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Over the years, someone may have found it hard to get close to others. Or if this does take place, it might not have been long before the level of closeness that they experienced came to an end. As a result, they can spend a lot of time feeling lonely, or they can spend a lot of time feeling lonely and experience a lot of loss. But, as they are an interdependent human being who has certain needs that they can’t meet by themselves, it is to be expected that they would suffer by living in this way. The Second Position If they can relate to the latter, when their time with another person has come to an end, it could be because they left them for someone else. They would then have been with them for a number of weeks or months, and that would have been it. Alternatively, the other person might have become very critical and pulled away as time passed, causing them to end the relationship. This would have been a relationship that wasn’t serving them. A Frustrating Existence Either way, thanks to their inability to experience intimacy for a sustained period of time, that’s if they have been able to do so, they can feel pretty helpless and hopeless. What can enter their mind is that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. They can then believe that the only way that this area of their life will change is if something ‘out there’ changes. But as what they want to experience is radically different to what they experience, this is understandable. Another Angle However, what if what is going on externally is not the issue, and what is going on for them internally is? Hearing this could cause them to experience a strong reaction, with them feeling angry and a though they are being blamed. If they do react in this manner, what they will need to keep in mind is that they don’t begin and end with their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves. Along with this part of them, there is their unconscious mind or body. Two Parts The other part of them can have the need to make sure that other people don’t get close to them physically and emotionally. If this is the case, part of them will be saying yes to intimacy, but a bigger and stronger part of them will be saying no. It will then seem as though the reason they are unable to get close to someone, or are unable to do so for long, is due to what is going on externally, but this will be an illusion. At this stage, they can wonder why this other part of them is saying no to human closeness. A Closer Look What this can show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when one or both of their parents regularly hurt them. If it were one parent, this parent might have often put them down, rejected them and physically harmed them. Instead of receiving the attunement, care, support, affection and protection that they needed to grow and develop in the right way, they would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle being violated at a stage of their life when they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have had to lose touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. The outcome Over time, they would have developed a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. Along with this, as they were egocentric, they would have come to see their needs and feelings as bad, seen themselves as worthless and unlovable, and associated human contact with being annihilated. In reality, their parent had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. Thus, their parents' behaviour had nothing to do with them; it was a reflection of how wounded they were. It’s Over This stage of their life is then over, but a big part of them won’t realise this. To this part of them, if they let another person get physically and emotionally close to them, they will end up being violated again, and their life will end. This part is then not keeping or pushing people away to harm them; it is doing it to protect them. What this shows is that this part doesn’t know that this stage of their life is over, and is continuing to see their life as it was, not as it is. Moving Forward For them to gradually change this area of their life, there will be a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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