Child Abuse: Can Someone Fear Intimacy If They Had An Intrusive Parent?

Although someone will want to experience deeper connections with others, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to do so. So, they could find that other people are out of reach and they are unable to get close to them.

As a result, they might not have any close friends and they might not have ever been in a romantic relationship. It can then be normal for them to feel frustrated and angry, and lonely and down.

Cut-off

They might believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back or that there is something inherently wrong with them. If they are on board with the former, they will have to wait until their life changes.

And, if they are on board with the latter, there will be very little that they can do about what is going on. Either way, they are not going to be in a position where they believe that they have much control over this area of their life.

Another Scenario

However, if they were to develop a close friendship or start a romantic relationship, they might soon become aware of why their life is this way. The reason for this is that they can end up feeling trapped and have the need to get away from the other person.

If they were to create emotional as well as physical distance from them, they can find that they start to settle down again. They can feel greatly relieved and not want to experience the level of closeness that they had.

A Strange Scenario

Assuming that this was to take place and they were to reflect on what happened, they could wonder why they felt and behaved in this way. What might enter their mind is that the other person was doing something that was destructive.

If, then, they hadn’t gotten away from them and perhaps ended their friendship or relationship, they would have ended up being taken advantage of and harmed. This will show that they have done the right thing.

Another Angle

At the same time, they might see that the other person wasn’t doing anything destructive.  In this case, they can come to the conclusion that there was no reason for them to behave in this way.

After this, they could not only believe that how they behaved was irrational but they could criticise themselves. The outcome of this is that they could feel worthless, helpless and hopeless.

A Closer Look

Nonetheless, while their behaviour can be seen as being irrational now, if they were to reflect on their early years, it might make sense. This may have been a stage of their life when one or both of their parents didn’t treat them as though they were a valuable and lovable being who had their own needs and feelings and life to lead.

Instead, they might have typically treated them as though they were an object who was there to meet their needs. If this was the case, it would have been normal for them to be used, mistreated and hurt.

Totally Defenceless

The trouble is that as they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to defend themselves, change their parent/or parents or find another family. Their only option would have been to disconnect from themselves.

This would have also involved them going into an emotionally shut down state and perhaps freezing up. They would then have been connected to their body and thus, their true self, at one point but had to lose touch with it at another.

A Brutal Time

So, as they were unable to leave a dysfunctional environment, they had to lose touch with their emotional self and mentally detach from themselves. This is what allowed them to ensure their own survival.

If this hadn’t taken place, they probably would have been overwhelmed with pain and their life would have come to an end. Along with the harm that was done to them and how they had to adapt to being deprived of the attunement and love that they needed, would have been the associations that they formed.

The Other Part

These associations, associations that would have impacted them not just at a mental level but at an emotional and physical level, will relate to human contact being a threat to their sense of self and survival. Thanks to this, for them to maintain their sense of self and not die, they will need to keep people at bay both physically and emotionally.

At this stage of their life, these associations would have protected them, but, now that they are no longer a powerless and defenceless child, they won’t be serving them. What they will do is stop them from being able to freely express themselves and deprive them of the emotional nutrients that they need.

Moving Forward

For them to be able to open up and let the right people into their life, they are likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk