Early Deprivation: Can A Woman Be Attracted To Abusive Men If She Experienced Early Deprivation?

What a woman may find, if she were to reflect on her life is that she has been with a number of men who didn’t treat her very well. She might see that this area of her life has been this way for as long as she can remember.

Thanks to this, she could come to the conclusion that this is just what men are like. But, if most if not all of the men that she has been with haven’t treated her very well, this is not much of a surprise.

The First Stage

So, when she first met one of these men, they might have been calm, attentive, funny, generous and charming. He might have also spent a fair amount of time talking to her over the phone and been happy to spend a lot of time with her.

She is then likely to have felt seen and heard, valued and as though she was with the right man. Every now and then, she might have thought about the future and what it would be like for them.

The Next Stage

However, as the days, weeks and months passed, his behaviour might have gradually changed. He might have become distant, critical, emotionally unstable, and not been as available.

Consequently, she might have felt confused, frustrated and rejected and wondered what had happened to him. He would have represented one season at one point in time and another season at another.
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A Strong Attachment

But, instead of feeling the need to cut her ties with him, she might have struggled to change his behaviour. In fact, the worse that he treated her, the more effort she might have put into trying to change him back to how he was before.

This is likely to have been a time when she often felt needy, desperate, helpless, hopeless, scared, anxious, fearful and even terrified. There may have been moments when he did go back to how he was at the beginning, only to return to how he was before long.

Up and Down

Therefore, to say that this was a time when there were plenty of highs and lows is likely to be an understatement. If there was a part of her that knew that what was going on wasn’t healthy, this part wouldn’t have had much of an impact on her behaviour.

After a while, she might no longer have had the energy to behave in this way, which might then have caused her to cut her ties with him. Then again, he might have been the one that did this.

What’s going on?

After having had this experience or one that is similar to it, on more than one occasion, she might end up wondering why this area of her life is this way. If she does, she won’t be able to accept that this is just what men are like.

What this can illustrate is that she is unconsciously trying to resolve what took place during her formative years. This may have been a stage of her life that was anything but nurturing.

Back In Time

What she needed at this stage was a mother and father who were emotionally available and able to consistently meet her needs. Instead, she may have had a mother and father who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

As a result, it would have been normal for her to not be seen and heard, to be rejected, criticised and even abandoned. Ultimately, she wouldn’t have known where she stood as her parents were not reliable or consistent with their care.

A Tough Time

To handle what took place, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. But, although she would have lost touch with a number of her needs, she would have still struggled for their love.

This would have also served as a defence against the pain that she was in. As if she had faced reality and accepted that they were out of reach and hadn’t lived in the hope - the false hope - that if she struggled they would love her, it would have been too much for her to deal with. Losing touch with her inner and outer reality was then a key part of what allowed her to survive.

A Continuation

Of course, this stage of her life is over but a big part of her won’t realise this. This part of her, a part that has no sense of time and is blind, is still trying to receive her mother’s and father’s love.

By unconsciously causing her to end up in situations with men where she is deprived again and experiences the same feelings that she felt when she was a child, this part of her will believe that she will finally receive what she missed out on. It is trying to resolve something externally that can no longer be resolved externally.

Moving Forward

For her to no longer look for what she missed out on, she will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper