Early Deprivation: Can A Man Have A Fear Of Being Seen If He Had An Abusive Mother?

What a man may see, if he steps back and reflects on his behaviour, is that he has the inclination to play a role when he is around others. So, he can see that when this happens, he comes across as though everything is fine.

It then won’t matter if this is actually the case, as he won’t open up about what is going on for him. He can see that this is also a time when he is focused on others and does what he can to please them.

It’s Automatic

The outcome of this is that he won’t freely express himself; he will act as though he is an extension of others and is there to mirror back certain responses. But, as depriving as this will be, he can see that this is what just happens.

It is then not that he chooses to behave in this way; it is just how he will feel compelled to act. Naturally, for him to live a fulfilling life, he will need to be able to freely express himself.

Another Element

Now, it might not matter if he is around a man or men, or a woman or women, as his ability to freely express himself can be affected. Then again, he might find that he is more likely to hide himself when he is around a woman or women.

If this is the case, being this way is going to make it hard for him to develop a deeper connection with a woman. He might even find, for example, that when he has dated or been in a relationship with a woman, he hasn’t fully shown up.

Another part

If this is the case, he could think about the last woman that he was with and see that he did what he could to be a certain person and meet her needs. This would then have been a time when he gave a lot but received very little.

Yet, he might see that when he did open up and speak about a challenge or how he felt, he ended up being put down. Thus, the support that he needed wouldn’t have been provided, and he might have stopped opening up as time passed.

A Lot to Carry

After a while, he might have felt exhausted and not been able to sustain the relationship. Or, the woman might have become distant and broken up with him before long.

Once it came to an end, he might have felt used, betrayed and very low. It might then have been weeks, months or even years before he was in a position to start dating again.

Joining the Dots

If he can see that he has the inclination to hide himself and he has been with at least one woman who pulled him apart for opening up, it could be said that it makes sense for him to be this way. When he has opened up, he has been mistreated, so by not opening up, he will be protecting himself.

However, before he was pulled apart by a woman or women, he might not have been very open and very guarded. Still, while he might have been this way before, thanks to what he has been through as an adult, part of him could believe that it made sense for him to be this way.

The Downside

The trouble is that although being this way would have protected him, it would, like now, have prevented him from being able to receive the support and affirmation from people who wouldn’t mistreat him. Furthermore, if he has been like this for as long as he can remember, there is likely to be a reason.

Most likely, it is not because he has just had the need to protect himself from the moment he was born. Instead, he can be this way because of what took place during his formative years and the impact it had on him.

Back In Time

This might have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have often put him down, humiliated him, rejected and abandoned him, and even physically harmed him.

The outcome of this is that he wouldn’t have felt safe around his mother and have been able to attach to and open up to her; he would have felt unsafe, needed to keep his distance and keep his guard up. To avoid being harmed and left by her, he would have needed to lose touch with his connected true self and develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

One Choice

Ultimately, he wouldn’t have received what he needed to grow and develop in the right way. But, although she wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, she would love him.

The reason for this is that, as he was egocentric, he would have believed that there was something wrong with him and how he behaved. Therefore, he wouldn’t have been developed enough to see that his mother was probably a deeply wounded human being who couldn’t love him.

The past Is Present

Nonetheless, as futile as this struggle was, the hope that it gave him would have served as a secondary defence that allowed him to keep it together and function. The truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with him, and he is lovable.

The trouble is that due to how he adapted and the need that part of him has to receive his mother’s love, a big part of him will continue to see being open as a threat and he will unconsciously create situations with women where he is criticised and humiliated, thereby, validating his need to hide himself and be guarded. What this illustrates is that a big part of him is blind and has no sense of time, which is why it can’t see that this stage of his life is over and that another woman is not his mother.

Moving Forward

For him to gradually put this stage of his life behind him and freely express himself, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk