Early Deprivation: Can A Man Have An Inner Masochist If He Had A Sadistic Mother?

Right now, a man may be in a relationship with a woman who treats him like he is nothing. So, it can be normal for her to be put down and humiliate him, and there may even be moments when she physically harms him.

This may have been going on for a number of months, if not longer.  However, although how he is being treated is harming him, he might just typically tolerate what is going on.

A Big Impact

But if he has spoken up and asserted himself, the woman might have just criticised him or laughed. If so, it will be clear that he is with a woman who doesn’t value him and experiences pleasure by harming him.

As a result of what is going on in this area of his life, he is likely to have the inclination to feel down, and he might even have moments when he thinks about ending his life. Still, he could do his best to carry on as normal.

The Next Stage

After a while, he could talk to a trusted friend about this area of his life, and they could be very understanding and supportive. They could make it clear that he doesn’t deserve to be treated in this way and that it is in his best interest to end the relationship.

Assuming that this takes place and after a while, he does cut his ties with her, it is likely to take a while before he goes back to how he was before. Nonetheless, what he may find, during this time, is that this is not the first time that he has been with a woman like this.

Stepping Back

Along with this, he may see that he often allows others to mistreat him and that he doesn’t treat himself very well. When it comes to the former, he can see that some of his colleagues, friends, and perhaps family members often treat him like he is nothing, and he seldom, if ever, does anything about it.

As for the latter, he can see that he often deprives himself of the things that he needs and wants and talks badly to himself. He can then see that his inner state usually relates to him feeling bad and low.

A Strange Scenario

What can then stand out is that he allows others to punish him as he does the same thing, as he believes that he deserves to be punished. Being treated in this way will cause him to suffer, but it will also feel comfortable and bring him relief.

If he were to imagine living a life where he is generally treated well by himself and others, he might feel good at first, but he could soon feel guilty and anxious. If so, he can wonder why he feels comfortable when he is being punished and is suffering.

 A Closer Look

As strange as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him as a boy, it might soon make sense. This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Furthermore, she might have often put him down, humiliated him when he was by himself and around others, and even physically harmed him. This would have meant that he didn’t receive the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed.

A Brutal Time

To handle what happened, his brain would have automatically repressed how he felt and a number of his needs, causing him to lose touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. What would have also had an impact on how he came to see himself is how his mother behaved when she mistreated him.

The Message

During and after she had, she might have laughed and made out that he deserved to be treated in this way. Along with this, she might have often given him attention and affection after she had harmed him, and this might have been one of the main ways that he received attention and affection.

Assuming that this was so, he would have come to associate being accepted, connected and surviving and therefore, loved, with not only focusing on her and doing what she wanted, but also being harmed by her. To ensure that he didn’t change his behaviour and end up being abandoned by her, his outer mother would have been internalised.

It’s over

This inner mother, which would have become part of his superego, was there to protect him and keep him alive. Now, this stage of his life will be over, of course, but he will continue to associate being punished and suffering with being accepted, connected and surviving.

It won’t matter if he is being punished by himself or others, as long as he is suffering. This will also allow him to handle the guilt that he experiences, guilt that he first came to experience as a boy, as he felt unworthy of being alive.

Moving Forward

Ultimately, how he was treated wasn’t a sign that his needs and feelings are bad, that he is worthless or unlovable, or that he doesn’t deserve to be here. Most likely, it was a reflection of how deeply wounded his mother was and her inability to love him.

For him to gradually change his life, he is likely to have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.
​
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

---

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk