Early Deprivation: Can A Man Feel Comfortable Being Mistreated If He Had A Sadistic Mother?

Right now, a man may be with a woman who typically treats him like he is nothing. So, she can often put him down, make fun of him when they are by themselves and around others, and even physically harm him.

To try to change her, he might have done what he could to meet her needs and please her. But, no matter what he has done to try to change her behaviour, it might not have had much of an effect.

Beaten Down

Thanks to what he has gone through for a number of months or years, he is unlikely to be in a good way. He can spend a lot of time feeling drained and low, and he might even have moments when the thought of ending his life crosses his mind.

Clearly, the sooner he cuts his ties with the woman he is with, the better off he will be. However, although this is the case, he might not have a strong desire or the energy to do so.

External Feedback

If a trusted friend or family member were to become aware of what is taking place in this area of his life, they could be very supportive. They could say that he doesn’t have to live in this way and that he needs to leave the woman he is with.

After hearing this, he could agree with them and say that he needs to end it before the relationship ends him. But even if he does respond in this way, it doesn’t mean that he will take the next step.

The Catalyst

Not only can he not have a strong desire or the energy to leave, but he can also feel as though he deserves to be treated in this way. Due to this, for the relationship to end, she might need to be the one who ends it.

Assuming that this is what takes place, it doesn’t mean that he will just feel relieved after. Instead, he can feel both relieved and have a strong need to get back with her.

Inner Conflict

If this is so, he can wonder why he would feel such a strong pull to be with a woman who treated him so badly. He might be able to stop himself from getting back in touch with her, and if he can, he can reflect on his life.

During this time, he might see that this is not the first time that he has been with a woman like this. He might see that he has been with a number of women who were like this, and each time, he simply put up with it.

A Closer Look

After this, he can wonder why he feels comfortable being treated badly. What might enter his mind is that there is something inherently wrong with him and that he is ‘messed up’.

Nonetheless, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Brutal Time

Along with this, she might have often put him down, humiliated him, and even physically harmed him. Consequently, the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop wouldn’t have been provided.

To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed a number of his needs and the pain he was in. This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed false self.

The outcome

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. There would have also been the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made.

He would come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that he was to blame for how his mother behaved. And to ensure that he behaved in a certain way and didn’t displease his mother, she would have been internalised.

Another Element

His mother would then have become his inner voice, with this voice treating him in the same way that she did. He would have also lived in the hope that, if he punished himself like she did and suffered, she would love him.
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But, as his mother had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, and couldn’t love him, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Even so, this would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for him to reconnect to himself, change how he sees himself and treat himself well so that he no longer feels comfortable being treated badly by others, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk