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If someone who was abused as a child were to speak to their abusive parent about what happened, they might not get very far. This parent could deny what they say and even accuse them of making it all up.
If this is the case, they will continue to behave in a way that is very similar to how they behaved during their formative years. They are then going to deny that they mistreated them while mistreating them. External Feedback After they have spoken to them not once but on a number of occasions and experienced the same response, they could speak to a family member or family friend about what has happened. Now, this person could be aware of how they behaved during their early years and how they continue to behave. As a result of this, they could be very understanding and supportive. Along with this, they could say that their parent is too deep in denial to face up to how they behaved and behave, and that they are never going to be able to get through to them. Another Hurdle However, although some of the people in their life can see their parent clearly, there can be others who can’t. There can be other family members and family friends who have a very different view of them. This can largely be because, when this parent has spent time around these people, they show a very different side. So, this can be a time when their parent comes across as funny, charming and generous, for instance. One Outcome There is a strong chance that their parent will tell some, if not all, of these people about what their adult child has said to them. This can be a time when they will share a very lopsided account of what their childhood was like. They can then talk about things that they did for them that helped them, while leaving out all the things they did for them that harmed them. Thanks to this, the people they tell are naturally going to stand by them and accuse their adult child of being ungrateful and see them as the problem. The Next Part It could go further than his, though, as one of their friends could say that their child has something called false memory syndrome. Their child will then be seen as recalling things that didn’t actually happen. After hearing this, their parent could agree with what they have been told and end up saying this to their adult child. They could say that they are just making things up because they are not happy and want someone to blame. The Same Old Story After hearing this, they could feel angry and betrayed, and they might even question if what their parent has said is true. But if their childhood was a time when their perceptions were continually dismissed and invalidated, this is not going to be a surprise. What can also enter their mind is that they deserve to be treated badly and not be seen or heard. Once again, if they do believe this, it will be another outcome of having often been treated like they were nothing and not provided with the warmth that they deserved. Not a Surprise After this, even though they know what this parent is like, part of them can wonder why they would believe this. As strange as it will be to this part of them, it could be said that a parent like this and this theory are a match made in heaven. A parent like this, most likely, has a disconnected and inflated false self that is in place to stop them from falling apart. Under this false self is likely to be a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs. Going Deeper Therefore, to make sure that they keep it together and function, they need to maintain their idealised false self. This involves them coming across as perfect and prevents them from engaging in self-reflection. As, of course, if they were to reflect on their own behaviour, they would soon see their flaws, mistakes and the harm that they have done and continue to do. This would undermine their ability to keep it together and function. The perfect Scenario Still, this is not to say that they consciously do what they can to keep their inner and outer reality at bay, as this is likely to be something that takes place unconsciously. If they were aware of what they were doing, it wouldn’t work. Taking all this into account, this theory provides them with more evidence that their view of reality is true, and thereby, strengthens their false self system. What this illustrates is that they are not interested in what is or isn’t true or even in harming their adult child; their greatest need is to ensure that their false self stays in place. Moving Forward Ultimately, they can’t afford to face reality; doing so would undermine their psychological survival. This is why their false self is so strong and bold; if it weren’t, what is underneath it would burst forward and swallow them. Considering this, they are wasting their time trying to be seen and heard by them and have their reality acknowledged, just as they were wasting their time trying to be seen and heard and have their reality acknowledged throughout their childhood. Fortunately, with the right support, they can face and process their pain and experience their unmet developmental needs. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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