Early Deprivation: Can A Man Reject His Masculinity If He Had An Abusive Father?

Even though a man has a masculine element, it doesn’t mean he will be in touch with this part of himself. If this is the case, he is unlikely to be rooted in his body; instead, he is likely to live in his head.

The outcome of this is that he can be very intellectual or even ‘spiritual’. Thanks to this, he can have the inclination to avoid how he feels and have interests that are largely cerebral or otherworldly.

Another Part

Other people could often describe him as easy-going, understanding, deep and reflective, for instance. Additionally, they might see him as someone who lacks backbone, is submissive and more feminine than masculine.

The reason for this is that, as he won’t be rooted in his body, he won’t be connected to his inner strength, which will undermine his ability to stand his ground and assert himself. As a result of this, it can be normal for him to do things he doesn’t really want to do and be taken advantage of.

A Strong Reaction

However, if he were to come across a man who is rooted in his body and stands up for himself, he could soon feel uncomfortable. As opposed to seeing the man as being integrated and having embraced his power, he can see him as being domineering and controlling.

Yet, if he were to come across a man who hears about an abusive man, his assessment could go even further than this. He could see a man like this as being an example of ‘toxic masculinity’.

One outlook

And, as far as he is concerned, masculinity itself can be toxic. Therefore, masculinity won’t be something that can be used either positively or negatively; it will be seen as something that only causes harm.

Assuming that this is so, even though he will be a thinker, he won’t think about why a man would behave in such a destructive manner. He will merely see his behaviour as a consequence him possessing masculinity.

The Cure

In his eyes, then, the way for a man like this to ‘get better’ will be for him to deal with his ‘toxic masculinity’. He might see this as something that can take place by taking pills, being reconditioned or even by becoming a feminist.

Now, if he believes that becoming a feminist is the answer, it can show that he believes that women are the more evolved sex. Unlike men, they won’t possess ‘toxic masculinity’ and, thus, will be in a better position to make decisions and direct humanity.

A Strange Scenario

He could be surrounded by both men and women who have the same views as him. Thanks to this, there is going to be no reason for him to look deeper into why he is this way.

Nonetheless, there may come a point in time when some of the feelings and needs that are outside of his conscious awareness and are held in his body break through. This could take place after he has a breakup, experiences a loss or becomes unwell.

A Closer Look

Assuming that something like this was to happen, along with the feelings that relate to what has happened, he can experience a lot of shame, guilt, helplessness, and hopelessness and fear and terror. He can then wonder where all these feelings are coming from, and it can be hard for him to cope.

What this can show is that these are feelings that he had to lose touch with during his early years, in order to keep it together and function. This may have been a stage of his life when his father was abusive toward not only him, but his mother and perhaps his siblings, if he had any.

One Choice

To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his connected, embodied and feeling true self and developing a disconnected, disembodied and unfeeling false self.

Not only this, but as he was also the same sex as his father, he would have come to see himself as bad and worthless. By adapting in this way and losing touch with his masculinity,  and, thereby, losing his connection to his own life force, strength, and capacity to protect himself, it was also a way for him to get rid of the part of him that was bad and to try to redeem himself.
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Another part

At this stage of his life, he wouldn’t have been able to see that the reason his father behaved in this way was not because he was a man, but because he was likely to have been a deeply wounded human being who had also been abused as a child. The years would then have passed, and no matter how educated his mind became, how he adapted and the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made as a child would have defined how he experienced life.

The men who he was repelled by and saw as possessing ‘toxic masculinity’ would have reminded him of his father and the part of himself that he had lost touch with. But, as he was so defended and alienated from himself, he wouldn’t have been able to see why they had such a big impact on him.

Moving Forward

For him to reconnect to this body, embrace his own masculinity and be in his power, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk