Child Abuse: Can An Abusive Parent Lack The Capacity To Acknowledge That They Were Abusive?1/12/2025
If someone’s early years were not very functional, they may have a need to talk to their parent about what happened. They can hope that by doing this, this parent will not only listen to what they have to say but will also show remorse.
So, they can call their parent or go and see them; it can depend on how close they live to them. If they live fairly close to them, they can still call or message them to arrange a day and time to see them. One Scenario When they are with them, they can talk about other things and over time, they can get to the main reason why they have paid them a visit. They can then mention one thing or a few things that happened to them, and the damage that it did to them. After this, they can ask them why they behaved in this way and if they actually wanted or loved them as a child. During this time, they can become very emotional, and they might even cry. One Response Anyway, after hearing this, their parent could also become very emotional and end up being very sorry for what they put them through. Their parent could make it clear that they didn’t deserve to be treated in this way and that, although they wanted and loved them, they were unable to fully show it. They might say that they didn’t know how to love them and that they were not in good way during this time. One thing they could also mention is that they were not treated very well as a child and ended up passing on a lot of what was done to them. Taking Responsibility If they respond in this way, or a way that is similar, they can be greatly relieved. Of course, this won’t change what they went through, but it will provide them with the acknowledgement and support that they desire. This will make their life easier than it would have been if the opposite had taken place. Along with the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance, they can gradually change how they experience life. Another Scenario Conversely, after speaking to their parent about some of the things that they experienced, their parent can end up denying what they have said and make out that they are making it all up. Or, they could say that they often had to be disciplined as a child because they misbehaved so much. Irrespective of how they respond, they won’t show any warmth or express remorse for how they treated them. In many ways, this experience can be a continuation of how it was for them as a child. The Same Story Throughout their childhood, being ignored, rejected, invalidated and abandoned might have been the norm. If so, how their parent is responding now that they are an adult won’t be anything new. If they have had this experience, they can go away feeling angry, frustrated, helpless and hopeless. Part of them might even believe that this is how they deserve to be treated, as they are bad and worthless. The Truth If their mind does have this view, what they will need to also keep in mind is that this will be a consequence of how they were treated as a child. This would have been a stage of their life when they were egocentric, and thus, would have personalised how they were treated. In other words, they wouldn’t have been able to see that how they were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability; it was simply a reflection of their parents' inability to love them. If it weren't for this, they would have been treated differently It’s Futile After they have settled down, they might believe that if they express themselves differently, their parent will be different. But, even if they were to try another or a few different approaches, or even hundreds of approaches, they are unlikely to experience a different outcome. Assuming that they are unable to make any headway, no matter what they say or how they say it, they can wonder what is going on. What this can show is that, due to how their parent has adapted over the years, it is not possible for them to behave any differently. A Closer Look Most likely, their parent were also greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. For them to handle what happened, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. They would then have stayed in an emotionally underdeveloped state and lost touch with their ability to attune to their own and other people’s feelings. Self-Protection They are then not going to be able to attune to them due to how they had to adapt to survive their own traumatic childhood. And, if they were to gain access to their emotional self and were able to empathise with them and show remorse, they would be overwhelmed by their own pain that had been repressed since they were a child. Ultimately, their brain and nervous system will have been wired in a way that ensures that the needs that were not met during their formative years and the pain that this caused them stay outside of their conscious awareness. With this in mind, they are not merely choosing to not be there for them; their system won’t allow them to be there for them. Awareness If someone is in this position, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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