Early Deprivation: Are Attachment Problems Passed Down From One Generation To Another?

If someone wasn’t able to connect to and form a strong connection with their primary caregiver during their early years, who is likely to have been their mother, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. But, even if this is the case, what took place will have had a big impact on them then and continue to impact them now.

What this illustrates is how important this stage of their life was and how important it was for them to securely attach to their primary caregiver. However, as this is so, it can seem strange as to why they wouldn’t be aware of what happened at this stage of their life or see how it is still affecting them.

Blocked Out

But, as strange as this might seem, their brain will have caused them to consciously forget about what happened in order to protect them. As, if they were to remember what took place, this would also unlock some of the pain that they experienced and had to be repressed all those years ago.

The outcome of this is that their ability to keep it together and function would be undermined. What this comes down to is that their brain is not designed to make sure that they are aware of what is going on inside them; it is designed to keep them alive.

One Symptom

With that aside, thanks to what they experienced early on, they can typically live in their head and have a very weak connection with their body. By being this way, they are not going to be aware of a number of their needs or have a strong connection with their feelings.

They are then going to be a whole human being but they will seldom if ever operate as one. But, although they won’t have a strong connection with how they feel, they can often experience anxiety and find it hard to feel at ease during these moments.

Another

The needs that they are not aware of won’t lie dormant, though, and they will have an impact on their behaviour. So, without knowing it, they can do things to meet needs that they are not consciously aware of.

They can then believe that they are doing something because of one or a number of reasons but there will be far more to it. The needs that are held outside of their conscious awareness will also be driving them.

One More

When it comes to their love life, this can be an area of their life that they more or less overlook. Then again, this could be an area that is very unstable, with them going from one relationship to another.

When it comes to the former, they might not be interested in dating or being with anyone. Yet, when it comes to the latter, they might not be interested in being by themselves.

A Closer Look

When it comes to the first symptom, not being able to connect to and securely attach to their primary caregiver would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. To handle the pain that this would have caused them, they would have gradually disconnected from their body.

Quite simply, it would have been too painful for them to be in their body and feel their feelings and be aware of their needs. Becoming a divided human being, then, was the only way for their system to ensure their survival.

The Next one

As for the second symptom, not having an attuned caregiver who generally met their needs would have caused them to see their needs as bad and as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned.  This is because they were egocentric and thus, would have personalised what took place.

To try to be loved and not left, they would have gradually lost touch with a number of their needs and developed a disconnected false self. They would have lived in the hope that their needs would be met.

The last one

When it comes to their love life, if they more or less overlook their need to experience intimacy, this is likely to show that their primary caregiver was out of reach and the care that they did provide was misattuned care. They would then have come to associate human closeness as something that would cause them to be smothered and to be annihilated.

If, on the other hand, they go from one relationship to another and are rarely if ever single, this can show that their primary caregiver was out of reach but, at times, did provide attuned care. But, unlike the above scenario where a sense of trust wasn’t developed, they were only able to develop a certain level of trust and primarily expected to be left as opposed to smothered and annihilated.

The Other Side

Now, assuming that they were to become aware of what is taking place in their life and trace it back to their early years, they could wonder why they were unable to attach to their primary caregiver. One conclusion that they could come to, in part, as a result of the meaning that they made very early on, is that it’s due to them having something inherently wrong with them and not being lovable.

But, if this erroneous view is put to one side, it is likely to be due to their primary caregiver not having been able to attach to their primary caregiver during their formative years. What happened to them at this stage of their life would have caused them to adapt in a certain way and, as they were unable to heal any of their inner wounds, they ended up repeating what was done to them or something that was very similar.

A Pattern

This could be something that goes back many, many generations. Taking this into account, while they would have personalised what took place during this stage of their life and formed a view of themselves based on these experiences, how they were treated had nothing to do with them.

For them to reconnect to their essence and to let go of what doesn’t belong to them, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk