationships with others.
So, whether it relates to a friend or an intimate partner, one will be able to feel deeply connected to them and to express how they feel. Expressing their feelings will play an important part in the other person not only feeling close to them but also knowing where they stand. An Essential Ability What this illustrates is just how important it is for someone to be in touch with how they feel around others and to express what is going on for them. This will stop them from feeling disconnected from others and to experience the relational depth that they need in order to thrive. Ultimately, they, along with every other human being on this planet, are not independent; they are an interdependent human being who needs others. Even so, it could be said that the modern-day world obscures this truth. A Different Experience However, while having this connection around others is essential, someone may find that this is not something that they can relate to. Instead, what they could typically find is that they lose touch with their emotional self around others. As a result of this, they won’t feel connected to them and they certainly won’t know how they feel, let alone be able to express how they feel. If they do have close friends, they might not feel very close to these people. Another Area The connection that they have with them could primarily be an intellectual connection and/or they could just have known these people for a long time. It is then going to be ideas and/or their history that keeps them together. If they have an intimate partner, they are unlikely to feel very close to them and this person might wonder where they stand with them. This person won’t have ones emotional expression and feedback with which to form conclusions. A Strange Scenario When they are in their own company, they may find that they are able to connect to how they feel. This is not to say that they will necessarily go from one extreme to the other, it could just be that they won’t be completely shut down. After thinking about what they are like when they are by themselves and what they are generally like around others, they could struggle to understand what is going on. This could appear to be something that just happens and therefore, there is nothing that they can do about it. Two Levels What needs to be acknowledged at this point is that one has both a conscious and an unconscious mind. Thus, if they don’t understand why something is taking place, they will need to connect to their second, more powerful mind. Through doing this, they will be able to understand why they have the tendency to shut down when they are around others. Having said this, thanks to the differences defences and armouring that they are likely to have in place, it is unlikely that they will be able to do this directly. An Indirect Approach To understand what is taking place inside them, they will need to look for answers in the external world. The information ‘out there’ will help to shine the light on why their life is the way that it is. What they may find, by taking this approach, is that the reason they lose touch with their emotional self around others is that they don’t feel safe. Disconnecting from their body and going into their head will be a way for them to protect themselves. The Imprint At a conscious level, they might find it strange that this takes place; as far as they are concerned, there could be no need for them to behave in this way. Nonetheless, at a deeper level, getting close to others could be associated as something that is a threat to their very survival. What this may show is that they were abused and/or neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis during their early years. This would have been a time when their survival was under threat whenever their parents were around. The Foundations Were Laid At this stage of their life, they wouldn’t have been able to fight back or to run away, they would have only been able to disconnect from themselves. This wouldn’t have allowed them to stop what was taking place but it would have allowed them to no longer be aware of what was taking place. Along with this, they would have come to associate getting close to their caregivers as something that would cause them to be overwhelmed and annihilated. What happened in relation to these people would then have been generalised to every other person. The Body Remembers Their mind wouldn’t have been developed enough to see that not everyone was the same and that they could be in their body and connect to how they feel around certain people. Also, due to how much trauma they experienced, it would have been too painful for them to be in their body and connected to how they feel. The years would have passed and their conscious mind would have forgotten all about what took place. Yet, although this part of them lost touch with what took place, their unconscious mind/body won’t have forgotten. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are some people who typically come across as weak, powerless and incapable, and then there are those who typically come across as strong, powerful and capable. The former can look towards the latter to save them, and the latter can do what they can to save the former.
This dynamic is often played out on the world stage too, with world leaders seeing themselves as people who need to save their own citizens and the citizens of the world. The former will be all-powerful and the latter will be totally helpless. Back To the Individual So, when someone comes across as strong, powerful and capable, a lot of their time can be spent trying to sort other people’s problems out. Most, if not, all of their friends can be people who find it hard to handle life. Fortunately for these people, then, they will have someone in their life who can help them to handle their problems. They could be extremely grateful that they have someone like this in their life. Two Experiences However, this doesn’t mean that having someone like this in their life won’t rub them up the wrong way, so to speak, from time to time. At times, these people could find that one crosses their boundaries and tries to do too much. In other words, they will be moments when they are more like a parent than a friend or a family member, for instance, and this may mean that part of them resents them. Still, they could do their best to keep this hidden from this person and themselves. Out of Balance As one spends a lot of time being there for others in this way, it could mean that at least one area of their life is not going very well. Even so, they could do what they can to make sure that they are not affected by it. They will generally be seen as someone who is strong and this will be the image that they will do their best to project. It could seem as though they are inherently different and that they were born to take care of those who can’t take care of themselves. Bathing in Approval Now, while one is likely to neglect at least one area of their life and to experience pain as a result, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Thanks to all the positive feedback that they are likely to receive, they may be able to stop themselves from acknowledging what is actually going on. What is going on around them can stop them from becoming aware of what needs to be faced, thereby allowing them to behave in the same way. There could come a point in time, though, when it is no longer possible for them to do this. Caught Up It could be a number of years before this takes place and they may need to go through a breakup or a loss to change their behaviour. Until this point, there can be no reason for them to take a step back and to reflect on their behaviour. Currently, they will be too caught up in what’s going one externally and receive too much approval to do this. This is why something extreme may need to happen to shake them up. A Bystander If it was put forward to them that the person who they really need to save is themselves, it might not have much of an effect on them. They could say there is nothing wrong with them and that it’s other people who need to be saved. What this is likely to illustrate is that they see themselves as just an observer of what is going on ‘out there’, which is why what is going around them won’t have much to do with them. They will just happen to come into contact with people who need to be saved and this can be seen as a consequence of how capable they are. On A Mission If they are religious or spiritual, they could even believe that these people are sent to them so that they can help them. One will have a special purpose, one that involves them being here to help those who can’t help themselves. Nonetheless, if this is put to one side and one was to reflect on the fact that they are not merely an observer of what is going on ‘out there’, it will give them the chance to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on. This will be a time when they will need to put the identities that their mind has created to one side; if they don’t, they will be held back. Going Deeper If they were to go deep within themselves, they may find that trying to save/rescue others is an indirect way for them to try to save themselves. These people will be a reflection of the wounded parts of themselves that they have pushed out of their conscious awareness. It is then not that they need to save these people; it is that they need to heal the wounded parts of themselves that have caused them to co-create this experience. Therefore, what is going on ‘out there’ will be mirroring back what is going on within them. Awareness What this emphasises is that one is not merely an observer of their reality; they are both the co-creator and the observer of their life. Once this understating is in place, one will see that if they develop a certain identity their life will have to reflect this identity. Subsequently, if they see themselves as someone who is here to rescue/save others that will be their experience. A key point here is that their life is not just a reflection of what is taking place in their conscious mind; it is also a reflection of what is taking place in their unconscious mind.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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