Early Deprivation: Can A Woman Look For A Father Figure If She Experienced Early Deprivation?

If a woman were to describe the type of man that she wants to be with, she could say that she wants a man who is emotionally strong and can lead, protect and take care of her. Over the years, she might have been with a number of men who were like this.

In fact, the last man that she was with might have been like this, at least in the beginning. However, as time passed, his behaviour might have gradually changed, with him becoming very different.

One Experience

If this is what happened, she could look back on what happened and feel angry, frustrated and let down. So, for a number of weeks, months or longer, he might have ticked most of her boxes.

Thanks to this, this might have been a time when she felt safe, secure, supported, wanted and loved. But, as time passed and his behaviour changed, she would have started to lose her attraction to him.

A Very Different Experience

This may have been a time when she felt angry, frustrated, disgusted and even experienced a deep sense of contempt. Her interest in seeing him, let alone spending time with him, would then have decreased.

After a while, she might have said that they were not a good match or something similar and cut her ties with him. She may then have started seeing another man almost straight after this, or she might have decided to stay single.

The Other Side

When it comes to how he started to behave as time passed, he might have had moments when he was emotional and didn’t come across as though he had it all together. For example, he might have been going through a challenging time at work or with a family member.

It could go even further than this, though, as he might have been facing, processing and integrating unresolved childhood wounds. Either way, as a result of what he was dealing with, he wouldn’t have been able to tick many of her boxes.

External Feedback

Assuming that this is what it was like with her last relationship, she might speak to at least one trusted friend about what happened. During this time, she can be told that she did the right thing by leaving him, as she deserves a real man, not a boy, or something similar.

Alternatively, this trusted friend could say that what she needs to keep in mind is that, while she wants a man who is strong and can lead, he is still a human being. In other words, he has his own feelings, needs, insecurities, hopes and fears, and has his own challenges to deal with.

A Key Point

Therefore, as he is an imperfect human being as opposed to a god, he is not always going to come across in a certain way or be able to meet her needs. They could say that this is no different to how a man might want a woman who is always supportive, attentive, affectionate, and ready to have sex.

Yet, what a man will also need to keep is that, like a man, she is an imperfect human being, not a god, and won’t always come across in a certain way or be able to meet his needs. Still, they could say that this doesn’t mean that she has to be with someone who is abusive or that she has to settle and be with someone who she is not attracted to.

The Next Stage

If this is what her friend says, she could believe that they don’t know what they are talking about and soon forget about what was said. Then again, she could take the time to reflect on what was said.

Consequently, she could wonder why she wants to be with a man who is more like an all-powerful and all-knowing god than an imperfect human being.  What might enter her mind is that she has unrealistic expectations.

A Closer Look

She could see that it wouldn’t be right if a man always expected her to behave in a certain way and couldn’t see that she doesn’t exist to be who a man wants her to be and meet his needs. She might see that this doesn’t mean that she should put up with bad behaviour or be rude to the man that she is with.

Now, when it comes to why she has these unrealistic expectations, it can be due to what took place during her formative years and the impact it had on her. This may have been a time when her mother and/or her father were largely emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Back In Time

This would have meant that she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Instead of receiving the attunement, care, support and guidance that she needed, she would have often been ignored, rejected and even left.

To handle having a mother and/or a father who couldn’t provide her with what she needed to grow and develop in the right way, she would have gradually lost touch with her connected true self and created a disconnected false self. This would have meant that the needs that were not met and the pain that this caused her to experience would have been repressed by her brain.

The Outcome

Many, many years will have passed since that stage of her life, of course, but, deep down, she will be looking for the love that she missed out on as a child. Due to this, when she is drawn to a man, it will partly be because she will unconsciously project the mother and/or father that she needed into him and expect to finally meet her unmet developmental needs.

What this will show is that this other part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is what it can’t see that this stage of her life is over, and another man is not her mother and/or father. This part will then be full of hope at the beginning, but once it becomes clear that her needs won’t be met, it will feel hopeless and helpless - a replay of how she felt as a child - and her attraction to him will start to evaporate.

It’s Futile

With this in mind, as she is trying to meet needs that could only be met when she was a child, it is no surprise that she continually feels let down in this area of her life. She will be looking for something that no man can provide.

And, even if a man creates the impression that he can give her what she needs and can maintain this way of behaving for a certain period of time, he is likely to be in shut down state and unconsciously trying to earn his mother’s love. He can then come across as though he is Superman and be very successful, but he will be disconnected from a big part of himself.

Moving Forward

For her to be able to experience real intimacy and not merely see another man as an object who can meet her needs, she will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk