Early Deprivation: Can A Struggle To Make Unresponsive Women Responsive If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?

Right now, a man could be dating a woman who rarely has time for him, and when she is around, she could typically be somewhere else mentally and emotionally. This might have been going on for a few weeks or months.

Either way, thanks to what is going on, he is likely to spend a lot of time feeling angry, frustrated and drained. But if he is giving a lot while receiving very little, this is not going to be much of a surprise.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, he could be seeing a woman who is already in a relationship with another man. In this case, he is rarely going to see her, but as she is with another man, this is to be expected.

He might see her once a week or every few weeks, or he might only see her once a month, for instance. Still, he can often feel angry and frustrated as he will seldom get the chance to spend time with her.

The Former

Now, assuming that he is in the first position, he can spend a lot of time thinking about what he can do to make her more available. However, he might see that what he has done so far hasn’t had much of an impact on her.

So, he might have taken her to different restaurants and bought her all kinds of things. But, no matter what he has done, she will have continued to be cold and not become any more interested.

External Feedback

If he were to talk to a trusted friend or family member about what is going on in this area of his life, he could be told that he is with a woman who doesn’t really want to be with him. He could be told that if this wasn’t the case, her behaviour would be different.

After hearing this, he could agree with what they say, but he could go back to behaving in the same way. But, even if he does, he could soon arrive at the stage where he has well and truly had enough and cuts his ties with her.

Stepping Back

If this does take place, he can wonder why he stayed with a woman like this for so long. He can see that being with her caused him to be deprived and gradually wore him down, causing him to be a shadow of his former self.

This might not be the first time that he has been in this position, though, as he might have been with a number of other women who were just as unavailable and uninterested. If so, what can enter his mind is that this is just what women are like.

The Outcome

Assuming that he comes to this conclusion, he could end up feeling helpless and hopeless. Yet, as this will mean that he won’t be able to develop a deeper connection with a woman, this is a rational response.

However, there is a strong chance that he is not helpless or hopeless when it comes to this area of his life. Instead, his life is likely to be this way because part of him wants to experience life in this way.

Confusion

After hearing this, he could say that this is not true, as he doesn’t want to experience life in this way. Nonetheless, what he will need to keep in mind is that he doesn’t begin and end with his conscious mind, or conscious sense of himself.

Along with this part of him, he also has an unconscious mind. At this level, he can be looking for the love that he missed out on during his formative years.

Back in time

The reason for this is that this stage of his life might have been anything but nurturing. His mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, causing him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

To handle having a mother who didn’t typically attune to and meet his developmental needs, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have also involved him losing touch with his connected true self and developing a disconnected false self.

A Futile Struggle

Most likely, his mother didn’t typically attune to his needs as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. Yet, although she wasn’t able to love him, he would have struggled to make her into a mother who was warm and receptive.

This would have been a way for him to try to receive what he needed and a way for him to avoid facing reality and feeling helpless and hopeless, and thus, keep it together and function. But, regardless of who he became or what he did, he would have missed out on what he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Moving Forward

This stage of his life will now be over, of course, but a big part of him will still be looking for the love that he missed out on. This part of him will cause him to unconsciously recreate a reality where he is drawn to women who can’t love him, so that he can make them into women who can.

What this illustrates is that this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t accept that this stage of his life is over and that another woman is not his mother. For him to no longer look for what he missed out on, he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk