Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause A Man To Be Attracted To Sadistic Women?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that he has been with a number of women who were cruel and cold. As a result, when he was with a woman like this, he would have been treated like he was nothing.

Being put down, humiliated, rejected, ignored, starved of affection and even physically harmed would have been normal. When he first started spending time with her, he might see that the signs were there that something wasn’t right.

The Evidence

So, she might have often made fun of him and done this when he was around friends and family. However, he might have just downplayed her behaviour, seeing it as something that was fairly harmless.

But, as time passed, this ‘harmless’ behaviour would have gotten even worse. Instead of saying something about it, though, he might not have said anything and just tolerated what was taking place.

Beaten Down

As the weeks, months and perhaps years passed, he might see that he became more and more lifeless. He might have struggled when he was at work, and not done much once he had finished.

Along with this, he might see that he kept what was going on to himself and not reached out for support. If so, he can see that a big part of him believed that he deserved to be treated in this way, while another part of him felt too ashamed to reach out.  

Another part

What might also enter his mind is that when he was having sex with her, there were moments when she would humiliate and physically punish him. Nonetheless, even though this would have caused him to experience pain, he might find that it also caused him to experience pleasure.

He might even see that unless he was treated in this way by her, he found it hard to be aroused. After thinking about this, as well as other things that took place, he can wonder what is going on.

A Closer Look

What might enter his mind is that there is something inherently wrong with him and that he is ‘messed up’. He might also conclude that it is best if he stays single and doesn’t allow himself to get close to a woman.

But, although this might enter his mind, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. There is a strong chance that what took place during his formative years and the impact it had on him is largely why he is this way.

Back In Time

This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, he might have often been put down, humiliated, rejected, ignored, starved of affection, abandoned, and even physically harmed by her.

If this were the case, as opposed to him being her son and worthy of her love, it would have been as though she had found him on the side of the road and wasn’t worthy of her love. Naturally, being treated in this way would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

An Adaption

As for his father, he might not have been around, or he might have been a beaten-down man who was not in his power. Consequently, he wouldn’t have been in a position to stand up for, protect, and stop his son from being devoured by his mother, as he himself had also been devoured.

To handle what happened, and to keep it together and function, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

One Option

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Furthermore, his mother would have been internalised and become part of his inner voice.

This would have taken place to try and ensure that he behaved in a way that prevented him from not only being mistreated, but would also hopefully allow him to be loved by her.  But, due to what his mother was like and as she probably couldn’t love him, he would have still been mistreated and deprived of the love that he needed.

A Release

Even so, being mistreated, as painful as it was, would have been a way for him to let go of some of the guilt that he experienced. And, as futile as this hope was, it would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension.

As he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. It was then not that his mother couldn’t love him; it was that his needs and feelings were bad, and he was worthless and unlovable, which would have caused him to feel guilty for being alive.

A Replay

Now that he is an adult, this stage of his life will be over, but thanks to the impact it had, it won’t matter. He will be in a traumatised and disconnected state, won’t feel comfortable with his needs or feelings, or have a sense of his own worth or liability.

Plus, regardless of whether his mother is in his life or not, she will live inside his head and continue to punish him. It will then make sense why he would be drawn to women who are like his mother, as, in addition to this feeling comfortable, it will also be a way for him to unconsciously release his guilt and to struggle for the love that he missed out on.

At this deeper level, he won’t have a sense of time and will be blind. This is why this part of him can’t accept that, as this stage of his life is another and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive the love that he missed out on.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for him to gradually change his life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

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Oliver JR Cooper
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