Early Deprivation: Can A Man Have The Need To Perform For A Woman If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

If a man thinks about how he has behaved when he has dated or been in a relationship with a woman, he may find that he has rarely, if ever, been himself. Instead, what he may find is that he has typically put on an act.

So, he might have always tried to be calm, funny, understanding and to meet the woman’s needs. The outcome of this is that she wouldn’t have met the real him; she would have only met the man that he pretended to be.

A Tiring Experience

As a result of how he behaved, it would have taken a lot of energy for him to maintain this performance. Furthermore, he would have had to deny a number of his needs and hide how he felt.

After he had been with her for a number of weeks, months or even years, he might have been well and truly exhausted. Along with this, he might have often wondered why he was with her, as he wouldn’t have received much.

Total indifference

And if there were moments when he stepped out of the role that he was playing, she might not have responded warmly. This may have been a time when she criticised him and acted as though his needs and feelings were bad.

If this were the case, he might have felt ashamed and soon gone back to how he was before. His behaviour might have changed because he lost his job, was unwell or experienced a loss.

Too much to Handle

Something like this might have played a part in why their time together came to an end. With this additional stress and how she behaved during his time of need, he might have had enough and drawn the line.

Then again, she might have soon broken up with him after accusing him of being self-centred and not caring about her needs. Either way, once it came to an end, he was likely to have been relieved.

Another part

Yet, even if he was, there is also a chance that this was a time when he often felt very low and wanted to be with her again. If this were the case, he might have struggled to understand why he wanted to be with a woman who treated him like dirt.

After reflecting on the experiences that he has had, he can wonder why he has the inclination to hide himself when he is with a woman and to be with a woman who is self-absorbed and indifferent to his needs. What might enter his mind is that there is something inherently wrong with him, and that this is just what women are like.

A Closer Look

Assuming that he does come to this conclusion, what if there is nothing inherently wrong with him, and this is not just what all women are like? What if this area of his life is simply a continuation of what it was like for him as a boy?

This may have been a time when it generally wasn’t possible for him to be himself, and his mother was largely caught up with her own needs. If this was what it was like, he would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

An Emotional Desert

In addition to being deprived, when he did express his needs, he might have generally been rejected, criticised and even abandoned. This would have sent him the message that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable.

To handle seldom having a number of his needs met and the pain that this caused him, he would have gradually lost touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling false self. Over time, he would have developed a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

Inner Model

How his mother behaved would have also played a big part in how he came to see a woman. It then wouldn't have mattered that his mother didn’t represent all women, as his experiences with her would have been generalised.

And, along with his system repressing how he felt and a number of his needs to allow him to keep it together and function, there would have also been the impact that hope had. He would have lived in the hope that, by becoming who she wanted and behaving how she wanted, she would love him.

It was Futile

But, as his mother probably wasn’t able to love him, as she herself had been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, it wouldn't have mattered who he became or what he did. Nonetheless, this hope would have allowed him to release tension and helped him to handle what happened.
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Of course, this stage of his life is over, but a big part of him is still trying to earn his mother’s love, and this part of him will cause him to unconsciously be drawn to women who are similar to his mother.  Like then, he will automatically hide himself, focus on her and do what he can to finally be loved.

Moving Forward

This deeper, emotional part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it won’t be able to see that, as this stage of his life is over, and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive the love that he missed out on. For him to get back into his body, no longer look for his mother’s love, and freely express himself around a woman, there will be a number of steps for him to take.

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk