Early Deprivation: Can A Man Have The Need To Keep Women At A Distance If He Had An Abusive Mother?

Even though a man can want to date or have a relationship with a woman, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to meet this need. So, he can have a clear idea about the type of woman that he is looking for, and he can put himself out there, so to speak.

For example, he can join one or a number of dating apps, and he can socialise. Along with this, he can put a fair amount of effort into his appearance, so that he looks his best when he is around others.

One Scenario

However, after a few weeks or months have passed, he might have been on a number of dates, but that could be about as far as it will go. If this is the case, he can feel frustrated and low.

He can then wonder if this area of his life will ever change, and he might even think about putting this area of his life to one side. What can play a part in this is that this area of his life might have been this way for most of his adult life.

A Frustrating Existence

Not too long ago, then, he might have been dating or in a relationship with a woman, but before this, he might have been single for a long time. As a result, he will know what it is like to not experience a deeper connection with a woman.

He might not have had any trouble finding women to have casual encounters with, though. But, even if this is so, these encounters won’t allow him to meet certain needs, such as his need to emotionally bond with a woman.

Another Part

And, what he might also see is that when he was last dating or in a relationship with a woman, this was a time when there was often a lot of conflict, and he wasn’t able to get close to the woman. For example, the woman he was with might have often been critical and cold.

Yet, even if this is so, he might just believe that she was this way because she was going through a tough time, or they were not really compatible. In other words, it won’t be necessary for him to take a closer look at what happened.

The Next Step

If he does think about putting this area of his life to one side, he can wonder why this area of his life is so challenging. What can enter his mind is that he is just unlucky, or that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding him back.

Yet, if he has done a lot of the right things and is physically attractive and even well off financially, this is to be expected. But, while he can see himself as being unlucky or conclude that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding him back, what if there is more to it?

Another Angle

What if he also has the need to make sure that a woman doesn’t get too close to him? After hearing this, he could say that this is not true, as this is what he wants, or words to that effect.

Nonetheless, if he does respond in this way, what he will need to keep in mind is that in addition to his conscious mind or conscious sense of himself, he also has an unconscious mind. Furthermore, as wacky as this may sound, he has an energetic field, and this field is impacting what he can and can’t experience.

A Closer Look

With this in mind, part of him wants to get closer to a woman, while another part of him can have the need to make sure that this doesn’t happen. Consequently, at an energetic level, he will be sending out a weak signal that he is open and ready to bond with a woman, and a strong signal that he is closed and is not ready to bond with a woman.

If he is on board with this, he can wonder why a small part of him is receptive and ready, but another, bigger part of him is closed and is not ready. Still, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his formative years, he might soon understand why he is this way.

Back In Time

From a very young age, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, she might have often criticised, humiliated, rejected, and even physically harmed him.

The outcome of this is that he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs, and he would have lost touch with his connected true self and developed a disconnected false self.

Another Element

And, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place, which would have caused him to believe that he was worthless and unlovable. How his mother behaved would have also formed his inner model of what a woman is like.

Thus, he would have come to believe that a woman was critical, cold, emotionally out of reach and a threat to his survival. His need to bond with his mother would have ended up in conflict with and dominated by his need to keep her at bay to ensure his own survival.

Its over

As time passed, his conscious mind would have forgotten about what happened and the impact it had on him, but it will continue to impact him. When he is around a woman, he will unconsciously project the mother that he had into her and will have the need to emotionally, if not physically, keep his distance.

Part of him will also be trying to receive the love that he missed out on as a child, and this will play a part in why he is pulled to women who are similar to his mother. At a deeper level, he won’t realise that another woman is not his mother or that it is too late for him to receive this love, as this part of him has no sense of time and is blind.

Moving Forward

For him to gradually change his inner world, so that this area of his life changes, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk