Child Abuse: Can Someone Have A Dysfunctional View Of Relationships If They Were Abused As A Child?

Right now, someone could be in a relationship that is anything but nourishing and life-affirming. What can be normal is for them to ignore their own needs and do what they can to please their partner.

They can then typically go along with what they want and not speak up if they don’t agree with something. Thanks to this, they will give a lot but they probably won’t receive a great deal.

Another Element

Along with this, their partner could be very critical and often humiliate them, and they might even get physical at times. When they are around them, then, regardless of if they do get physical; they are likely to find it hard to relax.

If so, they will probably be used to having their guard up and spend a lot of time on edge when they are around them. But, if they have been this way for a while, they might not realise how uptight they have become.

External Feedback

Compared with how they were before they were in a relationship, they could be a shadow of their former self. They won’t have much energy, enthusiasm or feel good about themselves.

This could be something that a friend or family member has noticed and spoken to them about on a number of occasions. However, if this has taken place, what they said might not have had much of an impact on them.

Another Scenario

Then again, after they have had a conversation like this, they might have questioned why their life is this way. Still, even if they have, they might have soon forgotten about this and carried on with their life.

A time could arrive, though, when they are not willing to live in this way any longer and it might not be long until they end the relationship. If this does take place, they could be greatly relieved that they have cut their ties with them but they could feel rejected and abandoned.


A Strange Experience

If they do, based on what is going on for them, it will be as if they were with someone who they really loved and this person was essential to their survival. In reality, they were with someone who wasn’t right for them and they don't need to be with them in order to survive.

They might find that this is not the first time that they have been in this position either. Over the years, they might have been in a number of relationships that were like this and felt the same each time that they came to an end.

What’s going on?

Assuming that they are in this position, there is a chance that this area of their life is a continuation of what it was like for them as a child. This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing.

Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one of both of their parents might have been verbally abusive and physically harmed them.

A Tough Time

With this in mind, a stage of their life when they needed to live in an environment where they felt safe and secure, were loved and had their value mirrored back to them, was a stage of their life when they felt unsafe and insecure, were not loved, and their value was not mirrored back to them. This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

They would have missed out on the emotional nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what took place, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs.

Another part

Moreover, their underdeveloped brain would have formed a number of beliefs. These beliefs will be related to their value, how lovable they are and what relationships are like.  

When it comes to the former, they can believe that they are worthless and unlovable. And, when it comes to the latter, they can believe that they have to please others, hide their needs and put up with bad behaviour when they are in a relationship.

Developmentally Stunted

Also, as they didn’t receive what they needed to grow and develop in the right way, they wouldn’t have moved out of the dependent state that they were born in. This is why, when they are in a relationship, a big part of them will see the other person as their parent and, thus, essential to their survival.

It is for this reason that they will believe that they need to please the person they are in a relationship with to avoid being rejected and abandoned and their life coming to an end. But, while their survival would have depended on their parent or parents, it wouldn’t depend on the person they are in a relationship with.

Moving Forward

Considering this, for them to change this area of their life, realise that they are worthy and lovable, and emotionally grow up; they will have a lot of inner work to do. There will be beliefs for them to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper