Early Deprivation: Can A Man Try To Save Women If His Mother Was Emotionally Unavailable?

What a man may see, if he were to step back and reflect on his life, is that he has the inclination to end up with women who can’t be there for him. He will then do a lot for them at the beginning, and as time passes, but he won’t receive a great deal back.

For example, he might see that he is drawn to women who are unable to handle life and act as if they need someone to take care of them. He then takes on a parental role and does what he can to change a woman’s life.

At the Start

So, if he were to think about when he was last dating a woman, he might think about how, during this time, he was trying to help her to get over a breakup or a loss, for instance. Or, perhaps she was struggling financially, and he was helping her to meet her basic needs.

If he were helping her get over a loss, he might have spent a lot of time listening to her and trying to cheer her up. He might have often called and messaged her, sent her gifts, and taken her out for meals, among other things.

One Direction

During this time, he might have had the sense that he was doing the right thing and felt good about himself. The woman he was with might have also often expressed her gratitude for what he was doing for her.

However, even if she were grateful for what he was doing and there were moments when she was there for him, he would have been directing a lot of his time and energy toward her. Thanks to this, he might have soon felt drained, and a number of areas of his life might have been overlooked.

Out of Balance

But as he was so focused on trying to help her, he might have typically ignored how he was feeling. The sense that he was doing the right thing and the positive feelings that this allowed him to experience may have helped him to ignore how he was really feeling.

Yet, as time passed, it might have gotten harder and harder for him to ignore how he felt and the signs that he wasn’t living in a way that was serving him. At this point, he might have started to see how angry, resentful, and invisible he felt.

The next Phase

When it came to an end, it might have been because he was unable to behave in this way any longer, or because she ended it. Either way, this may have been a time when he felt helpless and hopeless, and he might have even thought about ending his life.

Still, as unfulfilling as their time together had been and how relieved part of him was that it was over, part of him might have lived in the hope that, sooner or later, they would get back together again. Over time, though, he might have soon settled down and been able to move on from her.

What's going on?

Now, after thinking about his last experience with a woman and other experiences that he has had, he can wonder why he can’t just be with a woman who is available and doesn’t need to be rescued. This will then be a relationship between two adults, not an adult and a child.

He will then listen to her challenges, and she will listen to his; he will support her, and she will support him, and he won’t do things for her that she has to do for herself and vice versa, among other things. What might enter his mind is that he is just unlucky, or that this is just what women are like.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, what if the reason he has these experiences is that he is unconsciously trying to receive what he missed out on as a boy? This may have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

From a very young age, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have often been in a bad way emotionally and been more like a helpless child than an adult.

The Outcome

To handle not receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have gradually lost touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. What would have also allowed him to keep it together and function was the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, she would love him.

The Same Struggle

As futile as this was, as most likely, his mother had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and couldn’t give him what he needed, it would have helped him to handle this stage of his life. It would have done this by helping to keep his pain out of his conscious awareness and releasing tension.

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but a big part of him will still be looking for the love he didn’t receive. This part of him will cause him to unconsciously project the mother that he had into a woman and then to try to make her give him what his mother couldn’t.

A Strange Scenario

Like when he was a boy, then, he will abandon himself and be there for her, in hope of finally being embraced and loved. This part of him is blind and has no sense of time, which is why it can’t see that another woman is not his mother and that it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on.

So, just as when he was a boy, he will be deprived all over again and will suffer as a result. For him to put an end to looking for what he missed out on as a boy and to have a fulfilling relationship, there will be a number of steps for him to take.

Moving Forward

He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk