Early Deprivation: Can A Man Have A Negative Self-Image If His Mother Abused his Father During His Early Years?

If a man were to step back and reflect on how he sees himself, he may find that he doesn’t have a very positive or empowering self-image. He can see that he sees himself as being worthless and unlovable.

After he thinks about this, what can enter his mind is that he is this way because of what he has experienced over the years. For example, he might have been in at least one relationship with a woman who was abusive.

 A Rough Time

Then again, he might have been in a number of relationships that were like this. If so, he will have been with a number of women who greatly undermined him and made his life a misery.

During the time that he was with a woman like this, he wouldn’t have felt good about himself, and once the relationship came to an end, he would have continued to feel bad. He might not have felt as bad, but he certainly wouldn’t have felt good.

One Conclusion

After reflecting on this area of his life, what is likely to enter his mind is that if he hadn’t been with women like this, he would have a different view of himself and feel different. But, considering what he has been through, this is not much of a surprise.

However, if he were to go back to a stage of his life when he hadn’t been in a relationship like this, he might see that he didn’t have a very positive view of himself and seldom felt good. Assuming that this is the case, he can wonder why he experienced life in this way.

Back In Time

There is a chance that his early years were a time when his value and lovability were rarely mirrored back to him by his mother, and his father was not treated very well by her either. If this is the case, he might have often been criticised, humiliated, rejected and physically harmed by her.

Thanks to being treated in this way, he would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed from his mother to grow and develop in the right way. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

A Brutal Time

But, although she was most likely unable to love him as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, he would have personalised what took place. It was then not his mother couldn’t see his worth or love him; it was that he was worthless and unlovable.

Along with the self-image that he formed, to handle what happened, he would have lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected false self. And, although his mother couldn’t provide him with the love that he needed, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, she would love him.

It was Futile

But as ineffective as this approach was, it would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to keep it together and function. Now, when it comes to his father not being treated well, he might have often been criticised, humiliated, ignored, and even hit.

In general, his father might have just tolerated what was going on and not stood up for himself. If there were moments when he did stand up for himself, he might have lost his temper and threatened to leave.

A Big Impact

This will show that his father wasn’t in his power, and he might not have stood up for him. If he generally let his mother mistreat him and didn’t stand up for him, his father would have indirectly sent the message that he had no value and wasn’t lovable.

This would then have strengthened the meaning that his underdeveloped brain had already made as a consequence of how his mother treated him. Moreover, as he is likely to have identified with his father and seen him as being the same as him, he would have come to believe that, as his father wasn’t being treated well and had no value in his mother’s eyes, the same was true for him.

A Natural outcome

Taking this into account, as he grew up in an environment where his value and lovability were not mirrored back to him, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t have an accurate view of himself. Yet, no matter how he was treated and the mean that his underdeveloped brain made, the truth is that he has inherent worth and is lovable.

For him to realise this, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk