Early Deprivation: Can A Man Sacrifice Himself In A Relationship If His Father Did?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that he is in a relationship where he typically ignores his own needs. Focusing on his partner’s needs and doing what he can to please her can then be normal.

Now, this can mean that his partner is very grateful for what he does and also does a lot for him, or this might not be the case. If this isn’t the case, she can just take what he does for granted and often criticise him for not doing more for her.

 A Chore

Assuming that this is so, he is going to be giving a lot while receiving very little. If he were to think about what he receives from her, he might see that they rarely cuddle, or kiss, let alone have sex.

And when this does take place, she could often create the impression that she is doing him a favour. Due to how she reacts, he might do his best to not reach out to her and ask her for anything.

Weighed Down

However, although he will be suffering, he might generally hide what is going on for him when he is around others. This can be a time when he acts as if everything is fine and he is happy in his relationship.

Furthermore, due to how he behaves, there might be some people who believe that he has a very good relationship. But no matter how he comes across, it won’t accurately show what is really going on for him.

External Feedback

Sooner or later, he might reach out to a trusted friend and talk about what he is going through. During this time, his friend could be shocked, or they could say that they sensed something wasn’t right.

After this, they could tell him that he probably needs to end the relationship and then take the time to build himself up again. If so, he might agree with what they say and thank them for their support.

The Next Step

Shortly after, he can think about how low and weak he feels and that being with her is not doing him any good. Yet, part of him can believe that he is behaving in the right way and needs to stay with her.

What can enter his mind is that, if he leaves her, he would be being disloyal and letting her down. Nonetheless, another part of him can see that as things stand, he is not being loyal to himself and is letting himself down.

In The Driver’s Seat

Assuming that this is what is going on, this area of his life is largely going to be controlled by a part of him that is not serving him. If, on the other hand, it was largely controlled by a part of him that was serving him, this area of his life is likely to be very different.

After a while, he, or his partner, might end the relationship, and if this does happen, he can think about what his other relationships have been like, that’s if he has had others. If he has, he can see that he behaved in the same way.

Confusion

At this point, he can wonder why there is a part of him that has the need to behave in this way. He can see that this part of him is causing him to overlook a number of his needs and to be deprived.

But, as strange as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, his behaviour might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when not only did his father abandon himself, but his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Two Parts

As a result of how his father behaved, he would have gradually developed an inner model of how a man behaves in a relationship with a woman. His father would have indirectly taught him that he has to ignore his own needs and to do what he can to please a woman.

This would have sent him the message that his needs were bad and he was unworthy of having them met. And what would have helped to enforce this message is if his mother were typically out of reach and unable to be here for him.

In The Same Position

He would then have had to lose touch with his needs and do what he could to please her. Therefore, while his father would have been more like her parent than her partner, he would have been more like her parent than her son.

To handle being deprived of the attunement, care, affection, and support that he needed, he would have had to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self.

Moving Forward

Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but due to how he adapted and what he came to believe, the pattern of self-abandonment will continue. The truth is that his needs and his feelings are not bad, and he is worthy of having them met.

For him to develop an accurate view of himself and his needs and feelings, to be loyal to himself, and reconnect to his body, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If he can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist of healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk