Early Deprivation: Can A Man See Himself As A Source Of Pain If He Experienced Early Deprivation?

What a man may see is that when he is around his friends and perhaps family, he has the inclination to focus on their needs and to do what he can to meet them. Nonetheless, he can see that he doesn’t consciously choose to be this way.

Furthermore, he can see that when he is with a woman, he has the tendency to behave in the same way. In the beginning, behaving in this way might not cause him too many problems, but as time passes, it is likely to.

A Tiring Existence

As a result of how he behaves in these areas of his life, he is likely to spend a fair amount of time feeling frustrated, angry, low and even exhausted. He might see that he has behaved in this way for as long as he can remember.

However, if he were to imagine that he is with a friend, a family member, or a woman and he freely expresses himself, he might soon feel uncomfortable. This can be a time when he feels guilty and anxious.

Inner Conflict

If this is the case, not abandoning himself and acting like an extension of others will be seen as something that is wrong and a threat to his survival. After becoming aware of this, he could wonder why he is this way.

What might enter his mind is that there must be something inherently wrong with him, or that he is messed up. Nonetheless, even if he does come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth.

A Closer Look

If he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might gradually realise why he is this way. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother and perhaps his father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Along with this, one or both of them might have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life. The outcome of this is that he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

One option

To handle not having a number of his needs consistently met and the pain that this caused him, his brain would have repressed these needs and the pain he was in. And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that he was worthless and unlovable, and that his needs and feelings were bad.

What is also likely to have had an impact on how he adapted and came to see himself is that his mother and perhaps his father responded when he expressed his needs. So, they might have often criticised him, said they were busy and spoken about how much they had to sacrifice to have him.

The Message

His presence would then have largely been seen as a source of pain, not pleasure. It was then as though they had found him in the middle of nowhere and reluctantly decided to take him home and look after him.

He was then fortunate to have somewhere to live, clothes to wear and food on the table. Losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self and developing a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and out-directed false self was essential.

Another part

This was how he was able to be accepted, maintain his connection to them and not be rejected and abandoned. What would have helped him to do this was that his outer mother and perhaps father would have been internalised.

By internalising them, with them becoming part of his superego, it would have made it easier for him to behave how they wanted and to survive. He would have also hoped that, if he became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, he would be loved.

It Was Futile

This wouldn’t have worked, as most likely, his mother and perhaps father couldn’t provide him with the love that he needed. The reason for this is that they had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years.

But this false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. It was then a key part of what allowed him to keep it together and function.

Moving Forward

Considering all this, for him to be able to reconnect to himself, feel comfortable with his needs and feelings, and freely express himself, so that he can live a life that is worth living, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk