Early Deprivation: Can A Woman Be Emotionally Unavailable If She Experienced Early Deprivation?

For a little while now, a woman might have wanted to be with a man who is not just physically but also emotionally available. In fact, she might have wanted this for most, if not all, of her adult life.

What can then be normal is for her to have been with men who were physically in reach but emotionally out of reach. Thanks to this, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to experience a deep emotional connection with them and feel seen, heard and supported.

The outcome

When she thinks about what it was like with one of these men, it can be as though they were physically and, at times, mentally there, but that was it. It then wouldn’t have been possible for her to feel his presence.

Consequently, when she spoke to him, she typically wouldn’t have felt as if he was really there. And, what is also likely to have proven how out of reach he was emotionally is that no matter how much time passed, their relationship didn’t progress.

Caught Up

It might have seemed as though his emotional self was somewhere else, which was why only part of him showed up and why he couldn’t move forward. Said another way, it might have been as though his physical and mental self were in a relationship with her, but his emotional self was in a relationship with another woman.

As a result, her physical and perhaps her mental needs would have been met, but she would have been emotionally starved. Over time, her interest in seeing him, let alone having sex with him, is likely to have disappeared.

Another outcome

Then again, she might have struggled right until the end to try to change him. If so, she might have continued to make time to see him and have sex with him, while also feeling angry, frustrated and resentful.

Part of her might have believed that, if she made time for him and kept giving, he would change. However, after realising that this approach wasn’t working, she would have ended up cutting her ties with him.

Stepping Back

After thinking about the experiences that she has had with so many men, she could question why her life is this way. What might then enter her mind is that this is just what men are like, or that she is just unlucky.

If she were to speak to her trusted friends about this area of her life, they could say what is going on doesn’t have anything to do with her. They could also say that this is just what men are like or that she is just unlucky.

The next Stage

Along with this, they could talk about all the things that she has done in order to find a man who is available. So, they could say that not only is she clear about what she wants, but she takes care of her appearance, puts herself out there, has worked on her self-image and is emotionally open.

After hearing this, she could agree with what they say, with her being able to see that she has been doing a lot of the right things. Thus, what is going on in this area of her life won’t have anything to do with her

A Closer Look

At this point, it won’t be a surprise if she feels helpless and hopeless and questions if this area of her life will ever change. Yet, although it might seem as though she is ready but she just happens to meet men who are not ready to have an intimate relationship, what if there is more to it?

What if only a small part of her emotional self is actually available, and the men she has been with are a reflection of this? After hearing this, she could react strongly and say that this is not true, or something similar.

Going Deeper

Nonetheless, as emotionally available as she believes she is, if she were able to go back in time, to when she was a child, she might see that she used to have access to far more of her emotional self. Compared with how she was, she might see that she now has a very weak connection to her emotional self.

The reason why she won’t have realised this is that experiencing life in this way will just be what is normal. She is then not going to be completely emotionally shut down, so there would have been no reason for her to see herself as being emotionally unavailable.

Back In Time

When it comes to why she ended up losing access to all of her emotional self, it can be because her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Furthermore, one or both of them might have been verbally and even physically abusive.

The outcome of this is that she would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. It would then have been normal for her to be ignored, rejected, smothered and even abandoned.

One Option

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, her brain would have repressed the pain that she experienced and a number of her needs. This would have caused her to lose touch with her connected and embodied true self and develop a disconnected and disembodied false self.

She then wouldn’t have been firmly rooted in her body and had access to all of her emotional self, only to be uprooted from her body and lose this connection as time passed. Her heart would then have been energetically open, but to protect itself, it ended energetically closing and withdrawing to protect itself.

Another Part

In addition to her brain repressing the pain that she was in and a number of her needs, she would have lived in the hope that her mother and perhaps father would be there for her if she struggled for their love. This wouldn’t have been effective as her mother and perhaps father were probably unable to provide her with what she needed, but this hope would have served as a secondary defence that helped her to block out what was going on externally and internally and thereby, release tension and keep it together and function.

Lastly, her underdeveloped brain would have personalised what took place, with her believing that her needs and feelings were bad, and she was worthless and unlovable. Her system is also likely to have ended up associating human closeness as something that would cause her to be annihilated.

Moving Forward

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of her life, of course, and her mind will have largely moved on, but her body won’t have. She will carry most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs that her brain automatically repressed, the beliefs that she formed, and there will be how her nervous system adapted.

So, for her to gradually change this area of her life, she will have pain to face and process, unmet developmental needs to experience, and beliefs to question, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk