Early Deprivation: Can A Woman Believe That She Is Not Enough If She Had A Critical Father?5/8/2025
If a woman were to step back and reflect on her love life, she could think about how this area of her life is not very fulfilling. This is because she might have been with a number of men who were not really into her and were distant.
She could think about how she did a lot to try to make these relationships work, and yet, no matter what she did, they didn’t really change. So, she might have made most of the plans, paid for most things, and put a lot of effort into her appearance. Another Element Also, some, if not all, of these men might have cheated on her once or a number of times. If so, this might have been a time when she blamed herself for what happened and did what she could to try to make sure that it didn’t happen again. For example, she might have become even more attentive, brought him things and done what she could to meet his sexual needs more often. She would then have been giving a lot, only to give even more. Another Scenario Having said this, a woman might not need to look back on her life to see how much she has given and how little she has received when she has been in a relationship, as she could be in his position right now. If so, she can be with a man who typically comes across as though he is not really interested in her. She can rarely see him, and when she does spend time with him, it can be as though he typically wants to be somewhere else. Thus, this is going to be a relationship that doesn’t do a great deal for her. External Feedback If she were to talk to a trusted friend about this area of her life, they could be very understanding and supportive. They could say that who she is with doesn’t value her and that she needs to move on. This is something that she could accept, but it doesn’t mean that she will end the relationship she is in. Instead, she could continue to stay with him and hope that, sooner or later, he will warm up, so to speak. Stepping Back The weeks, months and even years could pass, but his behaviour could stay the same. If he doesn’t change, she can feel even worse than she did before and have very little energy. At some point, she can arrive at the stage where she is unable to continue living in this way and end the relationship. After this, she can decide to stay single and not even date to give her the chance to find out why this area of her life is this way. The Next Stage During this time, she can think about the relationships that she has been in over the years and how depriving they have been. After this, what can enter her mind is that she has the sense that she is not enough and is unlovable. As she sees herself in this way, it is not a surprise that she would not only be drawn to a man who can’t recognise her worth but would also stay with a man who is like this. However, although she has this view, it is not the truth. What’s going on? As to why she would see herself in this way, it can be due to what took place during her formative years and the impact it had on her. This may have been a stage of her life when her father was very critical and wasn't very loving. She would then have had to be a certain person and behave in a certain way to receive his attention and acceptance. And if she freely expressed herself and didn’t do what he wanted, and even if she did, he might have been very critical and humiliated her. Another Element This would have sent her the message that she wasn’t enough or lovable, and that she would only be enough and lovable if she lost herself and did what others wanted. As she was egocentric, she wouldn’t have been able to see that there wasn’t anything wrong with her and that her father simply couldn’t accept her as she was or provide her with the love that she needed. Most likely, her father had also been brought up by a mother and/or father who couldn’t accept him as he was and provide him with the love that he needed. As for her mother, she might not have been in her power and been emotionally withdrawn and thus, unable to provide her with the support, protection or love she needed. The outcome To handle not receiving the support, protection or love that she needed, she would have lost touch with her connected true self and developed a disconnected and out-directed false self. Her true self would have been seen as worthless and unlovable, while her false self would have been seen as being worthy of attention and acceptance. But, although her father and perhaps her mother were unable to provide her with what she needed to grow and develop in the right way, she would have lived in the hope that if she struggled, she would be loved. As futile as this was, it would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for her to keep it together and function. Trying To Resolve The past Needless to say, this stage of her life will be over, but a big part of her won’t have moved on and will still be trying to receive the love that she missed out on. So, to her unconscious mind, the men that she is drawn to will represent her father, giving her the need to try to make them see her value and lovability. What this illustrates is that this part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t see that another man is not her father and that it is too late for her to receive his love. Another part of what can keep what she wants at bay is that she can also fear closeness, as she wouldn’t have felt safe around her father. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for her to be able to be with a man who can see her value, is able to love her, and who she feels safe around, she will have conditioning to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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