Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause A Woman To Feel Comfortable With Unavailable Men?

Over the years, a woman may have been with a number of men with who she wasn’t able to emotionally connect. As a result, to one degree or another, they might have been physically available, but that would have been about it.

There is even a chance that she is in a relationship with a man who is like. If so, how things are now might be very different to how they were at the beginning.

Back In Time

This is not to say that he was emotionally available at this stage, but they might have spent more time together. They might have also spent more time messaging each other, too.

Then again, he might have been more emotionally unavailable at the beginning, with it seeming as if she had found a man who was different. Either way, she can be very angry and frustrated that she has ended up in the same position.

A Natural outcome

But, as this is not the first time that this has happened, it is to be expected that she wouldn’t be happy. What may cross her mind is that this is just what men are like, or that she is just unlucky.

If the former crosses her mind, she won’t be able to do anything about this area of her life. She will then have two choices: either she stays single, or she has a relationship with a man who is emotionally out of reach.

The other option

If the latter crosses her mind, she will have to wait until her luck changes. In this case, she won’t be powerless, but at the same time, she is unlikely to feel as though she has much control.

However, what if this is not simply what men are like and she is not just unlucky? What if the reason she continually ends up in this position is that part of her feels comfortable with men who are not present?

A Strong Reaction

After hearing this, she could feel angry and believe that she is being blamed for what men are like. What can play a part in her reaction is not just that she wants a man who is different, but all of the effort that she has put into trying to change this area of her life.

So, over the years, she might have put a lot of effort into how she looks and worked on her self-image. Due to this, it is not a surprise that she won’t be able to accept that part of her might be playing a part in what is going on.

Going Deeper

At this point, what she will need to keep in mind is that there is the conscious part of her and then there is the part of her that is not conscious. Another way of looking at it would be to say that there is her mind and then there is her body.

Considering this, the reason that she continually ends up in this position can be due to what is going on for her at this deeper level. At this deeper level, her body can associate emotional closeness with something that would cause her to be smothered and annihilated.

Two parts

Being alone, on the other hand, can be something that her body associates with being abandoned and dying. Therefore, the only scenario that will feel safe is being with a man who is emotionally out of reach.

This will stop her from feeling as though she is going to be smothered and lose herself, and it will stop her from feeling abandoned and as though her life will end. But, while this is what will feel comfortable at this deeper level, on a more surface level, it will be what causes her to feel angry and frustrated, and to be deprived.

What’s going on?

Assuming that this is something that she can relate to, she might wonder why this is what is going on for her at a deeper level. What this is likely to show is that her early years were not very nurturing.

This may have been a stage of her life when her mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Consequently, it might have been normal for her to either be smothered and to lose herself, or to be abandoned and to be alone.

A Tough Time

This would have meant that she missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that she needed. To handle what happened, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

This would have involved her losing touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self.

An Adaption

Over time, her brain and body would have come to associate emotional closeness and being alone as a threat to her survival. Therefore, the only way for her to survive was to be around people who are physically present but emotionally absent.

Even so, during this stage of her life, she would have lived in the hope that, if she became who her parents wanted and behaved how they wanted, she would be loved. But, as her parents probably couldn’t provide her with what she needed, it wouldn’t have mattered how she adapted.

Moving Forward

What this false hope would have done, though, is served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension. Additionally, as she was egocentric, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, and that she was worthless and unlovable.

Taking all this into account, for her to gradually change this area of her life, she will have a number of steps to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

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Oliver JR Cooper
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