Early Deprivation: Can A Man Act Like An External Regulator If He Had An Emotionally Unstable Mother?

What a man may see, if he were to step back and reflect on his life, is that he has the inclination to please others. Thus, instead of freely expressing himself, he will do what he can to meet other people’s needs.

As a result of this, most of the people in his life won’t know what he is really like, as he will typically play a role when he is around them. He can see that he doesn’t consciously choose to be this way; it is just how he behaves.

Another Part

What he may also see is that this need is greater when he is around a woman or women. If this is the case, he might find that if there are people in his life who he can be himself around, they are men.

Due to this, when he is dating or in a relationship with a woman, he can find that he feels more weighed down than usual. This is, of course, because he will probably spend more time than usual around others.

Looking back

If he was recently in a relationship, he can find that he was ok at the beginning, but as time passed, he had less and less energy. He can see how he was very focused on her and did what he could to please her.

As time passed, he might have felt more like an extension of her than a separate individual who had his own needs and feelings. He might have neglected one or a number of areas of his own life, too.

Resistance

If there were moments when he did assert himself, he might have ended up feeling very anxious and as though he was doing something wrong. Not only this, but his girlfriend might have reacted negatively and even withdrawn.

What might stand out is that he spent a lot of time trying to make her feel better or more at ease, as she was seldom emotionally stable. If this were the case, he might see that he spent a lot of time doing what he could to try to make sure he didn’t unsettle her.

A Pattern

Assuming that this is what his last relationship was like, he might find that this is not the first time he has been in this position. He might see that the woman he was with before was more or less the same.

After this, he could wonder why he continually ends up with women who are like this, in addition to him having a general need to please others. As confusing as this is, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense.

Way Back

This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but also emotionally unstable. As for his father, he might not have been around, or he might not have been in his power and spent most of his time trying to please her.

The outcome of this is that he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Further, he would have had to adapt to her, to avoid upsetting her and thereby be rejected and abandoned, and his life coming to an end.

Self-Alienation

In the beginning, he would have most likely been connected to his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self, but as time passed, he would have formed a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Ultimately, as he was powerless and totally dependent on his mother, he had to do what he could to ensure he would stay connected to her.

And as his only option was to abandon himself and become who she wanted and behave how she wanted, this is what he had to do. His ability to read his mother’s moods and adapt to her, so that he could help settle her down, would have become very developed.

Moving Forward

Many years will have passed since that stage of his life, but he will still be disconnected from himself, and a big part of him will believe that, unless he adapts to others and erases himself, he will be left and his life will end. For this to change, he will have a number of steps to take.

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.  This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk