Early Deprivation: Can A Man Have The Need To Stay Small If His Father Was Abused By His Mother?14/2/2026
In general, a man can do his best not to stand out and to be in the background. This can mean that when he is around friends and family, he won’t say much, and they will do most of the talking.
It might not be much different when he is at work, with him also not saying much or asserting himself. As a result, he might be used to being walked over, and he might not have been able to make much progress. Another Area If he is dating or in a relationship with a woman, she might do most of the talking and make most of the plans. She might also be very controlling and treat him more like an object than a subject. Being around her is not going to have a positive impact on him; it will undermine him. Thanks to how she treats him, he could be in a position where he often feels low. Another Scenario Conversely, he might not be with a woman who is like this, but he might have been in the past. Assuming that this is the case, it might have taken a little while before he was able to get back on his feet, so to speak. If he has been with a number of women who were like this, he might believe that this is just what women are like. What can play a part in this is that some of his friends might have been with women who were similar. Stepping Back If he were to step back and reflect on his life, he might wonder why he finds it so hard to assert himself and puts up with bad behaviour. He might see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. But as confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when his father was often mistreated by his mother. Back in time Seeing his father criticised, humiliated and deprived of warmth and affection might have been normal. His father wouldn’t have been respected and treated like someone who was valuable and lovable. But instead of standing up for himself, his father might have typically tolerated her behaviour and, over time, become a beaten-down man. That is, unless he wasn’t already a beaten-down man before he met his mother. The outcome If this is what took place, as he was also male and had identified with his father, it would have indirectly sent him the message that it wasn’t safe for him assert himself and be seen. He would have learnt that if he did and was, he would be pulled apart and made to feel worthless. Most likely, his mother was a deeply wounded human being who missed out on what she needed during her childhood. She would then have been caught up with her own issue and wouldn’t have been able to see how destructive her behaviour was. Another Element Along with how his father was treated, he might have been treated in a very similar way. It then wouldn’t have just been his father who was put down, humiliated and starved of affection, as he would have been, too. What he saw and how he was treated would have caused him believe that he was worthless and unlovable. This is because, as he was egocentric, he wouldn’t have realised that his mother was wounded and simply couldn’t provide him with the love that he needed. Self-Alienation To handle not receiving the attunement, mirroring, care, support, affection and protection that he needed, he would have lost touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. Furthermore, he would have lived in the hope that by adapting in this way, he would be loved. But as neither his mother nor father could provide him with what he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. A matter of survival Even so, by adapting in this way and blocking out his inner and outer reality, it would have made it easier for him to keep it together and function, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent boy who lived in a system that undermined him, but a big part of him won’t be aware of this. For him to gradually put the past behind him and be able to connect to and be safe in his body, activate his inner sense of worth and lovability, and freely express himself, there will be a number of steps for him to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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