Early Deprivation: Can A Woman Run Head First Into Relationships If She Has A Fear Of Abandonment?

Right now, a woman may be in a relationship that is not right for her, and she could wonder how she ended up in this position. This is because, if she were to look back at what he was like when they first met, she may find that he was very different.

Then again, she might see that there were signs that he wasn’t a good fit for her. If this is the case, she might wonder why she didn’t pay attention to these signs as opposed to ignoring them.

A Different Emotional State

She might see that although she feels frustrated and angry now, before she started dating him, she felt unsettled. Assuming that this is what she was like, it would have been harder for her to take her time to find out about him and see if he was right for her.

Instead, her main priority would have been to get close to and attach to him in order to settle her nervous system down. As things progressed with him, this would have happened, but as time passed, she would have become aware of how incompatible they are.

External Feedback

If she were to talk to a trusted friend or family member about what she is going through, they could be very supportive. They could say that there is no need for her to blame herself and that if he is not right for her, it is best for her to break up with him

After this, she might feel grateful for their support and agree with what they have said, but feel reluctant to end the relationship. When she thinks about doing this, she can experience anxiety and fear.

Inner Conflict

On one side, she will have the need to end the relationship, but on the other, this will be seen as something that is a threat to her very existence. Once again, if she were to talk to a trusted friend or family member about this, they could say that her feelings don’t reflect reality and that her life won’t end if she breaks up with him

If she were to end it, she could be in a very bad way emotionally but, sooner or later, she might gradually settle down. This could be what happens after she starts dating another man or starts to go out more than she did before, and spends more time around others.

Stepping Back

If she does settle down, she can take a closer look at this area of her life, with this being a time when she sees that this is a pattern. If so, she will have had other relationships where she rushed and didn’t take her time.

Furthermore, in each of these situations, she might see that even though a number of these men were not right for her, it was difficult for her to leave them. At this point, she can wonder why she finds it hard to feel settled when she is single and then feels as though her life will end when it comes to leaving a man who is not right for her.

Going Deeper

She can see that, unless this changes, she will continue to rush into a relationship and will struggle to leave a man who is not right for her. If she were to step back and reflect on how she feels when she is single, she can find that she feels lonely and as though she has been left.

When she thinks about how she feels when she is in a relationship and wants to end it, it can be as though this will cause her to fall into a hole and be annihilated. In both cases, it will be as if she is a child who has been left by her parents and is helpless and hopeless.

What’s going on?

After seeing this, she can conclude that what is going on for her is irrational and that there is no reason for her to feel this way. However, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, it might gradually make sense.

From a very young age, she might have often been rejected and abandoned by her parent or parents. When this took place, she would have felt as though she was falling and was going to be annihilated, before her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

Over time, she would have lost touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self and formed a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. As she was powerless and totally dependent, if she hadn’t adapted in this way, she probably wouldn’t be alive.

The past is present

Additionally, as she was egocentric, she would have also come to believe that she was worthless and unlovable and that her needs and feelings were bad. In reality, one or both of her parents had probably been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years and were unable to provide her with what she needed.

Many years will have passed, but she will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the unmet developmental needs that were not met. Together, these two elements will play a big part in making it hard for her to regulate herself and will, thus, cause her to end up with men who are not right for her.

Moving Forward

At a deeper, emotional level, part of her will see another man as her parent and will see him as being able to provide her with the mirroring, attunement, care, affection and support that she missed out but, as this stage her life is over, not to mention that he won’t be her parent, it will be too late for her to receive what she missed out on.

For her to gradually settle down, reconnect with herself and no longer look for what she missed out on, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk