Child Abuse: Can Someone Be Unable To Freely Express Themselves If They Were Abused As A Child?

What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they generally act as though they are an extension of others. Due to this, they will typically be focused on other people’s needs and do what they can to meet them.

It is then going to be normal for them to overlook a number of their own needs and neglect their own life. They can find that this is something that largely takes place automatically and without them needing to think about it.

An Unfulfilling Existence

However, even though this will be what is normal, they can be at the point where they have had enough of living in this way. Along with no longer having the desire to behave in this way, they might also no longer have the energy.

Still, it might not be possible for them to just change their behaviour. So, they can find that they still have a strong need to do what they can to focus on and please others.

An Activity

For them to gain a deeper understanding of why they have this need, they can use their imagination. They can imagine that they are in tune with their own needs and do what they can to meet them.

This will mean that they are not acting as if they are an extension of others and their purpose is to please them. At first, they can feel greatly relieved, with them experiencing a sense of freedom and empowerment.

The Next Phase

It might not be long until their inner state changes, though, with them feeling anxious and fearful. Consequently, they can have the need to go back to how they were before, which will allow them to settle down.

At this point, they can wonder why a big part of them feels comfortable when they turn their back on themselves. Due to what takes place, part of them can believe that they are here to meet other people’s needs.

What’s going on?

One way of looking at this would be to say that what is going on for them is irrational, as they don’t need to please others in order to survive. For their life to change, then, they will need to question what they believe and the thoughts that they have.

Another way of looking at this would be to say that, as irrational as this will be, there was a time in their life when it was the truth and, as a big part of them can’t accept that this stage of their life is over; they are projecting their past onto their present. What this can show is that their early years were anything but nurturing.

Back In Time

Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Furthermore, one or both of them might have been verbally and physically abusive.

This would have meant that they missed out on the attunement and care that they needed, and they would have been undermined. A stage of their life, then, when they needed to receive the right nutrients to grow and develop in the right way, would have been a time when they had to focus on surviving.

One Focus

Along with their brain repressing how they felt and a number of their needs to allow them to keep it together and function, they would have lost touch with their connected, true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. By abandoning themselves and focusing on their mother and/or father, they would have lived in the hope that they wouldn’t be left or harmed.

They would have also hoped that this would allow them to be seen and heard, and cared for. But, while this may have minimised the harm that was done to them, it wouldn’t have allowed them to receive the love that they needed.

A Futile Struggle

The reason for this is that their mother and perhaps their father had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. They were then in a position to give them the love that they needed.

They could then give them what they needed to survive but they couldn’t give them what they needed to be able to thrive. But, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, they would have personalised what took place.

A Big Impact

They would have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable, and that their needs and feelings were bad. Additionally, they would have come to believe that if they didn’t focus on others, their life would come to an end.

This stage of their life is over, but as a result of what they believe and the unresolved trauma that they are carrying, a big part of them won’t realise this. To this part of them, this stage of their life won’t be over, and it will be essential for them to behave in the same way to ensure their survival.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for them to feel safe enough to freely express themselves and be supported in doing so, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk