Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause A Woman To Stay In An Abusive Relationship?

For a number of months or years, a woman may have been in a relationship with a man that is greatly undermining her. So, what can be normal is for her to be put down, humiliated, ignored, rejected and even physically harmed.

Now, she might see him on a regular basis, or she might live with him. Assuming that she lives with him, she might get a break from him when she is at work and with friends, but other than that, she might not.

Two Extremes

If so, when she is at work, it is likely to be a welcome relief from being treated like dirt and feeling scared. However, she might do her best to hide what is going on for her, which can prevent other people, people who might be able to help her, from finding out.

Yet, some of these people might have noticed that something is not right and spoken to her about this. But if this has taken place, she might have assured them that she is fine and that they don’t have anything to worry about.

Back Down

Once she is with him again, her mood can soon shift, and she can leave her body, with her becoming hyper-vigilant. Thanks to how he behaves and treats her, it is not going to be possible for her to feel good around him or to relax.

But, no matter how she behaves or what she does for him, she may find that his behaviour doesn’t really change. It can be as though she is trying to pacify a monster that can’t be pacified.

It’s Time

If she hasn’t already, she can soon conclude that the sooner she ends the relationship and gets away from him, the better. She can see that the longer she stays with him, the worse her mental, emotional and even physical health will be.

But, without even thinking about how she will be as time passes, she can find that she typically feels anxious, fearful and terrified, and worthless, and has very little energy or motivation to do anything. Not only this, but she can see that she has the need to stay with him.

External Support

At this point, she might end up reaching out to a trusted friend and telling them about what she is going through. This friend can be very supportive and understanding, and make it clear that she doesn’t deserve to be treated in this way and has what it takes to get away from and stay away from him.

They might even say that she can stay with them until she is back on her feet or that they can help her to find somewhere else to live. She might end up taking the next step more or less straight away, or this might happen after a number of weeks or months have passed.

The Next Stage

Either way, once it has happened, she might not simply feel relieved and grateful that it’s over and be able to slowly settle down. Instead, she can find that she has the need to be back with him and fears that if she doesn’t go back with him, he will harm and even end her life.

If this is the case, she might believe that there is something inherently wrong with her and that she is messed up. However, as she had spent months or years in an abusive environment, it is to be expected that she would crave what she is no longer receiving.

A Deeper Look

This is because her system, like everyone else’s, is capable of adapting and feeling comfortable with just about any scenario; it doesn’t matter if it is healthy or unhealthy. So now she is no longer receiving what she used to, parts of her will be deprived and fighting to survive.

Nonetheless, there can be more to it, as her early years may have laid the foundations for her to feel comfortable with a man who is like this. During this stage of her life, her mother and father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach and abusive.

Back In Time

Thus, being rejected, abandoned, criticised, humiliated, and physically harmed would have been the norm. This would have meant that she wasn’t able to securely attach to them, and was often alone and treated badly.

As a result, she would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that she needed. To handle what happened and to keep it together and function, her brain would have automatically repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

An Adaption

This would have involved her losing touch with her embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

And, as she was egocentric, she would have believed that her needs and feelings were bad, and that she was worthless and unlovable. Additionally, she would have loved in the hope that, by becoming who they wanted and behaving how they wanted, she would be loved.

It was futile

As she was helpless and hopeless and her parents were probably unable to love her, it wouldn’t have mattered how she adapted. But this hope and the struggle that ensued would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension.

Furthermore, at this stage of her life, being around her parents and mistreated was preferable to being alone and not being mistreated. Even so, this would have caused her system to associate being abused with being connected and surviving and not being abused with not being connected and dying.

Moving forward

The relationship that she was last in, and perhaps the other relationships that she has also been in on a number of other occasions that were just as abusive, was then largely a consequence of what she was conditioned to feel comfortable with and crave as a child. With this in mind, she was, in a way, destined to end up with men who mistreat her.

For her to gradually change her life, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness
​
If you would like to find out about the personalised consultations that I offer, click on this link - https://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations.html

---

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
• Personalised Consultations

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk