Early Deprivation: Can A Man Have The Need To Keep Women At A Distance If He Had An Emotionally Unstable Mother?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, he may find that he has rarely, if ever, been able to develop a deeper connection with a woman. So, he might have had casual encounters and even dated a few women.

However, he might not have been able to take things further with a woman and have a relationship. Or, if he has had at least one relationship, it might have lasted for a very long time.

One Reason

If he has had at least one relationship and this didn’t last for very long, he might see that it was because the woman was emotionally volatile. He might then have ended it to protect himself, or she might have ended it.

He could look at this stage of his life and just believe that he had just happened to end up with a woman who had issues. Since then, he might not have spent time with a woman who was the same.

A Lot of frustration

Yet, if he has only had casual encounters and dated women since then, he probably won’t have gotten closer enough to a woman to find out what she was really like. If this is the case, he can be fed up with what this area of his life is like.

What might often enter his mind is that he is simply unlucky, or that someone or something 'out there' is holding him back. What can play a big part in this is that he could often go out and approach women and put a lot of effort into his appearance, for instance.

External Feedback

If he were to talk to a trusted friend about his area of his life, his friend could be very supportive. This friend could say that he is doing a lot of the right things and sooner or later, his luck will change.

Alternatively, he could say that, as unfulfilling as this area of his life is, there is a chance that it is what feels safe at a deeper level. He could say the reason he ended up with a woman who was emotionally volatile is probably because this is how he views women at a deeper level.

Self-Protection

It is then not that he is just unable to get emotionally close to a woman; it is that part of him is stopping this from taking place. After hearing this, he could be angry and say that this is not true.

Conversely, he could be angry and confused but want to find out more about what his friend has shared. If he were able to go back in time and observe his formative years, he might gradually realise why there is this other part of him, and he doesn’t have a very positive inner model of women.

Back In Time

During this stage of his life, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, she might have often been emotionally unstable and exploded, with it being as though he was living in a war zone.

He then wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to her, and he would have had to be on alert at all times in order to try to avoid being on the receiving end of one of her eruptions. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

One Option

For him to have handled not having an attuned, supportive, affectionate and supportive mother and the pain that his caused him, he would have lost touch with his connected, embodied, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

Moreover, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. Also, he would have come to see human closeness as something that would cause him to be annihilated.

Another Element

Still, although his mother was unable to provide him with what he needed, most likely due to her having also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, he would have lived in the hope that, if he adapted to her, she would meet his needs. But although he was hopeless and helpless, this hope would have served as a secondary defence.

In other words, this hope would have helped to keep his needs and the pain he was in from entering his conscious awareness and allowed him to release tension. Therefore, it would have played a key part in him being able to keep it together and function.

A Continuation

This stage of his life will now be over, of course, but thanks to how he adapted, the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made and what part of him will still be looking for, it won’t matter. He won’t be fully connected to himself, won’t be able to accept, at a deeper level, that not all women are like his mother and will still be looking for the love that he missed out on.

When it comes to the second and third points, he will unconsciously be drawn to women who are similar to his mother, project the mother that he had into them and struggle to receive the love that he missed out on. This part won’t realise that, as this stage is over and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on.

Moving Forward

For him to gradually change this area of his life, there will be a number of steps for him to take. There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk