Early Deprivation: Can A Man Be Attracted To Women Who Need To Be Saved If He Had A Depressed Mother?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he might see is that he is typically drawn to women who are not doing well. These can be women who are not in a good way mentally and emotionally, and find it hard to handle life.

He might see that he has been with at least three women who were like this. Thanks to this, when he was with a woman like this, he was likely to have felt drained, and it might have taken him a while to get back on his feet, so to speak, after his time with her came to an end.

The First Stage

So, if he were to think about when he first met one of these women, he might see that it was clear that she wasn’t in a good place. Then again, it might not be this black and white.

Even if it wasn’t this black and white, if he were to really think about what she was like, he might find that he noticed that she looked sad, for instance. In this case, how she looked might not have fully registered for him at a conscious level, but it would have done so at an unconscious level.

The second Stage

After they had first met and things had started to progress, he may see that he focused on her needs when they were together and overlooked his own. This can be something that took place naturally, as opposed to something that he consciously chose to do.

As to how he behaved, he may see that he was very attentive and supportive. He might have also offered advice, cooked for her, bought her things, given her money and taken her to different places.

The third Stage

He might see that she was happier than when they first crossed paths and that she was grateful, too. However, there is a chance that she wasn’t much happier or even if she was, she soon went back to how she was before.

Not only this, but she might have become critical and complained that he didn’t do certain things for her. If this is what took place, he might have started to feel resentful, along with being exhausted.

Another Element

From this, what will be clear is that she didn’t see him as another human being who had his own needs, feelings, challenges and life to lead. No, she saw him as a parental figure who was there to take care of her.

And although he wasn’t responsible for her, he may have felt guilty and as though he wasn’t doing enough for her. If she ended their relationship around this time, he might have been in a bad way after.

The outcome

This may have been a time when he felt helpless, hopeless, and sad and as though he had been abandoned. He might have done what he could to get back with her, only for her to ignore him.

After a while, he might have gradually settled down and been able to carry on with his life. But it might not have been long before he ended up with another woman who was very similar.

What’s going on?

Assuming that this is what has taken place or something that is close to it, he can wonder why this is. But as confusing as this is, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might slowly make sense.

This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life.

A Depriving Time

The outcome of this is that he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed, which would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To keep it together and function, he would have lost touch with his embedded, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also come to believe, as he was egocentric, that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that he was responsible for his mother.

Another Part

He would have also lived in the hope that, if he focused on and did what he could to please his mother, she would be there for him and love him. But, as she had probably been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and couldn’t give him what he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did.

Yet, as hopeless and helpless as he was, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. It would have also helped to ensure that he behaved in a way that allowed him to be accepted by and stay connected to his mother and survive.

Its over

This stage of his life is now over, of course, but a big part of him won’t realise this. So when he crosses paths with a woman who reminds him of his mother, he will unconsciously project the woman he had into her.

This will give him the need to make her life better, just as he tried to make his mother’s life better. Just like when he was a boy, his survival will end up being attached to her and making her life better will be seen as the way for him to not only receive the love that he missed out on as a boy but to survive.

The reason this can take place is that this deeper, emotional part of him has no sense of time and is blind. It won’t realise, as he is no longer a boy and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive his mother’s love.

Moving forward

Taking all this into account, for him to no longer have the need to rescue women and to be with a woman who can also be there for him, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.  

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk