Child Abuse: Why Won’t A Narcissistic Parent Acknowledge That They Were Abusive?

If someone was abused as a child, they may have the need to speak to the parent or parents who abused them. They can hope that this will be a time when what they say will be validated and they will be supported.

However, while this is what may happen, it might also be a time when the opposite takes place. Naturally, if the former takes place, it is likely to be easier for them to gradually heal the damage that was done to them and put the past behind them.

A Big Help

So, assuming that it was one parent who abused them, and they speak to this parent about what happened, what they say might be heard. Along with this, this parent can be very understanding and remorseful.

They could say that they were not in a good way and were not aware of the harm that they were causing them, or something similar. After this, they could make it clear that, if they ever want to talk to them about what happened, they will be there for them.

The next Stage

Thanks to how this parent has responded, they could feel relieved and grateful. Having this conversation won’t have changed what happened, but it will have made their life a lot easier than it would be otherwise.

If they are having therapy, they might even take this parent to a few of the sessions that they have. This will give them the opportunity to explore and resolve what hasn’t been resolved in an environment where they feel safe and supported.

Another Scenario

But, while this will be the ideal, it might be the latter that takes place. As a result of this, when they speak to the parent who abused them, what they say might be dismissed or ignored.

Thus, they are not going to receive the validation and support that they desire. After they have spoken to them, they can feel frustrated and angry, then feel guilty and ashamed, and end up feeling helpless and hopeless.

A Brick Wall

Once they have settled down, they could try to talk to them again and not get any further. This could also be a time when this parent criticises them and accuses them of making everything up.

Further, they could talk about all the things that they did for them and the sacrifices they made, and make out that they are just ungrateful. This parent could end up talking to other family members about what they have said and make them look bad.

A Waste of Time

After trying to get through to them numerous times, they could see that not only are they wasting their time, but they are being re-traumatised. Still, they can wonder why this parent can't ​just face up to what happened and show remorse.

What might enter their mind is that they are making it all up, and even that they deserved to be treated badly. But, if they were brought up by a parent who seldom mirrored back their reality and often treated them like they were nothing, it is not going to be a surprise if these thoughts enter their mind.

What’s going on?

The reason that they are unable to get through to this parent and receive the empathy and compassion that they desire may be because this parent has a disconnected and inflated false self. What this means is that they are not connected to their body and in touch with their feelings.

They are then living on the surface of themselves and don’t have a good connection with their own humanity, which is why they are so cold and indifferent. This is also likely to be why they were so cruel early on.

A Protective Barrier

Most likely, they lost touch with themselves during their formative years, with this being a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened and keep it together and function, they gradually lost touch with their connected and feeling true self and developed a defended false self.

Taking this into account, this self would have allowed them to survive a brutal stage of their life, but it would have come at a great cost. This defensive structure that they have in place would be undermined if they were to face up to what happened and how they treated their child.

Self-Protection

If this were to happen, it would cause them to come into contact with some of the pain and needs that they had to block out during their formative years. This would then be a time when they would feel hopeless, helpless, ashamed, and worthless.

To stop themselves from being overwhelmed with pain and falling apart, they have to maintain their idealised false self. Facing up to the harm that they caused would undermine this self, which would be a threat to their psychological survival.

The Truth

Still, this is not to say that their parent is consciously doing what they can to maintain this inflated false self, as their system will automatically do what it can to ensure that it stays in place. With this in mind, it is not that they are choosing to deny how they behaved; it is that their psychological survival depends on it.

Understanding this is important as it will help to stop them from getting caught up in the view that their parent is doing what they can to harm them. Now, just as when they were a child, their parent is unwell, and this is why they can’t be there for them.

Moving Forward

For them to gradually let go of their need to be seen and heard by this parent, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.
Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk