Early Deprivation: Can A Woman Blame All Men To Avoid Her Own Pain?

If a woman has continually ended up with men who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and some of them have even been abusive, she can be well and truly fed up with this area of her life. She can feel frustrated, angry, helpless and hopeless.

But, as the type of man that she wants to be with is going to be radically different to the type of man that she ends up with, this is to be expected. When she thinks about the type of man she wants to be with, what can enter her mind is a man who is both emotionally available and treats her well, among other things.

One Direction

After seeing that she has continually ended up with men who are more or less the same, she can wonder why this is. However, this doesn’t mean that part of her won’t believe that this is just what men are like or that she is just unlucky.

No, what it means is that another part of her won’t be willing to accept this and will want to look deeper. The outcome of this is that she can talk to a trusted friend about this area of her life or look for answers.

One Scenario

If she goes down this route, her friend can suggest that she explore what it was like for her as a child. They can say that there is a strong chance that this area of her life is a replay of what it was like for her during this stage of her life.

After hearing this, she can experience resistance but have the need to take a closer look at this stage of her life. Before long, she can be watching videos or reading a book that will allow her to gain a deeper understanding of how this area of her life is likely to have been influenced by how she was treated as a child and the impact it had on her.

The Next Stage

Consequently, she might see that this was a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. She would then have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

And, as she was egocentric, she would have personalised what happened. It was then not that her mother and perhaps her father couldn’t provide her with what she needed; it was that she was worthless and unlovable, and her needs and feelings were bad.

Additional Assistance

After a while, she may decide that she needs more support and work with a therapist or healer, for instance. If she does, through their support, she can explore what she believes and face and process the pain and experience the unmet developmental needs that her brain repressed all those years ago.

By doing this, she will gradually become more embodied and integrated, and her need to unconsciously replay the past, so that she can receive the love that she missed out on, will diminish. This will allow her to know that she is not merely a passive observer of her reality and is a co-creator.

Another Direction

Alternatively, after seeing that she has continually ended up with men who are more or less the same, she can conclude that this is just what men are like. There is not going to be another part of her that has a different view.

What can play a part in why she has this view is that her friends can not only have the same experiences but also the same view. Therefore, when she spends time with them, her view will be validated and supported.

A Closed System

Furthermore, when she goes online, she can come across numerous other women who have the same view. Thanks to this, it will be as if what she and these other women believe is the absolute truth. 

In her eyes, women will be ready to have a healthy relationship, but men, on the other hand, won’t be and will thus be to blame for what is going on. Based on this, she and her fellow women won’t have any power and are merely observers when it comes to this area of their lives.

Another Angle

If someone said to her that this is not the case and she is playing a part in why she continually ends up with men who are like this, she could become very defensive. She could dismiss what is said and say that she is being blamed.

This area of her life is not going to work, but she won’t be willing to take a closer look at why this is. Yet, although it can seem as though she is consciously choosing to be defensive, it is likely that this is taking place automatically and unconsciously to protect her. 

Self-Protection

If so, her brain will cause her to behave in this way in order to ensure that she is able to keep it together and function. If she were to step back and observe the part of her that is reacting to what she hears and to gradually connect to how she feels, she would end up feeling overwhelmed by pain; pain that she has carried since she was a child.  

What this illustrates is that part of her brain doesn’t care if what she has been told is true or even if she is with a man who is right for her; its priority is to ensure that she doesn’t fall apart. Due to this, if she doesn’t hit rock bottom and can no longer function, she can unknowingly spend the rest of her life being controlled by her need to avoid coming into contact with how she feels.

Conclusion

It then won’t matter if she sees herself as being aware or educated, as part of her will be causing her to reject information that would help her. What this part doesn’t realise is that as she is now an adult, she can face how she feels, and if she can’t, she can reach out for support, and won’t die.

If she does have an experience that undermines her defensive structure and causes pain from her unconscious mind/body to enter her conscious awareness, this can be a blessing in disguise. In the short term, she won’t be in a good way, but in the long term, it can be what liberates her.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk