Early Deprivation: Can A Man Feel Ashamed Of Himself If His Mother Abused His Father?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that he often feels low. After this, he may see that his life is not very fulfilling, and that it is as though he is just going through the motions in life.

But as bleak as his life is, he might not believe that he can do anything about it. Due to this, he can just do his best to keep going, while hoping that, sooner or later, his life will get better.

External Feedback

If he were to talk to a trusted friend or family member about what is going on for him, he could be told that he doesn’t have to experience life in this way. They could say that he is a decent guy and that he deserves to live a fulfilling life.

However, they could make it clear that in order for this to happen, there are steps that he needs to take, as his life won’t just change. After hearing this, he could be grateful for their support, but he might not take the next step.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, he could wonder why his life is this way and have the need to look deeper into what is going on. If he were to do this, what he may gradually find is that he doesn’t value himself.

This is why he feels low and why he tolerates the life that he leads. He won’t have the sense that he has the right to feel good about himself and live a life that is fulfilling.

The next Stage

After this, he might look back on his life and see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. He might also see that he doesn’t just feel worthless, he feels worthless because he is a man.

If, then, he were a woman, he could believe that he would feel good about himself. At this point, what can enter his mind is that there is no reason for him to feel this way and that what is going on for him is irrational.

A Closer Look

Nonetheless, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might slowly realise why he is experiencing life in this way. This may have been a stage of his life that was anything but nurturing, with this being a time when both he and his father were undermined by his mother.

So, his mother might have not only been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but also been verbally and even physically abusive. Consequently, he would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Another Part

To handle this, he would have lost touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self.

Furthermore, not receiving what he needed, along with being put down by her and seeing his father treated in the same way, would have caused him to believe that he was worthless and unlovable. As he was egocentric, he wouldn’t have been able to see that how he and his father were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability.

A key Developmental Process

When it comes to why how his father was treated had such a big impact on him, it is because he would have identified with his father. It was then a case that his father was male, like him, and as he was being treated badly by his mother, it  meant that men are worthless and unlovable.

What might have helped to strengthen this view is that his father might have largely tolerated what was going on and seldom, if ever, stood up for himself. Most likely, his mother and father had been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, and were unable to provide him with what he needed.

The Truth

Therefore, how he was treated was then not a reflection of his worth or lovability; it was a reflection of how wounded his parents were. For him to reconnect to his body and develop a felt sense of his own worth and lovability, he will have a number of steps to take.

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk