Early Deprivation: Can A Man Obsess Over Unavailable Women If He Experienced Early Deprivation?

At this point, a man may spend a lot of time messaging and even sending voice notes to a woman who seldom replies. Even so, he can be convinced that if he keeps contacting her, she will change.

When he is not reaching out to her, he can often think about and long to be with her. Now, this could be something that has been going on for a few days, weeks or even months.  

Highs and lows

But when she does reply, this can be a time when he ends up feeling really good; it can be as though he has won the lottery. After a while, though, this high can wear off, and he can feel low.

However, even if he does feel low, he can avoid how he feels by fantasising about what it would be like to be with her. He can imagine not just spending time with her, but also being in a relationship with her.

External Feedback

If he were to share what is taking place with a trusted friend, they could be understanding and supportive. Nonetheless, they could say that it sounds like the woman he is messaging isn’t into him.

And that, if she were, she would message him more and find time to actually see him in the real world. After this, they could say that it is probably best for him to accept what is going on and to move on.

One Scenario

Assuming that this were to take place, he might appreciate their feedback but say that sooner or later, she will change. He can then forget about what they said and go back to how he was before.

But even if he does respond in this way, he might not be able to behave in this way for much longer. He can become fed up with putting in so much effort while receiving crumbs in return.

Stepping Back

At this point, it can be clear that the woman he is into is not into him, and he is wasting his precious time and energy trying to get her to change. After realising this, he might see that this is not the first time that he has been in this position.

If he were to look back on his life, he might see that he has spent a lot of time trying to make women more responsive. Along with trying to take things further with women who were not interested in him, he can see that he has been with women who he spent time with and dated, only for them to become out of reach before long.

What’s going on?

But if this has taken place, he can see that he continued to message these women long after it became clear that they were not interested and to fantasise about being with them. After coming to see that this is a pattern, he can wonder why he is so focused on women who are out of reach.

As confusing as this is, there is a chance that he is unconsciously replaying what it was like for him during his early years, in the hope of receiving the love that he missed out on. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Back in Time

If so, this would have meant that he wasn’t able to securely attach to her and receive the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, and support that he needed. As a result, the care that he did receive would have largely been misattuned care.

Therefore, being rejected, abandoned, and smothered would have been normal, which would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt, as well as a number of his needs.

The Outcome

This would have involved him losing touch with his connected, embodied, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disconnected, disembodied, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

Additionally, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. Human closeness would have also come to be associated with something that would cause him to be annihilated.

A Replay

Lastly, he would have lived in the hope that, by becoming who she wanted and behaving how she wanted, she would love him. But as she was probably unable to provide him with what he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered how he adapted.

Yet, this hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. This stage of his life is now over, of course, but a big part of him won’t realise this.

The past is present

At a deeper, emotional level, when he is trying to change a woman who is out of reach, he will really be trying to pull his mother closer and be loved by her. But, as this part will also fear closeness, it won’t actually want this to take place.

As this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t realise that, as this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. This is why what is going on for him can only be resolved internally, not externally.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for him to gradually change his life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk