Early Deprivation: Can A Man Believe That He Is Not Desirable If His Mother Was Emotionally Unavailable?

Over the years, a man may have been attracted to a number of women who were not interested in him. Along with this, he might have dated a number of women who lost interest in him before long.

Also, he may have been in at least one relationship that came to an end because the woman was no longer interested in him. If he can relate to some, if not all, of these examples, he can believe that women just don’t find him attractive.

A Natural Response

But if he has not been able to make much progress in this area of his life, it could be said that this is to be expected. What can also play a part in this is that he might have put a lot of effort into his appearance.

Therefore, even if he is not as physically attractive as some men, he will have done a lot to improve his image. Thanks to what he has been through, he could feel pretty helpless and hopeless.

One Outcome

If so, he can believe that there is no point in trying to meet his need to be with a woman. This is going to cause him to go without, of course, but what it will do is stop him from having to continually be knocked back and rejected.

However, even if he does go down this path, it might not be long before he goes in the opposite direction. The reason for this is that his need to connect with a woman won’t disappear; it will continue to exert an influence on his life.

The Next Stage

If this were to take place, he could reach out to a woman and not get very far, or he could end up dating a woman and it could soon end, or he could start another relationship, and the woman could soon say that she is no longer attracted to him. Assuming that he ends up dating or has a relationship with a woman, and their time together soon ends, he could end up in a very bad way.

He could be filled with loss and sadness, feel helpless and hopeless and even think about ending his life. This will show that he is in a lot of pain and is unable to think of another way to change how he feels.

What’s going on?

To take a step back now, one way of looking at what is going on in this area of his life would be to say that he is just unlucky. Furthermore, the reason he feels so low is because of what he has been through over the years and because he has experienced a breakup.

He has then had setback after setback, and as he formed another connection and as this has broken, it is to be expected that he would have hit rock bottom. Ultimately, over the years, he will have gradually been worn down.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, what is going on in this area of his life might be a continuation of how it was for him during his formative years. This was a time when he experienced desire for the first time, and the person he desired was his mother.

His mother was then the first woman he desired, but she might have typically been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Due to this, while he would have desired her, she would have seldom desired him.

A Brutal Time

As he needed an attuned and caring mother to be able to grow and develop in the right way, having a mother like this would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. He would have felt rejected, helpless, hopeless and worthless, and to keep it together and function, how he felt and a number of his needs would have been automatically repressed by his brain.

The other part of this is that he would have lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected false self. Additionally, he would have lived in the hope, the false hope, that if he became who his mother wanted and did what she wanted, she would desire him and meet his needs.

A Futile Struggle

But, as she probably wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Still, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to handle not being loved.

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but he will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain that was repressed, and he will still be trying to be loved by his mother. The part of him that is still trying to be loved by her will cause him to unconsciously project the mother that he had into women and to try to receive what he missed out on.

Moving Forward

And the women that he projects his mother into are generally going to be emotionally unavailable and unable to love him. Anyway, this part of him won’t realise that another woman is not his mother and that it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on.

Yet, as futile as this struggle will be, the struggle will play a key part in stopping him from coming into contact with how he feels. For him to move on from what happened and no longer struggle for what he missed out on, he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk