Early Deprivation: Can A Man Hate Himself If His Mother Blamed Men For Her Relationship Problems?

Even though a man may generally treat other people well and make a positive contribution through what he does for a living, for instance, it doesn’t mean that he will have the inclination to feel good about himself. Instead, he can find that he spends a lot of time feeling guilty and ashamed.

Due to this, it can be normal for him to feel low, with it being as though he has done something that is unforgivable. But based on how he lives his life, he might struggle to understand why he feels this way.

A Strange Scenario

He might see that, over the years, he has made mistakes and even had moments when he hasn’t treated people very well, but that this is just part of being human. There is then going to be no reason for him to punish himself.

Yet although he might be able to see this, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change how he feels and allow himself to create a fulfilling life. What might enter his mind, before long, is that he was simply born this way.

A natural outcome

But as he won’t be able to work out why his life is this way, this is to be expected.  Nonetheless, there is a chance that he wasn’t born this way and that what took place during his formative years played a big part.

This may have been a time when his mother often put his father down or put other men down. If so, he would have been used to hearing about how bad another man was or men were.

Black and white

His mother may have created the impression that she was the good one, unlike his father or the men that she had in her life. She might have often called his father or other men useless, self-centred and unreliable.

Thus, what she wouldn’t have looked into is why she ended up with a man like this or men like this. As he, her son, was in an underdeveloped state, he wouldn’t have had the ability to question what his mother was saying.

Taken To Heart

Instead, as he was also male, he would have taken on the message that his mother was sending: that men are worthless. This would have played a part in him not being able to develop a positive self-image.

What may have also played a part is that his mother might have often treated him as if he were also a problem. To try to be loved by his mother, he is likely to have gradually lost touch with how he felt and a number of his needs.

Self-Alienation

This is because he would have come to believe that he wasn’t acceptable and that he would only be accepted if he erased himself. Consequently, he would have done his best to become who she wanted and behave how she wanted.

The disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self that was formed was then created to ensure that he wouldn’t be rejected and die. But as he would have lost touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self, the acceptance that he did receive wouldn’t have had much of an impact on him.

 At the root

It would have been better than nothing, but it wouldn’t have allowed him to grow and develop a strong sense of self. For this to happen, he needed to be connected to himself and receive attunement, care, affection and support for who he was.

When it comes to the challenges that his mother was having with men, these were probably largely a replay of what it was like for her as a child. This may have been a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Unable to join the dots
                                                               
If so, she would have unconsciously recreated a life that was similar to what it was like for her as a child in order to try to resolve what took place. But, as she wasn’t aware of the part that she was playing, she ended up blaming and demonising the opposite sex.

What this means is that the experiences that she was having with men were a reflection of what was going on for her at a conscious and unconscious level; they were not a reflection of what all men were like, or his worth or lovability as a man. This is not to say that hearing this will allow him to feel good about himself.

Moving Forward

For him to reconnect to his body and develop a positive self-image, he is likely to have a number of steps to take. There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk