Early Deprivation: Can A Man Be Attracted To Abusive Women If He Had An Abusive Mother?

Over the years, a man may have been in a number of relationships where the woman was anything but supportive, loving and kind. Instead, the woman might have done just about everything that she could to undermine him.

However, it is unlikely the woman was like this at the beginning, as she might have come across as the complete opposite. So, she might have been attentive, supportive, funny and affectionate, for instance.

Another Scenario

But while he could look back on his life and see this, he might not need to. The reason for this is that he could be with a woman right now who is like this.

As a result, he could think about how she is now and compare it with how she was at the beginning and be surprised by how different she is. What can enter his mind is that although she looks the same, it is as if he is with another woman.

Two Extremes

When he first met her, he might have been pulled in by her beauty, charm and attentiveness. And, as time passed and he got closer to her, he might have felt good about himself and more alive.

Nonetheless, as the days, weeks and months passed, her behaviour might have gradually started to change. For example, she might have started to be critical and to humiliate him, to withhold affection and sex, and become emotionally and even physically distant.

A Very Different Experience

Thanks to this, how he felt at the beginning will be radically different to how he now feels. What he might find is that he typically feels worthless, invisible, low and as though he is not enough.

When he is with her, then, he is seldom going to be in a good way, and when he is not with her, he is also seldom going to be in a good way. Still, although she will have a deeply destructive impact on him and his life, he might not be able to get away from her.

External Feedback

If he has at least one trusted male friend and he were to open up about what is going on for him to them, his friend could say that she is toxic and that he needs to end the relationship. He could make it clear that if he doesn’t do this, he will just feel even worse, and his life will get worse.

He might not just be saying this because of what has happened to other men or what he has read, for instance, it can be because he has been in this position before. If this is the case, he will know what it is like and how much strength it takes to rise up again.

Drawing the line

After thinking about what his friend has said and with his support and perhaps the support of others, he could end up cutting his ties with her. But, even ff he does this, he might not simply feel relieved and as though he has made the right decision.

A part of him can continue to think about her and can crave being with her. He could feel the need to message and call her, and he might even think about visiting her.

Stepping Back

Assuming that he does feel the need to reach out to her again, he can wonder why he wants to get back in touch with or see a woman who is not good for him. Along with this, he can wonder why he has continually been with women who are like this.

When it comes to the former, it could be said that as he spent so long with her and formed an attachment to her, it is to be expected that part of him would want to be with her. And, when it comes to the latter, there is a chance that his early years have played a big part in why he has continually been with women like this.

Back In Time

This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was generally anything but nurturing. Being put down, humiliated, rejected, and even hit might have been the norm, and this might have been how she treated his father, too.

Due to this, he would have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Another part

This would have also involved him losing touch with his connected true self and developing a disconnected false self. Furthermore, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place.

He was then unable to see that how his mother treated him wasn’t a reflection of his worth or lovability. Most likely, she was a deeply wounded human being who had been greatly undermined during her formative years.

A Futile Struggle

But, although she wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, she would love him. This wouldn’t have allowed him to meet his needs, but it would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to keep it together and function.

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but a big part of him won’t have moved on. The view of himself that he formed during this stage of his life and his need to be loved by a woman who can’t love him will play a big part in why he is drawn to women who can’t value and love him.

Moving Forward

A big part of him will project the mother that he had into a woman who can’t love him, and will struggle to make her into a woman who is loving. The reason for this is that this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t see that this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother.

For him to gradually change this area of his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk