Early Deprivation: Can A Man Sabotage His Relationships With Women If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that he only gets so far when it comes to his love life. So, he may have dated a number of women and been in a number of relationships, but each time he has been with a woman, it hasn’t lasted.

Along with this, he might see that he has continually been drawn to women who were unavailable. Some of these woman might have been getting over their ex, while others might have just been caught up with other things. 

Frustrating Existence

Assuming that this is the case, he can be sick and tired of what is taking place in this area of his life. But as he has only been able to get so far in this area of his life, this is to be expected.

What might enter his mind is that he is just unlucky, that women are not into him or that women are simply not available. If he has one of these views, he is unlikely to feel as though he can do a great deal about what is going on.

A Closer Look

If he thinks that he is unlucky, then he will need to wait until his luck changes, which is not going to give him the sense that he has much control. If he thinks that women are just not into him, there won’t be anything that he can do.

Lastly, if he thinks that women are not available, then, once again, there won’t be anything that he can do. After this, he might decide that it is best for him to turn his back on this area of his life and focus on other things.

A Short-term solution

If he does do this, it probably won’t be long before he has the need to focus on this area of his life again. The reason for this is that although he can suppress his need to be with a woman, he can’t completely remove it.

After a while, then, when he reconnects with this need, he might wonder if there is something that he is not seeing that is impacting this area of his life. At first, he might believe that he just lacks confidence or the belief in himself that he needs.

External Feedback

If he were to talk to a trusted friend about this, they might say that there is a chance that he fears getting close to a woman, and this is why his time with a woman doesn’t last, or he is unable to get this far. After this, he could dismiss what he hears, or he might question if there is something to this.

Once their time together has come to an end, he could think about what it would be like if he were with a woman, and this was to last. Initially, he could feel comfortable and happy, but before long, he could feel very uncomfortable and have the need to get away from her.

The next Stage

If this is what takes place, he could wonder why the thought of developing a deeper connection to a woman feels so uncomfortable. He can then conclude that this is why he hasn’t been able to make much progress in this area of his life.

This can be part of it, but there can also be another reason why it is this way. A big part of him can stop him from getting close to a woman because it is waiting for his mother.

Confusion

As strange as this can sound, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

He would then have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Being smothered, criticised, ignored, rejected, and abandoned would have been a normal part of his childhood.

A Brutal Time

As he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place, with this causing him to believe that he was worthless and unlovable, that his needs and feelings were bad, and to associate human closeness with annihilation. To handle not having a number of his needs met and the pain this caused him, he would have lost touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. What would have also helped him to keep it together and function was the hope that, if he became who his mother wanted and did what she wanted, she would love him.

It was futile

But, as his mother probably couldn’t provide him with the love that he needed, as she herself had been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her childhood, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but he will continue to feel uncomfortable with human closeness, due to the meaning that he formed around it.

Furthermore, a big part of him will still be waiting for his mother to love him. This part of him will cause him to unconsciously create a life where he pushes connection away and is emotionally deprived, in the hope that his mother will finally show up and then see and embrace him. 

Moving Forward

What this deeper, emotional part of him won’t realise is that, as this stage of his life is over, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. For him to gradually change this area of his life and no longer wait for something that will never arrive, he will have a number of steps to take.

There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk