Early Deprivation: Can A Man Have The Need To Please Women If His Mother Was Emotionally Unstable?

What a man may see, if he were to think about how he behaves when he is around a woman, is that he has the tendency to lose himself. Therefore, instead of freely expressing himself, he will erase himself and do what he can to meet her needs.

He can see that this is not something that he consciously chooses to do; it is something that takes place automatically. When this takes place, he won’t act like an individual; he will act like an extension of the woman.

One Area

When he thinks about the areas of his life that have been most affected by this, two areas may come to his mind. First, there can be the impact that it has had on his career, and second, the impact it has had on his romantic relationships.

So, when it comes to the former, he can see that there have been moments when he hasn’t spoken up and asserted himself. He may see that this has often caused him to be walked over and held him back.

Another Area

When it comes to the latter, he can see that when he has been dating or in a relationship with a woman, he has typically put up with behaviour that undermined him. He then wouldn’t have spoken up and protected himself.

Over time, he may see that this caused him to emotionally disconnect from the woman, to become resentful, and feel very low. But as time passed, it probably became harder and harder for him to please her and keep how he felt hidden.

Stepping Back

After thinking about how he has behaved around women, he can question why he finds it so hard to be himself and be honest when he is around them. What might enter his mind is that there is no reason for him to be this way.

He might even believe that he needs to ‘man up’ and stop being so fearful around women.  Nevertheless, if he were to use his imagination, he might gradually find out why he behaves in this way.

A Closer Look

If he were to imagine that he is around a woman, is freely expressing himself, and is not swallowing his words, he might experience a sense of freedom. He can also feel alive, powerful, relieved and grateful.

As time passes, though, he can start to feel very uncomfortable, with him having the need to go back to how he was before. If he were to stay with this and see what is under his discomfort, he may find that he fears that the woman will lose control and become violent and then abandon him.

The next Stage

Assuming that this is what arises, he can believe that how he feels is irrational. He can think about how, even if a woman did lose control and become violent, he would be able to handle it, and, as he is a man, not a boy, being left by her wouldn’t cause him to die.

However, even if he does come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that what is going on for him is irrational. It might be a reflection of what it was like for him during his formative years.

Back In Time

This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but was also emotionally unstable. He then wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to her and be himself.
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No, he would have had to keep his distance and be ready for when she lost control. At one point, he probably would have been firmly rooted in his body and connected to his needs and feelings, but, as time passed, he would have developed a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

Protection Mode

Adapting in this way wouldn’t have stopped his mother from losing control and abandoning him, but it would have allowed him to be more prepared for when this did happen. Furthermore, by losing touch with himself, he wouldn’t have been consciously aware of how much pain he was in.   

Still, although his mother wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed (most likely she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years), he would have lived in the hope that, by becoming who she wanted and behaving how she wanted, she would love him. As futile as this struggle was, it would have served as a secondary defence that helped him to keep it together and function.

The Struggle Continues

This is because it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, of course, but he will still be in a disconnected state, will still be struggling for his mother’s love and will expect a woman to behave as his mother did if he doesn’t erase himself.

For him to change how he behaves, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk