Early Deprivation: Can A Man Feel Comfortable With Hot And Cold Behaviour If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

Right now, a man may be dating a woman who is not consistent when it comes to how she behaves. So, at times, she can come across as though she is interested, with her responding to his messages without too much time passing, and they can often spend time together.

But, other times, she might take days or even weeks before she replies, and they might seldom see each other. There can then be what it is like when they do get together, with this being a time when things are just as inconsistent.

Another Part

He can find that, at times, when they get together, she is very present, attentive, and warm. While at other times, she is not very present, inattentive and is fairly cold.

Now, he might have spoken to her about how she behaves, with this being a time when she has dismissed what he has said or just said that she has a lot going on at the moment. Then again, he might not have said anything, with him hoping that she will change before long.

The Next Stage

Regardless of what approach he has taken, and perhaps after he has struggled to change her, he might call it a day. Then again, she might be the one who calls it a day.

Either way, once it is over, he can think about how exhausting it was to date a woman like this. He can see how he didn’t know where he stood with her, and this unsettled him, with it being hard for him to focus on other areas of his life.

External Control

What can also stand out is how he would often go into this mode of waiting for her to reply, and that when she did, he felt good, but when she didn’t, he felt low. And, after he met her, as much as he enjoyed it, he soon started to think about how long it would be until they met again.

He might have even had moments when he questioned if he would see her again. Taking all this into account, as well as other factors, it is not a surprise that being with her was so unsettling.

The Other Side

He might realise that, as she was an imperfect human being, it wasn’t possible for her to always behave in the same way, but that he just wanted her to be more consistent. Furthermore, he might have also appreciated it if she expressed what was going on for her and let him know why she was behaving in a certain way as opposed to just ignoring him, for instance.

As the weeks and months pass and he settles down, he might see that this is not the first time that he has been in this position. He might see that he has been with a number of women who were like this.

One Outcome

If so, he can conclude that this is just what women are like, or he can believe that he is just unlucky. But, as this has happened on so many occasions, this is not going to be a surprise.

What can play a part in what he believes is that he might have put a lot of effort into improving himself over the years. For example, he might have exercised, worked on his mindset, and invested in his wardrobe.

Another Direction

However, what if the main reason he continually has these experiences with a woman is that he is unconsciously trying to receive the love that he missed out on as a boy? He might dismiss this and say that this stage of his life is over.

If he does, what he can keep in mind is that, yes, it is over, but a big part of him might not realise this. As a result of this, a big part of him can cause him to unconsciously recreate what it was like for him as a boy, in the hope of receiving his mother’s love.

A Deeper Look

His early years may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. There might then have been moments when she was present, warm and affectionate, but, in general, she might have been rejecting, indifferent and caught up with other things.

If this is what she was like, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised how he was treated, with him believing that he was worthless and unlovable, and his needs and feelings were bad. He would have also lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him.

A Waste of time

But, even though this was futile, as his mother most likely wasn’t able to provide him with the love he needed, as she herself had probably been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, it would have helped him to handle this stage of his life. Along with his brain repressing how he felt and a number of his needs, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension.

Even though the years will have passed, as on a deeper, emotional level, he won’t realise this, he will be drawn to women who will allow him to repeat this early struggle. This part of him won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, which is why it won’t see that as another woman is not his mother and that this stage of his life is over, it is too late for him to receive her love.

Moving Forward

For him to end this early struggle, reconnect to himself, to activate his inner sense of worth and lovability, and feel comfortable with his needs and feelings, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk