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What a man may see is that when he is around others, he has the inclination to focus on their needs. His own needs are then going to be put to one side, and he will do what he can to be there for them.
He may see that he hasn’t been this way for long, or that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. But although behaving in this way is causing him to be deprived and to suffer, it can be what feels comfortable. An Activity So, if he were to imagine spending time with a friend or being with a woman, and he were to not only meet some of their needs but also to express his own, he could end up feeling anxious. It can be as though something bad will happen. If he were to sit with this, he could find that he expects to be rejected and abandoned. As a result, if he changes his behaviour, he will be alone, and his life will come to an end. A Natural outcome If this is what he experiences, it is not going to be a surprise that he hides himself around others and acts like he is an extension of them. Deep down, this will be seen as the only way for him to have other people in his life and not be isolated. The trouble is that experiencing life in this way will cause him to spend a lot of time running on empty. If he only had basic needs, such as the need to sleep, eat and drink, and even to exercise, it wouldn’t matter that his other needs, such as his emotional needs, are seldom, if ever, met. One outlook At this point, it could be said that there is no need for him to abandon himself around others. The reason for this is that, if he does show up and express himself and another person doesn’t accept him and pulls away, it doesn’t mean that he will be alone or that his life will come to an end. He will then have created space in his own life to allow someone in who can be there for him and doesn’t expect him to ignore himself. But even though he might be able to accept this at a mental level, he might not be able to accept it at an emotional level. Inner conflict Thanks to this, he can find that he is unable to simply change his behaviour and has the need to behave in the same way. After seeing this, what might enter his mind is that he simply lacks courage. However, there is a chance that he is in a traumatised state, which is making it hard for him to freely express himself. This can be due to what took place during his formative years. Back In Time At this stage of his life, his mother and perhaps his father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life. So when he expressed his needs, they might have typically reacted as though he were a source of pain and a burden. For example, they might have criticised, ignored, rejected and abandoned him. An Unwelcoming Environment If this were the case, he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. And, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. Thus, it wasn’t that his parents probably couldn’t provide him with what he needed; it was that his needs and feelings were bad, he was worthless and unlovable, and he had no right to exist. To handle this depriving stage of his life and to stay connected to his parents, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. Another part This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also lived in the hope that, by hiding himself, being needless and meeting his parents' needs, he would be able to be seen, heard and loved. Yet as his parents probably didn’t have the capacity to provide him with what they needed, this would have been futile. Even so, this hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for him to gradually change his life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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